Breaking Rules and Taking Names.

2 weeks of rehearsals for "The Burnt Part Boys", done and DONE.  This process has been amazing so far.

The other day we had our sitzprobe - for those of you who don't know, that is the first rehearsal with the band.  It was 5 hours of going over music, making sure every sound level was perfect, and that the cues all lined up.  It sounds tedious, but it was during that rehearsal that I realized this is the most fun I've had doing a show since RENT (the last golden summer before Emily took up permanent residence in my brain.  And to be honest, it was already happening that summer, it just hadn't completely taken over my life).  This realization was a big one for me.  Sure, since RENT I've been in incredible productions with amazing people.  I've had experiences I wouldn't trade for the world, but there was always something there.  Now I know that veil that was clouding every aspect of my life was Emily's voice playing on a constant loop of negative self talk.  Because of this unrelenting stream of hatred, she and I created (ultimately pointless) tactics to keep the self loathing at bay...

Food Rules. 

The rules didn't start out very strict.  In fact, if you asked me how I ate before my ED, I probably wouldn't be able to tell you.

So she and I crafted these rules that became stricter and less forgiving as time went on, but the number one rule was always "don't let anyone know you have rules."  That's why I was plagued with crippling embarrassment when someone accidentally used my Madeline plate and I had to confront them about it.  Or if I had to eat lunch earlier than 2 pm to accommodate someone else, causing me to snap and make a vicious comment. I didn't want anyone to know how deeply I cared.  How intensely important these rules had become for me.

When I first started defying food rules, it was terrifying.  I felt like the floor had been ripped away from me and I was falling into nothingness.  The lack of control was agonizing.  There were a few that forced me to go into the bathroom prior and following just to talk myself into doing it, then to calm myself down afterwards.  But there was always one constant...the world didn't end.  I was fine.

Now, I love it.  It creates a high in me unlike anything I've ever experienced.  I used to have feelings of guilt about every single thing that passed through my mouth, and that doesn't happen anymore.  It is an act of defiance against Emily, and when I am able to define it as a victory, it feels glorious.  

Some things are way harder than others, and I am not breaking food rules left and right at every meal every day of the week.  Somewhere along the way these compulsions became ingrained into my psyche, and that is hard to break!  It is still extremely difficult for me to eat dessert with other people, especially early in the day.  I have yet to sit down with a bag of chips and not portion myself out an allotment on a plate.  But I have broken quite a few of the rules, and it never gets old.  Just yesterday I went with my friend Miriam to Dough in Tampa, to celebrate National Doughnut Day (a very important holiday).  It may seem silly that going to place for a random treat at a random time of day with a friend is a huge deal but, in my book, it's a victory.  I believe that food rules are a bad thing...something that is put in place by disordered thinking and can spiral out of control.  In my perfect world, there would be no food rules.  Because with no food rules, there is no guilt, and with no guilt there is no self loathing.  Only self love and acceptance. 

  

Peace, love, and doughnuts fah dayz.
<33

I am OBSESSED (3-21)

Wow is it really obsession time already?!  This week absolutely flew by...but that means it's Friday so Happy Friday, I guess!  This week I am absolutely lovin'...

1. Iced Coffee - I drink it all year round, even when there is snow on the ground (I MADE A RHYME) but there is something so satisfying about sipping on a grande when the sun is shining down on your face and you're not actively shivering. Now if only I was in the amphitheatre with Robyn...

2. Calendars - Since January I've been making custom calendars and I can't stop.  I love crafting and for some reason making these for people has been so fun and relaxing.  I just made one for my sister that starts in March and goes until next February, so let me know if you want me to make you one.  Just pick out 12 sheets of specialty paper at Michael's and I'll do the rest!

3. Pattycake Bakery - Every time my mom goes to Columbus, she stocks up on treats from this amazing bakery. Seriously, it's the tops.  They have the best (and biggest) chocolate cupcakes in the entire world, not to mention their Tollhouse cookies, whoopie pies, brownies, and cake by the slice. Y'all know I don't mess around with my desserts.  Now I'm just sad that all the treats are gone. If you're ever in Columbus, it would be very beneficial for you to stop in and get yourself something.  YOU'RE WORTH IT. 

4. Dance Academy (Season 2) - I'm putting this again because I'm on Season 2 which is TOTALLY different, right?!  RIGHT?!  I have a problem.  But if loving Australian teen dramas is wrong then I don't want to be right.  As I plow my way through the second season again, I am reminded of just how annoying Tara is (seriously, she is a horrible protagonist and not likeable at all), how Grace is literally the worst human being to exist, and how we never actually see Ethan dance. Have you noticed that?  He plays piano FAH DAYS, but never dances. Star of third year, my ass.  I'm not ready for the emotions that come with the end of this season, but I'm excited to watch season 3.  I've never seen it!  Wow, I'm annoying. 

5. Avocado Toast - Uuuuuuugh, yea, yea, yea, you can say it.  You told me so. I have had this for lunch for 3 straight days now and there's only one person to blame. 

6. Angela - I could say this every week, every day, every hour.  You see, Angela (my ukulele) is pretty much my soulmate.  I don't want this to get weird but let's just say I've been...working on some things with the help of professionals for close to 6 months now (whoa).  One of the very first behavioral exercises I was told to do was to find a "tangible object" to take the place of a certain psychological security blanket that I've been holding on to for close to 4 years.  This security blanket, while seemingly friendly, was destroying me.  Literally killing me from the inside out.  No bueno.  So to replace it, I needed to find something that brought me joy and comfort even in the darkest of times.  I remember sitting in my bedroom in NYC, stressing over this assignment (only me...), debating on whether I wanted to use the fawn necklace Robyn had sent me, or a ring Catie had passed down to me, or a picture of me with my family.  While I was thinking about it, I mindlessly picked up my uke and started strumming and singing.  I got caught up in the song and before I knew it I was belting "On the Radio" by Regina Spektor and crying my eyes out with joy (normal). I was so happy in that moment of catharsis that everything else slipped away, and I realized that Angela was my object.  Now, whenever I get wrapped up in a sadness burrito, she is the first thing I grab.  No matter how I'm feeling or how far back I have slid or how triggering a day is, she always makes me feel better and reminds me of what is important.  I can't wait to play her for everyone tomorrow at the Rose Ball!!

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, and are able to get out and enjoy this SUNSHINE!  I am OBSESSED with sunshine!
<33