So I have a secret super power that I'm going to share with you today.
I was reminded of it just now when my cup of tea became room temperature and I popped it into the microwave for 20 seconds. The world continued to spin on. I had no existential crisis over how long to put my drink in and zap it. I didn't have a panic attack because I'm home alone and no one was there to ask. You see, somewhere along the way, I was given the super power of "knowing how long to microwave stuff for." I didn't ask for this power, it was just given to me. I developed it very early on in life, and from that moment forward, I have shouldered this burden. I've lived with a lot of people. My family, of course, a myriad of different roommates, my best friend Robyn, stage managers, a very tall Norwegian-loving boy...the list goes on and on...and you would really be surprised to learn that most people just don't know how long to microwave stuff for! "How long should I put this in for?" (that's what she said) is a question I have gotten asked in every place I have lived for as long as I can remember.
Can someone tell me where this sign that says "SHE KNOWS THE ANCIENT SECRETS OF MICROWAVE COOKING!!" is on my person? I would love to know.
Lately, while thinking about this conundrum, I have decided that the super power is genetic, because my mom has the same mutation. I realized this on Christmas day, when my brother (a grown man of 30 years old) was sliding some left overs into the microwave and yelled to my mother "MOM?! HOW LONG SHOULD I MICROWAVE THESE MEATBALLS!?" I immediately replied "However long you think they should go in?" to which I got back "...I was asking Mom..."
This observation has led me to two conclusions:
1. My mother also has the Microwave Super Power.
2. My mother has more experience with the Super Power, therefore she is the authority. She also has more patience than me, and will tell you how long you should microwave something for, whereas I will just give you a sarcastic response.
(After telling my mom about my observations, she chuckled and said "Yea, people always ask me that too. I guess they don't realize that it doesn't really matter. It doesn't bother me." Wow. The patience this woman has is a super power in and of itself. Moms, am I right?)
I want to make something very clear. I don't think anyone is stupid for having to ask how long to microwave something. I just think it's hilarious that some of the most intelligent people I have ever met in my life would take the time to put something in a microwave, turn to ME who has no real authority in the situation, and ask me how long to cook it.
Here's the real secret: I have no idea either.