The other day was particularly bad. If you've never dealt with depression, it's very hard to comprehend. I highly recommend reading "Hyperbole and a Half" (not only the blog, but the book) to get a better grasp on going through depression in this day and age. It explains it incredibly well and with plenty of humor. I read the book in one sitting (on the floor of the 82nd St. Barnes and Noble in Manhattan after a particularly harrowing therapy session on a cold winter's night. Nothing like it getting dark at 5pm in NYC to bring out all the sadness burritos). It strangely made me feel a lot better, just because I knew that I wasn't alone. There was at least one person out there who was feeling things similar to how I was feeling, and since she was able to get a book published about it, odds were that there were a slew of other people having those feelings too!
Due to recovery, my brain chemistry is all whack-a-doodle right now. If anyone out there in the universe really believes that eating disorders are NOT mental disorders, they can just come play with me for a week and then reevaluate their life decisions. It's so frustrating and so hard to constantly be trying to rise above the feelings of self-loathing and hatred that cloud my vision day in and day out. You're probably thinking "But KT, you never seemed like that to me!!" Awesome! That is because the self-loathing manifested itself in a different way (I...starved myself. So. There's that). Self-love is a thing I am working on with every ounce of strength I can muster, and the other day I just couldn't do it. Feelings of worthlessness were keeping me glued to my bed, and I was pretty positive that everything would just be better if I disappeared completely. I didn't have motivation to do anything. I know now that that was Emily talking (Emily is the name I gave my disorder, for those of you who don't know), but boy was she loud. It was like there was a running track of her just repeating the word "worthless, worthless, worthless" in my ear. That, my friends, is exhausting.
As I was spiraling into oblivion, I heard the "doo-doo" of a facebook notification. It was my friend Matt commenting on the private group I created in 2011 for my beautiful, amazing cast of "Spring Awakening" that I directed my senior year of college. Of course we are all still in the group (as Andy put it "WHY ARE WE ALL STILL IN THIS GROUP? *stays in group*") , and of course I scrolled through all the past posts, and then the pictures, and I realized that if I hadn't been around, this amazing experience would never have happened for those 13 other people who are still in that group. I did it. It was my baby, and it is still the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.