Passing the Torch

*Bob Saget Voice* Kids, in the fall of 2013, I wrote a song called "Black or White". 

I love writing songs more than I love doing most things.  I love rushing home from work because I thought of a melodic line and a snippet of lyrics and if I don't get it down on paper that moment it might be gone forever. I love sequestering myself in my room and scribbling as fast as I can and strumming until it sounds right.  I love when I think of a perfect word that flawlessly conveys what I want to say.  I love when everything clicks into place.  For a while, I thought that was my favorite thing and my favorite feeling.  That was a high I thought could never be topped.  And then...we started rehearsing "Full" for the first time.  

I've now done this show...a few times.  Every time we start rehearsals and we add more people into our family, Blake and I take a few days to teach the music to the cast.  Once they have the music in their bodies and I hear them take ownership of the songs I experience something I (who I consider to be pretty okay with words) will always have trouble describing.  But let's just say that that is my very favorite feeling in the entire world.  When I first started writing the show, it was never my intent to be in it and it was definitely never my intent to play Harper, the lead role.  So when I joke that I wrote the role for myself, I actually didn't.  I never pictured myself on that stage.  This autumn, Blake High School is doing a production of the show and it is the first time I am not playing the role (aka not leaving the stage for 2 hours and going through the entire spectrum of emotions I experienced over the 5 years of my disorder and singing my heart out and crying tears of joy as I reluctantly but hopefully leave the stage as the final chord sounds).   I think the main reason I never cast anyone else in the role is because it's a lot to ask of a person.  It's a lot to take abuse from Emily for two whole acts and then somehow find the strength to belt out "Black or White" after everything else is falling apart around you.  Trust me.  I've done it a few times now.

On Thursday I had the honor of accompanying Emma, who is playing Harper at Blake at a cabaret performance of "Black or White".  It actually might have been the first time I've only played the music without singing along, and once again I experienced my favorite feeling on earth.  I love singing my music.  It's mine.  No one can take that away from me.  But I love sharing it even more. Hearing others take my songs and make them their own.  Taking ownership of the words and melody and finding truth in them from their own journeys. These are my songs, but they are also yours.

Peace, Love, and Colors ALL around,
KT <33

I know that there is so much more...

Outside there are choices

Colors, warmth, and giving.

If I could just get out there I'd be very good at living. 

I started writing "FULL" last October after a particularly trying day of treatment.  I was walking home and images, sounds, and lyrics filled my brain.  I fell asleep writing that night.  I don't care what higher power you ascribe to, but I know at that moment I was experiencing something divine that I never had before.  It was like ideas were pouring out of me and I couldn't move my pen or strum my ukulele fast enough.  Monday night, with the help of some of my best friends in the entire world, I was able to share my creation for the first time. 

I have been having trouble truly putting the experience I had on Monday into words, but I will say it was one of the best nights of my life so far.  The love I felt inside that room was unlike anything I have ever felt.  And that is because of all of you.  For helping me write this story, for your interest and kind words, for your support, and for your excitement...thank you will never be enough.  And the most exciting part?  This is just the beginning!!  Monday night was the first reading.  In the words of Harper: "This is not the final page, I know that there is so much more."  Yes, "FULL" is my story...but it is also everyone's story.  Everyone has a demon that they have to fight.  Everyone is the hero of their own story. 

Kelly -- Thank you for pushing me to do this.  Your support and love has been everything to me and it's because of you that I really dove into this with both feet.  I could not have done it without you...and not in a creepy Emily way, in a you are the best and a total badass way. 

Taylor, Susan, Jim, and Miriam -- The love I have in my heart for you is indescribable. I could not have asked for a better group of people to present this story!  Thank you for holding me up. So...next step Broadway?  Great. 

Matt, Eric, and Jim -- Thank you SO MUCH for letting me do this.  I am so honored to be a part of the freeFall family.  

There is no rest for the obsessive...bring on the rewrites!!! 

<333

It's the most wonderful time...

For almost five years of my life, December was a terrifying month.  Parties revolving around food, calorie laden drinks, cookies, candy, and big meals with the family.  I would always feel like all eyes were on me. Of course, this was not the case, but because of the intense anxiety brought on by this time of year, my bad habits would get out of control.

I don't claim to be 100% recovered, because frankly...who is?!  I still have bad thoughts and hear occasional whispers from Emily.  But I'm pretty darn close and now, looking back on the things I would do around the holidays, I honestly get incredibly sad that I ever thought that was okay.  Starting around this time (December 1st) I would restrict as much as I could before I went home to Lexington, because I knew once I got home it would be much harder to do so.  I would load up on fruit and salads, and cut corners where possible.  Depending on where I was geographically, I would either go to the gym once a day or take a few walks (even if it was snowing) followed by ab work in my bedroom.  I would find any excuse possible to not attend holiday parties, and if I failed at that, I would eat maybe...an apple leading up to the event and go into it cloudy and feeling slightly intoxicated.  If I knew I was going out drinking I would skip dinner and proceed to get accidentally drunk.  I would plan to get a fancy hot chocolate from Starbucks and then chicken out and get a black tea.  Even last year, when I was doing pretty well...the holiday season sent me into a relapse.

No wonder I would go into the week of Christmas completely on edge.

Because the holidays can be a very scary time for many people, here are some tips to get through it so that you don't succumb to any permutation of the bad habits I described above.

1.Remember what you are doing affects others: You might think it's none of their business, but every time you decline an invitation or snap at someone out of frustration, you are hurting them.  You dragging them through a portion of the hell you are experiencing, and no one deserves that, especially this time of year.

2. Develop healthy coping skills: One thing that used to happen a lot to me during the holidays was people's schedules not lining up with mine, which would send me into horrible anxiety attacks.  Family dinners would always be "too early" for me and I would leave the table feeling guilty.  If this happens to you, don't beat yourself up about it.  Develop coping skills to utilize after a big meal - yoga stretches to aid bloating, writing in a journal, practicing your ukulele, playing a board game with your family.  Anything to get your mind off of the guilt.

3. Be kind to yourself:  I know (I knoooow) how horrible you can feel after eating an "indulgent" holiday meal.  But guess what.  It doesn't matter.  The world will not end, you will not wake up 10 pounds heavier, and you will still need to eat the next day.  It's true!

4. Don't "make up" for what you ate: Studies show that this works 0% of the time. Don't restrict before or after a party.  Because you will inevitably be a pain to be around and no fun whatsoever.  I won't want to hang out with you, and to be honest I'm a St. Pete celeb so...your loss.

5. React to "lose that holiday weight!!!" the RIGHT way: 'Tis the season for diet tricks and tips to circumvent that pesky holiday pudge.  Guess what...that is a load of BS!!  You see, I know things now, and I know that diet culture is the most stupid thing that ever happened to humanity.  So when you see those articles telling you to hit the gym, only eat 1500 calories, and swap cookies for broccoli (ummmm...), make the decision to laugh in the face of every perfect soccer mom in yoga pants to ever grace the pages of a magazine.  THAT IS NOT REAL LIFE.

6. Pick something about yourself you love no matter what, and never forget that precious gift: December is the month of gifts, so why not focus on one that the universe has bestowed upon you?  For me, it's my voice.  Whenever I have bad body image thoughts, I remember that my voice is there no matter what (unless of course, I starve myself and lose it.  HEYOOOO).  It helps that I sing at my church every Christmas Eve, so I also have the opportunity to share my most precious gift.

So that is my December challenge to all of you.  Whether or not you have anxieties surrounding food this holiday season, take a moment to think about the thing you love most about yourself and actively share it with the people around you.  Maybe you're hilarious...go to a holiday party and get the people laughing!  Maybe you love to paint...give your family art work!  Maybe you are good with kids...offer babysitting services so that new parents can have a date night!  There are countless ways to share your gifts...because that is what this time of year is all about.  <33

Ten.

With the start of each new month, I celebrate how far I've come, and how far I still have to go. Some might see that as self indulgent and excessive, but I have learned how important it is to celebrate every single victory, no matter how small. I also believe that maybe in doing so, I will inspire others to realize that living with whatever mental health issue you have is just not worth it.  It has now been 10 months since the day I first began extracting my disorder from my life, bit by bit.  That day in October I looked inside myself and whispered "please leave." It was timid, unsure, and quiet.  It was muttered in between sobs.  It was forced, because I wanted more than anything to stay curled up under my security blanket of lies and disassociation. I remember spending the majority of the previous day crying, and waking up that morning feeling as though a mack truck had run over me, thinking "well...here we go...the rest of my life."

I will never sugar coat recovery.  I will never tell you that I woke up, having decided to eliminate anorexia from my life, ate some pancakes, and it was all uphill from there.  I will never idealize this process.  I will, however, say that it is the best thing I have ever done.

I have lost a lot in these 10 months, I have gone through serious withdrawals, and serious grief.  I have lost Emily - that constant friend who was always by my side, who claimed to know me better than anyone, but in reality was suffocating me.  I have lost coping mechanisms that allowed me to detach myself from truly feeling.  I have lost the body I had grown accustomed to.  I have lost the sick pleasure I got in having people stare and whisper about me.

And yet, there is so much more I have gained...

10 - Strength

9- Flexibility (both physically and mentally) 

8 - Brain Space 

7 - Self Love

6 - Hope 

5 - Honesty

4 - Energy

3 - Courage

2 - Joy

1 - A Future (because if we are completely honest, without recovery my options were death, or being hooked up to a feeding tube in a hospital, which is not living)

This morning I woke up to 10,000 views on this blog, which is completely overwhelming and amazing.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  This blog has become something that saves my life daily, and I can't express how much it means to me to have people read my story as it unfolds.  You ALL are part of this journey.  I couldn't do it without you.  <33 

We get by with a little help...

I've gotten many requests over the past few weeks to do a post about being a supportive friend/family member/loved one to an individual struggling with or recovering from an eating disorder.  I'm not going to lie, I've been putting it off because I want it to be perfect...it is so important!! Before we go any further though, I need to emphasize that first and foremost, those suffering from ED's need professional treatment.  This is advice for those of you who are around these individuals on a day to day basis.  While it is incredibly important for you to be supportive, it is even more important that your friend or family member is on a guided road to recovery with professionals holding them accountable.  It is not your job to be their therapist, but you can still have an extremely positive effect.  So let's begin, shall we?

Friends. They're doing it right. 

Don't make comments about their body - even if you think it's a compliment. 
No matter what you say, it will be the wrong thing.  "You've gained weight!" is the wrong thing.  "Don't worry, you're still skinny!" is the wrong thing. "You're looking healthier!" is the wrong. thing. I know what you're thinking...these are all compliments and you mean them as a good thing or a sign of progress.  But it doesn't matter.  ED's can't help taking whatever you say about our changing bodies and twisting it into something horrible.  Just don't talk about the physical...AT ALL!! That's the whole point!  Try something like "You have so much more energy these days!  You're bright, bubbly personality is so great!"  or "You seem so much happier!" These are things I will never get sick of hearing.  (I will however, never turn down a compliment on my hair)

Don't bring up your own diet or exercise plans, struggles, or advice. 
Recovery is a bitch, I'm just going to say that right now.  You want to know the main reason it's a bitch?  because the entire UNIVERSE is fixated on diet and exercise.  You can't escape it.  I found this post on tumblr that really says it best: "If I had to describe an eating disorder, I would resemble it to a drug addiction. Now, imagine a drug addict trying to quit in a society that’s advertising new drugs while promising amazing highs all over the internet, on YouTube, Facebook, in TV, on the bus passing you right as you’re battling yourself whether to get your fix or go straight home. A society in which you can barely have a conversation without drugs being mentioned; how many you did yesterday, how amazing it felt, which drugs you want to try next. Surrounded by the mentality that it’s embarrassing, weird, lazy, even a sin not to do drugs." So please for the love of GOD...don't tell me about the cleanse you want to do.  Don't tell me about what you did at the gym yesterday.  Don't ask me what I do to stay skinny.  And don't you DARE come to me when you feel "bad" about eating that slice of cake.  I will punch you in the face. Just eat. the. damn. cake. 

Extreme Hunger is fun!  8 servings, my ass.  One and DONE.

Administer compliments and encouragement about their actions. 
This is important.  Throughout recovery, being told I "look better" has unfortunately been triggering.  I can't explain it...I really wish I could, but I can't.  "Healthy" is annoyingly a very triggering word. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this, though!  I do respond incredibly well, however, to people telling me "good job" when I have done something.  Let's face it, we all love to be praised -  You did a great job on a painting YAY!  You won a board game YAY! You took a nap YAY!  You went out with friends DOUBLE YAY!

Don't focus on what/how much they are eating. 
This is a major one I personally struggle with.  I hate people watching me eat and asking me what I'm eating.   Just ask Robyn (I have complained to her so much for people asking me "Is that...A SANDWICH?!"). My sass comes out in full force when people ask me if I'm eating an apple when it is CLEARLY AN APPLE I'M HOLDING IN MY HAND.  JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! *deep breath* Because of this, people struggling with ED's tend to isolate themselves at meal times.  I have made major strides with this, but it still causes me intense anxiety when people comment.  Just the other day at a cookout attention was drawn to me and my plate, and although I'm sure no one else there even remembers the incident, I have gone over it about a million times in my head, and probably could have started crying on the spot.  So just like...find other topics of conversation.  There are so many! Music, movies, nature, the German Football team, corgis, and astrology - just to name a few. 

Don't assume it's just a phase, just about "being thin", or just an intense diet. Don't downplay the severity of this disorder.  DON'T insinuate that they are "lucky" for getting to eat more now that they're recovering. 
Eating Disorders are severe mental disorders that can have fatal affects.  Anorexia didn't come into my life because I wanted to be skinnier or because I wanted to lose a few pesky pounds. I have always been a lil nug.   I struggle with depression, anxiety, and OCD, as do the majority of people suffering from ED's. It is an irrational disorder and can make us do weird things. Don't tell us to "snap out of it" or to "just eat a cheeseburger".  I would have given anything to just "snap out of it" a year ago when I was in my room pacing back and forth because my ED wouldn't leave me alone.  I would love nothing more than to just chow down on a cheeseburger in the middle of the day with no guilt. It's not that easy.  Just let them know that you are here if they need you.  If they don't reach out to you specifically, don't push the subject.  That might not be how they cope, they might want to not talk about it, or you might be a triggering presence.  If you are, please don't take offense...just let it be.  They will come to you when they're ready.   

The most important thing about being a good friend to a person struggling with ED is to be there for them in whatever capacity they need. If they talk about it, great.  If they very clearly don't want to talk about it, also great. Don't overstep your boundaries, they will let you know what they need at that moment.  Remember what I said at the beginning - you are not their therapist. I'm really sorry that it's not "fair" that your compliment is triggering or it causes them to feel bad even though it had good intentions.  You know what else isn't "fair"?  Having an eating disorder.  Just make sure to keep the positive vibe flowing.  Love them, so that they can learn to love themselves.  

What Recovery has Taught Me

When I look at the calendar these days, I can hardly believe how fast time is flying.  I have always had a problem with living in the moment.  It's something I try so hard to do and yet I find myself constantly thinking about happy past times and making up stories about my future.  Lately though, I have been much better about it.  I have learned that this moment is all I have.  That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 9 months.  I have been overwhelmingly grateful and amazed at how much recovery has changed my life, and seeing as tomorrow will mark 9 months since my Mom made me come into her room, sit down on her bed, and admit to her and myself that I had an eating disorder and that I would take measures to eradicate it from my life, I would like to share with you what this process has taught me so far: 

- Recovery is the hardest thing you will ever do.  It is also the most wonderful thing you will ever do. Once when I was going through a particularly bad day, I remember my beautiful friend Jan telling me that treatment is like digging for gold.  You will find those amazing nuggets of beauty, and it will be worth it, but you have to go through some pretty awful mud, and dirt, and animal shit in order to find them.

- You will feel worse before you feel better. I can't stress this enough.  You won't believe me when you are at your lowest lows...I definitely didn't.  I spent months believing that all that was happening was I was getting worse and nothing would ever be good again. But right now I have honestly never been happier.  So there's that.

- There are people in your life that are going to be triggers. They can't help it.  You can't help it.  Accept it, don't stress out about it, remove them from your life, and move on.  We can't all be best friends all the time.  That's just life.

- Recovery takes way longer than you'll want it to.  On October 1st, 2013 I was thinking maybe a few months and I'd be in the clear.  HAHAHAHA.  Hilarious.  It has been 9 intense months of trying to figure out who I am without my disorder and I can say honestly that I am not finished yet.  I am not fully recovered and I have do doubt that it will take at least a year.  But you better believe I am on my way to full recovery and I will settle for nothing less.

- It is important to celebrate every single victory. Once you accept that (for example) having an ice cream cone in broad daylight with people all around you is something to be proud of, you have the power to be proud of yourself LITERALLY ALL THE TIME. It's amazing.

- Surround yourself with the people that support you and make you feel like the happiest, truest, version of yourself possible.  And if you can, be in a show with all guys who are amazing human beings, true gentlemen, who don't give a CRAP what you do, what you eat, or how you look. If that's not possible, keep your friends close.  Let the people who love you hold you up, and hold up the people around you in return. Just do me a favor and don't isolate yourself...Emily thrives in isolation! 

- When you're having a good body image day, just take a picture.  Loving how you look is a victory!  Celebrate it, even if it's just for your own purpose.  People post all sorts of pictures when they're falling in love.  So what, you're falling in love with yourself?? And let's be real, in this day and age, no one is going to judge you for posting a bathroom selfie.

- As much as it's not about food...it is about food. In order to heal you must eat every meal. It's corny and rhymes but it's the MOST true thing. You're not going to make any progress if you decide to fall back on to bad habits "just once." 

When I was at the height of my ED, at my lowest weight, and putting on a happy face for the world, I felt like a perfect china doll.  A delicate, precious little waif.  I kept my porcelain body on a shelf and kept a smile on my face.  Here's the thing though...china dolls break.  Porcelain shatters.  

Now I feel like a warrior.  A woman who is falling deeply in love with herself.  Someone who is on their way to full and total recovery...who will not settle for anything less.  Someone who is leading a revolution of self worth.  Building an empire of acceptance.  I believe with my whole heart that we are all in it together.  I don't think I can change society.  But I think I can make it a little bit brighter for the people around me.  Because life is too short.  9 months pass in a blink of an eye. 

RECOVERY IS REAL. RECOVERY IS WORTH IT. 

Bad Thoughts, Be Gone!!

As everyone has been able to see by my shiny new Instagram, life is pretty good these days.  I am in the middle of a show that I could do for the rest of my life and be perfectly content.  My mom (who also happens to be the best person in the world) came to visit me last week and we had a blast.  I've been making lots of recovery wins, and it's been weeks since my last panic attack.  And yet, bad thoughts decided that yesterday would be a great time to start swirling around my head.  Emily was trying her best to bring me down...little did she know that I now have an arsenal of tactics to battle that pesky negative self talk.  I know that everyone has their demons that bring you down when you least expect it...so I would like to share my strategies, and hopefully they will be able to help YOU whenever you are feeling down.  Because bad thoughts are...

1. Talk back - This is the number one strategy that also seems too simple to be a solution.  But I promise, once you start doing it, it changes everything!  You're going to feel extremely silly at first, but once you make this a habit, you are going to wonder how you ever let the negative self talk run in your head without talking back.  You would never let someone talk to another human being like that without saying something, would you?  As corny as it is, go into the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell your bad thoughts NO.  You don't have time for them today, this week, this month, EVER.  You have too many important things to do and you can't have the bad thoughts compromise you in any way!  You are worth so much more than that! 

2. Identify the trigger - There were a few things yesterday that could have sent me into a relapse only a few months ago, but I have gotten pretty good at taking myself out of the situation and objectively figuring out why I feel triggered and why I want to revert back to bad or unhealthy behaviors.  There were people putting unneeded pressure on me, I was wearing a new outfit that showed off my body, and I probably hadn't eaten enough (*Recovery hack: when you feel like you want/need to restrict, you actually need to eat.  The brain chemistry gets thrown off with restriction so you crave it more the hungrier you get.  It's so messed up). After you lay out these things for yourself as FACTS, you realize how silly they are and how easy they will be to overcome.  

3. Surround yourself with people you love - Luckily this is very easy for me to do these days, but I can't stress how important this is for anyone going through a rough day.  You are totally going to want to isolate yourself, but try not to!  You don't have to go out to Georgie's for LIT Thursday (although I highly recommend it), but even something as simple as going out to get a cup of coffee with a friend or calling a relative can totally turn your day around. I could have very easily finished the show last night, gone home, dicked around on Tumblr for a few hours, and gone to bed still in a sour mood.  But instead, I decided to live my life with the people that make me happiest.  Smart decisions. 

4. Find what you love doing most in the world....AND DO IT - It doesn't matter what it is.  You love snuggling up with your kitty and reading a trashy novel?  Sounds lovely!  You love kickboxing until your knuckles bleed?  Sounds cathartic!  You love watching movies, or baking brownies, or organizing all the files in your house, or dancing at a club, or kayaking, or belting your face off?!  YASSSS!!!  I don't care what it is, just figure out how to do whatever you love doing MOST. Do what makes you the happiest version of yourself there is.  Do something that no one can tell you you're bad at.  Once again, I am so incredibly lucky to be able to do what I love most in the entire world for a living.  You better believe Frances was feeling FEISTY last night! 

5. Ask for help - This might be the most important thing I have learned in my journey to 100% KT Berger.  No one is ever going to feel better stewing in their own bad thoughts without a little help from their friends (cue Beatles music).  If you're anything like me, at first you are going to feel like a burden, but you will be surprised how much the people around you want to help.  I was feeling the love so intensely last night after simply putting out in the universe that Emily was getting to me and I could use some support.  Before the show after I told everyone "I will hold you up" (a tradition I learned from The Commonweal <33) I asked them to hold me up because I was in a bad place mentally.  I've never felt more taken care of.  And I want everyone reading this to know that I will hold you up WHENEVER you need it.  You don't even have to ask.  But if you are struggling with negative thoughts...please let me know.  Please ask for help.  It is so worth it to feel the positive vibes streaming your way.  

We all have demons, we all have an "Emily", we all have a Burnt Part.  It doesn't matter what form they take...we can help each other through them. <33

Exactly.

There have been a few moments in my life where I have looked at myself, looked at the people around me, and looked at what I'm doing and have been exactly where I wanted to be.  Happy in every sense of the word, with no impulse or desire to change anything.

Opening night of "The Burnt Part Boys" was one of those moments.

I've done a lot of thinking and writing about happiness. I've also spent a lot of time pretending to be the happiest girl in the world when I was the most miserable I've ever been.  Since then I have learned that all  feelings are valid and should be expressed and felt, and lying about it will get you NOWHERE.  Real anger is good.  Real sadness is good. Real happiness is REALLY GOOD. In all of this reflection I have found that in order to be happy I need to be 100% me, connecting with the people around me with no isolation, and not allowing anything to compromise my ability to live in the moment.  Saturday night, the checklist was completely checked off.  I was doing what I love to do most in the world, at a theatre I am honored to call home, with the most amazing cast I've ever been a part of, connecting fully and intensely with the audience. I never once caught myself spiraling into negative or destructive thoughts.  I was truly focused and truly present. I was simultaneously 100% KT and 100% Frances and I was so overwhelmed with happiness I could barely even contain myself. 

And one thing is absolutely certain ... there was no sign, hint, or glimmer of Emily (ding, dong, the bitch is gone).  Honestly, I haven't heard from her in a while...and if that isn't a reason to celebrate with whiskey lemonade, bluegrass music, and photo-ops...I don't know what is.  

And then the game of "let's pose with KT but be shorter than her" started.  It was hilarious, I promise (thank you apple pie moonshine). 

This show means so much to me on so many levels.  I'm a huge believer that the universe knows what it's doing and it knew that in the past year some shit had to go down in order for me to be ready to do this.  I could seriously write a dissertation on Frances (*hides my extensive character journal...embarrassing*), and the thing that's so awesome about her is that she makes me feel STRONG.  I care about this show and our work so much that nothing else matters.  I am flabbergasted every day by how much brain space is freed up when the negative and guilty thoughts aren't there.  Jeez. I can fully commit myself to my craft and to the people around me who I love SO much.  THIS CAST AND CREW, MAN!! Ugh.  They blow me away every day. 

If you are able to, please come see "The Burnt Part Boys" at freeFall Theatre!! Tickets are going fast! You will not be disappointed.  The work these guys have done and continue to do will knock your socks off. 

(Production photos courtesy of Mike Wood!! He is a cool dude.) 

You Made This. I Am That.

This rehearsal process has been a whirlwind, but an incredible whirlwind.  Not only am I surrounded by insanely talented and inspiring people, but it has allowed me to take all of the hard and harrowing work I have done in recovery and put it into practice.  For more days than not in the past 8 months, I felt like this thing I was battling was putting me through the ringer, and that the reward wouldn't be worth it in the end.  I can now say that every tear, every scream, every step so far has been worth it.  I am not fully recovered...I am not going to try to kid myself there...but I am well on my way to becoming a success story.

One thing this show and this process has shown me is how truly amazing my body is.  After 4 years of beating myself up, this is somewhat of a new insight.  Every day I am astonished by how my (now much stronger) arms and legs can heave myself up into the jungle-gym like set Eric designed, how I can jump from a platform and not feel breakable, how I can sing the high notes that I lost at my lowest weight. I would have never been able to do this show last summer.  And 2 summers ago? Forget it, I would have gone to the hospital.  Because of this, I have gotten into the habit of thanking my body EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even when it's not 100% sincere.  I would like to share a poem inspired by this practice, which I hope will in turn inspire YOU to join me!

Thank you for forgiving me 

after years of tearing you down 

after years of ignoring your cries for help

tears of frustrating fueling my hatred 

feeling betrayed

while I was the one betraying you. 

I tried so hard to disappear 

to shrink to what I thought was an acceptable amount of space

to take up in the universe.

None at all.

When I was weak

I felt like a perfect china doll

a false smile painted on every brittle bone.

Little did I know

that china dolls break.

I never realized the unadulterated joy in feeling the vibrations created

by boots striking the earth

my own feet inside.

Never relishing in the moments of expansion...

How am I supposed to change the world

when the world has swallowed me whole?

I will swallow the world

and nurture it inside of me

just as my mother did with this inexplicable bundle of atoms

cobbled together with nothing but unconditional love.

I will wrap my strong arms around myself

just as my father held me tight

assuring me that I will never fall

I will only grow.

They made something precious

and strong

and imperfect

Something that can sing, and climb, and laugh, and feel

and expand.

They made something remarkable. 

I am that.  

I am. 

I encourage you to join me in my revolution of self love.  It is so much better than the alternative.  I can not say it enough.  Now let's open this show, shall we??

Tummy Troubles.

Happy June!  I, for one, cannot believe it is already June 1st...I also can't believe that we open in less than 2 weeks (cast members, let's all just take a deep breath together).  I am having a blast here in Florida rehearsing for The Burnt Part Boys, and Frances is quickly becoming my favorite role I've ever played.

Pretty much everything about my first full week in rehearsal has been perfect except for one tiny thing...tummy troubles.  I'm gonna give you the option to STOP READING this post NOW if talk of gastrointestinal distress, bloating, and bowel movements freaks you out in anyway.  Just...click that handy little X.  BUT, I for one would be in much worse state of mind if there weren't people in the online recovery community who were annoyingly open and honest in sharing their experiences with recovery bloat and compromised digestive systems.  I would probably think I was dying...hell, I DID think I was dying last September when I was going through a particularly bad period of stomach stress.

SO - here it is.  While recovering from an ED, you're digestive system is absolutely going to freak out. You have been treating it very badly with whatever behaviors you used (restriction, bingeing, purging, etc.) and therefore, it is extremely compromised.  With anorexia, you have to be very careful in the refeeding process, or else you can experience what is known as "refeeding syndrome" which can have fatal effects.  No matter what though, you are going to experience recovery bloat. You are going to experience bouts of constipation (sometimes lasting for longer than a week...it's disgusting and uncomfortable) followed by bouts of diarrhea.  You just are.  It's going to suck. It's going to make you cry.  You're going to feel like you are a giant balloon animal.  You are going to hate it...but you have to go through it in order for your system to normalize.  You're entire digestive tract is trying desperately to relearn everything.

As someone who had a delicate system before she made it even more delicate (I'M AWESOME!), I have come up with lots of ways to make myself feel better when I feel like a blimp and what to cut a hole in my stomach for easier drainage purposes:
1. Drink, drink, DRINK.  The more water the better. Your stomach will feel like it's swimming, but it helps move things along.  Drink at least 3 times the amount you normally do.
2. KEEP EATING EVERY MEAL.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT restrict. It seems counter intuitive and it will be the last thing you want to do, but trust me. If you restrict, your body will think it's preparing for famine and therefore will hold on to any food you put in for dear life. Make sure to get plenty of healthy fats and oils, as this will make things easier to pass.  I find that it's better to eat dense food with less volume...that way you get the calories but not as much bloat (think nut butters, avocados, etc).
3. Take short, light walks.  Nothing too strenuous, just to keep things moving.
4. Wear baggy, comfortable clothes that feel good on the belly.  No tights or close fitting shirts...not trying to be a hero here, folks.
5. Try to stay away from pictures or body checking.  Do NOT weigh yourself.
6. Deep, juicy, yoga stretches.  This can help movement and just make you feel good!
7. Try to focus on other things.  This will be hard, but I believe in you.
8. If the issue persists, PLEASE go see a doctor.

You are going to be fine.  And just think, if you keep on truckin' with recovery, soon your system will work itself out and find a healthy balance.  This too shall pass....literally.

<33

100 Reasons to Recover...

Often during recovery, bad thoughts and temptations get in the way and cloud your judgement.  When that happens, I look at this list...my 100 reasons to recover.  There are countless more that I discover every day, but this list always grounds me and makes me so happy to be alive. 

1. So I can be onstage and tell my story.

2. So that I can be there for my friends when they are struggling just like they have been there for me.
3. So I can be a positive role model.
4. So that I can help people.
5. So that next time I see my brother, I won't be relapsing like the last 2 times he came to visit. So he can see that I've actually made progress. That I am getting better. That I am taking charge of my life.  He can be proud of me and worry just a little less.

6. Because I deserve to love myself.

7.  So that my mom can stop worrying about her 23 year old, adult daughter. 

8.  So that I can stop having panic attacks about the panic attacks that I keep having in front of my sister.

9. So I can go long distance hiking, hopefully on the AT!! I want to conquer the trail, summit mountains, be a part of the wonder of nature, and NOT fall over backwards because my pack weighs more than I do.

10. So that I can travel the world.

11. Because I'M HILARIOUS.

12. Because I always...ALWAYS finish what I've started.

13. Because I always...ALWAYS stick to the plan. My plan is to recover. 

14. Because life is too short.

15. Brownies.

16. So I can go back to NYC, be an actress, party like a rockstar, and not want to just sleep constantly.
17. SINGING!!!
18. Angela.
19. So that I can play some more dream roles.
20. So that people look at me because I'm radiating with joy, not because they're worried about me.
21. So that I can make people smile.
22. So that I can learn new and exciting things with a fully functioning brain.
23. Because my smile is a beacon that needs to shine all the way to heaven to light the Mark World of Delight.
24. So that I can be on Broadway.
25. So that I can carry heavy things without falling down and having people laugh at me.
26. Pizza.
27. So that I can bake delicious treats and actually eat them with everyone at the same time.
28. So that I can finish my musical and share it with the world.
29. So that I'm not cold all the time.
30. MY HAIR!!
31. So that I can go out dancing.

32. So that I can go out drinking.

33. So that I can experience new and exciting foods from around the world.

34. So that I can be spontaneous!

35. So that I can order bar food and not feel guilty.

36. So I can write a book.

37. So I can meet my soulmate and fall in love. 

38. So I can be a mom and raise my children to love and accept themselves and others.

39. High notes.

40. Flexibility - both mentally and physically.

41. Recovery tattoo.

42. No more starvation brain fog.

43. No more lanugo.

44. No more awkward bruising.

45. Food anytime, anywhere, with anyone.

46. So I can go to Australia.

47. No more food lies.

48. No more fear of intimacy.

49. To enjoy holidays.

50. To not plan ahead.

51. To not live by rules, rules, rules.

52. So that I can create something amazing!

53. So that I can ride a bike for miles and miles and feel like I'm flying. 

54. To explore!

55. To make new friends. 

56. Orange Juice.

57. My voice in my brain and no one else's. 

58. Awkward ED humor.

59. So that I can be a motivational speaker and eventually speak on NKU's campus...preferably the theatre department...

60. So I can be a casting director.

61. So I never feel like I'm about to pass out while I"m driving. 

62. So my children can be disgustingly close with their cousins.

63. So my children can marry Robyn's children.

64. So I can be more and more like Shirley Temple (my queen) every day. 

65. There are a lot of books to read.

66. There are a lot of movies to see.

67. There are a lot of shows to watch.

68. So that I can eventually play Emily on stage and not be terrified.

69. Tap dancing.

70. Disney World.

71. Because I'm strong and people assume I'm weak...I love proving people wrong.
72. Because there are so many people in this world who deserve more but can't see it.  I want to show them that it's possible.
73. So that my story can have a happy ending.
74. Yoga.
75. Smoothies.
76. So I can make my Dad proud.

77. So that I can hike the Alps as an adult.

78. So that my siblings and I can grow old together and keep having fun.

79. So I can be in Beth's wedding.

80. So I can be in Robyn's wedding. 

81. So I can be in Sarah R's wedding.

82. So I can be in Jessica's wedding.

83. Because my Mom is the best ever and doesn't deserve this.

84. Because I have come so far already.

85. There are so many delicious treats to be nommed.

86. So I can have my own cat.

87. Because I want to make my children surprise lunches.

88. Because I want my musical to change someone's life for the better.

89. So I can speak/sing at NCYC. 

90. Panini Church

91. So I can go back and have a D-town day with Sarah and Carla.

92. Because everybody loves pie.

93. Because my family has been so supportive and wonderful.

94. Daffodils.

95. So I can go to the world cup and cheer on my boys.

96. So that I can free up all that brain space.

97. So that I never feel silent again.

98. Because I have so much to give to the world.

99. Because I've only just begun.

100.  BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE END OF MY STORY.

Flow it, Show it, Grow it

A few days ago I went out on a limb and posted some pictures and a status on Facebook.  I'm not exactly a private person when it has come to my recovery process, I'm willing to share things if people ask, but I also haven't just gone out of my way to tell people what I've been doing for the past 6 months.  I was having a really rough morning so I got in the shower and scrubbed myself intensely (it's a weird thing that helps) and washed my hair (a rare occasion) and belted my face off.  I got out feeling much better about life.

I let my hair air dry, which was also rare.  Usually I get impatient and put it up in a top knot.  And by usually I mean every day of my life.  Now I'm not fishing for compliments here but I don't really love the way I look.  Especially right now through this whole process.  Because I am actively changing, every day is a battle with my brain, and it's exhausting.  I hate it.  I will never say it's easy, because it is not.

Even though I have always struggled with self confidence with my outward appearance, I adored one very specific part of me.  My hair. I mean...look at it in the height of it's MAJESTY.

I loved it.  It was my defining feature. I got compliments on it whenever I wore it down, which made me never want to put it up (strange now that I wear it up nearly every day....oh how we change). Fast forward to junior year of college and it's just as long but now it's starting to fall out.  In my style of denial (I MADE A RHYME), I started cutting it short.  Everyone loved it so I thought everything was fine.  But the texture of it changed from thick, luscious, and curly to dry, brittle, and thin.  I had chunks missing.  It's so gross to think about it now and even grosser to think how blind I was to it.  Blegh. 

6 months into recovery and I can actually see my hair restoring itself and getting back to what it used to be.  It makes me happier than it probably should. I posted these photos because it is something tangible that I can be proud of.  Never in a million years did I expect the support and love that I got from them!  It was amazing.  ED's are all about trying to do everything on your own, and that is something that makes the recovery process ten times harder.  But putting myself out there and being open and honest garnered more love and inspiration than I ever thought imaginable.  

I have never been more passionate about something than I am about this.  I am so committed to my own journey because I never...NEVER want anyone to have to go through what I have and still am working my way through. Last summer in Spring Awakening, Eric told us to imagine what we would change in the world in order to create our own personal Purple Summer.  This is mine.  I never want anyone to feel like they are less than enough.  I never want anyone to destroy themselves from the inside out.  That's why I'm writing my musical!  So that in the darkest of moments, anyone who needs to can know that there is someone who cares and who believes in them through their own battle.  It truly is a battle.  One that beats me up until I feel like I can't go on anymore and then something magical like this happens.  

Oh and the next day, just to prove my healthy looking hair WAS NOT a fluke, I took another picture. THOSE CURLS, THOUGH! Call me vain, but it makes all of this bullshit worth it.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  You have given me so much strength, it's overwhelming.  I love you all. 

It's not just black or white

It's not just you or nothing

there's colors all around

there's colors all around me.