Everything's different, nothing has changed...

Every year I try to make some sort of post about the holidays, because I know how hard it can be to go to parties, see loved ones, and come home.  No matter who you are, the holiday season can be stressful.  There's an expectation of happiness and cheer and more often than not, it doesn't play out the way we want.  The holidays can be especially hard if you are struggling with food or body issues, and for me, December used to be my worst month.  For 5+ years, this time of year terrified me.  There are still some deeply ingrained, visceral moments of panic that I experience, even to this day, but luckily I am able to deal with them and realize they are irrational.  But it wasn't always that easy!!  

Having this perspective on the holiday season has been interesting to say the least.  Even before I was technically sick, this time of year was hard for me.  I lost my father when I was 12, and every Christmas after that was super tough.  My dad was such a big part of Christmas for me - dragging him out of his bed on Christmas morning, watching him intently as he opened his gift from me, staying in our PJ's all day.  Without him, nothing seemed right.  I would cry when I decorated the house because I knew no matter how hard I tried to perfectly place every ornament on the tree, nothing would be the same.  

I think that's a thing a lot of us suffer from this time of year - the high expectation and the rose colored memories of holidays past.  I know I always will.  That's a tough thing to let go of, and I think a lot of times that feeling bleeds over into how we treat ourselves and our bodies during this time of year.   So here are some more tips to get through this crazy time.  I know how hard it is.  

1. Traditions are cool, but they're not the most important part of the holiday.  As someone who literally has a disorder that makes me need to do things or else I'll have panic attacks (it's called OCD and it's somethin' else, people) I understand that this can be incredibly difficult to comprehend.  But, if you have to forgo some part of your holiday routine, you'll live.  Maybe you don't have the money to travel this year, or you don't have the time to bake cookies.  And that's okay!  Be kind to yourself.  It's a stressful time of year, and we can only do so much. 

2. Find a new thing to be excited for THIS year.  It might be Hanson's new Christmas CD or it might be new friends to celebrate with.  OR it might be a Christmas card exchange.  Travelling to a new place.  Decorating the house a different way.  It can be little or big, just so long as it brings you happiness.  Nothing will ever be the same as it was, because that is how life and time works.  So instead of bending over backwards to recreate a holiday that probably wasn't that perfect anyway, put your energy into finding new ways to cultivate joy. 

3. You DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE UP (or feel bad) FOR WHAT YOU ATE. I know I've given this tip before but it astounds me how every year I'll make some kind of post about this very thing, literally HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE will like/love/comment, and then those very same people are the ones making their own posts about feeling guilty about the cookies/drinks/whatever.  Food. and. guilt. don't. belong. in. the. same. sentence.  I don't care what you ate yesterday.  I DON'T CARE.  You're still a good person with good intentions and you're still my friend.  It's not a hard concept to grasp.  Look society in the face and put the cookie in your mouth and realize that you don't have to feel BAD ABOUT IT, JEEZ.  

4. If you need to take a break, that is okay!  If you're overwhelmed by everything going on, or your family is driving you crazy, or you're behind on shopping and feeling panicked, or you just feel bad thoughts creeping in, take a breather.  Use those healthy coping skills I suggested you develop and carve out an hour (just an hour!  you can still get everything done, I promise!)  to do some stretches, or work on your crocheting, or color in your adult coloring book, or play your ukulele.  

5. Share those beautiful gifts. Again, this is a repeat, but I think it's worth repeating.  Pick the thing the universe has given you that has nothing to do with your body or how you look or how much space you take up.  And it doesn't have to be some incredible talent, it can just be the fact that you can make people smile, or make someone feel good about themselves, or that you're a good listener.  Those are all amazing gifts.  You don't need to recreate anything that has happened before.  This moment is all we have, so use this moment to share your incredible capabilities with the world around you.  

I hope everyone has an amazing month!!  Be kind to yourselves, and remember...no one cares if you eat the cookie. 

Literally.  Not one single person.

I love you.

Peace, Love, and Rock n' Roll til New Years Night,

KT 

Through the Cracks

If you're reading this blog you probably know me at least a little bit and if you know me literally AT ALL you know that over the past three years, recovery and discovering self love has definitely become my #brand.  It's hilarious now looking back at my very first blog posts, where I would very vaguely hint at the fact that I was maybe taking time off to fix something about myself, when now I will talk about my recovery at the drop of a hat.  Even though I am incredibly candid about my journey and how far I have come, I try to make it very clear that I have bad days.  I have clinical depression.  I have OCD (and no, not the kind you think you joke about having).  These are all things that I have not recovered from, but I have become pretty good at managing them in my day to day life.

My depression has evolved over the past few years.  When I was still deeply entrenched in my disorder and during most of my recovery it was pretty classic sadness.  It was messy and tear filled.  It was hours spent in bed and crying over my reflection and mascara running down my face and snot in my throat.  It was calling my mom three times a day because I was just so sad and having breakdowns over virtually everything and everyone.  

Lately, it's a little different.  It's dry and apathetic.  It's going through the motions and vacant stares and disassociation and watching sad movies in an effort to feel anything at all.  I had a spell of this lately, and let me tell you, I think I might even prefer the mess of a girl from a few years ago compared to the zombie who sits in her room and can't get excited about almost anything.  It's just...kind of terrifying to be honest. 

I wish that the whole point of this post was to tell you how I get over these periods of time, these depression valleys I have to traverse every so often.  But, it's (unfortunately) not that easy. I have a huge list of coping mechanisms and tricks I use to make it more bearable, but sometimes it's just a stay in bed all day kind of day.  But if this crazy thing called life has taught me anything it is that there is always...always hope. I use "cracking" imagery a lot in my writing and when I talk about stuff.  I say that when I'm inspired to write, something cracks open and it rushes out of me.  I say that my disorder chipped away at me until I was full of cracks, and that recovery was about putting the pieces together.  Depression doesn't feel different to me.  I feel like no matter how bad I get, there is always a moment where it cracks.  There's no other way I know how to describe it.  Something cracks open and slowly the light seeps back in.  I know that when I'm in the thick of it, I feel like it will never end.  And you have to work hard and take care of yourself, but something will always crack the steely finish of your sadness.  Whether it's a song or your friend's laughter or a blue sky or the hope of spring.  The light will inevitably always find it's way back in.  

Peace, Love, and Burnt Part Boys references,
KT

Eleven.

So, I obviously haven't been blogging much.  I could go through the whole rigmarole of being sorry and making excuses and talking about how I'm SOOOO busy, but here's the thing I've learned over these past 11 months: I can do whatever I want, and no one can stop me.  It's a good feeling.  A few weeks ago social media and blogging got to be a little too much, so I backed away.  It wasn't making me feel good, it was making me feel crazy, so I focused my writing on works of fiction and my time on living my life.  It's been nice.  I still will definitely blog, but I want to change the focus slightly.  I'll still talk about my recovery because it is such an intense part of who I am and an integral part of my story.  But this past month I have made many realizations and one important one was that I am not my disorder.  Near the middle of this month, I just decided to act like I was recovered.  Work from the outside in, instead of the other way around.  Easier said than done, obviously, but it's been extremely liberating. 

I'm not going to pretend like I've been having an easy time these past few days.  I feel like I'm being put through the ringer in terms of my depression, axiety, and insomnia.  And what's even more frustrating is it's all brain chemistry because for all intents and purposes, things are going great!!  I love my city, I love my friends, I love my job, and I'm so excited for so many things coming up!!  Just another reminder that no one chooses mental illness. And just another reminder that I'm a warrior who will get through this.  

Sooooo, it's September 1st!!  MY FAVORITE MONTH...and Happy 11 months to me!  That means a special post.  Here are 11 things I am grateful for, if you care to know:

1. My Mom.  I feel like I've just been a LOT lately.  Just a big ol' bundle of extreme emotions.  My Mom is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her.  She always picks up the phone and listens to me cry for no reason.  She always lets me complain about things.  She always texts me about books or recipes or kitties.  She cracks me up. She's just...THE BEST.

2. I'm feeling exceptionally grateful for my bestie for the restie, Robyn.  Yesterday, I called her bawling my eyes out and ended up laughing so hard I was crying.  I swear to God, we are the funniest people in the world.  It's hard being away from her, but I love her so much it's absurd. 

3. I can't express enough how happy I am that I chose to move here and like...be a person here in sunny St. Pete.  Every single day I'm reminded that it was the right decision. 

4. My siblings. 

5. My friends who hold me up and keep me going every single day:  I'm looking at you Jessica, Sarah, and Jan!! 

6. My St. Pete Family, my St. Pete bestie, and my Burnt Part Boys. 

7. Angela

8. New and exciting projects coming up.

9. My tiny home!!

10. Being a part of this incredible theatre community, and being able to do what I love. 

11. These past 11 months.  Every single one of them.  They've been hard.  There have been bad days.  But I'm pretty pumped about where I am now, compared to September 1st, 2013. 

<33 

Sadness Burritos - Happiness Muffins

I have gotten so many fantastic ideas for blog posts, and I definitely will try to get to all of them eventually.  You all are so creative and inquisitive...which makes me extremely happy!  There were a few suggestions that, honestly, will take some time to write simply because they will be difficult and personal.  For example, my dear friend Daniel suggested I write a post detailing my breaking point - the moment I decided to really start in on recovery and say goodbye to my disorder.  That is something that will be very cathartic and probably very helpful, but will take some time.

For now, I'm going to do a post that I have gotten multiple requests for!!  That is, my handy dandy checklist I mentioned in this post . I call it "Sadness Burritos --> Happiness Muffins."  It is a list I created in treatment that I can turn to when I am feeling depressed, anxious, or just generally unhealthy.  Oddly enough, I am left brain dominant (I'm pretty even, but I tend to slightly favor my left brain) and I LOVE LISTS.  I LOVE SCHEDULES.  I LOVE PLANS.  So just having the list in front of me and being able to put a check mark in the box next to a given activity gives me a thrill.  I am an achiever and I love feeling like I have accomplished something.  It also gives me motivation on depressive days where I feel like I have none.  By the time I muster enough emotional strength to do one thing on the checklist, I am able to get on a roll and become a functioning member of society again!!  

Let's turn those SADNESS BURRITOS into HAPPINESS MUFFINS (in 8 easy steps)! 

These are the things on my checklist.  A lot of people in the world would NOT find joy in scrubbing a sink.  To each his own.  

Make Music (sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, hopeless, lonely)

*extreme- Belt your FACE OFF!

Music is my drug of choice.  When I'm anxious, sad, angry, or feel like a piece of poo, I can sing and play Angela and everything else falls away (that sounds very Natalie from N2N of me...). But seriously!  When I'm feeling exceptionally emotional or angry, I go into the shower and just belt my face off.  I don't care what it sounds like, or if I crack, or if I'm basically yelling "Astonishing" at the top of my lungs.  CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS!! 

Go Outside (sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, hopeless)

Do a Yoga Practice (sad, hopeless)

Honestly, if I'm feeling more angry or frustrated and less sad, this doesn't help me as much. But generally speaking, yoga is one of my favorite things in life.  You never feel bad after a yoga practice!  

Work on an Art Project (sad, frustrated, hopeless, lonely)

You get bonus points for this one if you do an art project for a friend!  The only thing I love more than making art is giving it away!  

Clean (anxious, angry, frustrated)

*extreme - Find a sink and SCRUB IT

This one is good if you're feeling anxious and have a lot of pent-up energy.  Don't take it out on your loved one, take it out on the GERMS!!

Read a Comfort Book (sad, hopeless, lonely)

*extreme - Unicorns of Balinor or The Marvelous Land of Oz (Childhood comfort books)

Everyone knows how much I love reading, and sometimes you just have to escape to your favorite childhood fantasy worlds (yes, my mom is shipping me my Unicorns of Balinor books and no, I couldn't be more excited). 

Write it out (sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, hopeless, lonely)

Journal, blog, write poetry, write a letter to a friend, anything!  Just get it out on paper! 

Spend Time With Friends (sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, hopeless, lonely)

I start and end my list with my main 2: Music and People!!  You will never regret going out and having a good time with friends.  You will, however, regret staying in and stewing in your own depression. 

Now, don't you feel better? 

Make your own checklist and see how it helps you.  One thing that tends to happen with depression is the feeling that self-care is a waste of time and unproductive.  WRONG!!  It is actually the most productive thing you can do for yourself.  Sometimes, you have to put everything else on hold and read a fantasy novel, OKAY?!  This is a valid use of your time, and if you need outside validation, please let me know what you come up with for your list and what you are able to accomplish.  I would love to cheer you on and tell you you're doing a good job. Now let's feast on some happiness muffins! 

Summertime Sadness

It's definitely summer out there. I have taken to just wearing my bathing suit around the house.  I watched dolphins swimming in the ocean last night for a good hour (as someone who was born land locked, that will NEVER get old.  DOLPHINS. RIGHT THERE). I absolutely have to take a shower every day because well...it's really hot.  

Unfortunately, depression doesn't care if you live in the sunshine state.  Depression doesn't care if you can walk down the street and instantly be on the beach.  Depression doesn't care if you have a loving family and amazing friends.  Sometimes it just finds your insecurities ("the show is over...now what...I need to find an apartment...I ate too much at dinner...I miss my friends...what am I even doing right now...I'm tired but I should be productive....WHY AM I CRYING?!") and attack.  

The important thing to remember in those moments when you feel like you don't "deserve" to be depressed is that there is nothing wrong with being depressed.  It is a real chemical imbalance in your brain and sometimes you just can't help it.  The past few days have been a little rough for me personally, but luckily I have some pretty awesome people and tactics  to get me through the bad days.  Early on in recovery I even made a checklist called "Sadness Burritos --> Happiness Muffins" because sometimes just the act of checking off all of the things on the checklist pulls me out of my funk. 

The two biggest things that help me whenever I feel the depression cloud are MUSIC and PEOPLE. I've talked about it on the blog before, but when I was at my lowest of lows, Angela my ukulele really pulled me up and out of the hole I had dug myself into. She became my "tangible object" and to this day whenever I am having bad thoughts, or want to use bad behaviors, or just generally anxious, I can strum a few chords and the world simply gets better.  She replaced restriction as my number one coping mechanism, so I'm not exaggerating when I say she saved my life. 

The other thing is people.  Friends...new friends, old friends, strangers on the beach, the group of old men at Starbucks who sit at the table next to me every day, a phone call from my best friend, a Facebook chat with my sister...it doesn't matter.  I just can NOT isolate myself.  Depression thrives in isolation, which is annoying because of course when we are sad that is exactly what we want to do...shut ourselves off. After lots of self examination in therapy, I have learned that connections with people are what I truly crave.  I am not the introvert I thought I was for 4 years. 

Even if you don't struggle with depression, I think it is important for everyone to find their one or two things that help whenever they are feeling down.  All feelings are valid and real and should be dealt with.  There is nothing wrong with being sad.  NOTHING.  There is no use covering up bad feelings and pretending to be the happiest person in the world...trust me.  I've been there, I've done that, and it doesn't work. Allow yourself to feel the bad feelings, to go through some summertime sadness, but make sure to have ways to pull yourself out of it so the world can see your smiling face once again.  

Bad Thoughts, Be Gone!!

As everyone has been able to see by my shiny new Instagram, life is pretty good these days.  I am in the middle of a show that I could do for the rest of my life and be perfectly content.  My mom (who also happens to be the best person in the world) came to visit me last week and we had a blast.  I've been making lots of recovery wins, and it's been weeks since my last panic attack.  And yet, bad thoughts decided that yesterday would be a great time to start swirling around my head.  Emily was trying her best to bring me down...little did she know that I now have an arsenal of tactics to battle that pesky negative self talk.  I know that everyone has their demons that bring you down when you least expect it...so I would like to share my strategies, and hopefully they will be able to help YOU whenever you are feeling down.  Because bad thoughts are...

1. Talk back - This is the number one strategy that also seems too simple to be a solution.  But I promise, once you start doing it, it changes everything!  You're going to feel extremely silly at first, but once you make this a habit, you are going to wonder how you ever let the negative self talk run in your head without talking back.  You would never let someone talk to another human being like that without saying something, would you?  As corny as it is, go into the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell your bad thoughts NO.  You don't have time for them today, this week, this month, EVER.  You have too many important things to do and you can't have the bad thoughts compromise you in any way!  You are worth so much more than that! 

2. Identify the trigger - There were a few things yesterday that could have sent me into a relapse only a few months ago, but I have gotten pretty good at taking myself out of the situation and objectively figuring out why I feel triggered and why I want to revert back to bad or unhealthy behaviors.  There were people putting unneeded pressure on me, I was wearing a new outfit that showed off my body, and I probably hadn't eaten enough (*Recovery hack: when you feel like you want/need to restrict, you actually need to eat.  The brain chemistry gets thrown off with restriction so you crave it more the hungrier you get.  It's so messed up). After you lay out these things for yourself as FACTS, you realize how silly they are and how easy they will be to overcome.  

3. Surround yourself with people you love - Luckily this is very easy for me to do these days, but I can't stress how important this is for anyone going through a rough day.  You are totally going to want to isolate yourself, but try not to!  You don't have to go out to Georgie's for LIT Thursday (although I highly recommend it), but even something as simple as going out to get a cup of coffee with a friend or calling a relative can totally turn your day around. I could have very easily finished the show last night, gone home, dicked around on Tumblr for a few hours, and gone to bed still in a sour mood.  But instead, I decided to live my life with the people that make me happiest.  Smart decisions. 

4. Find what you love doing most in the world....AND DO IT - It doesn't matter what it is.  You love snuggling up with your kitty and reading a trashy novel?  Sounds lovely!  You love kickboxing until your knuckles bleed?  Sounds cathartic!  You love watching movies, or baking brownies, or organizing all the files in your house, or dancing at a club, or kayaking, or belting your face off?!  YASSSS!!!  I don't care what it is, just figure out how to do whatever you love doing MOST. Do what makes you the happiest version of yourself there is.  Do something that no one can tell you you're bad at.  Once again, I am so incredibly lucky to be able to do what I love most in the entire world for a living.  You better believe Frances was feeling FEISTY last night! 

5. Ask for help - This might be the most important thing I have learned in my journey to 100% KT Berger.  No one is ever going to feel better stewing in their own bad thoughts without a little help from their friends (cue Beatles music).  If you're anything like me, at first you are going to feel like a burden, but you will be surprised how much the people around you want to help.  I was feeling the love so intensely last night after simply putting out in the universe that Emily was getting to me and I could use some support.  Before the show after I told everyone "I will hold you up" (a tradition I learned from The Commonweal <33) I asked them to hold me up because I was in a bad place mentally.  I've never felt more taken care of.  And I want everyone reading this to know that I will hold you up WHENEVER you need it.  You don't even have to ask.  But if you are struggling with negative thoughts...please let me know.  Please ask for help.  It is so worth it to feel the positive vibes streaming your way.  

We all have demons, we all have an "Emily", we all have a Burnt Part.  It doesn't matter what form they take...we can help each other through them. <33

Tummy Troubles.

Happy June!  I, for one, cannot believe it is already June 1st...I also can't believe that we open in less than 2 weeks (cast members, let's all just take a deep breath together).  I am having a blast here in Florida rehearsing for The Burnt Part Boys, and Frances is quickly becoming my favorite role I've ever played.

Pretty much everything about my first full week in rehearsal has been perfect except for one tiny thing...tummy troubles.  I'm gonna give you the option to STOP READING this post NOW if talk of gastrointestinal distress, bloating, and bowel movements freaks you out in anyway.  Just...click that handy little X.  BUT, I for one would be in much worse state of mind if there weren't people in the online recovery community who were annoyingly open and honest in sharing their experiences with recovery bloat and compromised digestive systems.  I would probably think I was dying...hell, I DID think I was dying last September when I was going through a particularly bad period of stomach stress.

SO - here it is.  While recovering from an ED, you're digestive system is absolutely going to freak out. You have been treating it very badly with whatever behaviors you used (restriction, bingeing, purging, etc.) and therefore, it is extremely compromised.  With anorexia, you have to be very careful in the refeeding process, or else you can experience what is known as "refeeding syndrome" which can have fatal effects.  No matter what though, you are going to experience recovery bloat. You are going to experience bouts of constipation (sometimes lasting for longer than a week...it's disgusting and uncomfortable) followed by bouts of diarrhea.  You just are.  It's going to suck. It's going to make you cry.  You're going to feel like you are a giant balloon animal.  You are going to hate it...but you have to go through it in order for your system to normalize.  You're entire digestive tract is trying desperately to relearn everything.

As someone who had a delicate system before she made it even more delicate (I'M AWESOME!), I have come up with lots of ways to make myself feel better when I feel like a blimp and what to cut a hole in my stomach for easier drainage purposes:
1. Drink, drink, DRINK.  The more water the better. Your stomach will feel like it's swimming, but it helps move things along.  Drink at least 3 times the amount you normally do.
2. KEEP EATING EVERY MEAL.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT restrict. It seems counter intuitive and it will be the last thing you want to do, but trust me. If you restrict, your body will think it's preparing for famine and therefore will hold on to any food you put in for dear life. Make sure to get plenty of healthy fats and oils, as this will make things easier to pass.  I find that it's better to eat dense food with less volume...that way you get the calories but not as much bloat (think nut butters, avocados, etc).
3. Take short, light walks.  Nothing too strenuous, just to keep things moving.
4. Wear baggy, comfortable clothes that feel good on the belly.  No tights or close fitting shirts...not trying to be a hero here, folks.
5. Try to stay away from pictures or body checking.  Do NOT weigh yourself.
6. Deep, juicy, yoga stretches.  This can help movement and just make you feel good!
7. Try to focus on other things.  This will be hard, but I believe in you.
8. If the issue persists, PLEASE go see a doctor.

You are going to be fine.  And just think, if you keep on truckin' with recovery, soon your system will work itself out and find a healthy balance.  This too shall pass....literally.

<33

It's These Oblivious Blues...

Hey pretty people.  Sometimes I feel silly writing things like my "100 reasons to recover" or my ~inspirational poetry~ because I am in the throes of recovery just like the people I am trying to help with these posts.  I am going through it.  I have not overcome it.  Every single day is a battle. Before I really get started discussing things I want to say that I am NOT in ANY WAY fishing for compliments with this post.  These are just my thoughts and feelings and I want to put them out there to let people know that they are not alone if they are having bad days.

The other day was particularly bad.  If you've never dealt with depression, it's very hard to comprehend.  I highly recommend reading "Hyperbole and a Half" (not only the blog, but the book) to get a better grasp on going through depression in this day and age.  It explains it incredibly well and with plenty of humor.  I read the book in one sitting (on the floor of the 82nd St. Barnes and Noble in Manhattan after a particularly harrowing therapy session on a cold winter's night.  Nothing like it getting dark at 5pm in NYC to bring out all the sadness burritos).  It strangely made me feel a lot better, just because I knew that I wasn't alone.  There was at least one person out there who was feeling things similar to how I was feeling, and since she was able to get a book published about it, odds were that there were a slew of other people having those feelings too!

Due to recovery, my brain chemistry is all whack-a-doodle right now.  If anyone out there in the universe really believes that eating disorders are NOT mental disorders, they can just come play with me for a week and then reevaluate their life decisions.  It's so frustrating and so hard to constantly be trying to rise above the feelings of self-loathing and hatred that cloud my vision day in and day out.  You're probably thinking "But KT, you never seemed like that to me!!" Awesome!  That is because the self-loathing manifested itself in a different way (I...starved myself. So. There's that). Self-love is a thing I am working on with every ounce of strength I can muster, and the other day I just couldn't do it.  Feelings of worthlessness were keeping me glued to my bed, and I was pretty positive that everything would just be better if I disappeared completely. I didn't have motivation to do anything. I know now that that was Emily talking (Emily is the name I gave my disorder, for those of you who don't know), but boy was she loud.  It was like there was a running track of her just repeating the word "worthless, worthless, worthless" in my ear.  That, my friends, is exhausting.

As I was spiraling into oblivion, I heard the "doo-doo" of a facebook notification.  It was my friend Matt commenting on the private group I created in 2011 for my beautiful, amazing cast of "Spring Awakening" that I directed my senior year of college.  Of course we are all still in the group (as Andy put it "WHY ARE WE ALL STILL IN THIS GROUP? *stays in group*") , and of course I scrolled through all the past posts, and then the pictures, and I realized that if I hadn't been around, this amazing experience would never have happened for those 13 other people who are still in that group.  I did it. It was my baby, and it is still the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.

So of course, the moral of the story is that none of us are worthless.  It may seem like I have learned my lesson.  That I'm going to go outside and do some paddle turns in the streets because life is looking up!!  That's not really how it works, though.  Just know that sometimes getting out of bed is a huge triumph.  That looking out the window is enough to justify a nap. That you deserve to cry, you deserve to rest, and you definitely deserve to eat.  No matter what, you are worthy.  There's a lot that has happened in this world because you exist.

<33

Little Joys, Little Victories

HELLOOOOO!! Wow I have not blogged in a while.  This is because my laptop died (RIP) and when it comes to spending money I love to put things off until I can't live without whatever it is I need to spend money on.  It's one of my special skills (which also include devil sticks, whistle tones, and reading all of the books). Anyway, even though I haven't been updating my blog, I have had a fantastic couple of weeks!  And really, nothing that exciting has happened - but my life has been so full of little moments of happiness and tiny recovery triumphs that when I look at them all together, it's pretty overwhelming.

If you had told me earlier in my life that I would suffer from depression, I probably would have replied "Excuse me don't you know WHO I AM?!" I made it a point to have positivity streaming out of every orifice, and when it didn't feel natural, I did it anyway!! The sun will come out tomorrow so help me God, and if it doesn't, I will build a sun lamp. Little did I know that a short way down the road I would be the girl laying on her floor, looking up at the ceiling, and crying because she can't stop crying.  Or having an anxiety attack because she's pretty sure her face has swollen 3 times it's natural size over night. But, that's where we find ourselves sometimes.  Desperately hoping for some amazing thing to happen and to break us out of the sadness burrito we have found ourselves wrapped in.  At least, that's what I kept praying for.  But then all of the little things started adding up, fueling my fire, and making feel well...like a motherfucking WARRIOR.

Here are a few examples.  Alone..."oh cool, KT I'm glad you had a good day but why are you belting?"  Together...EVERYTHING IS AWESOME.

I made a total life upgrade by purchasing this adorable backpack and carrying it instead of a purse.  My sister has had one for a while, and I finally decided to make the switch.  Um...MY LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE.

I got to see one of my very favorite people, Nicole!!  We go way back to the Summer of Love - LCT 2003.  Since then we have gone to high school together, obsessed over the same people, and lived together in New York.  Oh and I won a bucket so...I'm set.

I feel like I've made HUMONGOUS strides in my recovery process, and each day I become more and more passionate about my journey and helping others who are also struggling.  It's really overwhelming to feel this deeply about something.  This past week I feel like EH finally hit me harder than I've ever experienced (that's Extreme Hunger - what happens when the body's hunger cues finally start lining up, metabolism kicks in, and all of a sudden...NOM NOM NOM GIVE ME ALL THE FOOD), and although I thought that EH would scare the shit out of me, it was actually fun and liberating.  I'm so proud of myself.

 

I celebrated a glorious Easter Sunday with my family (minus Andy, but I'll see him SO SOON).  It was relaxing after kicking it into over drive in church world to just prepare a delicious meal, enjoy the sunshine, have good conversation, and share a pie moment (rhubarb, what else).  Another victory - first holiday without a panic attack and absolutely NO Emily in sight.  Self five!

I've been reading some really great books including "Secrets and Wives" which is about my favorite subject of all time - MORMON POLYGAMY!

Laine and I took a mini road trip to NKU to see Spamalot!  On the way, we had fantastic conversation and iced coffee (what more do you need in life?!). While there, we met up with Hannah for drinks before hand, saw friends at the show, and stopped by Brandon's apartment to say hi.  I can't even explain how good it was to see everyone and to see an amazing production!  I am so proud to be an NKU theatre alum.

Mom and I made some delicious home made pizza, Veg-Bergers style.

It is warm and I have been spending lots of time outside in the sunshine. Happy KT.

I've had countless phone conversations with people I love.

I started a new journal.

I'm almost done with season 3 of "McLeod's Daughters."

Daryl Harris came to me in a dream.

Less than a month until Florida.

Everything is going to be OK.