Often during recovery, bad thoughts and temptations get in the way and cloud your judgement. When that happens, I look at this list...my 100 reasons to recover. There are countless more that I discover every day, but this list always grounds me and makes me so happy to be alive.
1. So I can be onstage and tell my story.
3. So I can be a positive role model.
4. So that I can help people.
5. So that next time I see my brother, I won't be relapsing like the last 2 times he came to visit. So he can see that I've actually made progress. That I am getting better. That I am taking charge of my life. He can be proud of me and worry just a little less.
6. Because I deserve to love myself.
7. So that my mom can stop worrying about her 23 year old, adult daughter.
8. So that I can stop having panic attacks about the panic attacks that I keep having in front of my sister.
9. So I can go long distance hiking, hopefully on the AT!! I want to conquer the trail, summit mountains, be a part of the wonder of nature, and NOT fall over backwards because my pack weighs more than I do.
10. So that I can travel the world.
11. Because I'M HILARIOUS.
12. Because I always...ALWAYS finish what I've started.
13. Because I always...ALWAYS stick to the plan. My plan is to recover.
14. Because life is too short.
19. So that I can play some more dream roles.
20. So that people look at me because I'm radiating with joy, not because they're worried about me.
21. So that I can make people smile.
22. So that I can learn new and exciting things with a fully functioning brain.
23. Because my smile is a beacon that needs to shine all the way to heaven to light the Mark World of Delight.
24. So that I can be on Broadway.
25. So that I can carry heavy things without falling down and having people laugh at me.
27. So that I can bake delicious treats and actually eat them with everyone at the same time.
28. So that I can finish my musical and share it with the world.
29. So that I'm not cold all the time.
30. MY HAIR!!
31. So that I can go out dancing.
32. So that I can go out drinking.
33. So that I can experience new and exciting foods from around the world.
34. So that I can be spontaneous!
35. So that I can order bar food and not feel guilty.
36. So I can write a book.
37. So I can meet my soulmate and fall in love.
38. So I can be a mom and raise my children to love and accept themselves and others.
39. High notes.
40. Flexibility - both mentally and physically.
41. Recovery tattoo.
42. No more starvation brain fog.
43. No more lanugo.
44. No more awkward bruising.
45. Food anytime, anywhere, with anyone.
46. So I can go to Australia.
47. No more food lies.
48. No more fear of intimacy.
49. To enjoy holidays.
50. To not plan ahead.
51. To not live by rules, rules, rules.
52. So that I can create something amazing!
53. So that I can ride a bike for miles and miles and feel like I'm flying.
54. To explore!
55. To make new friends.
56. Orange Juice.
57. My voice in my brain and no one else's.
58. Awkward ED humor.
59. So that I can be a motivational speaker and eventually speak on NKU's campus...preferably the theatre department...
60. So I can be a casting director.
61. So I never feel like I'm about to pass out while I"m driving.
62. So my children can be disgustingly close with their cousins.
63. So my children can marry Robyn's children.
64. So I can be more and more like Shirley Temple (my queen) every day.
65. There are a lot of books to read.
66. There are a lot of movies to see.
67. There are a lot of shows to watch.
68. So that I can eventually play Emily on stage and not be terrified.
69. Tap dancing.
70. Disney World.
72. Because there are so many people in this world who deserve more but can't see it. I want to show them that it's possible.
73. So that my story can have a happy ending.
76. So I can make my Dad proud.
77. So that I can hike the Alps as an adult.
79. So I can be in Beth's wedding.
80. So I can be in Robyn's wedding.
81. So I can be in Sarah R's wedding.
82. So I can be in Jessica's wedding.
83. Because my Mom is the best ever and doesn't deserve this.
84. Because I have come so far already.
85. There are so many delicious treats to be nommed.
86. So I can have my own cat.
87. Because I want to make my children surprise lunches.
88. Because I want my musical to change someone's life for the better.
89. So I can speak/sing at NCYC.
90. Panini Church
91. So I can go back and have a D-town day with Sarah and Carla.
92. Because everybody loves pie.
93. Because my family has been so supportive and wonderful.
95. So I can go to the world cup and cheer on my boys.
96. So that I can free up all that brain space.
97. So that I never feel silent again.
98. Because I have so much to give to the world.
99. Because I've only just begun.
100. BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE END OF MY STORY.