Eleven.

So, I obviously haven't been blogging much.  I could go through the whole rigmarole of being sorry and making excuses and talking about how I'm SOOOO busy, but here's the thing I've learned over these past 11 months: I can do whatever I want, and no one can stop me.  It's a good feeling.  A few weeks ago social media and blogging got to be a little too much, so I backed away.  It wasn't making me feel good, it was making me feel crazy, so I focused my writing on works of fiction and my time on living my life.  It's been nice.  I still will definitely blog, but I want to change the focus slightly.  I'll still talk about my recovery because it is such an intense part of who I am and an integral part of my story.  But this past month I have made many realizations and one important one was that I am not my disorder.  Near the middle of this month, I just decided to act like I was recovered.  Work from the outside in, instead of the other way around.  Easier said than done, obviously, but it's been extremely liberating. 

I'm not going to pretend like I've been having an easy time these past few days.  I feel like I'm being put through the ringer in terms of my depression, axiety, and insomnia.  And what's even more frustrating is it's all brain chemistry because for all intents and purposes, things are going great!!  I love my city, I love my friends, I love my job, and I'm so excited for so many things coming up!!  Just another reminder that no one chooses mental illness. And just another reminder that I'm a warrior who will get through this.  

Sooooo, it's September 1st!!  MY FAVORITE MONTH...and Happy 11 months to me!  That means a special post.  Here are 11 things I am grateful for, if you care to know:

1. My Mom.  I feel like I've just been a LOT lately.  Just a big ol' bundle of extreme emotions.  My Mom is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her.  She always picks up the phone and listens to me cry for no reason.  She always lets me complain about things.  She always texts me about books or recipes or kitties.  She cracks me up. She's just...THE BEST.

2. I'm feeling exceptionally grateful for my bestie for the restie, Robyn.  Yesterday, I called her bawling my eyes out and ended up laughing so hard I was crying.  I swear to God, we are the funniest people in the world.  It's hard being away from her, but I love her so much it's absurd. 

3. I can't express enough how happy I am that I chose to move here and like...be a person here in sunny St. Pete.  Every single day I'm reminded that it was the right decision. 

4. My siblings. 

5. My friends who hold me up and keep me going every single day:  I'm looking at you Jessica, Sarah, and Jan!! 

6. My St. Pete Family, my St. Pete bestie, and my Burnt Part Boys. 

7. Angela

8. New and exciting projects coming up.

9. My tiny home!!

10. Being a part of this incredible theatre community, and being able to do what I love. 

11. These past 11 months.  Every single one of them.  They've been hard.  There have been bad days.  But I'm pretty pumped about where I am now, compared to September 1st, 2013. 

<33 

Ten.

With the start of each new month, I celebrate how far I've come, and how far I still have to go. Some might see that as self indulgent and excessive, but I have learned how important it is to celebrate every single victory, no matter how small. I also believe that maybe in doing so, I will inspire others to realize that living with whatever mental health issue you have is just not worth it.  It has now been 10 months since the day I first began extracting my disorder from my life, bit by bit.  That day in October I looked inside myself and whispered "please leave." It was timid, unsure, and quiet.  It was muttered in between sobs.  It was forced, because I wanted more than anything to stay curled up under my security blanket of lies and disassociation. I remember spending the majority of the previous day crying, and waking up that morning feeling as though a mack truck had run over me, thinking "well...here we go...the rest of my life."

I will never sugar coat recovery.  I will never tell you that I woke up, having decided to eliminate anorexia from my life, ate some pancakes, and it was all uphill from there.  I will never idealize this process.  I will, however, say that it is the best thing I have ever done.

I have lost a lot in these 10 months, I have gone through serious withdrawals, and serious grief.  I have lost Emily - that constant friend who was always by my side, who claimed to know me better than anyone, but in reality was suffocating me.  I have lost coping mechanisms that allowed me to detach myself from truly feeling.  I have lost the body I had grown accustomed to.  I have lost the sick pleasure I got in having people stare and whisper about me.

And yet, there is so much more I have gained...

10 - Strength

9- Flexibility (both physically and mentally) 

8 - Brain Space 

7 - Self Love

6 - Hope 

5 - Honesty

4 - Energy

3 - Courage

2 - Joy

1 - A Future (because if we are completely honest, without recovery my options were death, or being hooked up to a feeding tube in a hospital, which is not living)

This morning I woke up to 10,000 views on this blog, which is completely overwhelming and amazing.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  This blog has become something that saves my life daily, and I can't express how much it means to me to have people read my story as it unfolds.  You ALL are part of this journey.  I couldn't do it without you.  <33