Angela and I

Angela and I

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

It's These Oblivious Blues...

Hey pretty people.  Sometimes I feel silly writing things like my "100 reasons to recover" or my ~inspirational poetry~ because I am in the throes of recovery just like the people I am trying to help with these posts.  I am going through it.  I have not overcome it.  Every single day is a battle. Before I really get started discussing things I want to say that I am NOT in ANY WAY fishing for compliments with this post.  These are just my thoughts and feelings and I want to put them out there to let people know that they are not alone if they are having bad days.


The other day was particularly bad.  If you've never dealt with depression, it's very hard to comprehend.  I highly recommend reading "Hyperbole and a Half" (not only the blog, but the book) to get a better grasp on going through depression in this day and age.  It explains it incredibly well and with plenty of humor.  I read the book in one sitting (on the floor of the 82nd St. Barnes and Noble in Manhattan after a particularly harrowing therapy session on a cold winter's night.  Nothing like it getting dark at 5pm in NYC to bring out all the sadness burritos).  It strangely made me feel a lot better, just because I knew that I wasn't alone.  There was at least one person out there who was feeling things similar to how I was feeling, and since she was able to get a book published about it, odds were that there were a slew of other people having those feelings too!

Due to recovery, my brain chemistry is all whack-a-doodle right now.  If anyone out there in the universe really believes that eating disorders are NOT mental disorders, they can just come play with me for a week and then reevaluate their life decisions.  It's so frustrating and so hard to constantly be trying to rise above the feelings of self-loathing and hatred that cloud my vision day in and day out.  You're probably thinking "But KT, you never seemed like that to me!!" Awesome!  That is because the self-loathing manifested itself in a different way (I...starved myself. So. There's that). Self-love is a thing I am working on with every ounce of strength I can muster, and the other day I just couldn't do it.  Feelings of worthlessness were keeping me glued to my bed, and I was pretty positive that everything would just be better if I disappeared completely. I didn't have motivation to do anything. I know now that that was Emily talking (Emily is the name I gave my disorder, for those of you who don't know), but boy was she loud.  It was like there was a running track of her just repeating the word "worthless, worthless, worthless" in my ear.  That, my friends, is exhausting.


As I was spiraling into oblivion, I heard the "doo-doo" of a facebook notification.  It was my friend Matt commenting on the private group I created in 2011 for my beautiful, amazing cast of "Spring Awakening" that I directed my senior year of college.  Of course we are all still in the group (as Andy put it "WHY ARE WE ALL STILL IN THIS GROUP? *stays in group*") , and of course I scrolled through all the past posts, and then the pictures, and I realized that if I hadn't been around, this amazing experience would never have happened for those 13 other people who are still in that group.  I did it. It was my baby, and it is still the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.


So of course, the moral of the story is that none of us are worthless.  It may seem like I have learned my lesson.  That I'm going to go outside and do some paddle turns in the streets because life is looking up!!  That's not really how it works, though.  Just know that sometimes getting out of bed is a huge triumph.  That looking out the window is enough to justify a nap. That you deserve to cry, you deserve to rest, and you definitely deserve to eat.  No matter what, you are worthy.  There's a lot that has happened in this world because you exist.

<33

6 comments:

  1. I was in the audience during your opening performance, aside from the fact that I enjoyed the show very much so. When it was over I watched you cry when it was time for yourself and the rest of the cast to make your bows, I knew at that moment you couldn't have been crying out of sadness but absolute happiness at what you had accomplished. And as someone who has quietly suffered long term depression for most of my life, in that moment it had brightened my day to see no to experience such an event. And I thank you for that.

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    1. Wow, Justin! Thank you so much for this comment! It means so much to me. Just curious: did you see the production I directed at NKU or the professional production I was in at freeFall? I only ask because I definitely cried during the bows in both instances haha!!

      Again, thank you so much. This is why I do theatre, so that we can share experiences and grow stronger through them. Much love.

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    2. It was the NKU Production

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    3. Amazing. This honestly means the world to me. Keep fighting the sadness burritos and know that you are not alone. <33

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    4. No problem just wanted to share how you've affected a complete strangers life for the better

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