2014

...So that’s how I started my new year. 2014. With tunnel vision from lack of oxygen. With my brother stroking my back, telling me to just breathe, you’ll get through this. With me wishing I didn’t have to feel anymore. With my mother in tears telling me she can’t keep watching me kill myself.  

In 2014 I...

Relapsed.
Cried.
Had lots of panic attacks.
Played Bingo.
Had numerous days when I couldn't get out of bed.
Spent countless hours on my living room couch.
Missed Emily.
Hated Emily.
Hated myself.
Yelled at Emily.
Played a lot of ukulele.
Watched a lot of Netflix..
Thought I would never get passed the bad part of recovery.
Rediscovered how fucking awesome my curls are.
Was in a parade.
Entered a pageant.
Got banned from a pageant.
Got fired.
Quit.
Went to a lot of therapy.
Wrote a lot of songs.
Relapsed again.
Spent a lot of time on tumblr.
Faked it.
Did a lot of art.
Reconnected with amazing friends.
Went to Savannah.
Moved to St. Pete.
Made some best friends.
Fell in love with a few Burnt Part Boys.
Went to the beach.
Watched a lot of soccer.
Climbed that mountain.
Looked up and headed for the sun.
Missed my boys.
Got an apartment.
Relapsed again.
Went into the woods.
Waited in the dark until I set myself free.
Knew things now.
Cried a lot.
Cried some more.
Won an award.
Conquered some demons.
Made some more friends.
Found a family.
Had a lot of feelings.
Wrote.
Sang.
Freaked out.
Wrote some more.
Finished a musical.
Shared that musical.
Went back again, only different than before.

Top 5 Moments of 2014:

1. Burnt Part Boys
2. Getting my tiny home
3. TTB Awards
4. Into the Woods
5. Full

Now let's see how I did with those resolutions....
1. Kick Emily Out 
2. Finish my musical
3. Up my yoga game 
4. Up my uke game 
5. Blog
6. Get back to NYC - This resolution was made when I still felt like I was failing at being a human and the only way to stop failing was to somehow get back to New York City.  Little did I know what the universe had in store for me.  Instead of schlepping my way back to a restaurant job in the big apple, I went south to St. Pete where I have found so much happiness, artistic fulfillment, and the best family a girl could ask for.  I still want to get back to NYC eventually (Mike and Miriam, I can't promise emotional stability as a roomie, but I can promise that we will always have the CUTEST APARTMENT IN THE WORLD and I will always walk our hypothetical future dog), but I really really love where I am right now, and I am proud to call St. Pete home.

Get at me, 2015...

Ten.

With the start of each new month, I celebrate how far I've come, and how far I still have to go. Some might see that as self indulgent and excessive, but I have learned how important it is to celebrate every single victory, no matter how small. I also believe that maybe in doing so, I will inspire others to realize that living with whatever mental health issue you have is just not worth it.  It has now been 10 months since the day I first began extracting my disorder from my life, bit by bit.  That day in October I looked inside myself and whispered "please leave." It was timid, unsure, and quiet.  It was muttered in between sobs.  It was forced, because I wanted more than anything to stay curled up under my security blanket of lies and disassociation. I remember spending the majority of the previous day crying, and waking up that morning feeling as though a mack truck had run over me, thinking "well...here we go...the rest of my life."

I will never sugar coat recovery.  I will never tell you that I woke up, having decided to eliminate anorexia from my life, ate some pancakes, and it was all uphill from there.  I will never idealize this process.  I will, however, say that it is the best thing I have ever done.

I have lost a lot in these 10 months, I have gone through serious withdrawals, and serious grief.  I have lost Emily - that constant friend who was always by my side, who claimed to know me better than anyone, but in reality was suffocating me.  I have lost coping mechanisms that allowed me to detach myself from truly feeling.  I have lost the body I had grown accustomed to.  I have lost the sick pleasure I got in having people stare and whisper about me.

And yet, there is so much more I have gained...

10 - Strength

9- Flexibility (both physically and mentally) 

8 - Brain Space 

7 - Self Love

6 - Hope 

5 - Honesty

4 - Energy

3 - Courage

2 - Joy

1 - A Future (because if we are completely honest, without recovery my options were death, or being hooked up to a feeding tube in a hospital, which is not living)

This morning I woke up to 10,000 views on this blog, which is completely overwhelming and amazing.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  This blog has become something that saves my life daily, and I can't express how much it means to me to have people read my story as it unfolds.  You ALL are part of this journey.  I couldn't do it without you.  <33 

Bad Thoughts, Be Gone!!

As everyone has been able to see by my shiny new Instagram, life is pretty good these days.  I am in the middle of a show that I could do for the rest of my life and be perfectly content.  My mom (who also happens to be the best person in the world) came to visit me last week and we had a blast.  I've been making lots of recovery wins, and it's been weeks since my last panic attack.  And yet, bad thoughts decided that yesterday would be a great time to start swirling around my head.  Emily was trying her best to bring me down...little did she know that I now have an arsenal of tactics to battle that pesky negative self talk.  I know that everyone has their demons that bring you down when you least expect it...so I would like to share my strategies, and hopefully they will be able to help YOU whenever you are feeling down.  Because bad thoughts are...

1. Talk back - This is the number one strategy that also seems too simple to be a solution.  But I promise, once you start doing it, it changes everything!  You're going to feel extremely silly at first, but once you make this a habit, you are going to wonder how you ever let the negative self talk run in your head without talking back.  You would never let someone talk to another human being like that without saying something, would you?  As corny as it is, go into the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell your bad thoughts NO.  You don't have time for them today, this week, this month, EVER.  You have too many important things to do and you can't have the bad thoughts compromise you in any way!  You are worth so much more than that! 

2. Identify the trigger - There were a few things yesterday that could have sent me into a relapse only a few months ago, but I have gotten pretty good at taking myself out of the situation and objectively figuring out why I feel triggered and why I want to revert back to bad or unhealthy behaviors.  There were people putting unneeded pressure on me, I was wearing a new outfit that showed off my body, and I probably hadn't eaten enough (*Recovery hack: when you feel like you want/need to restrict, you actually need to eat.  The brain chemistry gets thrown off with restriction so you crave it more the hungrier you get.  It's so messed up). After you lay out these things for yourself as FACTS, you realize how silly they are and how easy they will be to overcome.  

3. Surround yourself with people you love - Luckily this is very easy for me to do these days, but I can't stress how important this is for anyone going through a rough day.  You are totally going to want to isolate yourself, but try not to!  You don't have to go out to Georgie's for LIT Thursday (although I highly recommend it), but even something as simple as going out to get a cup of coffee with a friend or calling a relative can totally turn your day around. I could have very easily finished the show last night, gone home, dicked around on Tumblr for a few hours, and gone to bed still in a sour mood.  But instead, I decided to live my life with the people that make me happiest.  Smart decisions. 

4. Find what you love doing most in the world....AND DO IT - It doesn't matter what it is.  You love snuggling up with your kitty and reading a trashy novel?  Sounds lovely!  You love kickboxing until your knuckles bleed?  Sounds cathartic!  You love watching movies, or baking brownies, or organizing all the files in your house, or dancing at a club, or kayaking, or belting your face off?!  YASSSS!!!  I don't care what it is, just figure out how to do whatever you love doing MOST. Do what makes you the happiest version of yourself there is.  Do something that no one can tell you you're bad at.  Once again, I am so incredibly lucky to be able to do what I love most in the entire world for a living.  You better believe Frances was feeling FEISTY last night! 

5. Ask for help - This might be the most important thing I have learned in my journey to 100% KT Berger.  No one is ever going to feel better stewing in their own bad thoughts without a little help from their friends (cue Beatles music).  If you're anything like me, at first you are going to feel like a burden, but you will be surprised how much the people around you want to help.  I was feeling the love so intensely last night after simply putting out in the universe that Emily was getting to me and I could use some support.  Before the show after I told everyone "I will hold you up" (a tradition I learned from The Commonweal <33) I asked them to hold me up because I was in a bad place mentally.  I've never felt more taken care of.  And I want everyone reading this to know that I will hold you up WHENEVER you need it.  You don't even have to ask.  But if you are struggling with negative thoughts...please let me know.  Please ask for help.  It is so worth it to feel the positive vibes streaming your way.  

We all have demons, we all have an "Emily", we all have a Burnt Part.  It doesn't matter what form they take...we can help each other through them. <33

Progress.

8 months ago I would have never taken an entire day to just let my body rest for the sake of resting.

8 months ago I would have never committed a whole day to finishing books and perfecting an accent by reading to myself out loud for an hour straight.

8 months ago I would have never taken a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day and woken up smiling.

8 months ago I would have never ordered a margarita with dinner.

8 months ago I would have never ordered a second margarita.

8 months ago I would have never laughed so loud or so long because the chatter in my brain was making everything incredibly unfunny.

8 months ago I hated myself.

I like myself a whole lot more now.
And that, my friends, is progress.

<33