100 Reasons to Recover...

Often during recovery, bad thoughts and temptations get in the way and cloud your judgement.  When that happens, I look at this list...my 100 reasons to recover.  There are countless more that I discover every day, but this list always grounds me and makes me so happy to be alive. 

1. So I can be onstage and tell my story.

2. So that I can be there for my friends when they are struggling just like they have been there for me.
3. So I can be a positive role model.
4. So that I can help people.
5. So that next time I see my brother, I won't be relapsing like the last 2 times he came to visit. So he can see that I've actually made progress. That I am getting better. That I am taking charge of my life.  He can be proud of me and worry just a little less.

6. Because I deserve to love myself.

7.  So that my mom can stop worrying about her 23 year old, adult daughter. 

8.  So that I can stop having panic attacks about the panic attacks that I keep having in front of my sister.

9. So I can go long distance hiking, hopefully on the AT!! I want to conquer the trail, summit mountains, be a part of the wonder of nature, and NOT fall over backwards because my pack weighs more than I do.

10. So that I can travel the world.

11. Because I'M HILARIOUS.

12. Because I always...ALWAYS finish what I've started.

13. Because I always...ALWAYS stick to the plan. My plan is to recover. 

14. Because life is too short.

15. Brownies.

16. So I can go back to NYC, be an actress, party like a rockstar, and not want to just sleep constantly.
17. SINGING!!!
18. Angela.
19. So that I can play some more dream roles.
20. So that people look at me because I'm radiating with joy, not because they're worried about me.
21. So that I can make people smile.
22. So that I can learn new and exciting things with a fully functioning brain.
23. Because my smile is a beacon that needs to shine all the way to heaven to light the Mark World of Delight.
24. So that I can be on Broadway.
25. So that I can carry heavy things without falling down and having people laugh at me.
26. Pizza.
27. So that I can bake delicious treats and actually eat them with everyone at the same time.
28. So that I can finish my musical and share it with the world.
29. So that I'm not cold all the time.
30. MY HAIR!!
31. So that I can go out dancing.

32. So that I can go out drinking.

33. So that I can experience new and exciting foods from around the world.

34. So that I can be spontaneous!

35. So that I can order bar food and not feel guilty.

36. So I can write a book.

37. So I can meet my soulmate and fall in love. 

38. So I can be a mom and raise my children to love and accept themselves and others.

39. High notes.

40. Flexibility - both mentally and physically.

41. Recovery tattoo.

42. No more starvation brain fog.

43. No more lanugo.

44. No more awkward bruising.

45. Food anytime, anywhere, with anyone.

46. So I can go to Australia.

47. No more food lies.

48. No more fear of intimacy.

49. To enjoy holidays.

50. To not plan ahead.

51. To not live by rules, rules, rules.

52. So that I can create something amazing!

53. So that I can ride a bike for miles and miles and feel like I'm flying. 

54. To explore!

55. To make new friends. 

56. Orange Juice.

57. My voice in my brain and no one else's. 

58. Awkward ED humor.

59. So that I can be a motivational speaker and eventually speak on NKU's campus...preferably the theatre department...

60. So I can be a casting director.

61. So I never feel like I'm about to pass out while I"m driving. 

62. So my children can be disgustingly close with their cousins.

63. So my children can marry Robyn's children.

64. So I can be more and more like Shirley Temple (my queen) every day. 

65. There are a lot of books to read.

66. There are a lot of movies to see.

67. There are a lot of shows to watch.

68. So that I can eventually play Emily on stage and not be terrified.

69. Tap dancing.

70. Disney World.

71. Because I'm strong and people assume I'm weak...I love proving people wrong.
72. Because there are so many people in this world who deserve more but can't see it.  I want to show them that it's possible.
73. So that my story can have a happy ending.
74. Yoga.
75. Smoothies.
76. So I can make my Dad proud.

77. So that I can hike the Alps as an adult.

78. So that my siblings and I can grow old together and keep having fun.

79. So I can be in Beth's wedding.

80. So I can be in Robyn's wedding. 

81. So I can be in Sarah R's wedding.

82. So I can be in Jessica's wedding.

83. Because my Mom is the best ever and doesn't deserve this.

84. Because I have come so far already.

85. There are so many delicious treats to be nommed.

86. So I can have my own cat.

87. Because I want to make my children surprise lunches.

88. Because I want my musical to change someone's life for the better.

89. So I can speak/sing at NCYC. 

90. Panini Church

91. So I can go back and have a D-town day with Sarah and Carla.

92. Because everybody loves pie.

93. Because my family has been so supportive and wonderful.

94. Daffodils.

95. So I can go to the world cup and cheer on my boys.

96. So that I can free up all that brain space.

97. So that I never feel silent again.

98. Because I have so much to give to the world.

99. Because I've only just begun.

100.  BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE END OF MY STORY.

I am OBSESSED (3-21)

Wow is it really obsession time already?!  This week absolutely flew by...but that means it's Friday so Happy Friday, I guess!  This week I am absolutely lovin'...

1. Iced Coffee - I drink it all year round, even when there is snow on the ground (I MADE A RHYME) but there is something so satisfying about sipping on a grande when the sun is shining down on your face and you're not actively shivering. Now if only I was in the amphitheatre with Robyn...

2. Calendars - Since January I've been making custom calendars and I can't stop.  I love crafting and for some reason making these for people has been so fun and relaxing.  I just made one for my sister that starts in March and goes until next February, so let me know if you want me to make you one.  Just pick out 12 sheets of specialty paper at Michael's and I'll do the rest!

3. Pattycake Bakery - Every time my mom goes to Columbus, she stocks up on treats from this amazing bakery. Seriously, it's the tops.  They have the best (and biggest) chocolate cupcakes in the entire world, not to mention their Tollhouse cookies, whoopie pies, brownies, and cake by the slice. Y'all know I don't mess around with my desserts.  Now I'm just sad that all the treats are gone. If you're ever in Columbus, it would be very beneficial for you to stop in and get yourself something.  YOU'RE WORTH IT. 

4. Dance Academy (Season 2) - I'm putting this again because I'm on Season 2 which is TOTALLY different, right?!  RIGHT?!  I have a problem.  But if loving Australian teen dramas is wrong then I don't want to be right.  As I plow my way through the second season again, I am reminded of just how annoying Tara is (seriously, she is a horrible protagonist and not likeable at all), how Grace is literally the worst human being to exist, and how we never actually see Ethan dance. Have you noticed that?  He plays piano FAH DAYS, but never dances. Star of third year, my ass.  I'm not ready for the emotions that come with the end of this season, but I'm excited to watch season 3.  I've never seen it!  Wow, I'm annoying. 

5. Avocado Toast - Uuuuuuugh, yea, yea, yea, you can say it.  You told me so. I have had this for lunch for 3 straight days now and there's only one person to blame. 

6. Angela - I could say this every week, every day, every hour.  You see, Angela (my ukulele) is pretty much my soulmate.  I don't want this to get weird but let's just say I've been...working on some things with the help of professionals for close to 6 months now (whoa).  One of the very first behavioral exercises I was told to do was to find a "tangible object" to take the place of a certain psychological security blanket that I've been holding on to for close to 4 years.  This security blanket, while seemingly friendly, was destroying me.  Literally killing me from the inside out.  No bueno.  So to replace it, I needed to find something that brought me joy and comfort even in the darkest of times.  I remember sitting in my bedroom in NYC, stressing over this assignment (only me...), debating on whether I wanted to use the fawn necklace Robyn had sent me, or a ring Catie had passed down to me, or a picture of me with my family.  While I was thinking about it, I mindlessly picked up my uke and started strumming and singing.  I got caught up in the song and before I knew it I was belting "On the Radio" by Regina Spektor and crying my eyes out with joy (normal). I was so happy in that moment of catharsis that everything else slipped away, and I realized that Angela was my object.  Now, whenever I get wrapped up in a sadness burrito, she is the first thing I grab.  No matter how I'm feeling or how far back I have slid or how triggering a day is, she always makes me feel better and reminds me of what is important.  I can't wait to play her for everyone tomorrow at the Rose Ball!!

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, and are able to get out and enjoy this SUNSHINE!  I am OBSESSED with sunshine!
<33

I am OBSESSED (3-14)

It's that time of week again!  This is becoming my favorite post to do because I am so obsessed with so many things. I HAVE A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE, PEOPLE.  Well let's just jump right in, shall we?!

1. Dance Academy - Thank that baby Jesus for Netflix.  I love Australian teen dramas, and Netflix delivers 3 whole seasons of (in my opinion) the nation's best.  Dance Academy.  Yes, Tara is insufferable, Abigail is pretty much the worst, and the living situation is hardly believable...but that doesn't mean I don't love every second of this show. It's equal parts corny and incredibly honest. How do the Aussies do it?!  I want to be Kat when I grow up.  She's just the coolest! Sammy is just the most adorable little nugget on the planet, and I find myself screaming at Abigail for being so mean to him in the beginning of his pursuit of her.  But like, can we talk about Abigail for a minute?!  She's an awful human being, but I obviously find myself relating to her.  Some of the ways she lashes out hit so close to home it hurts.  Girl, I GET IT. Having an eating disorder sucks balls (and I can imagine when you are at the most prestigious dance school in Australia, it's even worse).  Wow I rambled about this show for a while, and I still have more to say.  I guess I'll have to do a post just about Dance Academy...darn!!

2. Indian Chai - When I lived in NYC, I worked at Alice's Tea Cup. It was and still is my favorite job I've ever had, and I can't wait to go back when I am once again in the city.  The only problem was, I got addicted to Indian Chai and would drink it every single morning as I opened the restaurant in the early darkness. It would be by my side as I decorated the scone board and let the first way-too-eager middle aged women in at 8:00 am sharp (*knock knock knock* "It's 7:58 can I come in yet it's so cold out here!!!!").  It is the best chai in the world, and when I came back to Kentucky I didn't realize how much I truly loved it until I didn't have it! BUT...Chelsea to the rescue!!  My GIRL Chelsea, another hostess ATC and my very best work friend, sent me some of the good stuff so my addiction can live on.  Now I just have to get back to the Cup so we can wear top knots and drink Alice's Mochas again every day.  I'm missing the princess lifestyle, ya know?

3. "Top Rated" by Icona Pop - I love Icona Pop more than most things and lately, with the warm weather allowing me to roll down my windows, I have been jamming to this particular song while cruising along in Krysta, the diva-mobile. I literally have kept it on repeat in my car.  I'm working on a Ukulele cover of it, which I will record and post here this coming week! 

4. SUNSHINE - No more cold, gimme that Vitamin D!!

5. "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed - In case you missed the last two posts about it, let's just throw this one in for good measure.  

6. This Queso - Pretty sure I could just eat it straight from the jar with a spoon.  I haven't...or anything...*runs away*.

Alright, I think that's enough for now. This has been an exceptionally fantastic week....my cup is definitely full of joy and brimming over with happiness muffins.  Oh, and it's Pie (Pi) Day, so really what could go wrong?  I had a big honking slice of cherry pie earlier this week...I might have to have a piece for lunch to celebrate the holiday.

What kind of pie are you OBSESSED with?!

What I Read: "The Chaperone"

"I am supposed to be where I go."

― Laura Moriarty, The Chaperone

The latest book I finished is "The Chaperone" by Laura Moriarty.  It's the story of Cora - the woman chosen to chaperone the incomparable Louise Brooks while she was only 15 years old and trying to break out of her small town life. If you're already following me on Goodreads, you'll know I gave it an absolutely glowing review.  New York City! Broadway! The Golden Age of Hollywood! Strong Female Protagonists!  Even just looking at the cover in the bookstore I knew I would like this book.  Yet even so, there were connections and incredibly touching moments that took me by surprise and made me see things about the world and about myself clearer.  I hope that after reading this review, you think about picking up a copy from the library...and please let me know if you do.  I love nothing more than a reading buddy! 

Why I read it: I've always been a huge fan of historical fiction, especially stories set around the 1920's - 1940's (which were all covered within this book!).  I think this stems back to my obsession with Shirley Temple that I have had since before I can even remember. I have always felt drawn to that era...the Great Depression leading in to the Golden Age of Hollywood. I often make jokes that I lived a past life during that time.  So when I saw this book about Louise Brooks, an incredibly famous silent film actress who popularized the bob haircut, I had a feeling this would be a good one.  The majority of the novel is set in New York City (the best city on earth) while Louise is training with the Denishawn Dance Company, and hoping to make it big. 

What I loved: What Moriarty did so well with this book was she told it from Cora's point of view, not Louise's.  Louise, a starlet from the moment she was born, was not the star of this particular story.  It was unassuming Cora who made incredible discoveries about herself and found truth in the Big Apple.  That's not to say that Louise's portion of the story wasn't compelling. The stories of both Cora and Louise were both so beautifully moving and made me proud to be a woman in the entertainment business. In different ways, both women inspired me to use my craft to make a difference. Truly the main thing I loved about the book was the setting - New York City in the 1920's.  Moriarty captured it so effortlessly and I felt like I was right there with Cora wandering the streets of Manhattan.  Another surprising facet was the controversial topics of the times that were dealt with.   Generally with historical fiction like this it is racism that is focused on, but this story delved into contraception and homosexuality in a very brave and realistic manner. 

Why you should read it:

- If you are in the entertainment industry...it makes you proud to be a part of that strange niche in society while putting a lot of things into a bigger perspective. Never lose sight of who you are. 

- If you are a woman...it delves into interesting topics regarding women's place in society during this turbulent time.  It's interesting to see the juxtaposition between 2 different women who are only 15 years apart in age, yet clash on almost every world view.  Times were a changing, and people were struggling to keep up!

- If you love New York...Moriarty did such a fabulous job transporting me to the city that never sleeps in a fascinating and formative time. 

- If you love Old Hollywood...you will surely know who Louise Brooks is and want to know more about her captivating screen presence.  

"She had, it seemed, two options: continued hunger, or, if she ate a full meal, the corset's further reprimand. The gnaw from the inside or the squeeze from the outside.  Which was worse? She knew she was tired of hunger.  That was what she knew."