Eleven.

So, I obviously haven't been blogging much.  I could go through the whole rigmarole of being sorry and making excuses and talking about how I'm SOOOO busy, but here's the thing I've learned over these past 11 months: I can do whatever I want, and no one can stop me.  It's a good feeling.  A few weeks ago social media and blogging got to be a little too much, so I backed away.  It wasn't making me feel good, it was making me feel crazy, so I focused my writing on works of fiction and my time on living my life.  It's been nice.  I still will definitely blog, but I want to change the focus slightly.  I'll still talk about my recovery because it is such an intense part of who I am and an integral part of my story.  But this past month I have made many realizations and one important one was that I am not my disorder.  Near the middle of this month, I just decided to act like I was recovered.  Work from the outside in, instead of the other way around.  Easier said than done, obviously, but it's been extremely liberating. 

I'm not going to pretend like I've been having an easy time these past few days.  I feel like I'm being put through the ringer in terms of my depression, axiety, and insomnia.  And what's even more frustrating is it's all brain chemistry because for all intents and purposes, things are going great!!  I love my city, I love my friends, I love my job, and I'm so excited for so many things coming up!!  Just another reminder that no one chooses mental illness. And just another reminder that I'm a warrior who will get through this.  

Sooooo, it's September 1st!!  MY FAVORITE MONTH...and Happy 11 months to me!  That means a special post.  Here are 11 things I am grateful for, if you care to know:

1. My Mom.  I feel like I've just been a LOT lately.  Just a big ol' bundle of extreme emotions.  My Mom is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her.  She always picks up the phone and listens to me cry for no reason.  She always lets me complain about things.  She always texts me about books or recipes or kitties.  She cracks me up. She's just...THE BEST.

2. I'm feeling exceptionally grateful for my bestie for the restie, Robyn.  Yesterday, I called her bawling my eyes out and ended up laughing so hard I was crying.  I swear to God, we are the funniest people in the world.  It's hard being away from her, but I love her so much it's absurd. 

3. I can't express enough how happy I am that I chose to move here and like...be a person here in sunny St. Pete.  Every single day I'm reminded that it was the right decision. 

4. My siblings. 

5. My friends who hold me up and keep me going every single day:  I'm looking at you Jessica, Sarah, and Jan!! 

6. My St. Pete Family, my St. Pete bestie, and my Burnt Part Boys. 

7. Angela

8. New and exciting projects coming up.

9. My tiny home!!

10. Being a part of this incredible theatre community, and being able to do what I love. 

11. These past 11 months.  Every single one of them.  They've been hard.  There have been bad days.  But I'm pretty pumped about where I am now, compared to September 1st, 2013. 

<33 

Fear

The other day in treatment, my therapist asked me "what are you afraid of?"

It was interesting, because I wasn't prepared for the question or my immediate response.  As soon as she finished speaking, a week of holding in emotions started pouring out of me, in the form of unstoppable tears.  I think crying is really important, and I have never been afraid to cry, but for whatever reason I had been holding it in for the past few days when really I needed to let it out.  Because frankly, I was terrified.  I am terrified.

Recovery is a scary time.  Being in your twenties is a scary time.  Moving to a new city is a scary time.  Being an actor in between shows is a scary time.  And that really is the word I would describe how I'm generally feeling lately.  Scared.

What am I afraid of?
Failing.
Running out of money. 
Making bad choices. 
Being an adult. 
Not finding a job that allows me to live comfortably. 
Having to go back to Lexington for whatever reason.
My body changing.
Not being able to fit into clothes (hey, just being honest here).
Not being able to stop eating on extreme hunger days (loss of control is terrifying).
Being a hypocrite. 
My face filling out. 
Not feeling comfortable in my own skin.
Unhealthy thoughts. 
Losing my friends. 
Losing my family. 
Losing my voice. 

So like any sensible person who is feeling scared and unsure about the future, I signed a lease on an apartment.  I've always been a person that has to force herself out of fear.  No one can do it for me.  Oh, you're scared that you're going to be stuck in Lexington at home forever?  I guess I'll go sublet an apartment in New York for a few months!  Oh, you're terrified of becoming an adult?  I guess I'll move to St. Pete and get an apartment!  I often question my tactics but whatever, I'm just being me.

Looking at the list above is interesting, because I know a year ago how I would deal with every single one of those fears.  I would lose my appetite and restrict.  I would go to the gym to "let off some steam."  I would take 2 hour walks to "clear my head."  I would allow every sense to get wrapped in cotton wool and descend into my beloved brain buzz. Not feeling is sometimes quite nice.  It really is a high, and for a while you feel wonderfully intoxicated. But hiding from the things that scare you only make them scarier later on.  And now, the healthy part of my brain looks at that list and says "Duh, KT.  There's one thing that will make all of those things easier to deal with...not having an eating disorder."

I'm proud of myself for getting an apartment, and you better believe it's going to be the cutest apartment in the beautiful city of San Pedro.  I mean, look at the door!  I decided on this for my inspiration image and color palette:

And here are some more images from my apartment pinterest board (yep, I'm that person).  I seriously live for this kind of stuff.

The future is scary...but it's pretty exciting, if you ask me.