Little Joys, Little Victories

HELLOOOOO!! Wow I have not blogged in a while.  This is because my laptop died (RIP) and when it comes to spending money I love to put things off until I can't live without whatever it is I need to spend money on.  It's one of my special skills (which also include devil sticks, whistle tones, and reading all of the books). Anyway, even though I haven't been updating my blog, I have had a fantastic couple of weeks!  And really, nothing that exciting has happened - but my life has been so full of little moments of happiness and tiny recovery triumphs that when I look at them all together, it's pretty overwhelming.

If you had told me earlier in my life that I would suffer from depression, I probably would have replied "Excuse me don't you know WHO I AM?!" I made it a point to have positivity streaming out of every orifice, and when it didn't feel natural, I did it anyway!! The sun will come out tomorrow so help me God, and if it doesn't, I will build a sun lamp. Little did I know that a short way down the road I would be the girl laying on her floor, looking up at the ceiling, and crying because she can't stop crying.  Or having an anxiety attack because she's pretty sure her face has swollen 3 times it's natural size over night. But, that's where we find ourselves sometimes.  Desperately hoping for some amazing thing to happen and to break us out of the sadness burrito we have found ourselves wrapped in.  At least, that's what I kept praying for.  But then all of the little things started adding up, fueling my fire, and making feel well...like a motherfucking WARRIOR.

Here are a few examples.  Alone..."oh cool, KT I'm glad you had a good day but why are you belting?"  Together...EVERYTHING IS AWESOME.

I made a total life upgrade by purchasing this adorable backpack and carrying it instead of a purse.  My sister has had one for a while, and I finally decided to make the switch.  Um...MY LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE.

I got to see one of my very favorite people, Nicole!!  We go way back to the Summer of Love - LCT 2003.  Since then we have gone to high school together, obsessed over the same people, and lived together in New York.  Oh and I won a bucket so...I'm set.

I feel like I've made HUMONGOUS strides in my recovery process, and each day I become more and more passionate about my journey and helping others who are also struggling.  It's really overwhelming to feel this deeply about something.  This past week I feel like EH finally hit me harder than I've ever experienced (that's Extreme Hunger - what happens when the body's hunger cues finally start lining up, metabolism kicks in, and all of a sudden...NOM NOM NOM GIVE ME ALL THE FOOD), and although I thought that EH would scare the shit out of me, it was actually fun and liberating.  I'm so proud of myself.

 

I celebrated a glorious Easter Sunday with my family (minus Andy, but I'll see him SO SOON).  It was relaxing after kicking it into over drive in church world to just prepare a delicious meal, enjoy the sunshine, have good conversation, and share a pie moment (rhubarb, what else).  Another victory - first holiday without a panic attack and absolutely NO Emily in sight.  Self five!

I've been reading some really great books including "Secrets and Wives" which is about my favorite subject of all time - MORMON POLYGAMY!

Laine and I took a mini road trip to NKU to see Spamalot!  On the way, we had fantastic conversation and iced coffee (what more do you need in life?!). While there, we met up with Hannah for drinks before hand, saw friends at the show, and stopped by Brandon's apartment to say hi.  I can't even explain how good it was to see everyone and to see an amazing production!  I am so proud to be an NKU theatre alum.

Mom and I made some delicious home made pizza, Veg-Bergers style.

It is warm and I have been spending lots of time outside in the sunshine. Happy KT.

I've had countless phone conversations with people I love.

I started a new journal.

I'm almost done with season 3 of "McLeod's Daughters."

Daryl Harris came to me in a dream.

Less than a month until Florida.

Everything is going to be OK.

What I Read: The Handmaid's Tale

"Night falls.  Or has fallen.  Why is it that night falls, instead of rising, like the dawn?"

It's book day, it's book day, it's book day!!  Wednesdays are cool. And now they are even COOLER because it's the day I do my weekly book review.  Ok, ok, so I am the only person that would get excited about that but I love books and I love talking about them. SO RAMBLE, I SHALL! This week I read The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood...

Why I read it: Ever since I watched this trailer and had a LOT of feelings about it, I've been having a hankering for some good old, dystopian literature. It's one of my favorite genres and this particular book has been on my to-read list for a while.  Not to mention, the weather lately has been nothing short of apocalyptic and I'm very susceptible to that. All of these factors just made me want to read something futuristic and bleak, you know?! Just me?  Alright,  moving right along....

What I loved: I enjoyed how Offred, the protagonist who's true name we never learn, jumps right into the story without any exposition.  I felt like a detective reading my way through the book, picking up context clues and piecing together how our own world has become in this iteration of the future.  She hops between  flashbacks from her previous existence, her own thoughts, and the action taking place around her.  I've always been a fan of stream of consciousness narratives, and this one was fun to follow.  This society's structure was fascinating and terrifying at the same time.  Without coming out and stating "I'm scared", the narrative voice makes the reader feel the imminent danger and fear dwelling beneath the surface of the highly calculated world that has been created. 

What I didn't love:  While I respect the author's choice to keep everything about this story mysterious, I couldn't help but want a bit more information!  This is really a testament to the writing, but I definitely wanted to know more about the society and the chain of events which morphed our world into the one in the book. I wanted so badly to know more about the political atmosphere, since I know the politics of the time heavily influenced Atwood's writing.  I also wanted to know every single detail about Offred's life before and what happened to Luke and their daughter.  Obviously, since this book is written in first person and Offred doesn't know these facts, that would be impossible...but that doesn't mean I'm not a curious kitten! 

Why you should read it: 

-If you love dystopian and post-apocalyptic literature: What are you waiting for?  This is everything you love. 

-If you are interested in women's rights: This book puts an interesting spin on how far we have come as women.  In the new society women have virtually no rights, yet in an age of declining births they are a commodity. It definitely made me thankful for all the pioneers who came before me.

-If you love certain YA books but want to be a little more adult: We are a generation of 20-somethings that is clinging on to our beloved young adult novels with every ounce of strength we have.  But , never fear!  This book gave me everything I could ask for when all I wanted to do was re-read The Giver for the 34th time. 

"But who can remember pain, once it's over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind." 

Flow it, Show it, Grow it

A few days ago I went out on a limb and posted some pictures and a status on Facebook.  I'm not exactly a private person when it has come to my recovery process, I'm willing to share things if people ask, but I also haven't just gone out of my way to tell people what I've been doing for the past 6 months.  I was having a really rough morning so I got in the shower and scrubbed myself intensely (it's a weird thing that helps) and washed my hair (a rare occasion) and belted my face off.  I got out feeling much better about life.

I let my hair air dry, which was also rare.  Usually I get impatient and put it up in a top knot.  And by usually I mean every day of my life.  Now I'm not fishing for compliments here but I don't really love the way I look.  Especially right now through this whole process.  Because I am actively changing, every day is a battle with my brain, and it's exhausting.  I hate it.  I will never say it's easy, because it is not.

Even though I have always struggled with self confidence with my outward appearance, I adored one very specific part of me.  My hair. I mean...look at it in the height of it's MAJESTY.

I loved it.  It was my defining feature. I got compliments on it whenever I wore it down, which made me never want to put it up (strange now that I wear it up nearly every day....oh how we change). Fast forward to junior year of college and it's just as long but now it's starting to fall out.  In my style of denial (I MADE A RHYME), I started cutting it short.  Everyone loved it so I thought everything was fine.  But the texture of it changed from thick, luscious, and curly to dry, brittle, and thin.  I had chunks missing.  It's so gross to think about it now and even grosser to think how blind I was to it.  Blegh. 

6 months into recovery and I can actually see my hair restoring itself and getting back to what it used to be.  It makes me happier than it probably should. I posted these photos because it is something tangible that I can be proud of.  Never in a million years did I expect the support and love that I got from them!  It was amazing.  ED's are all about trying to do everything on your own, and that is something that makes the recovery process ten times harder.  But putting myself out there and being open and honest garnered more love and inspiration than I ever thought imaginable.  

I have never been more passionate about something than I am about this.  I am so committed to my own journey because I never...NEVER want anyone to have to go through what I have and still am working my way through. Last summer in Spring Awakening, Eric told us to imagine what we would change in the world in order to create our own personal Purple Summer.  This is mine.  I never want anyone to feel like they are less than enough.  I never want anyone to destroy themselves from the inside out.  That's why I'm writing my musical!  So that in the darkest of moments, anyone who needs to can know that there is someone who cares and who believes in them through their own battle.  It truly is a battle.  One that beats me up until I feel like I can't go on anymore and then something magical like this happens.  

Oh and the next day, just to prove my healthy looking hair WAS NOT a fluke, I took another picture. THOSE CURLS, THOUGH! Call me vain, but it makes all of this bullshit worth it.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  You have given me so much strength, it's overwhelming.  I love you all. 

It's not just black or white

It's not just you or nothing

there's colors all around

there's colors all around me. 

The Cruellest Month

 April is the cruellest month,

breeding lilacs out of the dead land. 

Mixing memory and desire. 

Daffodils, sunshine walks, damp air, sudden showers.  Nothing can stop people from going outside and shaking off the winter blues.  I'm always amazed how many people are out and about around my neighborhood, all hours of the day.  We've clearly had enough of winter.  There is something so beautiful and so sad about spring time. It truly does mix memory and desire together into a strange restlessness which wells up inside of us as the days grow longer. I love this time of year, but it is a time of change and transition. I have always been a restless soul...always ready to move on to the next thing, and spring time always magnifies those feelings. Due to recent events, I have never been more ready to move on. 

                        

 You gave me hyacinths first a year ago.  

They called me the hyacinth girl. 

Yet when we came back, late from the hyacinth garden

your arms full and your hair wet

I could not speak

and my eyes failed

I was neither living nor dead

and I knew nothing

Looking into the heart of light. The silence. 

Shantih, shantih, shantih. 

What I Read: The Virgin Suicides

"And it was then Cecilia gave orally what was to be her only form of suicide note, and a useless one at that, because she was going to live: 'Obviously, Doctor' she said, 'you've never been a thirteen year old girl.'"

Why I read it: I finally got around to reading The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides after loving the movie for years.  I will never forget the first time I watched the movie (warning...this story is REAL real). I was with my friends Robyn, Meaghan, and Alycia and I had just gotten back to campus from singing at a friend's funeral.  Yes, my friend from youth group had recently committed suicide and the family had asked me to sing.  Of course I said yes, and the whole experience was incredibly surreal.  I returned to school the same day, emotionally exhausted and in a strange haze.  I didn't even process the fact that this was the DVD we were popping in for movie night (you'd think the title alone would make my ears perk up). Needless to say, the moment Cecilia is successful and the camera cuts to her bird-boned body skewered on the fence post, a wave of nausea overtook me and I begged my friends to switch movies.  Thankfully, we did (for those curious, we decided to go with the CLASSIC..."Lestat".  Always a winner. Always a solid choice.). A few weeks later I borrowed the movie, got through it, and actually loved it because I am sick and twisted and adore things like this (also so what if I have a strange obsession with Kirsten Dunst?!)...AAAANYWAY. 

What I loved: There's a very specific strain of pop culture that just...SPEAKS TO ME for whatever reason and that is coming of age stories.  I can't and never will get enough of them. I mean we can reference the obvious here: Spring Awakening is my life, liberty, and my pursuit of happiness, thank you, good night. I have read How I live Now so many times that my copy is falling apart and I can quote entire pages. Even though I'm 23, I find myself binge watching Dance Academy on Netflix.  I could write a freaking dissertation on it but I think the reason I love these stories is that everyone goes through this period in their lives. It connects us as a species. Everyone knows what it is like to be a teenager/young adult struggling to find yourself in the midst of all the bullshit.  Everyone looks back on their teens/early twenties and thinks to themselves "wow, why did I make such a big deal out of that?!" But THAT'S THE THING...It is a big deal.  That's what I loved about this book and other coming of age stories that end tragically.  They are honest. They don't apologize for the fact that, yea when you're an adult, being overprotected and under-appreciated by your parents isn't the end of the world, but when you are a teenager, it can be a matter of life or death.  And that's OK!! As long as we're willing to realize it and make sure the future generations are given the opportunity to express themselves in healthy ways. 

There are definitely other things I loved (don't mind me going off on a rant about puberty. I'm a special kind of special): the fact that it was told from the neighborhood boys' point of view, their growing obsession and fascination with the girls, and the beautiful imagery throughout. 

Why you should read it:

-If you are a human who is passed the threshold of puberty: If this applies to you, CONGRATULATIONS, you had a triumphant teenage experience.  Sure, you were probably harassed by a bully, embarrassed by your peers, and pressured by your parents...but you lived, didn't you?  And that is a TRIUMPH.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Oh, and then read this book so you know what it's like when people don't get through it alive.  

-If you, like me, love slightly twisted things that make your skin crawl: The descriptions in this novel are so honest that you have to wonder if something exactly like this didn't happen to Eugenides himself. 

-If you are a parent: It's a good case study in what not to do. 

Keep reading, pretty people! <33 

Right Place, Right Time - The HIMYM Finale

"Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother..."

Well, we did it.  We made it through the finale of How I met Your Mother.  If you know me at all, or even if you've just been reading this blog for a few weeks, you know that I have  DEEP LOVE for this show.  I also have a DEEP LOVE for themes, so of course I went all out.  I was equal parts excited and scared for last night's hour long episode, and now that I've watched it twice through, slept on it, woke at my usual insomniatic hour and had nothing to do but ponder it extensively...I have much to say.  So here we go...hey, why else do I have this thing, anyway?!

There were things I loved, things I accepted as inevitable, and things I (unfortunately) loathed.  I am very easy to please when it comes to things I already love.  I often say "you could put anything on stage, but if you call it Spring Awakening and there is a song in there that sounds like 'My Junk', chances are I will love it." I knew no matter what, if it was about the gang, if there were scenes at McLaren's, and if Ted actually got around to meeting the mother, I would love it no matter what.  Because it's the show! AND THE SHOW'S THE THING!

HIMYM cocktails, complete with a yellow umbrella!

To prepare for the emotional rollercoaster I knew I was in for, I did some stress baking (Sumbitch cookies), made sure the cocktails were flowing (The Pineapple Incident - pineapple rum, pineapple juice, and grenadine), and whipped up enough delicious bar food for the whole gang, Tracy included.  I made these onion rings, these spicy wings, and served it all with vegan ranch, celery, and carrots.  I. LOVE. THEME. FOOD.

I was all set to go, and honestly I was quite excited to see what the writer's  had in store for us.  They had been promising a twist, after all. For some time now I've been predicting that in the future the Mother has died, and Ted is making sure she lives on for his kids through his stories. In some masochistic way, I longed for that ending.  I would be satisfied with that ending.  I would relate to that ending.

The episode started off great.  I absolutely loved the flashback scene to the pub, with the actors struggling to settle back in to their younger days: Lily's eager, slightly annoying season one voice, Robyn's more awkward screen presence, and a palpable question of what's to come.  It was a beautiful moment, all of them truly accepting Robyn into the group.  And what was more beautiful was the moment in the present, when we saw that particular story coming full circle.  Barney did sleep with Robyn...and it was legendary!  So legendary, that he married Sparkles herself.  The whole thing reminded me why I love the show so much...only to have the post-wedding bliss ripped away from me a few moments later. BUT we're focusing on the positives here, right?  Gosh, I loved seeing Ted and the Mother together.  Every single time they were on screen I had a huge, dopey smile on my face and a track in my head saying "I hope to some day have a love like that!!"  They were perfect for eachother!  They were soulmates!  A kind of love that should transcend life and death!  They finished eachother's...SANDWICHES. I loved their nontraditional story line - having babies then getting married, yet making it work because it was right for them.  Every time we have seen them together this season I have squealed like a little girl (yes, I am one, but you get the point). Every time I wanted to scream at the screen "This is it Ted, you did it!  It was all worth it! Everything happens for a reason!  She is your reason!" That scene on the platform? Perfection, Tracy McConnell. Perfection.

And then...things started to slowly...fall...apart.

First of all, why Swarkles...WHY?!  We watched both Barney and Robyn evolve throughout season nine and prepare themselves for an unlikely but beautiful marriage.  We saw them recite vows. We cried with joy when they both went through with it.  Then, poof. Divorced.  Oh, ok. Bye Robyn?

I kind of saw the gang falling apart coming.  It's just a fact of life and one that I feel I have prematurely dealt with from living in 4 different states in one year.  It's hard to keep up with people, even your best friends.  That didn't bother me as much as...some things.

La Vie en Rose...

Alright, I have to talk about it.  Buckle your seatbelts.  THE ENDING. The last 10 minutes of the show that felt like all of Marshall's slaps combined. As I said before I was ready for a sad ending for Tracy - the mother who through the years I have also fallen in love with.  Even though we hadn't met her until the end of season 8, I was already rooting for their relationship 110%.  Then throw in someone as charming and endearing as Cristin Milioti, who plays the ukulele for Christ's sake...I am going to be obsessed with her.  On top of that make sure she and Josh Radnor have amazing chemistry and are ADORABLE...guys I love the Mother, ok?  I love the fact that he had to go through all the wrong stuff to get to the right stuff.  I love that they met on the train platform, and that they had two beautiful children, and I (in some weird way) even love that she got sick and died.  But like...what the heck did she die of?  What was her dying wish?  Was it sudden? I'm just going to go there...I'm going to play this card because it is my God given right. I'm playing the DEAD DAD CARD (bum, bum, BUM!).  I'm calling bullshit on the ending.  First of all, the Mother was just kind of thrown away there.  Oh she got sick and died, brb gotta go get a blue french horn for the girl I spent 9 years getting over and letting go.  There was a whole grieving process he had to go through even before he met Tracy. I also personally never wanted a Ted/Robyn endgame.  We all have a Robyn.  A thing in our lives that seems so perfect but at the end of the day just doesn't fit. I appreciated this show teaching us that difficult but honest lesson. But you know who did fit? THE MOTHER. The kids said it had been six years and at first I found myself thinking "whoa that is so long, so much must have happened!" but then while sleep was eluding me last night it hit me like a ton of bricks that at the end of this month, it will have been 11 YEARS since my father passed away.  Would I tell my mom to go for it?  Absolutely not.  I'm also a stubborn stinker who thinks her Dad was the best thing to ever happen to this earth so good luck finding someone better, BUT I DIGRESS. Mainly the reason the ending got to me was the fact that we have been going through Ted's relationships and unrequited love, feeling his heartbreaks, and accepting his Robyn relapses because we knew there was a beautiful yellow umbrella at the end of the tunnel.   In my perfect world, Ted would have finished the story with the train station scene, then cut to her tombstone where we would finally learn her name.  The last image would be the five original friends, sitting in their usual booth, toasting the life Tracy had, and the life they have yet to live.  The stories they have yet to experience and one day pass on. The ultimate lesson of the show would be friendship.

Oh look, it's Robyn and Tracy.  They are besties and not dead. I love my dream world!

This makes me sound like I hate Robyn, but I don't...I actually love and relate to Robyn so much it sometimes shocks me (it helps that she is literally the same person as Robyn Novak, my best friend and soulmate forever and ever amen). I just feel a bit tricked, is all. Do I still love this show? Absolutely.  Will I still binge watch it via Netflix? Absolutely.  Will I end the last episode after Ted and Tracy meet at the train station, making this show truly about how Ted met the Mother? ABSOLUTELY.