Restoration

I am 40 lbs up from my lowest weight.  I am a person that has gained 40 lbs (which also means I am a person that at one time lost around 40 lbs, which is even crazier to me).  I am not particularly happy or sad about this, but I think being virtually emotionless is actually the best place I could be.  I’m not jumping for joy because who would, but I’m also not wanting to kill myself over the fact that I weigh more than I ever had.  Far from it.  I’m actually the happiest I’ve ever been. 

When I started this journey to recovery, I thought the day I became restored would be my undoing.  I couldn’t fathom a life in which I wasn’t the small little sack of bones I had grown so accustomed to.  But honestly, now that I’m restored (and then some…my doctor said this is normal and I will most likely taper) here I am, living.  And I think the main reason why I am able to accept this body right now is the fact that this disorder was NEVER ABOUT WEIGHT.  I never set out to lose weight.  That was never a thing.  It started happening and then I couldn’t stop. I was never overweight and I am still not.  Which just means I was frighteningly UNDER weight at my lowest, which makes me want to go back in time and cradle myself and tell myself it’s all going to be okay. 

Do I LOVE my body?  No.  I still feel like it’s completely foreign to me.  I look in the mirror ready to see the person I was even a year ago. Growing out of clothes fucking sucks.   The fact that I put on more than half of what I weighed in 2013 is actually overwhelming, and it’s something that I’m still getting used to.  But now I look at pictures of myself at that time and I am flabbergasted at the fact that it got that bad.  I was so incredibly sick.  I don’t know how I did it.  I don’t know how I functioned.  When I was at my low weight for whatever reason pictures of me from high school (when I was my natural, set point) embarrassed me.  I guess I just didn’t want people to compare the past and present and realize that there was something VERY wrong going on.  Yesterday I looked at a bunch of pictures from then (thank you, day off boredom) and I started tearing up because I looked so happy, so free, so uninhibited, and frankly I found myself commenting in my head about how beautiful I looked.  Me.  Saying that about myself??  Something that has never happened.  I went through high school not focused on my appearance but I would NEVER have said I was pretty.  

I’m proud of myself for a few things.  I’m proud that I gained the weight.  It had to happen.  As hard as it was and still is, it had to happen. I’m proud that I was able to do it over an extended period of time so that I didn’t suffer any health risks.  While drawing it out was a challenge mentally, it was better in the long run.  I’m proud that things don’t scare me anymore.  When I started recovery, restoration was my number one fear.  And here I am.  

Roads to Recovery: Josie's Story

It's time for another story in "Roads to Recovery"!  I am very excited about this one.  In 2012, I packed up everything and moved to Minnesota to live and work in Lanesboro at the Commonweal Theatre Company.  Little did I know that I would find my happy place an hour south in Decorah, Iowa.  In this unassuming little town I found my favorite coffee shop, summer adventures, and a best friend!  I had countless amazing days and nights in Decorah, where I would squirrel away to when I was sick of putting on my happy face for everyone.  One of the awesome people I met in Decorah was Josie, who works at the Oneota Co-op.  She would ring me up for my Vegan Turkey Mango Madness every week and we would chat about this and that...and before we knew it, we were great friends!  Since my tenure at the Commonweal, we have remained in touch and through her amazing blog, I discovered that we have more in common than I already thought.  I was thrilled when she agreed to share her story here, because it has been an inspiration to me since my early days of recovery.  

Something that most people aren’t aware of is that I’ve struggled with an eating disorder. Primarily bulimia but at times I minimized what I ate and purged that as well. It’s something that has taken a long while for me to stop feeling shame over. Over the years I’ve heard comments about how disgusting I was or the typical “Why would anyone want to throw up?”

People looked at me like I was an unwanted fungus; no one seemed to get the concept that I had an eating disorder. It’s an addiction and has probable genetic links. Long story short, I felt very alone at times and it took me several years to finally curb my addictive behavior. However, that does not mean that my ties of ED are cut completely. Not at all. I still struggle with (on a regular basis) self-image issues that seem to completely baffle those who know me. That is one of the residual after-effects of ED and something that flares up often.

I was dealing with ED during my junior year in high school and my senior year. Eventually I cut back on my destructive habits and would periodically fall back and forth for several years until probably 2007. My relationship with food was still pretty bad, but I managed to stop purging for the most part (minus extremely stressful situations.) I’m not entirely sure why I was able to stop, but I managed to-however my main vice then turned into cigarettes.

After several years, in 2010 I decided I was tired of doing things to my body that were negative. I can’t replace one vice with another unhealthy vice and expect to have everything go away. So I quit smoking. It was easy because I for some reason was never really addicted to cigarettes; not sure why I was lucky.

It wasn’t until 2012 I decided I needed to find something to do for my physical health. I’ve never enjoyed exercise, especially if it felt like work or was too mundane. I was doing a kickboxing routine for awhile and enjoying that. Then one day I woke up and said “I’m going to buy a bicycle.” I was tired of driving to work on beautiful days, wasting the last few minutes of my life before work in a hot and stuffy car. It seemed so pointless. However, allergies and (and unknown exercise induced asthma) prevented me from wanting to walk to work. I thought a bicycle would be a great way to get me to work without too much physical exertion. However, I still had fears of car traffic and worried if I would even be a good rider.

That Friday I bought a bike. It was clunky, heavy, and homely…but I loved him. I named him Sir Richard the Ironhearted and rode him almost every day. That Monday I rode him on the Trout Run Trail, on the flat part past the Hatchery and back. I found I really enjoyed riding! It was exercise but not! I wasn’t bored and it didn’t feel mundane. My mind had found peace and that felt amazing.

My first few months of riding my bicycle were huge in terms of opening me up. The exercise helped reduce my stress and keep my depression at bay. I felt less edgy. I was becoming more confident in my handling skill. I became happier. I realized with all of these changes that more had to happen-finding out what I needed/wanted, divorce, and finding love again.

I’ve been riding regularly now since 2012 and have graduated to newer bicycles and different styles of riding. You’ll find me not only on paved surfaces, but on mountain bike trails too! This is not to say that everything is rainbows and sunshine…The very real and frustrating aspect over my mental self is continually making peace with food and my body image. Cycling has changed my body and for me, it took a long time to actually notice the changes. I’m much more muscular and toned than I used to be. The other thing about working out regularly? You need to eat more to fuel your body. That was a hard lesson for me, and still is. I have to eat food…especially if I want to keep riding or help my body recover from a hard ride. I would ride or increase the duration of my rides and find myself getting hungry much earlier than I planned or anticipated. It took time (and still requires effort some days) to accept this and allow myself to have sustenance. My personality likes to dance with the idea that inhabits my addictive personality…that I have to ride in order to eat. It is so completely not true. This is what makes the much-needed rest days difficult for me sometimes. The addictive personality that likes to hide in the dark corners of my mind says “You didn’t bike, you shouldn’t eat.” Okay, perhaps I should limit the chocolate that I intake but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t eat anything at all, that’s ridiculous!

This is one of the reasons why many people say that you never really are “cured” from an eating disorder; you manage it for the rest of your life. Riding my bicycle(s) had really helped me overcome many obstacles that have been in my way for years. It’s given me the courage to make changes in my life, to become healthier, and to do something good for myself that I long-denied. It’s one of the ways that I show my inner-person that I really do care about me and my body. It’s the only body I have and I want it to be strong.

I may never look like the models on TV with the so-called “ideal” body. No. That is something that I have been working on to accept for many years now. I’m not going to magically grow taller, have bigger breasts, longer torso, firmer stomach, or delicate ankles. Nope. I’m going to be short with broad shoulders, powerhouse legs covered in bruises, magnificent arms, and a damn fine booty.

I want a body that helps me climb the rocky hills, maneuver down sketchy turns, and pedal over the roots that lie in my path. I want the body that works hard, has “battle scars” and shows other women that they can accomplish great things on a bicycle. I want the body that eats the food it needs in order to keep on riding, because that is what it loves to do.

I can’t lie. There are days where I fight against myself, but I’ve learned to tell that inner voice of self-destructive behavior to just take a hike. I’ll rest when I need to, eat when I feel hungry, and keep working on loving myself for me.

Thank you, Josie!! You're story and passion for cycling are things that inspire me every day. You are an amazing woman! Please read Josie's blog, Life on Two Wheels and like it on Facebook! I love reading about her biking adventures and getting a peek into her life in Decorah. I can't wait to come back and visit!

Roads to Recovery: Anna's Story

Welcome to a new feature on my blog: Roads to Recovery!  Every one to two weeks I am going to feature a story that is NOT my own about different people's personal recovery journeys.  And that is the important part...it is a journey.  I hope to be able to share stories from all different points of recovery, not just the end of the road (is there really an end of the road?  I'll get back to you on that one).  I am SO excited to have the first guest blogger for this new feature be my beautiful friend, Anna.  Anna and I met back in 2002 when my family and I were living in Ireland.  We spent 1st year of secondary school nearly inseparable, and leaving her friendship was incredibly difficult for me.  Luckily, thanks to the handy dandy internet, we have been able to stay in touch!  What's more, she has been such a huge inspiration to me throughout this whole process, and you are about to see why...

First off, thanks so much to Katie for letting me feature in her fantastic blog! My story is a bit rambling, but there is a point to it, so I hope ,you manage to stay awake through it! The seeds of my anorexia were sown over 8 years ago now; at least 7 of the years since have been filled with varying levels of anxiety, guilt and torment. When I think back on that time now, I wonder whether it was my inability to trust that kept me trapped for so long; or simply a lack of information – probably a combination of both.

I should have been one of the lucky ones; I was diagnosed quickly and received inpatient treatment in Dublin, Ireland just over a year after my symptoms began in December 2007. Unfortunately, the treatment I received served only to further entrench my disordered beliefs, so that the following June – less than three months after being discharged – I presented in a significantly worse state (both physically and mentally) than I had on my initial admission. I can’t remember my exact thoughts at this time, but I do recall a determination to make an effort this time; to fight against the anorexia rather than collude with it.

Over the next year, I worked with the clinic staff as an outpatient; I followed my prescribed meal plan and gained enough weight to keep my BMI lay just out of the anorexic range. I certainly looked and felt better than I had a year previously; I went to university, made new friends, had relationships – all the standard stuff. My illness still pervaded my consciousness; body image was a big issue; meals (although nutritionally balanced) were strictly calorie counted and regimented – eating spontaneously at a friend’s house was a no-no; and stressful events were almost bound to lead to a reduction in intake. Yet I carried on eating; kept my weight (mostly) stable; and was able to lead a relatively normal life.

This is a ‘recovery’ story in itself. It’s one that you come across quite regularly in magazine articles about anorexia; and it’s one that I myself recounted to various Irish media outlets in an attempt to spread a message of hope. It’s what I genuinely believed recovery meant; no one had told me any different. So I stumbled along blindly, unconsciously waiting for something to trip me up. This didn’t outwardly manifest until my final year of university in 2011/12, but things had been bubbling under the surface for quite a while beforehand.

Gradually the rituals began to take told, even more strong than before; my thoughts turned to food 24/7 and my relationship with my loved ones eroded. I was in total denial about what was happening to me. I think I was terrified of admitting the truth. I successfully wangled my way out of a myriad of medical appointments by packing my bags and moving to London the moment university was over. The anorexia took on a life of its own, so that by the time a family member managed to convince me to visit my GP, I was unable to walk for five minutes without toppling over. It wasn’t until I was threatened with sectioning under the Mental Health Act that I was ready to admit that yes, anorexia was still very much a problem.

Thankfully, the section wasn’t necessary, and I agreed to a voluntary admission at an NHS facility in London. I was all set to make this admission something similar to my last – A.K.A get discharged at a low BMI and carry on living a pseudo-anorexic life. Thankfully, the incredible clinic staff persuaded me to change my mind. Over the year that followed, they provided me with information which I had been sorely lacking; that it is possible to make a FULL recovery from anorexia (no counting, no checking, no disordered behaviour whatsoever); that this can only happen when you reach a healthy weight (a weight that is healthy for YOU, rather than the lowest acceptable point on the BMI scale); that your brain chemistry will adjust and this won’t actually seem like the worst thing imaginable.

Of course, the information wasn’t enough to thwart the anorexia alone; I had to learn to trust. Probably one of my most frequently uttered phrases when in treatment was ‘but I haven’t trusted ANYONE before; how am I supposed to trust you?’ In retrospect, they made it easy for me. I remember in one of my earlier family therapy sessions, the therapist said ‘I believe I can get you to think about things other than food and weight’. Both my parents and I were sceptical – I had thought of little else for the past 6 years. But he was so confident. Looking back, he had every right to be – it didn’t happen overnight, but gradually other things began to take precedence.

Now, almost a year from discharge, I hardly recognise the person I became throughout my illness. I still don’t class myself as fully recovered, but I’m heading in the right direction. My weight is within a healthy range, I eat normally (as in properly normally, impromptu cupcakes on the way home from work included!) and I don’t take my emotions out on food – instead, I actually express them.

I don’t expect you to trust me implicitly by simply reading this blog post, but I hope I’ve demonstrated that there is something more than the ‘recovery’ we so often see portrayed. sometimes (with me anyway) there is a fear that looking ‘normal’ and letting go of those awful, yet strangely comforting rituals will fail to mark you out as special. Let me just say, having tried both, that ‘normal’ (despite the bad moments) beats anorexia’s ‘special’ hands down.

Thank you, Anna!! Your story has and will continue to inspire me and countless others. I am so happy that we have remained friends through the years, and I hope to visit you soon (or vice versa)!!

Summertime Sadness

It's definitely summer out there. I have taken to just wearing my bathing suit around the house.  I watched dolphins swimming in the ocean last night for a good hour (as someone who was born land locked, that will NEVER get old.  DOLPHINS. RIGHT THERE). I absolutely have to take a shower every day because well...it's really hot.  

Unfortunately, depression doesn't care if you live in the sunshine state.  Depression doesn't care if you can walk down the street and instantly be on the beach.  Depression doesn't care if you have a loving family and amazing friends.  Sometimes it just finds your insecurities ("the show is over...now what...I need to find an apartment...I ate too much at dinner...I miss my friends...what am I even doing right now...I'm tired but I should be productive....WHY AM I CRYING?!") and attack.  

The important thing to remember in those moments when you feel like you don't "deserve" to be depressed is that there is nothing wrong with being depressed.  It is a real chemical imbalance in your brain and sometimes you just can't help it.  The past few days have been a little rough for me personally, but luckily I have some pretty awesome people and tactics  to get me through the bad days.  Early on in recovery I even made a checklist called "Sadness Burritos --> Happiness Muffins" because sometimes just the act of checking off all of the things on the checklist pulls me out of my funk. 

The two biggest things that help me whenever I feel the depression cloud are MUSIC and PEOPLE. I've talked about it on the blog before, but when I was at my lowest of lows, Angela my ukulele really pulled me up and out of the hole I had dug myself into. She became my "tangible object" and to this day whenever I am having bad thoughts, or want to use bad behaviors, or just generally anxious, I can strum a few chords and the world simply gets better.  She replaced restriction as my number one coping mechanism, so I'm not exaggerating when I say she saved my life. 

The other thing is people.  Friends...new friends, old friends, strangers on the beach, the group of old men at Starbucks who sit at the table next to me every day, a phone call from my best friend, a Facebook chat with my sister...it doesn't matter.  I just can NOT isolate myself.  Depression thrives in isolation, which is annoying because of course when we are sad that is exactly what we want to do...shut ourselves off. After lots of self examination in therapy, I have learned that connections with people are what I truly crave.  I am not the introvert I thought I was for 4 years. 

Even if you don't struggle with depression, I think it is important for everyone to find their one or two things that help whenever they are feeling down.  All feelings are valid and real and should be dealt with.  There is nothing wrong with being sad.  NOTHING.  There is no use covering up bad feelings and pretending to be the happiest person in the world...trust me.  I've been there, I've done that, and it doesn't work. Allow yourself to feel the bad feelings, to go through some summertime sadness, but make sure to have ways to pull yourself out of it so the world can see your smiling face once again.  

You've only begun...

Well, here we are.  "The Burnt Part Boys" is now a memory.

This is going to be a tough one to leave behind.  I knew that going in, but little did I know how much this show would truly mean to me by the end of it.  I could play this role surrounded by these people forever and be perfectly content!  I know that's a big statement...but I don't think you realize how much I love this show!

The performance yesterday was incredible, if I do say so myself.  We had an absolutely fantastic audience who were along for every twist and turn of the story, and by the end of it were shedding tears just like we were.  Oh and I broke my final compass!  Big day, big day.

It probably comes as no big surprise to anyone that I get very attached to experiences and people.  I am very, VERY bad at goodbyes, and I let them affect me more than I should.  It's one of the big reasons that I started isolating myself and keeping myself from truly connecting with people. I feel like I'm always leaving, and it messes me up too much emotionally to invest in that.  Throughout recovery, I have found that I need those deep connections to function, so now that I'm breaking out of that bad habit, I'm finding myself overwhelmed with the thought of saying goodbye to this show and these guys.  Luckily, this is only the first step in my Florida journey...at least I won't have to say goodbye to the place!  Many members of my Burnt Part family are here too, so that makes it easier.  I'm still pretty torn up about the whole thing, though.

It's amazing the difference a year makes.  Last year (although I would have never admitted it) when the clock was ticking down on "Spring Awakening," I was so excited for it to be over.  Emily ruled my life. She was making every waking moment a living hell and constantly telling me what a piece of shit I was.  This year I gave myself over to the experience.  There were glimpses of Emily, but with the help and support of everyone around me, I was able to silence her and keep her from ever intruding on this journey.

The scrappy little whistle blower pictured above made me feel stronger than I ever have before.  She made me understand how important it is to be fueled, to have a clear mind, and to fully connect with what is happening around me. She made me understand how much BETTER life is when all of your senses aren't wrapped in cotton wool, and when you don't have a track of negative self talk constantly running in your brain. I will carry Frances Boggs with me for the rest of my life.

I wouldn't change a thing about this experience.  This family shared something truly special.  Thank you all for letting me be one of the boys. <33

Princess Frances OUT.

What Recovery has Taught Me

When I look at the calendar these days, I can hardly believe how fast time is flying.  I have always had a problem with living in the moment.  It's something I try so hard to do and yet I find myself constantly thinking about happy past times and making up stories about my future.  Lately though, I have been much better about it.  I have learned that this moment is all I have.  That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 9 months.  I have been overwhelmingly grateful and amazed at how much recovery has changed my life, and seeing as tomorrow will mark 9 months since my Mom made me come into her room, sit down on her bed, and admit to her and myself that I had an eating disorder and that I would take measures to eradicate it from my life, I would like to share with you what this process has taught me so far: 

- Recovery is the hardest thing you will ever do.  It is also the most wonderful thing you will ever do. Once when I was going through a particularly bad day, I remember my beautiful friend Jan telling me that treatment is like digging for gold.  You will find those amazing nuggets of beauty, and it will be worth it, but you have to go through some pretty awful mud, and dirt, and animal shit in order to find them.

- You will feel worse before you feel better. I can't stress this enough.  You won't believe me when you are at your lowest lows...I definitely didn't.  I spent months believing that all that was happening was I was getting worse and nothing would ever be good again. But right now I have honestly never been happier.  So there's that.

- There are people in your life that are going to be triggers. They can't help it.  You can't help it.  Accept it, don't stress out about it, remove them from your life, and move on.  We can't all be best friends all the time.  That's just life.

- Recovery takes way longer than you'll want it to.  On October 1st, 2013 I was thinking maybe a few months and I'd be in the clear.  HAHAHAHA.  Hilarious.  It has been 9 intense months of trying to figure out who I am without my disorder and I can say honestly that I am not finished yet.  I am not fully recovered and I have do doubt that it will take at least a year.  But you better believe I am on my way to full recovery and I will settle for nothing less.

- It is important to celebrate every single victory. Once you accept that (for example) having an ice cream cone in broad daylight with people all around you is something to be proud of, you have the power to be proud of yourself LITERALLY ALL THE TIME. It's amazing.

- Surround yourself with the people that support you and make you feel like the happiest, truest, version of yourself possible.  And if you can, be in a show with all guys who are amazing human beings, true gentlemen, who don't give a CRAP what you do, what you eat, or how you look. If that's not possible, keep your friends close.  Let the people who love you hold you up, and hold up the people around you in return. Just do me a favor and don't isolate yourself...Emily thrives in isolation! 

- When you're having a good body image day, just take a picture.  Loving how you look is a victory!  Celebrate it, even if it's just for your own purpose.  People post all sorts of pictures when they're falling in love.  So what, you're falling in love with yourself?? And let's be real, in this day and age, no one is going to judge you for posting a bathroom selfie.

- As much as it's not about food...it is about food. In order to heal you must eat every meal. It's corny and rhymes but it's the MOST true thing. You're not going to make any progress if you decide to fall back on to bad habits "just once." 

When I was at the height of my ED, at my lowest weight, and putting on a happy face for the world, I felt like a perfect china doll.  A delicate, precious little waif.  I kept my porcelain body on a shelf and kept a smile on my face.  Here's the thing though...china dolls break.  Porcelain shatters.  

Now I feel like a warrior.  A woman who is falling deeply in love with herself.  Someone who is on their way to full and total recovery...who will not settle for anything less.  Someone who is leading a revolution of self worth.  Building an empire of acceptance.  I believe with my whole heart that we are all in it together.  I don't think I can change society.  But I think I can make it a little bit brighter for the people around me.  Because life is too short.  9 months pass in a blink of an eye. 

RECOVERY IS REAL. RECOVERY IS WORTH IT. 

Bad Thoughts, Be Gone!!

As everyone has been able to see by my shiny new Instagram, life is pretty good these days.  I am in the middle of a show that I could do for the rest of my life and be perfectly content.  My mom (who also happens to be the best person in the world) came to visit me last week and we had a blast.  I've been making lots of recovery wins, and it's been weeks since my last panic attack.  And yet, bad thoughts decided that yesterday would be a great time to start swirling around my head.  Emily was trying her best to bring me down...little did she know that I now have an arsenal of tactics to battle that pesky negative self talk.  I know that everyone has their demons that bring you down when you least expect it...so I would like to share my strategies, and hopefully they will be able to help YOU whenever you are feeling down.  Because bad thoughts are...

1. Talk back - This is the number one strategy that also seems too simple to be a solution.  But I promise, once you start doing it, it changes everything!  You're going to feel extremely silly at first, but once you make this a habit, you are going to wonder how you ever let the negative self talk run in your head without talking back.  You would never let someone talk to another human being like that without saying something, would you?  As corny as it is, go into the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell your bad thoughts NO.  You don't have time for them today, this week, this month, EVER.  You have too many important things to do and you can't have the bad thoughts compromise you in any way!  You are worth so much more than that! 

2. Identify the trigger - There were a few things yesterday that could have sent me into a relapse only a few months ago, but I have gotten pretty good at taking myself out of the situation and objectively figuring out why I feel triggered and why I want to revert back to bad or unhealthy behaviors.  There were people putting unneeded pressure on me, I was wearing a new outfit that showed off my body, and I probably hadn't eaten enough (*Recovery hack: when you feel like you want/need to restrict, you actually need to eat.  The brain chemistry gets thrown off with restriction so you crave it more the hungrier you get.  It's so messed up). After you lay out these things for yourself as FACTS, you realize how silly they are and how easy they will be to overcome.  

3. Surround yourself with people you love - Luckily this is very easy for me to do these days, but I can't stress how important this is for anyone going through a rough day.  You are totally going to want to isolate yourself, but try not to!  You don't have to go out to Georgie's for LIT Thursday (although I highly recommend it), but even something as simple as going out to get a cup of coffee with a friend or calling a relative can totally turn your day around. I could have very easily finished the show last night, gone home, dicked around on Tumblr for a few hours, and gone to bed still in a sour mood.  But instead, I decided to live my life with the people that make me happiest.  Smart decisions. 

4. Find what you love doing most in the world....AND DO IT - It doesn't matter what it is.  You love snuggling up with your kitty and reading a trashy novel?  Sounds lovely!  You love kickboxing until your knuckles bleed?  Sounds cathartic!  You love watching movies, or baking brownies, or organizing all the files in your house, or dancing at a club, or kayaking, or belting your face off?!  YASSSS!!!  I don't care what it is, just figure out how to do whatever you love doing MOST. Do what makes you the happiest version of yourself there is.  Do something that no one can tell you you're bad at.  Once again, I am so incredibly lucky to be able to do what I love most in the entire world for a living.  You better believe Frances was feeling FEISTY last night! 

5. Ask for help - This might be the most important thing I have learned in my journey to 100% KT Berger.  No one is ever going to feel better stewing in their own bad thoughts without a little help from their friends (cue Beatles music).  If you're anything like me, at first you are going to feel like a burden, but you will be surprised how much the people around you want to help.  I was feeling the love so intensely last night after simply putting out in the universe that Emily was getting to me and I could use some support.  Before the show after I told everyone "I will hold you up" (a tradition I learned from The Commonweal <33) I asked them to hold me up because I was in a bad place mentally.  I've never felt more taken care of.  And I want everyone reading this to know that I will hold you up WHENEVER you need it.  You don't even have to ask.  But if you are struggling with negative thoughts...please let me know.  Please ask for help.  It is so worth it to feel the positive vibes streaming your way.  

We all have demons, we all have an "Emily", we all have a Burnt Part.  It doesn't matter what form they take...we can help each other through them. <33

Two Show Day.

Happy weekend everybody!!  I know what you're thinking..."But KT!! It's Monday!  Stop being cruel!"  True, it is Monday, but in the actor's world Monday is usually the start of our weekend.  On the flip side, our work week here at FreeFall is Thursday - Sunday.  While the rest of the world is wrapping things up at the office, putting the least amount of effort possible on Friday afternoon, checking their phones under their desks, and then going home to enjoy dinner with their families, we are gearing up to perform.  I've been asked if this reverse schedule is ever annoying ("I can't go out, I'll be in a show...") but honestly, I wouldn't change it.  I get to do exactly what I love most in the world for a living.  Plus, we get to relax, drink wine, and jam on Sunday evenings while the sun goes down.  Most of the world is setting alarms and dreading the next morning...

My very favorite day of the week is Saturday.  Why you ask?  It's a two show day!!  I get to play on stage with my favorite people not once but twice.  I've been asked a few times how we do it twice in one day...so come with me as I walk through a (favorite) day in the life!!  

My Saturdays generally start pretty late.  I try to sleep as late as I can so that I'm well rested for the day ahead.  Once I get up, I'll eat a late brunch like meal (I call it brunch as if I'm fancy or something...but really I just stuff my face with something slathered in peanut butter) and then head out to meet the boys at the office...aka Starbucks. 

Chris, Nick, and I will spend some quality time sipping iced coffee and doing whatever we need to do.  I generally catch up on blogging, journalling, working on my musical, reading, or checking out auditions in the area.  Before we know it it's time to head to the theatre for our first show of the day. 

One of my favorite things in life is getting to the theatre every day and having Daniel, our stage manager say "Welcome to work!"  It's such a simple thing but always puts me in such a great and happy mood! What's more, I love a matinee because I get to do my time honored tradition of the MATINEE MOLE!!  I learned this tradition from the Mark Hardy, and I will never do a matinee without one.

I also take a moment before each show to thank my body for everything it does for me.  This usually ends up being a moment of I LOVE MY HAIR LOOK AT THE BEAST GROWING STRONGER EVERY DAY. But seriously look at it.  God, I love recovery.

Then we do the show!!

This past Saturday was especially great because I was able to spend time in between shows with my MAMACITA aka my best friend aka the incomparable PAM! We went to Leafy Greens Cafe here in beautiful St. Pete...the perfect in between show fuel! 

Absolutely delicious!  We were raving about it for hours after we actually ate.  After fueling up, it's time to head back to FreeFall for show #2.  I take off my matinee mole and spend time reading in my dressing room, listening to Cameron and Joseph talk about me through the vent. #princessfrances. 

Time to climb that mountain again!!  

After two performances of this particular show, my body is definitely tired, but in the best way possible.  I once again thank it for everything it allows me to do and refuel it so that it continues to be healthy and strong.  As I've said before, this time one, two, or even three years ago, this show would have probably put me in the hospital.  The amount of singing it requires of me would have caused me to lose my voice, "Little Women" style.  Many notes in this score I was not even able to produce at the height of my disorder.  Being able to belt up to the rafters during the finale makes me happier than anything ever has. 

We spend 5 shows a week (we all wish it was more!!) telling this beautiful story.  We make connections with each other and the audience, giving it our all, and bearing our souls.  Saturdays are long but overwhelmingly gratifying, and after 5 emotional performances, we are able to kick back and watch the Florida sun set over the water. 

The life of a professional actress might seem strange to some, but it's my life, and I can say with all the honesty in my heart that I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Permission

I'm really good at justifying other people's decisions.  I learned this skill after spending countless hours in high school, college, and theatres listening to people trying to justify what they were doing and then feeling guilty about it.  "It's tech week so I can have candy for breakfast, right?  RIGHT?  UGH I'M THE WORST. IT'S NOT EVEN CHEAT DAY!" First of all...don't even get me started on the phrase "cheat day". I find it insufferable and so disordered. But anyway, that would always be my cue to say something like "No, that's totally fine.  It's tech week you're allowed to do whatever you want."

But here's the secret.  Even if it's not tech week, even if you aren't having a bad day, even if you weren't "good" yesterday, even if you didn't go to the gym, even if you slept for 15 hours straight and then laid in bed until your cat peed on your face - you really can do whatever you want.  Whenever you want.  

I give you permission.

I give you permission to abandon food rules and go out with friends to a new restaurant, even if you were planning on making your own dinner.  I give you permission to not know what is on the menu before you go.  I give you permission to live in the moment. 

I give you permission to unabashedly cheer for your favorite sports team.  Even if it goes against your country of origin.  I give you permission to school guys about stoppage time and to decorate your bracket with pretty colors and stickers. I give you permission to live passionately. 

I give you permission to go out to a bar in the middle of the day and order a screwdriver and delicious fried food to soak up the alcohol. I give you permission to enjoy your Vitamin C with a little vodka thrown in.  I give you permission to put your feet up at a beach bar and relax the evening away. 

I give you permission to take selfies because you are having a good body image day. 

I give you permission to take a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day.  Rest is one of the most important things we can give our bodies.  I give you permission to TAKE A ENTIRE DAY OFF.  I give you permission to watch a whole season on Netflix and tear through a novel and spend a few hours on Tumblr. 

I give you permission to feel great about yourself.  Even if you aren't feeling it 100%.  I give you permission to walk around this earth like the human embodiment of perfection. 

I give you permission to be proud of yourself. 

I give you permission to start falling in love with yourself.  

 

Exactly.

There have been a few moments in my life where I have looked at myself, looked at the people around me, and looked at what I'm doing and have been exactly where I wanted to be.  Happy in every sense of the word, with no impulse or desire to change anything.

Opening night of "The Burnt Part Boys" was one of those moments.

I've done a lot of thinking and writing about happiness. I've also spent a lot of time pretending to be the happiest girl in the world when I was the most miserable I've ever been.  Since then I have learned that all  feelings are valid and should be expressed and felt, and lying about it will get you NOWHERE.  Real anger is good.  Real sadness is good. Real happiness is REALLY GOOD. In all of this reflection I have found that in order to be happy I need to be 100% me, connecting with the people around me with no isolation, and not allowing anything to compromise my ability to live in the moment.  Saturday night, the checklist was completely checked off.  I was doing what I love to do most in the world, at a theatre I am honored to call home, with the most amazing cast I've ever been a part of, connecting fully and intensely with the audience. I never once caught myself spiraling into negative or destructive thoughts.  I was truly focused and truly present. I was simultaneously 100% KT and 100% Frances and I was so overwhelmed with happiness I could barely even contain myself. 

And one thing is absolutely certain ... there was no sign, hint, or glimmer of Emily (ding, dong, the bitch is gone).  Honestly, I haven't heard from her in a while...and if that isn't a reason to celebrate with whiskey lemonade, bluegrass music, and photo-ops...I don't know what is.  

And then the game of "let's pose with KT but be shorter than her" started.  It was hilarious, I promise (thank you apple pie moonshine). 

This show means so much to me on so many levels.  I'm a huge believer that the universe knows what it's doing and it knew that in the past year some shit had to go down in order for me to be ready to do this.  I could seriously write a dissertation on Frances (*hides my extensive character journal...embarrassing*), and the thing that's so awesome about her is that she makes me feel STRONG.  I care about this show and our work so much that nothing else matters.  I am flabbergasted every day by how much brain space is freed up when the negative and guilty thoughts aren't there.  Jeez. I can fully commit myself to my craft and to the people around me who I love SO much.  THIS CAST AND CREW, MAN!! Ugh.  They blow me away every day. 

If you are able to, please come see "The Burnt Part Boys" at freeFall Theatre!! Tickets are going fast! You will not be disappointed.  The work these guys have done and continue to do will knock your socks off. 

(Production photos courtesy of Mike Wood!! He is a cool dude.)