Permission

I'm really good at justifying other people's decisions.  I learned this skill after spending countless hours in high school, college, and theatres listening to people trying to justify what they were doing and then feeling guilty about it.  "It's tech week so I can have candy for breakfast, right?  RIGHT?  UGH I'M THE WORST. IT'S NOT EVEN CHEAT DAY!" First of all...don't even get me started on the phrase "cheat day". I find it insufferable and so disordered. But anyway, that would always be my cue to say something like "No, that's totally fine.  It's tech week you're allowed to do whatever you want."

But here's the secret.  Even if it's not tech week, even if you aren't having a bad day, even if you weren't "good" yesterday, even if you didn't go to the gym, even if you slept for 15 hours straight and then laid in bed until your cat peed on your face - you really can do whatever you want.  Whenever you want.  

I give you permission.

I give you permission to abandon food rules and go out with friends to a new restaurant, even if you were planning on making your own dinner.  I give you permission to not know what is on the menu before you go.  I give you permission to live in the moment. 

I give you permission to unabashedly cheer for your favorite sports team.  Even if it goes against your country of origin.  I give you permission to school guys about stoppage time and to decorate your bracket with pretty colors and stickers. I give you permission to live passionately. 

I give you permission to go out to a bar in the middle of the day and order a screwdriver and delicious fried food to soak up the alcohol. I give you permission to enjoy your Vitamin C with a little vodka thrown in.  I give you permission to put your feet up at a beach bar and relax the evening away. 

I give you permission to take selfies because you are having a good body image day. 

I give you permission to take a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day.  Rest is one of the most important things we can give our bodies.  I give you permission to TAKE A ENTIRE DAY OFF.  I give you permission to watch a whole season on Netflix and tear through a novel and spend a few hours on Tumblr. 

I give you permission to feel great about yourself.  Even if you aren't feeling it 100%.  I give you permission to walk around this earth like the human embodiment of perfection. 

I give you permission to be proud of yourself. 

I give you permission to start falling in love with yourself.  

 

Exactly.

There have been a few moments in my life where I have looked at myself, looked at the people around me, and looked at what I'm doing and have been exactly where I wanted to be.  Happy in every sense of the word, with no impulse or desire to change anything.

Opening night of "The Burnt Part Boys" was one of those moments.

I've done a lot of thinking and writing about happiness. I've also spent a lot of time pretending to be the happiest girl in the world when I was the most miserable I've ever been.  Since then I have learned that all  feelings are valid and should be expressed and felt, and lying about it will get you NOWHERE.  Real anger is good.  Real sadness is good. Real happiness is REALLY GOOD. In all of this reflection I have found that in order to be happy I need to be 100% me, connecting with the people around me with no isolation, and not allowing anything to compromise my ability to live in the moment.  Saturday night, the checklist was completely checked off.  I was doing what I love to do most in the world, at a theatre I am honored to call home, with the most amazing cast I've ever been a part of, connecting fully and intensely with the audience. I never once caught myself spiraling into negative or destructive thoughts.  I was truly focused and truly present. I was simultaneously 100% KT and 100% Frances and I was so overwhelmed with happiness I could barely even contain myself. 

And one thing is absolutely certain ... there was no sign, hint, or glimmer of Emily (ding, dong, the bitch is gone).  Honestly, I haven't heard from her in a while...and if that isn't a reason to celebrate with whiskey lemonade, bluegrass music, and photo-ops...I don't know what is.  

And then the game of "let's pose with KT but be shorter than her" started.  It was hilarious, I promise (thank you apple pie moonshine). 

This show means so much to me on so many levels.  I'm a huge believer that the universe knows what it's doing and it knew that in the past year some shit had to go down in order for me to be ready to do this.  I could seriously write a dissertation on Frances (*hides my extensive character journal...embarrassing*), and the thing that's so awesome about her is that she makes me feel STRONG.  I care about this show and our work so much that nothing else matters.  I am flabbergasted every day by how much brain space is freed up when the negative and guilty thoughts aren't there.  Jeez. I can fully commit myself to my craft and to the people around me who I love SO much.  THIS CAST AND CREW, MAN!! Ugh.  They blow me away every day. 

If you are able to, please come see "The Burnt Part Boys" at freeFall Theatre!! Tickets are going fast! You will not be disappointed.  The work these guys have done and continue to do will knock your socks off. 

(Production photos courtesy of Mike Wood!! He is a cool dude.) 

Breaking Rules and Taking Names.

2 weeks of rehearsals for "The Burnt Part Boys", done and DONE.  This process has been amazing so far.

The other day we had our sitzprobe - for those of you who don't know, that is the first rehearsal with the band.  It was 5 hours of going over music, making sure every sound level was perfect, and that the cues all lined up.  It sounds tedious, but it was during that rehearsal that I realized this is the most fun I've had doing a show since RENT (the last golden summer before Emily took up permanent residence in my brain.  And to be honest, it was already happening that summer, it just hadn't completely taken over my life).  This realization was a big one for me.  Sure, since RENT I've been in incredible productions with amazing people.  I've had experiences I wouldn't trade for the world, but there was always something there.  Now I know that veil that was clouding every aspect of my life was Emily's voice playing on a constant loop of negative self talk.  Because of this unrelenting stream of hatred, she and I created (ultimately pointless) tactics to keep the self loathing at bay...

Food Rules. 

The rules didn't start out very strict.  In fact, if you asked me how I ate before my ED, I probably wouldn't be able to tell you.

So she and I crafted these rules that became stricter and less forgiving as time went on, but the number one rule was always "don't let anyone know you have rules."  That's why I was plagued with crippling embarrassment when someone accidentally used my Madeline plate and I had to confront them about it.  Or if I had to eat lunch earlier than 2 pm to accommodate someone else, causing me to snap and make a vicious comment. I didn't want anyone to know how deeply I cared.  How intensely important these rules had become for me.

When I first started defying food rules, it was terrifying.  I felt like the floor had been ripped away from me and I was falling into nothingness.  The lack of control was agonizing.  There were a few that forced me to go into the bathroom prior and following just to talk myself into doing it, then to calm myself down afterwards.  But there was always one constant...the world didn't end.  I was fine.

Now, I love it.  It creates a high in me unlike anything I've ever experienced.  I used to have feelings of guilt about every single thing that passed through my mouth, and that doesn't happen anymore.  It is an act of defiance against Emily, and when I am able to define it as a victory, it feels glorious.  

Some things are way harder than others, and I am not breaking food rules left and right at every meal every day of the week.  Somewhere along the way these compulsions became ingrained into my psyche, and that is hard to break!  It is still extremely difficult for me to eat dessert with other people, especially early in the day.  I have yet to sit down with a bag of chips and not portion myself out an allotment on a plate.  But I have broken quite a few of the rules, and it never gets old.  Just yesterday I went with my friend Miriam to Dough in Tampa, to celebrate National Doughnut Day (a very important holiday).  It may seem silly that going to place for a random treat at a random time of day with a friend is a huge deal but, in my book, it's a victory.  I believe that food rules are a bad thing...something that is put in place by disordered thinking and can spiral out of control.  In my perfect world, there would be no food rules.  Because with no food rules, there is no guilt, and with no guilt there is no self loathing.  Only self love and acceptance. 

  

Peace, love, and doughnuts fah dayz.
<33

Florida's Finest

Some highlights from the past few days in the sunshine state!!

Music rehearsals, new friends, ukulele jam sessions, beach time, sunshine, barbecues, cards against humanity, and all of the fun.

So, so, so happy.

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