Gained.

There are a lot of horrifying moments in recovery.  To count them all would be impossible.  Moments of shame and humiliation.  There are moments you wake up so hungry that you feel like a feral child and find yourself sitting in front of an open fridge eating ketchup out of a bottle.  There are moments you turn on the faucet in the bathroom so no one hears you getting the scales out of the closet.  There are moments you look down at your plate and realize that you actually ate that fear food...and now what??

The hardest moments for me happen in the morning, when I have to shower and get dressed.  Even though I know it's physically impossible, it often feels like I have SURELY gained 20 pounds overnight. Putting on pants that I haven't worn in a few weeks is like summitting a mountain. Looking at my arms is like facing a tank of poisonous snakes.  I think I could take my body filling out any day over my face, but then there are moments when I think the opposite.  Taking pictures is actually torture, and yet I feel this strange pressure to take them and LIKE THEM.  Why?!  Why do I do this to myself?!  I could very easily just not allow people to take my picture, and not take any of myself...I'm still trying to crack this mystery.

ANYWAY, I have definitely gained weight.  I don't know how much because I hid my scales after about a week in April when I was obsessively checking.  Like multiple times a day.  Numbers are my biggest OCD trigger, and so for whatever reason for a week I was weighing myself about 5 times a day.  Again, WHY?!

The thing about gaining weight in recovery is that our brains are SO used to it feeling like a failure that it is extremely hard to view it as a victory.  That is why I try to focus on other things I have gained that are definitely victories.

I have gained...

-Brain space: sometimes it amazes me how much better I am able to focus on things. True story...there are full performances of Spring Awakening that I can't remember because I was so preoccupied with disordered thoughts.  Good thing I knew the show well...

-Healthier hair: My prrrrrecious.

-Friends: I am more open to new friendships and just easier to be around.  I don't cancel plans, I make them.

-Freedom to be my true extroverted self: I am so over pretending I'm an introvert.  My disorder is an introvert. KT is an outspoken, loud, extroverted, choir kid, musical theatre fangirl who makes no apologies for loving the CRAP out of everything.

-Strength and flexibility: It's so weird, when you starve yourself your body doesn't work.

-Vocal range and power: I love belting.

I have gained so much in recovery.  Every day is a new challenge and a new battle, but I will continue to be a warrior and fight the negative voices in my head telling me that gaining happiness is somehow a failure.  That somehow I don't deserve it.  Because we ALL deserve to be happy, and we shouldn't settle for anything less.