On The Road: EPCOT

You know...any sane, well adjusted, responsible adult would come home from an exhausting week long trip to California, get some rest, and continue on with their life.  But, I’m apparently none of those things and I’m definitely not a casual fan.  So three days after landing back in Tampa, I once again woke up before the sun to drive somewhere...for Hanson.

Every year, Hanson plays at the EPCOT Food and Wine festival as part of their Eat to the Beat concert series.  They play for three days (three short concerts each day) and they give a beer seminar the morning of the last day.  I went last year and it’s hilarious looking back on that experience compared to the one I had this year.  I wish I could tell that KT about the absolutely insane three days that she was going to live in a year.  But I’m getting ahead of myself!  

I scooped Sarah up on my way out of town and we made our way to Orlando.  We wanted to get to the park at 9am to secure our spots at the American Gardens Theatre.  EPCOT is a unique experience from any other Hanson concert because you get to sit in the venue when you get there instead of lining up for hours on end BUT you also have to leave your hard earned front row spot as soon as the first short concert ends.  So anyway, Sarah and I quickly learned the the back part of the park doesn’t open until 11am (last year I didn’t get to the park til about 2pm so I had no idea about this little detail).  So...we waited.  At this point, I had lots of experience waiting. My entire life for a week was waiting!  Bring it on!  

When the back section of the park finally opened, a crowd had formed and  a hoard of full grown women were running towards the venue so, as a person who is very competitive but only about very niche things (I don’t care who wins at board games but if someone in my gym class gets heavier dumbbells than me, you better believe I’m switching mine out) I started running too.  I’m not proud, but I also play to win.  We secured our front row, Taylor side spots and hunkered down for the relatively short wait (11am-5:30pm??  That’s nothing!).  Also, we were at Disney World!!  So there was food to eat, drinks to have, bathrooms galore, and if we needed to stretch our legs we could go visit Germany (okay that was just me, I LOVE GERMANY).

By the end of the three day extravaganza, we had our system down to an exact science.  On that first day, we met up with two of our line friends from St. Pete (Robin and Meredith) and ended up spending the whole trip with them.  The second day, I was NOT kidding around, and Meredith and I sprinted to the venue in order to get the best seats in the house (shout out to Jamarcus for getting me in shape!).  We knew what we needed to do in order to get in line for each mini-concert, and find the best seats, and haul ass after each set was done.  But when we weren’t running around like crazy people, we were hanging out with other fans who were doing the same exact thing as us, and laughing so hard it hurt.  

The third day brought the morning of the Beer Seminar, and let me tell you, this might rank as the single most craziest thing I have ever done for this band.  Sarah and I woke up around 5:30am (at this point my body was really not having it so I was trying my best to rally that morning!  Surprisingly, I felt much better after my morning JOG lol) and went downstairs to get breakfast for our crew.  We ended up having a breakfast picnic on the concrete outside the entrance to EPCOT, which was great because we needed to fuel.  I felt like the stakes were so high, and...so did everyone.  It’s hard not to get swept up in it all.  Anyway, the seminar was held at the festival center and only the first 100 people to get in line were allowed in.  Even though someone tried to do the Hanson tradition of numbering the line before we got into the park, once the gates were open, it was every man for himself.  Trust me when I say that I wish this wasn’t what it was like in this fandom, seeing as we’re all in our mid-twenties to forties at this point, but hey, it keeps us young, right?  All four of us made it into line for the seminar after our nice, relaxing morning SPRINT.  The entire line was comprised of the people we had spent the whole three days with, but the insanity was worth it.  The seminar was awesome and we all got to have some individual time with the guys and get pictures with them.  Taylor remembered me from the California follow and was absolutely delighted to see me, which made me feel pretty cool, I’m not gonna lie.  He made sure I was going to be at the shows that night.  

Um...yeah, I was gonna be there.

The rest of the day was a delight, and I was once again reminded of why I love this band and the experiences they have brought me (or put me through, depending on how you want to look at it).  I was surrounded by people I met through this music, laughing so hard I was crying, spending the day at Disney World, coasting on the feeling of talking to the musicians that I admire the most.  So yeah, I had to run and get really hoarse and be exhausted and feel like it was a life or death situation when they opened the gates.  But...isn’t that what we’re all kind of wishing for?  A life that is exciting and risky and significant?  A life that brings you joy so big that you feel like you’re going to explode?  

All I know is when they started playing “Penny and Me” during the last concert of the night, I absolutely dissolved.  I know it was partly due to exhaustion, partly due to the overwhelming gratitude I felt, and partly due to the fact that now my autumn of Hanson was officially drawing to a close.  I cried so hard I almost choked, but that’s beside the point.  They always dedicate that song to the travellers in the audience, and I did my fair share of travelling this fall.  After Penny ended, they transitioned to “I Was Born” which made me weepy in a different way.  Taylor did an abridged version of his speech from tour, and I just stood there watching, tears in my eyes, soaking it all in.  

So, I guess I should probably wrap this up since I’m once again getting emotional.   This fall I did something I’d never done before, and I followed a band on tour.  It came with a lot of crazy and not so pretty experiences, but it also came with friends, memories, and definitely the best of times.  Hanson, I’ll love you til the end, forever and a day.  Thank you for everything.

Peace, Love, and MmmHops,

KT

I Know Things Now...

It is certainly no secret that rehearsals for "Into The Woods" are in full swing at freeFall!  If there is one thing actors are good at, it is letting the world know how #blessed we are and bragging about #bookingit via social media.  I am definitely a culprit, but like...why not?!  I want the world to know how excited I am to be playing a dream role at the theatre I am #soblessed to call home!

It's also no secret that this show, like any Sondheim musical, is a doozy musically and lyrically.  I definitely feel challenged...something that excites me and terrifies me simultaneously.  It excites me because I am a Virgo/achiever/leftbrained/go-getter who LOVES to get stuff done and cross off a sensible to do list.  It terrifies me because I have a perfectionist/anxious/never-good-enough mind, and I put a lot of pressure on myself. In the words of the show though, I know that "I am not alone." 

Being in this process brings to mind feelings from another show I was in a few years ago.  I joke about it now (to hide the tears lol) but it was one of the worst and most humiliating weeks of my entire life.  At the time, I got even more upset trying to find meaning behind what happened.  The only solace I found was Mark Hardy telling me that "sometimes stuff just sucks." Yep, this life lesson has officially taken 3 years to fully comprehend. 

You guys know this story so I won't spell it out for you.  Let's just say that I put so much pressure on myself to perform this role (Beth March in "Little Women") that everything else became secondary.  Aka - It took over my whole life and I completely stopped taking care of myself. I ate even less.  I spent hours in practice rooms doing more beating myself up than actually singing.  I cried at every vocal lesson.  I was having a lot of trouble with my voice anyway, due to my restriction.  There was a complete chunk of my range that was just gone.  From about a C (above middle C) to F which is like...kind of necessary for musical theatre, especially roles that I am right for.  I would try and only air would squeak out -- Beth March literally sits right in that range.  I was absolutely terrified and panicked and was trying every Jamey Strawn trick in the book.  But nothing was working.  And then, I lost my voice.  All of it.   

I was unable to sing or speak and for the majority of the performances, Harli (who was playing Amy) sang my songs into a microphone off stage.  Talk about embarrassing.  It was the closest I've ever gotten to just throwing in the towel and screaming (figuratively, of course because I couldn't produce any sound) "I QUIT ACTING FOREVERRRRR!!" 

Last night at rehearsal we worked on "I Know Things Now."  Not only is the universe bonking me on the head with that title, but it's giving me nice little reminders that even though I am feeling anxious and worried and nervous about this challenging music, the answer is absolutely not to stop taking care of myself.  That is actually the opposite of what I need to do!  I know it seems like "duh, KT of course" but you would be surprised how right it feels at the time.  We are all guilty of it! But I am here to tell you that taking care of yourself needs to be your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.  It's a lesson I learned the hard way.  

But you know what? I know things now.  

August Self Care Challenge

August has been treating me pretty well so far.  I moved into my new tiny home, I went to opening night of an amazing show, I was visited by dear friends, and every day I am actually (but like actually) happier and happier that I decided to make the permanent move to St. Pete. 

I have 2 really bad habits that I am constantly working on, and they go hand in hand.  I am very hard on myself, but at the same time I put on a front that I am constantly happy.  I have made humongous strides with both of these things.  In every place I have lived prior to St. Pete, anyone would assume I was the "happiest girl in the world" (direct quote), and there were times where I was incredibly happy!!  But there were also times where I was in my head verbally abusing myself, and then dealing with it by posting super positive statuses for the world to see.  I look back on that time with confusion and sadness, but I know I'm not the only one who does this.  Even my therapist chuckled heartily when I said one of my goals for treatment was "100% self love." To which she replied, "You're even a perfectionist in therapy...no one in the entire world loves themselves 100% of the time.  We do what we can, and when we can't, we figure out how to get through it. Stop being so hard on yourself." 

In order to take care of myself, I have to be able to be surrounded by people I love, being able to do what I love, in a community that I love.  Check, check, and check!  

The main reason I chose to come here and then stay here happens to be exactly what I wanted to post about: self care.  I obviously don't have a good track record for it, and once I realized how many of my behaviors were actually self harm, I honestly got quite overwhelmed.  I would never treat another person like that, so why am I treating myself like that?!  I loved being in New York, but I couldn't take care of myself.  The place I went for treatment was amazing, but I was constantly exhausted, had to work all the time in order to make rent and pay for therapy, was walking everywhere (not ideal when you're supposed to NOT EXERCISE), and just wanted to quit.  Quite frankly, I was getting worse.  I knew I couldn't sustain it, so I left.  It felt a whole lot like giving up at the time, but looking back, I was making the smart decision.  

I'm a very goal oriented person, so I decided that this month my personal goal would be self care.  I found this challenge on tumblr which gives you an incredibly easy task to do.  I've been doing well on it, and I'm excited that today's goal is something I do every day anyway (YOGA!!  I hate going a day without spending time on my mat).  I hope some of you all will join me in this challenge...whether you follow this particular list, or make your own.  In society, self love is often viewed as self indulgence, when really you're just taking care of the most important person in the world - YOU. 

Happy August! 

Fear

The other day in treatment, my therapist asked me "what are you afraid of?"

It was interesting, because I wasn't prepared for the question or my immediate response.  As soon as she finished speaking, a week of holding in emotions started pouring out of me, in the form of unstoppable tears.  I think crying is really important, and I have never been afraid to cry, but for whatever reason I had been holding it in for the past few days when really I needed to let it out.  Because frankly, I was terrified.  I am terrified.

Recovery is a scary time.  Being in your twenties is a scary time.  Moving to a new city is a scary time.  Being an actor in between shows is a scary time.  And that really is the word I would describe how I'm generally feeling lately.  Scared.

What am I afraid of?
Failing.
Running out of money. 
Making bad choices. 
Being an adult. 
Not finding a job that allows me to live comfortably. 
Having to go back to Lexington for whatever reason.
My body changing.
Not being able to fit into clothes (hey, just being honest here).
Not being able to stop eating on extreme hunger days (loss of control is terrifying).
Being a hypocrite. 
My face filling out. 
Not feeling comfortable in my own skin.
Unhealthy thoughts. 
Losing my friends. 
Losing my family. 
Losing my voice. 

So like any sensible person who is feeling scared and unsure about the future, I signed a lease on an apartment.  I've always been a person that has to force herself out of fear.  No one can do it for me.  Oh, you're scared that you're going to be stuck in Lexington at home forever?  I guess I'll go sublet an apartment in New York for a few months!  Oh, you're terrified of becoming an adult?  I guess I'll move to St. Pete and get an apartment!  I often question my tactics but whatever, I'm just being me.

Looking at the list above is interesting, because I know a year ago how I would deal with every single one of those fears.  I would lose my appetite and restrict.  I would go to the gym to "let off some steam."  I would take 2 hour walks to "clear my head."  I would allow every sense to get wrapped in cotton wool and descend into my beloved brain buzz. Not feeling is sometimes quite nice.  It really is a high, and for a while you feel wonderfully intoxicated. But hiding from the things that scare you only make them scarier later on.  And now, the healthy part of my brain looks at that list and says "Duh, KT.  There's one thing that will make all of those things easier to deal with...not having an eating disorder."

I'm proud of myself for getting an apartment, and you better believe it's going to be the cutest apartment in the beautiful city of San Pedro.  I mean, look at the door!  I decided on this for my inspiration image and color palette:

And here are some more images from my apartment pinterest board (yep, I'm that person).  I seriously live for this kind of stuff.

The future is scary...but it's pretty exciting, if you ask me.

God, I hope I get it!

Look at all the people....at all the people....

how many people does he need?!

I'll be the first to admit that auditioning is hard and unnatural.  We, as actors, prepare for weeks: drilling the same 16 bars over and over (only to get it cut down to 8 five minutes before we walk in), driving hours to a specific open call, spending exorbitant amounts of money on pictures of our heads which will probably get thrown away, and waiting around all day in order to sing for at most 90 seconds.  Why would anyone go through that?! And yet we keep doing it, like the crazy masochists we are.  

People who aren't in the industry often marvel at the idea of a cattle call audition, but to us, it's just part of the deal.  We can all agree that they are pretty awful, but I have found in my experience that it's really all about how you approach it.  A few days ago, I found myself at the open call for "Finding Nemo" at Disney World. There were SO many people there.  I'm not sure the exact number but I know there were over 300 people at least.  

I love auditioning.  I LOVE IT SO MUCH, and I'm NOT just saying that to trick myself into believing it.  I really do love it.  It gives me an adrenaline high and gets my blood pumping!  I love the chase...but strangely enough, I am not a competitive person, which is why I think I can deal with the oddity that is big auditions.  The hundreds of people all around me are not my competitors, they are just people!  We are all in this together, so why not make it at least a little fun for ourselves?  How about we don't play the comparison game because it's pointless. How about we do talk to eachother about things beyond the "fluff" category of conversation.  How about we stop being fake to one another?  If you need to be quiet and not talk to anyone around you, please just smile and shake your head when I ask you if you watch "How I Met Your Mother" because OMG that guy over there looks exactly like Marshall!!!  I won't be offended...I'm just excited to be here.  

I could get upset about the fact that I only have 60 seconds to belt my face off.  I could be annoyed that the producers asked to hear only 8 measure of music (what can you show in that?!  Gaaaah!!).  I could be anxious about the fact that I could be asked to leave based solely on what I look like.  But you know what?  For that minute, or half a minute, or 10 seconds that the director is looking my way, I am performing my one woman show.  I am singing and I love singing more than anything in the entire universe. 

And so what if someone behind the table doesn't look up, or they aren't interested, or they don't call me back?  I got to perform today!  And isn't that the whole point?  

It's easy to get down on ourselves when we keep pounding the pavement and hear nothing back from directors.  It's hard, it's exhausting, and it makes us want to quit...but a very special fish once told me to "just keep swimming." 

You've only begun...

Well, here we are.  "The Burnt Part Boys" is now a memory.

This is going to be a tough one to leave behind.  I knew that going in, but little did I know how much this show would truly mean to me by the end of it.  I could play this role surrounded by these people forever and be perfectly content!  I know that's a big statement...but I don't think you realize how much I love this show!

The performance yesterday was incredible, if I do say so myself.  We had an absolutely fantastic audience who were along for every twist and turn of the story, and by the end of it were shedding tears just like we were.  Oh and I broke my final compass!  Big day, big day.

It probably comes as no big surprise to anyone that I get very attached to experiences and people.  I am very, VERY bad at goodbyes, and I let them affect me more than I should.  It's one of the big reasons that I started isolating myself and keeping myself from truly connecting with people. I feel like I'm always leaving, and it messes me up too much emotionally to invest in that.  Throughout recovery, I have found that I need those deep connections to function, so now that I'm breaking out of that bad habit, I'm finding myself overwhelmed with the thought of saying goodbye to this show and these guys.  Luckily, this is only the first step in my Florida journey...at least I won't have to say goodbye to the place!  Many members of my Burnt Part family are here too, so that makes it easier.  I'm still pretty torn up about the whole thing, though.

It's amazing the difference a year makes.  Last year (although I would have never admitted it) when the clock was ticking down on "Spring Awakening," I was so excited for it to be over.  Emily ruled my life. She was making every waking moment a living hell and constantly telling me what a piece of shit I was.  This year I gave myself over to the experience.  There were glimpses of Emily, but with the help and support of everyone around me, I was able to silence her and keep her from ever intruding on this journey.

The scrappy little whistle blower pictured above made me feel stronger than I ever have before.  She made me understand how important it is to be fueled, to have a clear mind, and to fully connect with what is happening around me. She made me understand how much BETTER life is when all of your senses aren't wrapped in cotton wool, and when you don't have a track of negative self talk constantly running in your brain. I will carry Frances Boggs with me for the rest of my life.

I wouldn't change a thing about this experience.  This family shared something truly special.  Thank you all for letting me be one of the boys. <33

Princess Frances OUT.

Two Show Day.

Happy weekend everybody!!  I know what you're thinking..."But KT!! It's Monday!  Stop being cruel!"  True, it is Monday, but in the actor's world Monday is usually the start of our weekend.  On the flip side, our work week here at FreeFall is Thursday - Sunday.  While the rest of the world is wrapping things up at the office, putting the least amount of effort possible on Friday afternoon, checking their phones under their desks, and then going home to enjoy dinner with their families, we are gearing up to perform.  I've been asked if this reverse schedule is ever annoying ("I can't go out, I'll be in a show...") but honestly, I wouldn't change it.  I get to do exactly what I love most in the world for a living.  Plus, we get to relax, drink wine, and jam on Sunday evenings while the sun goes down.  Most of the world is setting alarms and dreading the next morning...

My very favorite day of the week is Saturday.  Why you ask?  It's a two show day!!  I get to play on stage with my favorite people not once but twice.  I've been asked a few times how we do it twice in one day...so come with me as I walk through a (favorite) day in the life!!  

My Saturdays generally start pretty late.  I try to sleep as late as I can so that I'm well rested for the day ahead.  Once I get up, I'll eat a late brunch like meal (I call it brunch as if I'm fancy or something...but really I just stuff my face with something slathered in peanut butter) and then head out to meet the boys at the office...aka Starbucks. 

Chris, Nick, and I will spend some quality time sipping iced coffee and doing whatever we need to do.  I generally catch up on blogging, journalling, working on my musical, reading, or checking out auditions in the area.  Before we know it it's time to head to the theatre for our first show of the day. 

One of my favorite things in life is getting to the theatre every day and having Daniel, our stage manager say "Welcome to work!"  It's such a simple thing but always puts me in such a great and happy mood! What's more, I love a matinee because I get to do my time honored tradition of the MATINEE MOLE!!  I learned this tradition from the Mark Hardy, and I will never do a matinee without one.

I also take a moment before each show to thank my body for everything it does for me.  This usually ends up being a moment of I LOVE MY HAIR LOOK AT THE BEAST GROWING STRONGER EVERY DAY. But seriously look at it.  God, I love recovery.

Then we do the show!!

This past Saturday was especially great because I was able to spend time in between shows with my MAMACITA aka my best friend aka the incomparable PAM! We went to Leafy Greens Cafe here in beautiful St. Pete...the perfect in between show fuel! 

Absolutely delicious!  We were raving about it for hours after we actually ate.  After fueling up, it's time to head back to FreeFall for show #2.  I take off my matinee mole and spend time reading in my dressing room, listening to Cameron and Joseph talk about me through the vent. #princessfrances. 

Time to climb that mountain again!!  

After two performances of this particular show, my body is definitely tired, but in the best way possible.  I once again thank it for everything it allows me to do and refuel it so that it continues to be healthy and strong.  As I've said before, this time one, two, or even three years ago, this show would have probably put me in the hospital.  The amount of singing it requires of me would have caused me to lose my voice, "Little Women" style.  Many notes in this score I was not even able to produce at the height of my disorder.  Being able to belt up to the rafters during the finale makes me happier than anything ever has. 

We spend 5 shows a week (we all wish it was more!!) telling this beautiful story.  We make connections with each other and the audience, giving it our all, and bearing our souls.  Saturdays are long but overwhelmingly gratifying, and after 5 emotional performances, we are able to kick back and watch the Florida sun set over the water. 

The life of a professional actress might seem strange to some, but it's my life, and I can say with all the honesty in my heart that I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Exactly.

There have been a few moments in my life where I have looked at myself, looked at the people around me, and looked at what I'm doing and have been exactly where I wanted to be.  Happy in every sense of the word, with no impulse or desire to change anything.

Opening night of "The Burnt Part Boys" was one of those moments.

I've done a lot of thinking and writing about happiness. I've also spent a lot of time pretending to be the happiest girl in the world when I was the most miserable I've ever been.  Since then I have learned that all  feelings are valid and should be expressed and felt, and lying about it will get you NOWHERE.  Real anger is good.  Real sadness is good. Real happiness is REALLY GOOD. In all of this reflection I have found that in order to be happy I need to be 100% me, connecting with the people around me with no isolation, and not allowing anything to compromise my ability to live in the moment.  Saturday night, the checklist was completely checked off.  I was doing what I love to do most in the world, at a theatre I am honored to call home, with the most amazing cast I've ever been a part of, connecting fully and intensely with the audience. I never once caught myself spiraling into negative or destructive thoughts.  I was truly focused and truly present. I was simultaneously 100% KT and 100% Frances and I was so overwhelmed with happiness I could barely even contain myself. 

And one thing is absolutely certain ... there was no sign, hint, or glimmer of Emily (ding, dong, the bitch is gone).  Honestly, I haven't heard from her in a while...and if that isn't a reason to celebrate with whiskey lemonade, bluegrass music, and photo-ops...I don't know what is.  

And then the game of "let's pose with KT but be shorter than her" started.  It was hilarious, I promise (thank you apple pie moonshine). 

This show means so much to me on so many levels.  I'm a huge believer that the universe knows what it's doing and it knew that in the past year some shit had to go down in order for me to be ready to do this.  I could seriously write a dissertation on Frances (*hides my extensive character journal...embarrassing*), and the thing that's so awesome about her is that she makes me feel STRONG.  I care about this show and our work so much that nothing else matters.  I am flabbergasted every day by how much brain space is freed up when the negative and guilty thoughts aren't there.  Jeez. I can fully commit myself to my craft and to the people around me who I love SO much.  THIS CAST AND CREW, MAN!! Ugh.  They blow me away every day. 

If you are able to, please come see "The Burnt Part Boys" at freeFall Theatre!! Tickets are going fast! You will not be disappointed.  The work these guys have done and continue to do will knock your socks off. 

(Production photos courtesy of Mike Wood!! He is a cool dude.) 

You Made This. I Am That.

This rehearsal process has been a whirlwind, but an incredible whirlwind.  Not only am I surrounded by insanely talented and inspiring people, but it has allowed me to take all of the hard and harrowing work I have done in recovery and put it into practice.  For more days than not in the past 8 months, I felt like this thing I was battling was putting me through the ringer, and that the reward wouldn't be worth it in the end.  I can now say that every tear, every scream, every step so far has been worth it.  I am not fully recovered...I am not going to try to kid myself there...but I am well on my way to becoming a success story.

One thing this show and this process has shown me is how truly amazing my body is.  After 4 years of beating myself up, this is somewhat of a new insight.  Every day I am astonished by how my (now much stronger) arms and legs can heave myself up into the jungle-gym like set Eric designed, how I can jump from a platform and not feel breakable, how I can sing the high notes that I lost at my lowest weight. I would have never been able to do this show last summer.  And 2 summers ago? Forget it, I would have gone to the hospital.  Because of this, I have gotten into the habit of thanking my body EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even when it's not 100% sincere.  I would like to share a poem inspired by this practice, which I hope will in turn inspire YOU to join me!

Thank you for forgiving me 

after years of tearing you down 

after years of ignoring your cries for help

tears of frustrating fueling my hatred 

feeling betrayed

while I was the one betraying you. 

I tried so hard to disappear 

to shrink to what I thought was an acceptable amount of space

to take up in the universe.

None at all.

When I was weak

I felt like a perfect china doll

a false smile painted on every brittle bone.

Little did I know

that china dolls break.

I never realized the unadulterated joy in feeling the vibrations created

by boots striking the earth

my own feet inside.

Never relishing in the moments of expansion...

How am I supposed to change the world

when the world has swallowed me whole?

I will swallow the world

and nurture it inside of me

just as my mother did with this inexplicable bundle of atoms

cobbled together with nothing but unconditional love.

I will wrap my strong arms around myself

just as my father held me tight

assuring me that I will never fall

I will only grow.

They made something precious

and strong

and imperfect

Something that can sing, and climb, and laugh, and feel

and expand.

They made something remarkable. 

I am that.  

I am. 

I encourage you to join me in my revolution of self love.  It is so much better than the alternative.  I can not say it enough.  Now let's open this show, shall we??