Red Strings.

When I was quite a bit younger, I remember hearing the story of the "red string of fate."  It's a Chinese myth which explains how we come to know the important people in our lives.  According to this legend, the gods tie red strings around the ankles of all of those we are destined to meet, and our lives are just the red strings getting shorter and shorter.  I don't remember exactly when I first heard this story, but it has stuck with me ever since.  I love the image of it, and it's something I think about a lot.

As you know, I am a professional actress and I am incredibly lucky to have been quite successful in the years since graduating from college.  I love being able to do what I love and am passionate about for a living (and true, I still need a survival job for in between gigs, but  I love my job and the people I work with so I am not complaining).  But if we're being honest, the hardest part of this career is not the periods of unemployment or staring into the abyss of "ok the show is over NOW WHAT DO I EVEN DO?" It's the falling so deeply in love with so many people and then having to say goodbye over and over again.  This has been on my mind lately because Into the Woods has come to an end and the fact that the holidays are coming up. This year will be the 4th Thanksgiving I have been in a completely different place (Lexington, Lanesboro, New York City, and now St. Pete).  I also have 4 of the best friends in the world who all live in different cities (Chicago, Decorah, Lexington, Tampa). That's tough, ya know?  But the idea of having strong red strings attatched to all of the incredible people I have met in my life makes it so much easier.

I could totally let myself get down in the dumps about the fact that I feel like everyone is always leaving me/I'm always leaving everyone else.  It's probably the number one trigger for my depression.  But instead of focusing on that, I imagine the red strings that are now spread not only all across the country, but all across the world!  I wouldn't trade my career for anything.  I have always felt like a bit of a gypsy (thank you, Mom and Dad, for forcing me to move to Austria when I was five...I've never looked back since), so moving around a lot in order to do theatre has never felt wrong. What feels wrong is how deeply connected I get to people only to say goodbye a month later, but because of this unnatural lifestyle, I could pretty much go anywhere and feel like I'm home because of a friendly face smiling back at me.  The world is so big and so small at the same time, and we are all connected by those incredible red strings of fate.  

I talk about how much my friends mean to me all the time but it's true.  I am obsessed with each and every one of you.  I love you with a fierceness that I will NOT apologize for.  You keep me going, no matter how far away from eachother we are.

Once Upon a Time...

Fairy tales have been on my mind pretty much 24/7 these days.  What with "Into the Woods" playing on a constant loop in my brain and blaring so loudly in my head that I literally wake up at night singing the songs, I simply can't get the characters and morals out of my head!  During this process we have learned a lot about the importance of these tales in regards to the integration of our personalities.  Also, as someone who has spent over a year looking in the mirror and trying to convince myself that I am the hero of my own story, it is fascinating that through this process I finally feel like that is coming to fruition.  I am the hero of this story. The work is paying off and I am coming out on top.  

Once upon a time there was a girl who didn't believe she could do it.  She had been given a special quest - to use her gifts of song and friendship to bring happiness and joy to the world. She felt the pressure of this quest upon her shoulders constantly, and was terrified that she would not be able to achieve her goals.  In a moment of fear, she was visited by the Evil Queen.  

The Queen saw the girl's vulnerability, and struck a deal with the girl.  She told her that if she gave up the gifts of song and friendship, then the Queen would accomplish her task for her.  But in return, the girl would be cursed with the voice of the evil queen amplified within her brain.  The Queen's voice would control her until the task was achieved.  Little did the girl know that the Queen had no intention of fulfilling the task at hand.  The Queen had grown weak, and she only wanted the girl's gifts so that she would survive.  

The Queen's voice continued to grow stronger within the girl's mind, until she became convinced it was her own thoughts of doubt and hatred.  She descended into solitude, alone in the woods, with only the Queen's voice for company.  The words were so hateful that she was convinced that the world would be better off without her in it.  She had grown mute, the Queen using her power of song to fuel her evil power.  Many people tried to save her.  A valiant Prince came to her door, knocking and calling to her, but that only made her hide with more conviction.  She boarded up her windows and covered herself with blankets to protect her from the chilling winds in her own soul. 

One day, with the Queen's voice louder than ever, and her own voice unable to rise from her throat, the girl was visited by the Blue Fairy.  The Fairy didn't knock on the door, didn't call to her, didn't force her way into the lonely hiding place.  She only sent her a message of warmth and understanding.  A quiet hint of hope.  A reminder that she had a quest to go on.  She had a hero to become.

The girl ignored the message, unable to respond to anything that was not the Queen's voice.  And yet the Blue Fairy persisted, her power of love stronger than the Evil Queen's.  Soon the girl was completely enveloped in blue light.  Tears sprung to her eyes, and as they rolled down her cheek, and onto her throat, they allowed her voice to whisper through the silence.

"I can do this."

It was barely audible but it was there.  Day in and day out she said it.  Time passed slowly, but the whisper grew louder and stronger.  The feelings of love welled up inside of her, until she was screaming her battle cry so loudly that the Queen herself could hear it from her castle.

The girl, with her new powerful voice welling up inside her throat, stepped out of the cabin she had been hiding in for so many years.  And when she looked around, she was amazed.  Her battle cry had been heard not by some, but by many.  She was surrounded by fairies, and animals, and elves.  By royalty, and giants, and even the town baker.  Her best friends were all around her, and she realized that the Queen would never truly take her power of friendship.  

With her army of love behind her, the girl led the march to the Castle.  When she was outside the gates, she took in a deep breath and yelled with a power unlike any she had ever experienced.  She yelled at the Queen to leave.  To flee, and never come back.  She was not needed here, and never would be.  The cry was echoed by every single one of her friends, and became a beautiful song.  A song that was so full of love and support that the Queen could not bear to listen, and fled the kingdom in a rage.  

After the dust settled, and the girl realized the Queen was gone, she looked around at the incredible group around her.  It was the whole Kingdom!  Brought together by song and friendship.  Brought together by love.  They were all heroes.  Herself included. 

I Know Things Now...

It is certainly no secret that rehearsals for "Into The Woods" are in full swing at freeFall!  If there is one thing actors are good at, it is letting the world know how #blessed we are and bragging about #bookingit via social media.  I am definitely a culprit, but like...why not?!  I want the world to know how excited I am to be playing a dream role at the theatre I am #soblessed to call home!

It's also no secret that this show, like any Sondheim musical, is a doozy musically and lyrically.  I definitely feel challenged...something that excites me and terrifies me simultaneously.  It excites me because I am a Virgo/achiever/leftbrained/go-getter who LOVES to get stuff done and cross off a sensible to do list.  It terrifies me because I have a perfectionist/anxious/never-good-enough mind, and I put a lot of pressure on myself. In the words of the show though, I know that "I am not alone." 

Being in this process brings to mind feelings from another show I was in a few years ago.  I joke about it now (to hide the tears lol) but it was one of the worst and most humiliating weeks of my entire life.  At the time, I got even more upset trying to find meaning behind what happened.  The only solace I found was Mark Hardy telling me that "sometimes stuff just sucks." Yep, this life lesson has officially taken 3 years to fully comprehend. 

You guys know this story so I won't spell it out for you.  Let's just say that I put so much pressure on myself to perform this role (Beth March in "Little Women") that everything else became secondary.  Aka - It took over my whole life and I completely stopped taking care of myself. I ate even less.  I spent hours in practice rooms doing more beating myself up than actually singing.  I cried at every vocal lesson.  I was having a lot of trouble with my voice anyway, due to my restriction.  There was a complete chunk of my range that was just gone.  From about a C (above middle C) to F which is like...kind of necessary for musical theatre, especially roles that I am right for.  I would try and only air would squeak out -- Beth March literally sits right in that range.  I was absolutely terrified and panicked and was trying every Jamey Strawn trick in the book.  But nothing was working.  And then, I lost my voice.  All of it.   

I was unable to sing or speak and for the majority of the performances, Harli (who was playing Amy) sang my songs into a microphone off stage.  Talk about embarrassing.  It was the closest I've ever gotten to just throwing in the towel and screaming (figuratively, of course because I couldn't produce any sound) "I QUIT ACTING FOREVERRRRR!!" 

Last night at rehearsal we worked on "I Know Things Now."  Not only is the universe bonking me on the head with that title, but it's giving me nice little reminders that even though I am feeling anxious and worried and nervous about this challenging music, the answer is absolutely not to stop taking care of myself.  That is actually the opposite of what I need to do!  I know it seems like "duh, KT of course" but you would be surprised how right it feels at the time.  We are all guilty of it! But I am here to tell you that taking care of yourself needs to be your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.  It's a lesson I learned the hard way.  

But you know what? I know things now.