On The Road: EPCOT

You know...any sane, well adjusted, responsible adult would come home from an exhausting week long trip to California, get some rest, and continue on with their life.  But, I’m apparently none of those things and I’m definitely not a casual fan.  So three days after landing back in Tampa, I once again woke up before the sun to drive somewhere...for Hanson.

Every year, Hanson plays at the EPCOT Food and Wine festival as part of their Eat to the Beat concert series.  They play for three days (three short concerts each day) and they give a beer seminar the morning of the last day.  I went last year and it’s hilarious looking back on that experience compared to the one I had this year.  I wish I could tell that KT about the absolutely insane three days that she was going to live in a year.  But I’m getting ahead of myself!  

I scooped Sarah up on my way out of town and we made our way to Orlando.  We wanted to get to the park at 9am to secure our spots at the American Gardens Theatre.  EPCOT is a unique experience from any other Hanson concert because you get to sit in the venue when you get there instead of lining up for hours on end BUT you also have to leave your hard earned front row spot as soon as the first short concert ends.  So anyway, Sarah and I quickly learned the the back part of the park doesn’t open until 11am (last year I didn’t get to the park til about 2pm so I had no idea about this little detail).  So...we waited.  At this point, I had lots of experience waiting. My entire life for a week was waiting!  Bring it on!  

When the back section of the park finally opened, a crowd had formed and  a hoard of full grown women were running towards the venue so, as a person who is very competitive but only about very niche things (I don’t care who wins at board games but if someone in my gym class gets heavier dumbbells than me, you better believe I’m switching mine out) I started running too.  I’m not proud, but I also play to win.  We secured our front row, Taylor side spots and hunkered down for the relatively short wait (11am-5:30pm??  That’s nothing!).  Also, we were at Disney World!!  So there was food to eat, drinks to have, bathrooms galore, and if we needed to stretch our legs we could go visit Germany (okay that was just me, I LOVE GERMANY).

By the end of the three day extravaganza, we had our system down to an exact science.  On that first day, we met up with two of our line friends from St. Pete (Robin and Meredith) and ended up spending the whole trip with them.  The second day, I was NOT kidding around, and Meredith and I sprinted to the venue in order to get the best seats in the house (shout out to Jamarcus for getting me in shape!).  We knew what we needed to do in order to get in line for each mini-concert, and find the best seats, and haul ass after each set was done.  But when we weren’t running around like crazy people, we were hanging out with other fans who were doing the same exact thing as us, and laughing so hard it hurt.  

The third day brought the morning of the Beer Seminar, and let me tell you, this might rank as the single most craziest thing I have ever done for this band.  Sarah and I woke up around 5:30am (at this point my body was really not having it so I was trying my best to rally that morning!  Surprisingly, I felt much better after my morning JOG lol) and went downstairs to get breakfast for our crew.  We ended up having a breakfast picnic on the concrete outside the entrance to EPCOT, which was great because we needed to fuel.  I felt like the stakes were so high, and...so did everyone.  It’s hard not to get swept up in it all.  Anyway, the seminar was held at the festival center and only the first 100 people to get in line were allowed in.  Even though someone tried to do the Hanson tradition of numbering the line before we got into the park, once the gates were open, it was every man for himself.  Trust me when I say that I wish this wasn’t what it was like in this fandom, seeing as we’re all in our mid-twenties to forties at this point, but hey, it keeps us young, right?  All four of us made it into line for the seminar after our nice, relaxing morning SPRINT.  The entire line was comprised of the people we had spent the whole three days with, but the insanity was worth it.  The seminar was awesome and we all got to have some individual time with the guys and get pictures with them.  Taylor remembered me from the California follow and was absolutely delighted to see me, which made me feel pretty cool, I’m not gonna lie.  He made sure I was going to be at the shows that night.  

Um...yeah, I was gonna be there.

The rest of the day was a delight, and I was once again reminded of why I love this band and the experiences they have brought me (or put me through, depending on how you want to look at it).  I was surrounded by people I met through this music, laughing so hard I was crying, spending the day at Disney World, coasting on the feeling of talking to the musicians that I admire the most.  So yeah, I had to run and get really hoarse and be exhausted and feel like it was a life or death situation when they opened the gates.  But...isn’t that what we’re all kind of wishing for?  A life that is exciting and risky and significant?  A life that brings you joy so big that you feel like you’re going to explode?  

All I know is when they started playing “Penny and Me” during the last concert of the night, I absolutely dissolved.  I know it was partly due to exhaustion, partly due to the overwhelming gratitude I felt, and partly due to the fact that now my autumn of Hanson was officially drawing to a close.  I cried so hard I almost choked, but that’s beside the point.  They always dedicate that song to the travellers in the audience, and I did my fair share of travelling this fall.  After Penny ended, they transitioned to “I Was Born” which made me weepy in a different way.  Taylor did an abridged version of his speech from tour, and I just stood there watching, tears in my eyes, soaking it all in.  

So, I guess I should probably wrap this up since I’m once again getting emotional.   This fall I did something I’d never done before, and I followed a band on tour.  It came with a lot of crazy and not so pretty experiences, but it also came with friends, memories, and definitely the best of times.  Hanson, I’ll love you til the end, forever and a day.  Thank you for everything.

Peace, Love, and MmmHops,

KT

If I wait for summer to begin...

Holy wow, it's been a while, hasn't it?  I was even joking with my sister, who has a blog she actually updates regularly, that blogging is not my thing.  But writing definitely IS my thing, so I'm going to keep this little website in my back pocket for whenever I need or want it.  It's been with me through a whole heck of a lot.

So it's the end of May, you guys!!  Isn't that...crazy?  I feel like time is always flying by so fast.  I'm getting sick of saying "I can't believe it's *insert month here*", but I can't!  So anyway, SUMMER.  I have always loved the summer months.  Even after I graduated and became an ~adult~ there was just something about this time of year that put a tingle of possibility in my bones.  Growing up, summer meant being in a production, or at musical theatre camp, or going on a fun trip.  It meant new friends and new places and dreams as big as the sky over the arboretum.  My favorite memories are summers. Living in the musical theatre bubble of GSA, spending twelve hours a day at Lexington Children's Theatre, performing Rent or Hair or Once on this Island, moving to St. Pete and doing The Burnt Part Boys.

Around this time of year I get an itch.  It's the feeling that something BIG is about to happen, and I know that it's just my body saying "heyyyyy you're about to do a project or go on a trip"  even when it's not actually the case anymore (adulthood, am I right?).  So I guess my challenge to myself, and to all of you, is to USE that itch.  That summery restless feeling where our fingers and toes tell us that school is out, time to do something that we could write a YA novel about, but our brains know that we're still going to have to get up for work every day.  Use it to pick up an old hobby, or go to the beach, or go on a day trip, or spend a Saturday reading adventure novels.  Or...you know...actually do something crazy. Realize that dream you've been thinking about all winter. It's summer, after all.

Back again for more.

Hello everyone!  Wow, I haven't written here in a while.  I've been a little busy...

What's more is that when I stopped writing here before, it was because I didn't need it anymore.  And that was honestly a great feeling.  Writing this blog was a huge help to my recovery -- it was therapeutic in a lot of ways.  I felt like I was slowly clearing out all the passageways blocked up from years of my disorder.  Untangling strands in my brain until this whole recovery thing made sense.  There came a point where I didn't need to do that anymore, so I stopped blogging, and started focusing on my playwriting and composing.

After getting back from New York, I have had so many creative ideas but not many have come to fruition.  I am in the ideation phase of creativity which is, unfortunately for me your text book achiever, kind of frustrating.  I just want to DO things.  I have so many things I want to write about!  So many things I want to say!  And because of this, I decided to dust off this old thing.  My blog before was successful and helpful to me and the people who read it.  I think that's awesome.  It's going to be a little different now.  A nice cocktail of music and writing and life post recovery and finding happiness even with all the crazy crap going on in the world right now. I hope you'll join me....as usual, I have a lot to say.

-KT

2014

...So that’s how I started my new year. 2014. With tunnel vision from lack of oxygen. With my brother stroking my back, telling me to just breathe, you’ll get through this. With me wishing I didn’t have to feel anymore. With my mother in tears telling me she can’t keep watching me kill myself.  

In 2014 I...

Relapsed.
Cried.
Had lots of panic attacks.
Played Bingo.
Had numerous days when I couldn't get out of bed.
Spent countless hours on my living room couch.
Missed Emily.
Hated Emily.
Hated myself.
Yelled at Emily.
Played a lot of ukulele.
Watched a lot of Netflix..
Thought I would never get passed the bad part of recovery.
Rediscovered how fucking awesome my curls are.
Was in a parade.
Entered a pageant.
Got banned from a pageant.
Got fired.
Quit.
Went to a lot of therapy.
Wrote a lot of songs.
Relapsed again.
Spent a lot of time on tumblr.
Faked it.
Did a lot of art.
Reconnected with amazing friends.
Went to Savannah.
Moved to St. Pete.
Made some best friends.
Fell in love with a few Burnt Part Boys.
Went to the beach.
Watched a lot of soccer.
Climbed that mountain.
Looked up and headed for the sun.
Missed my boys.
Got an apartment.
Relapsed again.
Went into the woods.
Waited in the dark until I set myself free.
Knew things now.
Cried a lot.
Cried some more.
Won an award.
Conquered some demons.
Made some more friends.
Found a family.
Had a lot of feelings.
Wrote.
Sang.
Freaked out.
Wrote some more.
Finished a musical.
Shared that musical.
Went back again, only different than before.

Top 5 Moments of 2014:

1. Burnt Part Boys
2. Getting my tiny home
3. TTB Awards
4. Into the Woods
5. Full

Now let's see how I did with those resolutions....
1. Kick Emily Out 
2. Finish my musical
3. Up my yoga game 
4. Up my uke game 
5. Blog
6. Get back to NYC - This resolution was made when I still felt like I was failing at being a human and the only way to stop failing was to somehow get back to New York City.  Little did I know what the universe had in store for me.  Instead of schlepping my way back to a restaurant job in the big apple, I went south to St. Pete where I have found so much happiness, artistic fulfillment, and the best family a girl could ask for.  I still want to get back to NYC eventually (Mike and Miriam, I can't promise emotional stability as a roomie, but I can promise that we will always have the CUTEST APARTMENT IN THE WORLD and I will always walk our hypothetical future dog), but I really really love where I am right now, and I am proud to call St. Pete home.

Get at me, 2015...

Coming Home.

Coming home a year ago was really hard. I was excited to get out of NYC because I felt like I was failing.  I was failing at recovery, failing at living in the city, failing at making enough money to sustain my treatment, and most of all I was absolutely failing at anorexia. Now I know that you can't put your faith in a cape and a hood, they will not protect you the way that they should.  My disorder had become my security blanket (much like Little Red found comfort in her cape) and it was slowly slipping away from me which was the scariest thing that had ever happened.  But I also felt like I wasn't recovering very well or very quickly.  I was in a strange no man's land - not disordered, not recovered...not a little girl, but not an adult. So I came home because I honestly didn't know what else to do.  I had to put everything on hold and commit myself 100% to detoxing anorexia out of my life. Needless to say I relapsed about 3 days into being back.  Awesome.  New Years Eve I even broke out my old bag of tricks and told my mom I was eating with my sister, told my sister I had eaten with my mom, and then didn't eat at all. I felt the buzz of hunger in my brain that night, and coasted on the high for as long as I could.  I felt invincible.  I felt light.  And then I woke up feeling like absolute crap the next morning, and proceeded to have maybe the worst panic attack of my life.  I felt very much like I was back to square one.

Why am I telling you all this?  Because it is an extreme case of how hard the holidays and coming home to see family and friends can be. Seeing people and cramming all of our friends into the few short days we have at home can be extremely stressful, even when it doesn't need to be. We tend to revert back to old habits, whether they be restricting, snapping at family, isolating ourselves, or running away (For those of you dealing with ED specific problems, here's a post that might help ease some of the stress).

I mentioned to my Mom last night that I don't identify as an anorexic in any way anymore.  I identify as someone who has recovered.  Who has gone through the battle field and somehow, some way, made it to the other side.  I also don't believe any one ever TRULY loses every single bit of their disorder.  Emily will always whisper in my ear every once in a while (she loves to show up at holiday parties), but while that used to drive me to do irrational things, now I say "lol ok but also you're not real."  That's recovery.  That's coming home and being excited to see my family and friends.

Just remember when you're venturing home for the holidays that people are going to probably say stupid things.  Loved ones might make a comment about how you act or look differently.  Siblings might push your buttons.  Parents might nag you.  Friends might seem distant.  But that is no reason to change or lose the growth you have accomplished over the past year.  We are ever changing beings in this insane, difficult, amazing world - and we deserve to celebrate our accomplishments.

Happy Holidays, everyone.  I love you. <33

I know that there is so much more...

Outside there are choices

Colors, warmth, and giving.

If I could just get out there I'd be very good at living. 

I started writing "FULL" last October after a particularly trying day of treatment.  I was walking home and images, sounds, and lyrics filled my brain.  I fell asleep writing that night.  I don't care what higher power you ascribe to, but I know at that moment I was experiencing something divine that I never had before.  It was like ideas were pouring out of me and I couldn't move my pen or strum my ukulele fast enough.  Monday night, with the help of some of my best friends in the entire world, I was able to share my creation for the first time. 

I have been having trouble truly putting the experience I had on Monday into words, but I will say it was one of the best nights of my life so far.  The love I felt inside that room was unlike anything I have ever felt.  And that is because of all of you.  For helping me write this story, for your interest and kind words, for your support, and for your excitement...thank you will never be enough.  And the most exciting part?  This is just the beginning!!  Monday night was the first reading.  In the words of Harper: "This is not the final page, I know that there is so much more."  Yes, "FULL" is my story...but it is also everyone's story.  Everyone has a demon that they have to fight.  Everyone is the hero of their own story. 

Kelly -- Thank you for pushing me to do this.  Your support and love has been everything to me and it's because of you that I really dove into this with both feet.  I could not have done it without you...and not in a creepy Emily way, in a you are the best and a total badass way. 

Taylor, Susan, Jim, and Miriam -- The love I have in my heart for you is indescribable. I could not have asked for a better group of people to present this story!  Thank you for holding me up. So...next step Broadway?  Great. 

Matt, Eric, and Jim -- Thank you SO MUCH for letting me do this.  I am so honored to be a part of the freeFall family.  

There is no rest for the obsessive...bring on the rewrites!!! 

<333

Red Strings.

When I was quite a bit younger, I remember hearing the story of the "red string of fate."  It's a Chinese myth which explains how we come to know the important people in our lives.  According to this legend, the gods tie red strings around the ankles of all of those we are destined to meet, and our lives are just the red strings getting shorter and shorter.  I don't remember exactly when I first heard this story, but it has stuck with me ever since.  I love the image of it, and it's something I think about a lot.

As you know, I am a professional actress and I am incredibly lucky to have been quite successful in the years since graduating from college.  I love being able to do what I love and am passionate about for a living (and true, I still need a survival job for in between gigs, but  I love my job and the people I work with so I am not complaining).  But if we're being honest, the hardest part of this career is not the periods of unemployment or staring into the abyss of "ok the show is over NOW WHAT DO I EVEN DO?" It's the falling so deeply in love with so many people and then having to say goodbye over and over again.  This has been on my mind lately because Into the Woods has come to an end and the fact that the holidays are coming up. This year will be the 4th Thanksgiving I have been in a completely different place (Lexington, Lanesboro, New York City, and now St. Pete).  I also have 4 of the best friends in the world who all live in different cities (Chicago, Decorah, Lexington, Tampa). That's tough, ya know?  But the idea of having strong red strings attatched to all of the incredible people I have met in my life makes it so much easier.

I could totally let myself get down in the dumps about the fact that I feel like everyone is always leaving me/I'm always leaving everyone else.  It's probably the number one trigger for my depression.  But instead of focusing on that, I imagine the red strings that are now spread not only all across the country, but all across the world!  I wouldn't trade my career for anything.  I have always felt like a bit of a gypsy (thank you, Mom and Dad, for forcing me to move to Austria when I was five...I've never looked back since), so moving around a lot in order to do theatre has never felt wrong. What feels wrong is how deeply connected I get to people only to say goodbye a month later, but because of this unnatural lifestyle, I could pretty much go anywhere and feel like I'm home because of a friendly face smiling back at me.  The world is so big and so small at the same time, and we are all connected by those incredible red strings of fate.  

I talk about how much my friends mean to me all the time but it's true.  I am obsessed with each and every one of you.  I love you with a fierceness that I will NOT apologize for.  You keep me going, no matter how far away from eachother we are.

Once Upon a Time...

Fairy tales have been on my mind pretty much 24/7 these days.  What with "Into the Woods" playing on a constant loop in my brain and blaring so loudly in my head that I literally wake up at night singing the songs, I simply can't get the characters and morals out of my head!  During this process we have learned a lot about the importance of these tales in regards to the integration of our personalities.  Also, as someone who has spent over a year looking in the mirror and trying to convince myself that I am the hero of my own story, it is fascinating that through this process I finally feel like that is coming to fruition.  I am the hero of this story. The work is paying off and I am coming out on top.  

Once upon a time there was a girl who didn't believe she could do it.  She had been given a special quest - to use her gifts of song and friendship to bring happiness and joy to the world. She felt the pressure of this quest upon her shoulders constantly, and was terrified that she would not be able to achieve her goals.  In a moment of fear, she was visited by the Evil Queen.  

The Queen saw the girl's vulnerability, and struck a deal with the girl.  She told her that if she gave up the gifts of song and friendship, then the Queen would accomplish her task for her.  But in return, the girl would be cursed with the voice of the evil queen amplified within her brain.  The Queen's voice would control her until the task was achieved.  Little did the girl know that the Queen had no intention of fulfilling the task at hand.  The Queen had grown weak, and she only wanted the girl's gifts so that she would survive.  

The Queen's voice continued to grow stronger within the girl's mind, until she became convinced it was her own thoughts of doubt and hatred.  She descended into solitude, alone in the woods, with only the Queen's voice for company.  The words were so hateful that she was convinced that the world would be better off without her in it.  She had grown mute, the Queen using her power of song to fuel her evil power.  Many people tried to save her.  A valiant Prince came to her door, knocking and calling to her, but that only made her hide with more conviction.  She boarded up her windows and covered herself with blankets to protect her from the chilling winds in her own soul. 

One day, with the Queen's voice louder than ever, and her own voice unable to rise from her throat, the girl was visited by the Blue Fairy.  The Fairy didn't knock on the door, didn't call to her, didn't force her way into the lonely hiding place.  She only sent her a message of warmth and understanding.  A quiet hint of hope.  A reminder that she had a quest to go on.  She had a hero to become.

The girl ignored the message, unable to respond to anything that was not the Queen's voice.  And yet the Blue Fairy persisted, her power of love stronger than the Evil Queen's.  Soon the girl was completely enveloped in blue light.  Tears sprung to her eyes, and as they rolled down her cheek, and onto her throat, they allowed her voice to whisper through the silence.

"I can do this."

It was barely audible but it was there.  Day in and day out she said it.  Time passed slowly, but the whisper grew louder and stronger.  The feelings of love welled up inside of her, until she was screaming her battle cry so loudly that the Queen herself could hear it from her castle.

The girl, with her new powerful voice welling up inside her throat, stepped out of the cabin she had been hiding in for so many years.  And when she looked around, she was amazed.  Her battle cry had been heard not by some, but by many.  She was surrounded by fairies, and animals, and elves.  By royalty, and giants, and even the town baker.  Her best friends were all around her, and she realized that the Queen would never truly take her power of friendship.  

With her army of love behind her, the girl led the march to the Castle.  When she was outside the gates, she took in a deep breath and yelled with a power unlike any she had ever experienced.  She yelled at the Queen to leave.  To flee, and never come back.  She was not needed here, and never would be.  The cry was echoed by every single one of her friends, and became a beautiful song.  A song that was so full of love and support that the Queen could not bear to listen, and fled the kingdom in a rage.  

After the dust settled, and the girl realized the Queen was gone, she looked around at the incredible group around her.  It was the whole Kingdom!  Brought together by song and friendship.  Brought together by love.  They were all heroes.  Herself included. 

That which does not serve you...

Let go of that which does not serve you. 

Ten.

With the start of each new month, I celebrate how far I've come, and how far I still have to go. Some might see that as self indulgent and excessive, but I have learned how important it is to celebrate every single victory, no matter how small. I also believe that maybe in doing so, I will inspire others to realize that living with whatever mental health issue you have is just not worth it.  It has now been 10 months since the day I first began extracting my disorder from my life, bit by bit.  That day in October I looked inside myself and whispered "please leave." It was timid, unsure, and quiet.  It was muttered in between sobs.  It was forced, because I wanted more than anything to stay curled up under my security blanket of lies and disassociation. I remember spending the majority of the previous day crying, and waking up that morning feeling as though a mack truck had run over me, thinking "well...here we go...the rest of my life."

I will never sugar coat recovery.  I will never tell you that I woke up, having decided to eliminate anorexia from my life, ate some pancakes, and it was all uphill from there.  I will never idealize this process.  I will, however, say that it is the best thing I have ever done.

I have lost a lot in these 10 months, I have gone through serious withdrawals, and serious grief.  I have lost Emily - that constant friend who was always by my side, who claimed to know me better than anyone, but in reality was suffocating me.  I have lost coping mechanisms that allowed me to detach myself from truly feeling.  I have lost the body I had grown accustomed to.  I have lost the sick pleasure I got in having people stare and whisper about me.

And yet, there is so much more I have gained...

10 - Strength

9- Flexibility (both physically and mentally) 

8 - Brain Space 

7 - Self Love

6 - Hope 

5 - Honesty

4 - Energy

3 - Courage

2 - Joy

1 - A Future (because if we are completely honest, without recovery my options were death, or being hooked up to a feeding tube in a hospital, which is not living)

This morning I woke up to 10,000 views on this blog, which is completely overwhelming and amazing.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  This blog has become something that saves my life daily, and I can't express how much it means to me to have people read my story as it unfolds.  You ALL are part of this journey.  I couldn't do it without you.  <33 

Fear

The other day in treatment, my therapist asked me "what are you afraid of?"

It was interesting, because I wasn't prepared for the question or my immediate response.  As soon as she finished speaking, a week of holding in emotions started pouring out of me, in the form of unstoppable tears.  I think crying is really important, and I have never been afraid to cry, but for whatever reason I had been holding it in for the past few days when really I needed to let it out.  Because frankly, I was terrified.  I am terrified.

Recovery is a scary time.  Being in your twenties is a scary time.  Moving to a new city is a scary time.  Being an actor in between shows is a scary time.  And that really is the word I would describe how I'm generally feeling lately.  Scared.

What am I afraid of?
Failing.
Running out of money. 
Making bad choices. 
Being an adult. 
Not finding a job that allows me to live comfortably. 
Having to go back to Lexington for whatever reason.
My body changing.
Not being able to fit into clothes (hey, just being honest here).
Not being able to stop eating on extreme hunger days (loss of control is terrifying).
Being a hypocrite. 
My face filling out. 
Not feeling comfortable in my own skin.
Unhealthy thoughts. 
Losing my friends. 
Losing my family. 
Losing my voice. 

So like any sensible person who is feeling scared and unsure about the future, I signed a lease on an apartment.  I've always been a person that has to force herself out of fear.  No one can do it for me.  Oh, you're scared that you're going to be stuck in Lexington at home forever?  I guess I'll go sublet an apartment in New York for a few months!  Oh, you're terrified of becoming an adult?  I guess I'll move to St. Pete and get an apartment!  I often question my tactics but whatever, I'm just being me.

Looking at the list above is interesting, because I know a year ago how I would deal with every single one of those fears.  I would lose my appetite and restrict.  I would go to the gym to "let off some steam."  I would take 2 hour walks to "clear my head."  I would allow every sense to get wrapped in cotton wool and descend into my beloved brain buzz. Not feeling is sometimes quite nice.  It really is a high, and for a while you feel wonderfully intoxicated. But hiding from the things that scare you only make them scarier later on.  And now, the healthy part of my brain looks at that list and says "Duh, KT.  There's one thing that will make all of those things easier to deal with...not having an eating disorder."

I'm proud of myself for getting an apartment, and you better believe it's going to be the cutest apartment in the beautiful city of San Pedro.  I mean, look at the door!  I decided on this for my inspiration image and color palette:

And here are some more images from my apartment pinterest board (yep, I'm that person).  I seriously live for this kind of stuff.

The future is scary...but it's pretty exciting, if you ask me.

You Made This. I Am That.

This rehearsal process has been a whirlwind, but an incredible whirlwind.  Not only am I surrounded by insanely talented and inspiring people, but it has allowed me to take all of the hard and harrowing work I have done in recovery and put it into practice.  For more days than not in the past 8 months, I felt like this thing I was battling was putting me through the ringer, and that the reward wouldn't be worth it in the end.  I can now say that every tear, every scream, every step so far has been worth it.  I am not fully recovered...I am not going to try to kid myself there...but I am well on my way to becoming a success story.

One thing this show and this process has shown me is how truly amazing my body is.  After 4 years of beating myself up, this is somewhat of a new insight.  Every day I am astonished by how my (now much stronger) arms and legs can heave myself up into the jungle-gym like set Eric designed, how I can jump from a platform and not feel breakable, how I can sing the high notes that I lost at my lowest weight. I would have never been able to do this show last summer.  And 2 summers ago? Forget it, I would have gone to the hospital.  Because of this, I have gotten into the habit of thanking my body EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even when it's not 100% sincere.  I would like to share a poem inspired by this practice, which I hope will in turn inspire YOU to join me!

Thank you for forgiving me 

after years of tearing you down 

after years of ignoring your cries for help

tears of frustrating fueling my hatred 

feeling betrayed

while I was the one betraying you. 

I tried so hard to disappear 

to shrink to what I thought was an acceptable amount of space

to take up in the universe.

None at all.

When I was weak

I felt like a perfect china doll

a false smile painted on every brittle bone.

Little did I know

that china dolls break.

I never realized the unadulterated joy in feeling the vibrations created

by boots striking the earth

my own feet inside.

Never relishing in the moments of expansion...

How am I supposed to change the world

when the world has swallowed me whole?

I will swallow the world

and nurture it inside of me

just as my mother did with this inexplicable bundle of atoms

cobbled together with nothing but unconditional love.

I will wrap my strong arms around myself

just as my father held me tight

assuring me that I will never fall

I will only grow.

They made something precious

and strong

and imperfect

Something that can sing, and climb, and laugh, and feel

and expand.

They made something remarkable. 

I am that.  

I am. 

I encourage you to join me in my revolution of self love.  It is so much better than the alternative.  I can not say it enough.  Now let's open this show, shall we??

Beach Days, Beach Daze

Did I mention I love living here?

Don't worry, we rehearse too...

Today was one of my favorite days off ever.  Sunshine tired, ready for another 10 of 12 tomorrow, goodnight Neverland!! 

<33

Florida's Finest

Some highlights from the past few days in the sunshine state!!

Music rehearsals, new friends, ukulele jam sessions, beach time, sunshine, barbecues, cards against humanity, and all of the fun.

So, so, so happy.

<33