Angela and I

Angela and I

Sunday, October 1, 2017

4 Years

It doesn't seem that long ago that I was counting my recovery timeline in months instead of years.   Every month that passed seemed like such a milestone; thirty days of challenges and victories and slip-ups and lessons.  And now it's been four years since I first decided to really buckle down and get better.  It was the day I moved to New York with the goal of turning over a new leaf and starting the rest of my life as someone who was not defined by anorexia.  It was the day I started calling treatment centers and scheduling appointments. It was terrifying and overwhelming and difficult. But...FOUR YEARS.  That's...nothing to scoff at.  That's 1,460 days of choosing recovery (okay, I didn't choose it every single day, but I'm human, right?).  So, I figured it's as good a time as any to do a little reflection.

THE BIG FOUR - The four biggest lessons I have learned in these four years

1. Recovery doesn't end
I'll say it again and again and again and again.  You choose recovery every. single. day. of. your. life.  Some days are harder than others.  Some days you barely even have to think about it because hopefully it becomes second nature.  But you keep having to choose it.  Hopefully, somewhere along the line, the choice becomes an easy one.  A no-brainer.  But it's still a choice.  There are some days where I legitimately miss my disorder, but the fact of the matter is it tried to kill me.  It took me a really long time to figure this lesson out.  Like...years.  You have to keep choosing it.  You never stop playing an active role in your own recovery. 

2. Do what you love and f*** the rest
Do the things you love, listen to the music that saved you, travel where your heart leads you, read the books that make you smile, watch the TV shows that make you laugh.  Go to a coffee shop and read in the sunshine and sip a latte and don't care if people might think you're basic.  Go rollerblading because the breeze in your hair makes you feel good.  Travel across the country for a band.  See the same musical an obscene amount of times because nothing will ever make your heart feel that full.  Just find the things that make you feel alive.  Because you need to stay alive.  Trust me.

3. Everything takes longer than you think it will 
Literally everything.  Everything.  Be patient.

4. "Take your broken heart, make it into art" 
I never want to know the person I would be if I didn't go through all of this.  Without recovery I wouldn't have Full.  I wouldn't have my insatiable desire to write.  I wouldn't have the hundreds of songs I have written since October 1st, 2013.  I wouldn't have this blog.  I wouldn't have my story, and I wouldn't be the hero of it.

And hasn't that been the point all along?

Peace, Love, and colors all around,

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