2014

...So that’s how I started my new year. 2014. With tunnel vision from lack of oxygen. With my brother stroking my back, telling me to just breathe, you’ll get through this. With me wishing I didn’t have to feel anymore. With my mother in tears telling me she can’t keep watching me kill myself.  

In 2014 I...

Relapsed.
Cried.
Had lots of panic attacks.
Played Bingo.
Had numerous days when I couldn't get out of bed.
Spent countless hours on my living room couch.
Missed Emily.
Hated Emily.
Hated myself.
Yelled at Emily.
Played a lot of ukulele.
Watched a lot of Netflix..
Thought I would never get passed the bad part of recovery.
Rediscovered how fucking awesome my curls are.
Was in a parade.
Entered a pageant.
Got banned from a pageant.
Got fired.
Quit.
Went to a lot of therapy.
Wrote a lot of songs.
Relapsed again.
Spent a lot of time on tumblr.
Faked it.
Did a lot of art.
Reconnected with amazing friends.
Went to Savannah.
Moved to St. Pete.
Made some best friends.
Fell in love with a few Burnt Part Boys.
Went to the beach.
Watched a lot of soccer.
Climbed that mountain.
Looked up and headed for the sun.
Missed my boys.
Got an apartment.
Relapsed again.
Went into the woods.
Waited in the dark until I set myself free.
Knew things now.
Cried a lot.
Cried some more.
Won an award.
Conquered some demons.
Made some more friends.
Found a family.
Had a lot of feelings.
Wrote.
Sang.
Freaked out.
Wrote some more.
Finished a musical.
Shared that musical.
Went back again, only different than before.

Top 5 Moments of 2014:

1. Burnt Part Boys
2. Getting my tiny home
3. TTB Awards
4. Into the Woods
5. Full

Now let's see how I did with those resolutions....
1. Kick Emily Out 
2. Finish my musical
3. Up my yoga game 
4. Up my uke game 
5. Blog
6. Get back to NYC - This resolution was made when I still felt like I was failing at being a human and the only way to stop failing was to somehow get back to New York City.  Little did I know what the universe had in store for me.  Instead of schlepping my way back to a restaurant job in the big apple, I went south to St. Pete where I have found so much happiness, artistic fulfillment, and the best family a girl could ask for.  I still want to get back to NYC eventually (Mike and Miriam, I can't promise emotional stability as a roomie, but I can promise that we will always have the CUTEST APARTMENT IN THE WORLD and I will always walk our hypothetical future dog), but I really really love where I am right now, and I am proud to call St. Pete home.

Get at me, 2015...

You Made This. I Am That.

This rehearsal process has been a whirlwind, but an incredible whirlwind.  Not only am I surrounded by insanely talented and inspiring people, but it has allowed me to take all of the hard and harrowing work I have done in recovery and put it into practice.  For more days than not in the past 8 months, I felt like this thing I was battling was putting me through the ringer, and that the reward wouldn't be worth it in the end.  I can now say that every tear, every scream, every step so far has been worth it.  I am not fully recovered...I am not going to try to kid myself there...but I am well on my way to becoming a success story.

One thing this show and this process has shown me is how truly amazing my body is.  After 4 years of beating myself up, this is somewhat of a new insight.  Every day I am astonished by how my (now much stronger) arms and legs can heave myself up into the jungle-gym like set Eric designed, how I can jump from a platform and not feel breakable, how I can sing the high notes that I lost at my lowest weight. I would have never been able to do this show last summer.  And 2 summers ago? Forget it, I would have gone to the hospital.  Because of this, I have gotten into the habit of thanking my body EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even when it's not 100% sincere.  I would like to share a poem inspired by this practice, which I hope will in turn inspire YOU to join me!

Thank you for forgiving me 

after years of tearing you down 

after years of ignoring your cries for help

tears of frustrating fueling my hatred 

feeling betrayed

while I was the one betraying you. 

I tried so hard to disappear 

to shrink to what I thought was an acceptable amount of space

to take up in the universe.

None at all.

When I was weak

I felt like a perfect china doll

a false smile painted on every brittle bone.

Little did I know

that china dolls break.

I never realized the unadulterated joy in feeling the vibrations created

by boots striking the earth

my own feet inside.

Never relishing in the moments of expansion...

How am I supposed to change the world

when the world has swallowed me whole?

I will swallow the world

and nurture it inside of me

just as my mother did with this inexplicable bundle of atoms

cobbled together with nothing but unconditional love.

I will wrap my strong arms around myself

just as my father held me tight

assuring me that I will never fall

I will only grow.

They made something precious

and strong

and imperfect

Something that can sing, and climb, and laugh, and feel

and expand.

They made something remarkable. 

I am that.  

I am. 

I encourage you to join me in my revolution of self love.  It is so much better than the alternative.  I can not say it enough.  Now let's open this show, shall we??

100 Reasons to Recover...

Often during recovery, bad thoughts and temptations get in the way and cloud your judgement.  When that happens, I look at this list...my 100 reasons to recover.  There are countless more that I discover every day, but this list always grounds me and makes me so happy to be alive. 

1. So I can be onstage and tell my story.

2. So that I can be there for my friends when they are struggling just like they have been there for me.
3. So I can be a positive role model.
4. So that I can help people.
5. So that next time I see my brother, I won't be relapsing like the last 2 times he came to visit. So he can see that I've actually made progress. That I am getting better. That I am taking charge of my life.  He can be proud of me and worry just a little less.

6. Because I deserve to love myself.

7.  So that my mom can stop worrying about her 23 year old, adult daughter. 

8.  So that I can stop having panic attacks about the panic attacks that I keep having in front of my sister.

9. So I can go long distance hiking, hopefully on the AT!! I want to conquer the trail, summit mountains, be a part of the wonder of nature, and NOT fall over backwards because my pack weighs more than I do.

10. So that I can travel the world.

11. Because I'M HILARIOUS.

12. Because I always...ALWAYS finish what I've started.

13. Because I always...ALWAYS stick to the plan. My plan is to recover. 

14. Because life is too short.

15. Brownies.

16. So I can go back to NYC, be an actress, party like a rockstar, and not want to just sleep constantly.
17. SINGING!!!
18. Angela.
19. So that I can play some more dream roles.
20. So that people look at me because I'm radiating with joy, not because they're worried about me.
21. So that I can make people smile.
22. So that I can learn new and exciting things with a fully functioning brain.
23. Because my smile is a beacon that needs to shine all the way to heaven to light the Mark World of Delight.
24. So that I can be on Broadway.
25. So that I can carry heavy things without falling down and having people laugh at me.
26. Pizza.
27. So that I can bake delicious treats and actually eat them with everyone at the same time.
28. So that I can finish my musical and share it with the world.
29. So that I'm not cold all the time.
30. MY HAIR!!
31. So that I can go out dancing.

32. So that I can go out drinking.

33. So that I can experience new and exciting foods from around the world.

34. So that I can be spontaneous!

35. So that I can order bar food and not feel guilty.

36. So I can write a book.

37. So I can meet my soulmate and fall in love. 

38. So I can be a mom and raise my children to love and accept themselves and others.

39. High notes.

40. Flexibility - both mentally and physically.

41. Recovery tattoo.

42. No more starvation brain fog.

43. No more lanugo.

44. No more awkward bruising.

45. Food anytime, anywhere, with anyone.

46. So I can go to Australia.

47. No more food lies.

48. No more fear of intimacy.

49. To enjoy holidays.

50. To not plan ahead.

51. To not live by rules, rules, rules.

52. So that I can create something amazing!

53. So that I can ride a bike for miles and miles and feel like I'm flying. 

54. To explore!

55. To make new friends. 

56. Orange Juice.

57. My voice in my brain and no one else's. 

58. Awkward ED humor.

59. So that I can be a motivational speaker and eventually speak on NKU's campus...preferably the theatre department...

60. So I can be a casting director.

61. So I never feel like I'm about to pass out while I"m driving. 

62. So my children can be disgustingly close with their cousins.

63. So my children can marry Robyn's children.

64. So I can be more and more like Shirley Temple (my queen) every day. 

65. There are a lot of books to read.

66. There are a lot of movies to see.

67. There are a lot of shows to watch.

68. So that I can eventually play Emily on stage and not be terrified.

69. Tap dancing.

70. Disney World.

71. Because I'm strong and people assume I'm weak...I love proving people wrong.
72. Because there are so many people in this world who deserve more but can't see it.  I want to show them that it's possible.
73. So that my story can have a happy ending.
74. Yoga.
75. Smoothies.
76. So I can make my Dad proud.

77. So that I can hike the Alps as an adult.

78. So that my siblings and I can grow old together and keep having fun.

79. So I can be in Beth's wedding.

80. So I can be in Robyn's wedding. 

81. So I can be in Sarah R's wedding.

82. So I can be in Jessica's wedding.

83. Because my Mom is the best ever and doesn't deserve this.

84. Because I have come so far already.

85. There are so many delicious treats to be nommed.

86. So I can have my own cat.

87. Because I want to make my children surprise lunches.

88. Because I want my musical to change someone's life for the better.

89. So I can speak/sing at NCYC. 

90. Panini Church

91. So I can go back and have a D-town day with Sarah and Carla.

92. Because everybody loves pie.

93. Because my family has been so supportive and wonderful.

94. Daffodils.

95. So I can go to the world cup and cheer on my boys.

96. So that I can free up all that brain space.

97. So that I never feel silent again.

98. Because I have so much to give to the world.

99. Because I've only just begun.

100.  BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE END OF MY STORY.

Awakening

HAPPY SPRING!!

The sun is shining, exciting things are on the horizon, and it's officially spring.  I'm personally feeling pretty good about life based on those facts alone.  How could you not?  Just look out your window!!  Here's some inspiration in case you're still shaking off those winter blues...

When spring arrives I feel this insatiable urge to go outside.  Every moment of every day the awakening earth is calling me to wander paths and see the world. 

I do so by myself....

...and with friends. 

Or I find friends along the way. 

Spring time is a time for picnics and celebrating earth's bounty...

...and to revel in your inner child. 

Spring time is a time to romp around downtown Lexington with your best friend. 

Spring is Rhubarb season!!

And bunny season.

Spring time is the time to read your favorite books, sip iced coffee, and soak in the vitamin D your dry skin has been craving all winter. 

Spring time is the time to dream about summer...

...and the adventures that lie ahead. 

Can you tell I love spring?  What's your favorite part of this season?  

NOW GO OUTSIDE. You won't regret it.

<33

How to Return Home

Well here we are folks, 2014.  5 days in to the year that, according to social media at least, everyone has huge plans for!  Myself included.  2013 was a strange one, and not one I would be very happy to repeat.  It did have it's great moments.  I, along with three others, put on an incredible production of Miss Julie by August Strindberg all by ourselves!  I went to Florida and performed in my dream show, Spring Awakening!  I went to Disney World!  I moved to New York!

Because I try to focus on the good and positive things in life, I won't get in to the bad stuff that happened.  Honestly, it will probably pop up here on this blog once I get more comfortable in this little cyber-home I've created for my thoughts, but until then, just know that 2013, in one way or another, kicked my butt. So when I packed up my things in New York and schlepped down to Chinatown to get on a 12 hour bus to Cincinnati, I could barely contain my excitement.  I was so happy to be returning home to my family's open arms.

It's all the same except the girl in the hallway
where she's been and who she will ripen into 
your childhood's on the other side of a sprawling divide
too wide
Take a silent breath, hold in the change
tell yourself you still live here...

I got home the day before Christmas Eve, and the Holiday Proper was fantastic.  It was exactly everything I had hoped for: full of family and friends and virtually stress free.  We even all got to go visit my Grandma together, something that hasn't happened in a few years due to the siblings always being in different places.  It was a few days after the magic air of Christmas had settled that I started feeling a little strange.  I kept thinking of the Kerrigan and Lowdermilk song "How to Return Home" and I frankly started to panic.

The personal goal I set for myself when I moved to New York in October was to finally become an adult.  To blossom into the 23 year old woman that I am capable of becoming.  I have always felt like a little girl.  Partially because...well...it's difficult not to when only last summer people were asking me every day if the theatre I was working for found me at Lanesboro Middle School.  I just look young, a fact that is a blessing when it comes to my work onstage!  So yes, other people have something to do with it, but honestly up until this point in my life I have completely played into it.  I took the role as the charming, fun-loving, family fixing little girl off the stage and into my real life because that's what I thought people wanted me to be.  All of the time.  I continued to emulate Annie, Little Mary, and Dinah Lord because in some strange, sick, corner of my brain, I truly believed that's what would make the people around me happiest.

It seems so simple now, but realizing that is not what makes me happiest was a huge revelation, and a huge game changer.  I was walking down Central Park East, on my way home from work, shivering in the city wind, when I realized that I have never been happier than when I was directing Spring Awakening my senior year of college.  I was in charge, I knew exactly what I was doing, no one could tell me I was doing a bad job, and I felt like an adult. For the first time, and the last time since, I had complete and utter confidence in myself and in my work.

There's no written guidelines on how to come back
How to show up and unpack
How to show up
How to grow up
How to take a breath. 

I have to grow up.  We all do.  I feel as if my generation is experiencing some pretty severe emotional growing pains right now being out of college and trying to navigate this terrifying "real world" we were all so excited to enter. I'm sure I'm not alone in the feeling that when I come home I put huge pressure on myself to fall back into the youngest child/little sister role.  I fell back in to old habits quickly, so much so that I was given a huge reality check.  Yet in that moment, I felt my family's support holding me up more than ever.  And that is something that will never change, no matter how long I am away from home or how many years go by.  I will always have their undying love, and will always be able to return home to a safe and welcoming environment.

I won't bore you with details of my resolutions, but the overriding goal of all 8 (yes 8...dream big, I guess) is that by this time next year I will be 100% myself.  Nothing lurking underneath the surface, silencing my BELTING, and clouding my happiness.  Because Katie Berger has NO time for that.

Berger, out.  Happy New Year, everybody!! I hope all your resolutions lead you to a happier, healthier you.  Let's take this ride together!