2014

...So that’s how I started my new year. 2014. With tunnel vision from lack of oxygen. With my brother stroking my back, telling me to just breathe, you’ll get through this. With me wishing I didn’t have to feel anymore. With my mother in tears telling me she can’t keep watching me kill myself.  

In 2014 I...

Relapsed.
Cried.
Had lots of panic attacks.
Played Bingo.
Had numerous days when I couldn't get out of bed.
Spent countless hours on my living room couch.
Missed Emily.
Hated Emily.
Hated myself.
Yelled at Emily.
Played a lot of ukulele.
Watched a lot of Netflix..
Thought I would never get passed the bad part of recovery.
Rediscovered how fucking awesome my curls are.
Was in a parade.
Entered a pageant.
Got banned from a pageant.
Got fired.
Quit.
Went to a lot of therapy.
Wrote a lot of songs.
Relapsed again.
Spent a lot of time on tumblr.
Faked it.
Did a lot of art.
Reconnected with amazing friends.
Went to Savannah.
Moved to St. Pete.
Made some best friends.
Fell in love with a few Burnt Part Boys.
Went to the beach.
Watched a lot of soccer.
Climbed that mountain.
Looked up and headed for the sun.
Missed my boys.
Got an apartment.
Relapsed again.
Went into the woods.
Waited in the dark until I set myself free.
Knew things now.
Cried a lot.
Cried some more.
Won an award.
Conquered some demons.
Made some more friends.
Found a family.
Had a lot of feelings.
Wrote.
Sang.
Freaked out.
Wrote some more.
Finished a musical.
Shared that musical.
Went back again, only different than before.

Top 5 Moments of 2014:

1. Burnt Part Boys
2. Getting my tiny home
3. TTB Awards
4. Into the Woods
5. Full

Now let's see how I did with those resolutions....
1. Kick Emily Out 
2. Finish my musical
3. Up my yoga game 
4. Up my uke game 
5. Blog
6. Get back to NYC - This resolution was made when I still felt like I was failing at being a human and the only way to stop failing was to somehow get back to New York City.  Little did I know what the universe had in store for me.  Instead of schlepping my way back to a restaurant job in the big apple, I went south to St. Pete where I have found so much happiness, artistic fulfillment, and the best family a girl could ask for.  I still want to get back to NYC eventually (Mike and Miriam, I can't promise emotional stability as a roomie, but I can promise that we will always have the CUTEST APARTMENT IN THE WORLD and I will always walk our hypothetical future dog), but I really really love where I am right now, and I am proud to call St. Pete home.

Get at me, 2015...

I Know Things Now...

It is certainly no secret that rehearsals for "Into The Woods" are in full swing at freeFall!  If there is one thing actors are good at, it is letting the world know how #blessed we are and bragging about #bookingit via social media.  I am definitely a culprit, but like...why not?!  I want the world to know how excited I am to be playing a dream role at the theatre I am #soblessed to call home!

It's also no secret that this show, like any Sondheim musical, is a doozy musically and lyrically.  I definitely feel challenged...something that excites me and terrifies me simultaneously.  It excites me because I am a Virgo/achiever/leftbrained/go-getter who LOVES to get stuff done and cross off a sensible to do list.  It terrifies me because I have a perfectionist/anxious/never-good-enough mind, and I put a lot of pressure on myself. In the words of the show though, I know that "I am not alone." 

Being in this process brings to mind feelings from another show I was in a few years ago.  I joke about it now (to hide the tears lol) but it was one of the worst and most humiliating weeks of my entire life.  At the time, I got even more upset trying to find meaning behind what happened.  The only solace I found was Mark Hardy telling me that "sometimes stuff just sucks." Yep, this life lesson has officially taken 3 years to fully comprehend. 

You guys know this story so I won't spell it out for you.  Let's just say that I put so much pressure on myself to perform this role (Beth March in "Little Women") that everything else became secondary.  Aka - It took over my whole life and I completely stopped taking care of myself. I ate even less.  I spent hours in practice rooms doing more beating myself up than actually singing.  I cried at every vocal lesson.  I was having a lot of trouble with my voice anyway, due to my restriction.  There was a complete chunk of my range that was just gone.  From about a C (above middle C) to F which is like...kind of necessary for musical theatre, especially roles that I am right for.  I would try and only air would squeak out -- Beth March literally sits right in that range.  I was absolutely terrified and panicked and was trying every Jamey Strawn trick in the book.  But nothing was working.  And then, I lost my voice.  All of it.   

I was unable to sing or speak and for the majority of the performances, Harli (who was playing Amy) sang my songs into a microphone off stage.  Talk about embarrassing.  It was the closest I've ever gotten to just throwing in the towel and screaming (figuratively, of course because I couldn't produce any sound) "I QUIT ACTING FOREVERRRRR!!" 

Last night at rehearsal we worked on "I Know Things Now."  Not only is the universe bonking me on the head with that title, but it's giving me nice little reminders that even though I am feeling anxious and worried and nervous about this challenging music, the answer is absolutely not to stop taking care of myself.  That is actually the opposite of what I need to do!  I know it seems like "duh, KT of course" but you would be surprised how right it feels at the time.  We are all guilty of it! But I am here to tell you that taking care of yourself needs to be your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.  It's a lesson I learned the hard way.  

But you know what? I know things now.