Eleven.

So, I obviously haven't been blogging much.  I could go through the whole rigmarole of being sorry and making excuses and talking about how I'm SOOOO busy, but here's the thing I've learned over these past 11 months: I can do whatever I want, and no one can stop me.  It's a good feeling.  A few weeks ago social media and blogging got to be a little too much, so I backed away.  It wasn't making me feel good, it was making me feel crazy, so I focused my writing on works of fiction and my time on living my life.  It's been nice.  I still will definitely blog, but I want to change the focus slightly.  I'll still talk about my recovery because it is such an intense part of who I am and an integral part of my story.  But this past month I have made many realizations and one important one was that I am not my disorder.  Near the middle of this month, I just decided to act like I was recovered.  Work from the outside in, instead of the other way around.  Easier said than done, obviously, but it's been extremely liberating. 

I'm not going to pretend like I've been having an easy time these past few days.  I feel like I'm being put through the ringer in terms of my depression, axiety, and insomnia.  And what's even more frustrating is it's all brain chemistry because for all intents and purposes, things are going great!!  I love my city, I love my friends, I love my job, and I'm so excited for so many things coming up!!  Just another reminder that no one chooses mental illness. And just another reminder that I'm a warrior who will get through this.  

Sooooo, it's September 1st!!  MY FAVORITE MONTH...and Happy 11 months to me!  That means a special post.  Here are 11 things I am grateful for, if you care to know:

1. My Mom.  I feel like I've just been a LOT lately.  Just a big ol' bundle of extreme emotions.  My Mom is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her.  She always picks up the phone and listens to me cry for no reason.  She always lets me complain about things.  She always texts me about books or recipes or kitties.  She cracks me up. She's just...THE BEST.

2. I'm feeling exceptionally grateful for my bestie for the restie, Robyn.  Yesterday, I called her bawling my eyes out and ended up laughing so hard I was crying.  I swear to God, we are the funniest people in the world.  It's hard being away from her, but I love her so much it's absurd. 

3. I can't express enough how happy I am that I chose to move here and like...be a person here in sunny St. Pete.  Every single day I'm reminded that it was the right decision. 

4. My siblings. 

5. My friends who hold me up and keep me going every single day:  I'm looking at you Jessica, Sarah, and Jan!! 

6. My St. Pete Family, my St. Pete bestie, and my Burnt Part Boys. 

7. Angela

8. New and exciting projects coming up.

9. My tiny home!!

10. Being a part of this incredible theatre community, and being able to do what I love. 

11. These past 11 months.  Every single one of them.  They've been hard.  There have been bad days.  But I'm pretty pumped about where I am now, compared to September 1st, 2013. 

<33 

Fear

The other day in treatment, my therapist asked me "what are you afraid of?"

It was interesting, because I wasn't prepared for the question or my immediate response.  As soon as she finished speaking, a week of holding in emotions started pouring out of me, in the form of unstoppable tears.  I think crying is really important, and I have never been afraid to cry, but for whatever reason I had been holding it in for the past few days when really I needed to let it out.  Because frankly, I was terrified.  I am terrified.

Recovery is a scary time.  Being in your twenties is a scary time.  Moving to a new city is a scary time.  Being an actor in between shows is a scary time.  And that really is the word I would describe how I'm generally feeling lately.  Scared.

What am I afraid of?
Failing.
Running out of money. 
Making bad choices. 
Being an adult. 
Not finding a job that allows me to live comfortably. 
Having to go back to Lexington for whatever reason.
My body changing.
Not being able to fit into clothes (hey, just being honest here).
Not being able to stop eating on extreme hunger days (loss of control is terrifying).
Being a hypocrite. 
My face filling out. 
Not feeling comfortable in my own skin.
Unhealthy thoughts. 
Losing my friends. 
Losing my family. 
Losing my voice. 

So like any sensible person who is feeling scared and unsure about the future, I signed a lease on an apartment.  I've always been a person that has to force herself out of fear.  No one can do it for me.  Oh, you're scared that you're going to be stuck in Lexington at home forever?  I guess I'll go sublet an apartment in New York for a few months!  Oh, you're terrified of becoming an adult?  I guess I'll move to St. Pete and get an apartment!  I often question my tactics but whatever, I'm just being me.

Looking at the list above is interesting, because I know a year ago how I would deal with every single one of those fears.  I would lose my appetite and restrict.  I would go to the gym to "let off some steam."  I would take 2 hour walks to "clear my head."  I would allow every sense to get wrapped in cotton wool and descend into my beloved brain buzz. Not feeling is sometimes quite nice.  It really is a high, and for a while you feel wonderfully intoxicated. But hiding from the things that scare you only make them scarier later on.  And now, the healthy part of my brain looks at that list and says "Duh, KT.  There's one thing that will make all of those things easier to deal with...not having an eating disorder."

I'm proud of myself for getting an apartment, and you better believe it's going to be the cutest apartment in the beautiful city of San Pedro.  I mean, look at the door!  I decided on this for my inspiration image and color palette:

And here are some more images from my apartment pinterest board (yep, I'm that person).  I seriously live for this kind of stuff.

The future is scary...but it's pretty exciting, if you ask me.

So, You Wanna Restrict...

After deciding to really and truly fight my disorder on October 1st, 2013, I have had my fair share of relapse moments.  I've had countless days lost to doubt, numerous times where I've thought "just this once...", and a myriad of bad or unhealthy thoughts traipse through my head.  I would say I have had two MAJOR, full fledged relapses: one right around new years day and another in early April after I was wrongfully fired from my dinky little Lexington job. Both of those times were definitely just...THE WORST, so you would THINK I would learn my lesson.  Unfortunately, mental health doesn't really work like that.  So after my April relapse, with the help of my therapist, I composed a letter to myself that I can read whenever I feel the pull of my disorder.  I still look at it, and it really helps me to ground myself in reality and realize my thoughts are irrational and unhealthy.  While it still is a tool I use, it is quite astounding to read it now and realize how far I have come.  It's full of tough love and real talk because sometimes, that's what you need. I hope that it can help you, too. 

Dear KT,

So...you want to restrict.  That's cute.  Here is what I have learned during my periods of relapse when I have strayed a bit too close to the edge...or just fallen off the cliff completely.

You just love flirting with danger.  There's something so tantalizing about using bad or destructive behaviors. Telling yourself just this once.  It's never just once.  EVER. When you don't eat your minimums, you usually sleep pretty badly.  Use your brain, girl.  You're hungry.  You're not sleeping as well as you used to because your body is healing itself and wants you to fuel it properly.  Just...go get dessert, weirdo.

The less you fuel yourself, the more obsessive thoughts you will have.  Haven't you noticed that on days you've had a little less or done a little more you find yourself wanting to look at food blogs?  That you find yourself planning meals and times and portions for the coming days, and you start getting anxious if someone suggests a deviation from the plan?  Again...use your brain.  When you are hungry/restricting you are a PAIN to be around.  You are so impatient and so sassy.  I honestly have no time for that. And neither does anyone else.

The anxious thoughts send you into a manic mindset, which inevitably leads to a depressive state. I don't know which version of you is more obnoxious.  Just...don't. Because bad behaviors are bad behaviors.  While I thought weighing myself at home (as opposed to the doctor or nutritionist for a weekly weigh in) just to help me "get over it" was a great idea...SHOCKER, it was not.  You realize your capacity for obsessive behaviors right?  You have OCD.  You let it spiral out of control until you were weighing yourself numerous times throughout the day, something you had never done before.  Don't let that happen again.  It was excessive and ridiculous.

I repeat bad behaviors are bad behaviors.  So you don't poop for a day...don't you DARE freak out on me because I can't have you fucking up my system more than you already have.  Don't do anything stupid. If your stomach hurts in that specific way (you know what I'm talking about) you're fucking hungry so go get a snack and gulp down some water please for the love of GOD. And another thing: restricting makes you incredibly indecisive and whiny.  If you can't choose whether you "should" eat or not and you're getting emotional about it...you need to eat.  That's just a hunger cue manifesting itself in a weird, annoying way.  Restricting will also inevitably make you feel like everyone who even mentions food is trying to attack you which actually...makes no fucking sense.

I know it feels counterproductive because somewhere along the line in your 23 years of existence you became obsessed with needing/having/wanting less, but punching Emily in the throat really does feel good and makes you feel like a recovery warrior.  Restricting just makes you tired. The more you give into bad behaviors, the worse Emily makes you feel about every aspect of yourself.  That's STUPID.  The more you love and care for yourself the better you feel.  That's SMART.

So, future me.  I hope this letter from KT who just got done relapsing and never wants to deal with it ever again has smacked some sense into your brain.  You're really smart, you Summa Cum Laude graduate, you.  Let's use that beautiful brain!  You can do this.  You are addicted to control, but you know what?  Taking control of this healing process is a high unlike any brain buzz Emily ever allowed me.  I just want you to remember that because if you're referencing this, I'm guessing you're feeling pretty low and vulnerable.  Take a moment to breathe deeply, cry if you need to, and remember...RELAPSES END BADLY 100% OF THE TIME. 

It is not worth it. Ever. 

I am so proud of you....now go eat a brownie. 
Love, KT.

What Recovery has Taught Me

When I look at the calendar these days, I can hardly believe how fast time is flying.  I have always had a problem with living in the moment.  It's something I try so hard to do and yet I find myself constantly thinking about happy past times and making up stories about my future.  Lately though, I have been much better about it.  I have learned that this moment is all I have.  That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 9 months.  I have been overwhelmingly grateful and amazed at how much recovery has changed my life, and seeing as tomorrow will mark 9 months since my Mom made me come into her room, sit down on her bed, and admit to her and myself that I had an eating disorder and that I would take measures to eradicate it from my life, I would like to share with you what this process has taught me so far: 

- Recovery is the hardest thing you will ever do.  It is also the most wonderful thing you will ever do. Once when I was going through a particularly bad day, I remember my beautiful friend Jan telling me that treatment is like digging for gold.  You will find those amazing nuggets of beauty, and it will be worth it, but you have to go through some pretty awful mud, and dirt, and animal shit in order to find them.

- You will feel worse before you feel better. I can't stress this enough.  You won't believe me when you are at your lowest lows...I definitely didn't.  I spent months believing that all that was happening was I was getting worse and nothing would ever be good again. But right now I have honestly never been happier.  So there's that.

- There are people in your life that are going to be triggers. They can't help it.  You can't help it.  Accept it, don't stress out about it, remove them from your life, and move on.  We can't all be best friends all the time.  That's just life.

- Recovery takes way longer than you'll want it to.  On October 1st, 2013 I was thinking maybe a few months and I'd be in the clear.  HAHAHAHA.  Hilarious.  It has been 9 intense months of trying to figure out who I am without my disorder and I can say honestly that I am not finished yet.  I am not fully recovered and I have do doubt that it will take at least a year.  But you better believe I am on my way to full recovery and I will settle for nothing less.

- It is important to celebrate every single victory. Once you accept that (for example) having an ice cream cone in broad daylight with people all around you is something to be proud of, you have the power to be proud of yourself LITERALLY ALL THE TIME. It's amazing.

- Surround yourself with the people that support you and make you feel like the happiest, truest, version of yourself possible.  And if you can, be in a show with all guys who are amazing human beings, true gentlemen, who don't give a CRAP what you do, what you eat, or how you look. If that's not possible, keep your friends close.  Let the people who love you hold you up, and hold up the people around you in return. Just do me a favor and don't isolate yourself...Emily thrives in isolation! 

- When you're having a good body image day, just take a picture.  Loving how you look is a victory!  Celebrate it, even if it's just for your own purpose.  People post all sorts of pictures when they're falling in love.  So what, you're falling in love with yourself?? And let's be real, in this day and age, no one is going to judge you for posting a bathroom selfie.

- As much as it's not about food...it is about food. In order to heal you must eat every meal. It's corny and rhymes but it's the MOST true thing. You're not going to make any progress if you decide to fall back on to bad habits "just once." 

When I was at the height of my ED, at my lowest weight, and putting on a happy face for the world, I felt like a perfect china doll.  A delicate, precious little waif.  I kept my porcelain body on a shelf and kept a smile on my face.  Here's the thing though...china dolls break.  Porcelain shatters.  

Now I feel like a warrior.  A woman who is falling deeply in love with herself.  Someone who is on their way to full and total recovery...who will not settle for anything less.  Someone who is leading a revolution of self worth.  Building an empire of acceptance.  I believe with my whole heart that we are all in it together.  I don't think I can change society.  But I think I can make it a little bit brighter for the people around me.  Because life is too short.  9 months pass in a blink of an eye. 

RECOVERY IS REAL. RECOVERY IS WORTH IT.