Passing the Torch

*Bob Saget Voice* Kids, in the fall of 2013, I wrote a song called "Black or White". 

I love writing songs more than I love doing most things.  I love rushing home from work because I thought of a melodic line and a snippet of lyrics and if I don't get it down on paper that moment it might be gone forever. I love sequestering myself in my room and scribbling as fast as I can and strumming until it sounds right.  I love when I think of a perfect word that flawlessly conveys what I want to say.  I love when everything clicks into place.  For a while, I thought that was my favorite thing and my favorite feeling.  That was a high I thought could never be topped.  And then...we started rehearsing "Full" for the first time.  

I've now done this show...a few times.  Every time we start rehearsals and we add more people into our family, Blake and I take a few days to teach the music to the cast.  Once they have the music in their bodies and I hear them take ownership of the songs I experience something I (who I consider to be pretty okay with words) will always have trouble describing.  But let's just say that that is my very favorite feeling in the entire world.  When I first started writing the show, it was never my intent to be in it and it was definitely never my intent to play Harper, the lead role.  So when I joke that I wrote the role for myself, I actually didn't.  I never pictured myself on that stage.  This autumn, Blake High School is doing a production of the show and it is the first time I am not playing the role (aka not leaving the stage for 2 hours and going through the entire spectrum of emotions I experienced over the 5 years of my disorder and singing my heart out and crying tears of joy as I reluctantly but hopefully leave the stage as the final chord sounds).   I think the main reason I never cast anyone else in the role is because it's a lot to ask of a person.  It's a lot to take abuse from Emily for two whole acts and then somehow find the strength to belt out "Black or White" after everything else is falling apart around you.  Trust me.  I've done it a few times now.

On Thursday I had the honor of accompanying Emma, who is playing Harper at Blake at a cabaret performance of "Black or White".  It actually might have been the first time I've only played the music without singing along, and once again I experienced my favorite feeling on earth.  I love singing my music.  It's mine.  No one can take that away from me.  But I love sharing it even more. Hearing others take my songs and make them their own.  Taking ownership of the words and melody and finding truth in them from their own journeys. These are my songs, but they are also yours.

Peace, Love, and Colors ALL around,
KT <33

I know that there is so much more...

Outside there are choices

Colors, warmth, and giving.

If I could just get out there I'd be very good at living. 

I started writing "FULL" last October after a particularly trying day of treatment.  I was walking home and images, sounds, and lyrics filled my brain.  I fell asleep writing that night.  I don't care what higher power you ascribe to, but I know at that moment I was experiencing something divine that I never had before.  It was like ideas were pouring out of me and I couldn't move my pen or strum my ukulele fast enough.  Monday night, with the help of some of my best friends in the entire world, I was able to share my creation for the first time. 

I have been having trouble truly putting the experience I had on Monday into words, but I will say it was one of the best nights of my life so far.  The love I felt inside that room was unlike anything I have ever felt.  And that is because of all of you.  For helping me write this story, for your interest and kind words, for your support, and for your excitement...thank you will never be enough.  And the most exciting part?  This is just the beginning!!  Monday night was the first reading.  In the words of Harper: "This is not the final page, I know that there is so much more."  Yes, "FULL" is my story...but it is also everyone's story.  Everyone has a demon that they have to fight.  Everyone is the hero of their own story. 

Kelly -- Thank you for pushing me to do this.  Your support and love has been everything to me and it's because of you that I really dove into this with both feet.  I could not have done it without you...and not in a creepy Emily way, in a you are the best and a total badass way. 

Taylor, Susan, Jim, and Miriam -- The love I have in my heart for you is indescribable. I could not have asked for a better group of people to present this story!  Thank you for holding me up. So...next step Broadway?  Great. 

Matt, Eric, and Jim -- Thank you SO MUCH for letting me do this.  I am so honored to be a part of the freeFall family.  

There is no rest for the obsessive...bring on the rewrites!!! 

<333

Gained.

There are a lot of horrifying moments in recovery.  To count them all would be impossible.  Moments of shame and humiliation.  There are moments you wake up so hungry that you feel like a feral child and find yourself sitting in front of an open fridge eating ketchup out of a bottle.  There are moments you turn on the faucet in the bathroom so no one hears you getting the scales out of the closet.  There are moments you look down at your plate and realize that you actually ate that fear food...and now what??

The hardest moments for me happen in the morning, when I have to shower and get dressed.  Even though I know it's physically impossible, it often feels like I have SURELY gained 20 pounds overnight. Putting on pants that I haven't worn in a few weeks is like summitting a mountain. Looking at my arms is like facing a tank of poisonous snakes.  I think I could take my body filling out any day over my face, but then there are moments when I think the opposite.  Taking pictures is actually torture, and yet I feel this strange pressure to take them and LIKE THEM.  Why?!  Why do I do this to myself?!  I could very easily just not allow people to take my picture, and not take any of myself...I'm still trying to crack this mystery.

ANYWAY, I have definitely gained weight.  I don't know how much because I hid my scales after about a week in April when I was obsessively checking.  Like multiple times a day.  Numbers are my biggest OCD trigger, and so for whatever reason for a week I was weighing myself about 5 times a day.  Again, WHY?!

The thing about gaining weight in recovery is that our brains are SO used to it feeling like a failure that it is extremely hard to view it as a victory.  That is why I try to focus on other things I have gained that are definitely victories.

I have gained...

-Brain space: sometimes it amazes me how much better I am able to focus on things. True story...there are full performances of Spring Awakening that I can't remember because I was so preoccupied with disordered thoughts.  Good thing I knew the show well...

-Healthier hair: My prrrrrecious.

-Friends: I am more open to new friendships and just easier to be around.  I don't cancel plans, I make them.

-Freedom to be my true extroverted self: I am so over pretending I'm an introvert.  My disorder is an introvert. KT is an outspoken, loud, extroverted, choir kid, musical theatre fangirl who makes no apologies for loving the CRAP out of everything.

-Strength and flexibility: It's so weird, when you starve yourself your body doesn't work.

-Vocal range and power: I love belting.

I have gained so much in recovery.  Every day is a new challenge and a new battle, but I will continue to be a warrior and fight the negative voices in my head telling me that gaining happiness is somehow a failure.  That somehow I don't deserve it.  Because we ALL deserve to be happy, and we shouldn't settle for anything less. 

Books = Friends

I often joke that I love books more than I love people.  You know that's not true (especially if you are the receiver of my fangirl ways...oh wait...that's literally everyone on the planet) but I really, REALLY love books.  They are such a huge part of my life, and I am so thankful for my parents for raising me to always be reading.  I carry at least one book with me wherever I go because I am also chronically early for things.

People often ask me "how do you find time to read?" Um...I make time.  Because it is something I find enjoyable and it brings me more happiness than almost anything in the world!  If I didn't read, I would be miserable! The other night, we had some cast bonding time and were asking each other hypothetical questions about being stuck on a deserted island.  The question of "what book/series would you want with you?" arose.  At first I panicked, because that is like choosing a child to me.  I...I...Can't I bring them all?!  It got me thinking about my favorite books of all time and what I would recommend to people who don't inherently find themselves stuck in a book.  I am often asked for reading recommendations and I love lists soooo...this happened:

KT's Top Ten Books/Series - Fall time is a perfect time to READ!!  Get a book, make some tea, and escape to somewhere amazing.

1. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

This classic is my top, number one, favorite book of all time.  If you haven't read it, just do yourself a favor and join the millions of fans in the world.  If you have read it, take a second trip to Maycomb, Alabama!  You will not be disappointed either way.  I have read this book countless times, and was fortunate enough to bring the story to life in college.  Playing Mayella is one of my very favorite memories from NKU, and there is a reason this story is a classic.  You can find something new and discover another facet of the story every time you read it.

2. Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

I love Neil Gaiman. I have read all of his books and yet I always have to find where they are in every bookstore I ever enter.  Why?!  Why do I do this?!  I honestly don't know.  Good Omens is my favorite thing he has ever written.  It is hilarious, and creepy, and beautiful, and breathtaking, and terrifying.  Get ready for apocalyptic, angel of death REALNESS.

3. The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien

This is what I chose to bring with me if I were to be stranded on that hypothetical deserted island.  Yes I chose the whole trilogy (the rule was book OR SERIES, OKAY?!). I just...I just love LOTR so much. I can't even really put it into words (real eloquent, KT). You have all probably seen the movies (I may or may not have chosen those for the movies I could bring with me on the deserted island too), but if you are looking for something to read and you enjoy fantasy in any way, please do yourself a favor and just begin the delightful journey through Middle Earth.

4. How I Live Now by Meg Rosoff

Sigh...This. Book. I have read this book over 50 times and I really wish I was exaggerating.  It's a quick read and at this point I can just read it in a few hours.  It's my ultimate comfort book, because I connect with Daisy more than any other literary character EVER.  It's very YA, so proceed with that in mind.   Once I emailed Meg Rosoff, and she provided me with an insight that became one of my every day affirmations - "People with eating disorders are just hungry for life, if we can only realign our hunger." 

5. Harry Potter by JK Rowling

I mean....do I really need to say anything?

6. The Giver by Lois Lowr

In my HUMBLE opinion, the best YA novel to ever exist.  A classic, as far as I'm concerned.

7.  The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

People are often surprised at how much I adore this book, but I will defend it to the death.  If you need a feel good, every thing happens for a reason, every end is the beginning, insert cliche positive affirmation here, pick up a copy of this.  If you're ready for some ugly crying, pick up a copy of this.  If you need a reminder that life is amazing and that you matter, pick up a copy of this.

8. Wild by Cheryl Strayed

I have written a review of this book here. Strayed's journey of self discovery is just incredible, and I love the honesty and brutality...which makes the payoff all the better in the end.

9. The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff

My strange obsession : Fundamentalist Mormonism. Seriously, talk to me about it please.  This quote sums it up best: "Happiness is a risk, and Mormon Polygamy is full of gamblers, leading lives of purpose and drama, all the things I want in my own life."

10. The Mammy, The Chisellers, and The Granny by Brendan O'Carroll

You can blow through this trilogy in three days at MOST.  You won't want to put down this Irish family tale and you'll fall so in love with the characters that you'll feel like part of the family.  As you read about their struggles and triumphs, you will likely shed a happy tear as you watch the children grow and pass on the familial love to the next generation.

What are you reading?  I'd love to know YOUR top ten!!  Happy reading!

August Self Care Challenge

August has been treating me pretty well so far.  I moved into my new tiny home, I went to opening night of an amazing show, I was visited by dear friends, and every day I am actually (but like actually) happier and happier that I decided to make the permanent move to St. Pete. 

I have 2 really bad habits that I am constantly working on, and they go hand in hand.  I am very hard on myself, but at the same time I put on a front that I am constantly happy.  I have made humongous strides with both of these things.  In every place I have lived prior to St. Pete, anyone would assume I was the "happiest girl in the world" (direct quote), and there were times where I was incredibly happy!!  But there were also times where I was in my head verbally abusing myself, and then dealing with it by posting super positive statuses for the world to see.  I look back on that time with confusion and sadness, but I know I'm not the only one who does this.  Even my therapist chuckled heartily when I said one of my goals for treatment was "100% self love." To which she replied, "You're even a perfectionist in therapy...no one in the entire world loves themselves 100% of the time.  We do what we can, and when we can't, we figure out how to get through it. Stop being so hard on yourself." 

In order to take care of myself, I have to be able to be surrounded by people I love, being able to do what I love, in a community that I love.  Check, check, and check!  

The main reason I chose to come here and then stay here happens to be exactly what I wanted to post about: self care.  I obviously don't have a good track record for it, and once I realized how many of my behaviors were actually self harm, I honestly got quite overwhelmed.  I would never treat another person like that, so why am I treating myself like that?!  I loved being in New York, but I couldn't take care of myself.  The place I went for treatment was amazing, but I was constantly exhausted, had to work all the time in order to make rent and pay for therapy, was walking everywhere (not ideal when you're supposed to NOT EXERCISE), and just wanted to quit.  Quite frankly, I was getting worse.  I knew I couldn't sustain it, so I left.  It felt a whole lot like giving up at the time, but looking back, I was making the smart decision.  

I'm a very goal oriented person, so I decided that this month my personal goal would be self care.  I found this challenge on tumblr which gives you an incredibly easy task to do.  I've been doing well on it, and I'm excited that today's goal is something I do every day anyway (YOGA!!  I hate going a day without spending time on my mat).  I hope some of you all will join me in this challenge...whether you follow this particular list, or make your own.  In society, self love is often viewed as self indulgence, when really you're just taking care of the most important person in the world - YOU. 

Happy August! 

God, I hope I get it!

Look at all the people....at all the people....

how many people does he need?!

I'll be the first to admit that auditioning is hard and unnatural.  We, as actors, prepare for weeks: drilling the same 16 bars over and over (only to get it cut down to 8 five minutes before we walk in), driving hours to a specific open call, spending exorbitant amounts of money on pictures of our heads which will probably get thrown away, and waiting around all day in order to sing for at most 90 seconds.  Why would anyone go through that?! And yet we keep doing it, like the crazy masochists we are.  

People who aren't in the industry often marvel at the idea of a cattle call audition, but to us, it's just part of the deal.  We can all agree that they are pretty awful, but I have found in my experience that it's really all about how you approach it.  A few days ago, I found myself at the open call for "Finding Nemo" at Disney World. There were SO many people there.  I'm not sure the exact number but I know there were over 300 people at least.  

I love auditioning.  I LOVE IT SO MUCH, and I'm NOT just saying that to trick myself into believing it.  I really do love it.  It gives me an adrenaline high and gets my blood pumping!  I love the chase...but strangely enough, I am not a competitive person, which is why I think I can deal with the oddity that is big auditions.  The hundreds of people all around me are not my competitors, they are just people!  We are all in this together, so why not make it at least a little fun for ourselves?  How about we don't play the comparison game because it's pointless. How about we do talk to eachother about things beyond the "fluff" category of conversation.  How about we stop being fake to one another?  If you need to be quiet and not talk to anyone around you, please just smile and shake your head when I ask you if you watch "How I Met Your Mother" because OMG that guy over there looks exactly like Marshall!!!  I won't be offended...I'm just excited to be here.  

I could get upset about the fact that I only have 60 seconds to belt my face off.  I could be annoyed that the producers asked to hear only 8 measure of music (what can you show in that?!  Gaaaah!!).  I could be anxious about the fact that I could be asked to leave based solely on what I look like.  But you know what?  For that minute, or half a minute, or 10 seconds that the director is looking my way, I am performing my one woman show.  I am singing and I love singing more than anything in the entire universe. 

And so what if someone behind the table doesn't look up, or they aren't interested, or they don't call me back?  I got to perform today!  And isn't that the whole point?  

It's easy to get down on ourselves when we keep pounding the pavement and hear nothing back from directors.  It's hard, it's exhausting, and it makes us want to quit...but a very special fish once told me to "just keep swimming." 

We get by with a little help...

I've gotten many requests over the past few weeks to do a post about being a supportive friend/family member/loved one to an individual struggling with or recovering from an eating disorder.  I'm not going to lie, I've been putting it off because I want it to be perfect...it is so important!! Before we go any further though, I need to emphasize that first and foremost, those suffering from ED's need professional treatment.  This is advice for those of you who are around these individuals on a day to day basis.  While it is incredibly important for you to be supportive, it is even more important that your friend or family member is on a guided road to recovery with professionals holding them accountable.  It is not your job to be their therapist, but you can still have an extremely positive effect.  So let's begin, shall we?

Friends. They're doing it right. 

Don't make comments about their body - even if you think it's a compliment. 
No matter what you say, it will be the wrong thing.  "You've gained weight!" is the wrong thing.  "Don't worry, you're still skinny!" is the wrong thing. "You're looking healthier!" is the wrong. thing. I know what you're thinking...these are all compliments and you mean them as a good thing or a sign of progress.  But it doesn't matter.  ED's can't help taking whatever you say about our changing bodies and twisting it into something horrible.  Just don't talk about the physical...AT ALL!! That's the whole point!  Try something like "You have so much more energy these days!  You're bright, bubbly personality is so great!"  or "You seem so much happier!" These are things I will never get sick of hearing.  (I will however, never turn down a compliment on my hair)

Don't bring up your own diet or exercise plans, struggles, or advice. 
Recovery is a bitch, I'm just going to say that right now.  You want to know the main reason it's a bitch?  because the entire UNIVERSE is fixated on diet and exercise.  You can't escape it.  I found this post on tumblr that really says it best: "If I had to describe an eating disorder, I would resemble it to a drug addiction. Now, imagine a drug addict trying to quit in a society that’s advertising new drugs while promising amazing highs all over the internet, on YouTube, Facebook, in TV, on the bus passing you right as you’re battling yourself whether to get your fix or go straight home. A society in which you can barely have a conversation without drugs being mentioned; how many you did yesterday, how amazing it felt, which drugs you want to try next. Surrounded by the mentality that it’s embarrassing, weird, lazy, even a sin not to do drugs." So please for the love of GOD...don't tell me about the cleanse you want to do.  Don't tell me about what you did at the gym yesterday.  Don't ask me what I do to stay skinny.  And don't you DARE come to me when you feel "bad" about eating that slice of cake.  I will punch you in the face. Just eat. the. damn. cake. 

Extreme Hunger is fun!  8 servings, my ass.  One and DONE.

Administer compliments and encouragement about their actions. 
This is important.  Throughout recovery, being told I "look better" has unfortunately been triggering.  I can't explain it...I really wish I could, but I can't.  "Healthy" is annoyingly a very triggering word. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this, though!  I do respond incredibly well, however, to people telling me "good job" when I have done something.  Let's face it, we all love to be praised -  You did a great job on a painting YAY!  You won a board game YAY! You took a nap YAY!  You went out with friends DOUBLE YAY!

Don't focus on what/how much they are eating. 
This is a major one I personally struggle with.  I hate people watching me eat and asking me what I'm eating.   Just ask Robyn (I have complained to her so much for people asking me "Is that...A SANDWICH?!"). My sass comes out in full force when people ask me if I'm eating an apple when it is CLEARLY AN APPLE I'M HOLDING IN MY HAND.  JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! *deep breath* Because of this, people struggling with ED's tend to isolate themselves at meal times.  I have made major strides with this, but it still causes me intense anxiety when people comment.  Just the other day at a cookout attention was drawn to me and my plate, and although I'm sure no one else there even remembers the incident, I have gone over it about a million times in my head, and probably could have started crying on the spot.  So just like...find other topics of conversation.  There are so many! Music, movies, nature, the German Football team, corgis, and astrology - just to name a few. 

Don't assume it's just a phase, just about "being thin", or just an intense diet. Don't downplay the severity of this disorder.  DON'T insinuate that they are "lucky" for getting to eat more now that they're recovering. 
Eating Disorders are severe mental disorders that can have fatal affects.  Anorexia didn't come into my life because I wanted to be skinnier or because I wanted to lose a few pesky pounds. I have always been a lil nug.   I struggle with depression, anxiety, and OCD, as do the majority of people suffering from ED's. It is an irrational disorder and can make us do weird things. Don't tell us to "snap out of it" or to "just eat a cheeseburger".  I would have given anything to just "snap out of it" a year ago when I was in my room pacing back and forth because my ED wouldn't leave me alone.  I would love nothing more than to just chow down on a cheeseburger in the middle of the day with no guilt. It's not that easy.  Just let them know that you are here if they need you.  If they don't reach out to you specifically, don't push the subject.  That might not be how they cope, they might want to not talk about it, or you might be a triggering presence.  If you are, please don't take offense...just let it be.  They will come to you when they're ready.   

The most important thing about being a good friend to a person struggling with ED is to be there for them in whatever capacity they need. If they talk about it, great.  If they very clearly don't want to talk about it, also great. Don't overstep your boundaries, they will let you know what they need at that moment.  Remember what I said at the beginning - you are not their therapist. I'm really sorry that it's not "fair" that your compliment is triggering or it causes them to feel bad even though it had good intentions.  You know what else isn't "fair"?  Having an eating disorder.  Just make sure to keep the positive vibe flowing.  Love them, so that they can learn to love themselves.  

Bad Thoughts, Be Gone!!

As everyone has been able to see by my shiny new Instagram, life is pretty good these days.  I am in the middle of a show that I could do for the rest of my life and be perfectly content.  My mom (who also happens to be the best person in the world) came to visit me last week and we had a blast.  I've been making lots of recovery wins, and it's been weeks since my last panic attack.  And yet, bad thoughts decided that yesterday would be a great time to start swirling around my head.  Emily was trying her best to bring me down...little did she know that I now have an arsenal of tactics to battle that pesky negative self talk.  I know that everyone has their demons that bring you down when you least expect it...so I would like to share my strategies, and hopefully they will be able to help YOU whenever you are feeling down.  Because bad thoughts are...

1. Talk back - This is the number one strategy that also seems too simple to be a solution.  But I promise, once you start doing it, it changes everything!  You're going to feel extremely silly at first, but once you make this a habit, you are going to wonder how you ever let the negative self talk run in your head without talking back.  You would never let someone talk to another human being like that without saying something, would you?  As corny as it is, go into the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell your bad thoughts NO.  You don't have time for them today, this week, this month, EVER.  You have too many important things to do and you can't have the bad thoughts compromise you in any way!  You are worth so much more than that! 

2. Identify the trigger - There were a few things yesterday that could have sent me into a relapse only a few months ago, but I have gotten pretty good at taking myself out of the situation and objectively figuring out why I feel triggered and why I want to revert back to bad or unhealthy behaviors.  There were people putting unneeded pressure on me, I was wearing a new outfit that showed off my body, and I probably hadn't eaten enough (*Recovery hack: when you feel like you want/need to restrict, you actually need to eat.  The brain chemistry gets thrown off with restriction so you crave it more the hungrier you get.  It's so messed up). After you lay out these things for yourself as FACTS, you realize how silly they are and how easy they will be to overcome.  

3. Surround yourself with people you love - Luckily this is very easy for me to do these days, but I can't stress how important this is for anyone going through a rough day.  You are totally going to want to isolate yourself, but try not to!  You don't have to go out to Georgie's for LIT Thursday (although I highly recommend it), but even something as simple as going out to get a cup of coffee with a friend or calling a relative can totally turn your day around. I could have very easily finished the show last night, gone home, dicked around on Tumblr for a few hours, and gone to bed still in a sour mood.  But instead, I decided to live my life with the people that make me happiest.  Smart decisions. 

4. Find what you love doing most in the world....AND DO IT - It doesn't matter what it is.  You love snuggling up with your kitty and reading a trashy novel?  Sounds lovely!  You love kickboxing until your knuckles bleed?  Sounds cathartic!  You love watching movies, or baking brownies, or organizing all the files in your house, or dancing at a club, or kayaking, or belting your face off?!  YASSSS!!!  I don't care what it is, just figure out how to do whatever you love doing MOST. Do what makes you the happiest version of yourself there is.  Do something that no one can tell you you're bad at.  Once again, I am so incredibly lucky to be able to do what I love most in the entire world for a living.  You better believe Frances was feeling FEISTY last night! 

5. Ask for help - This might be the most important thing I have learned in my journey to 100% KT Berger.  No one is ever going to feel better stewing in their own bad thoughts without a little help from their friends (cue Beatles music).  If you're anything like me, at first you are going to feel like a burden, but you will be surprised how much the people around you want to help.  I was feeling the love so intensely last night after simply putting out in the universe that Emily was getting to me and I could use some support.  Before the show after I told everyone "I will hold you up" (a tradition I learned from The Commonweal <33) I asked them to hold me up because I was in a bad place mentally.  I've never felt more taken care of.  And I want everyone reading this to know that I will hold you up WHENEVER you need it.  You don't even have to ask.  But if you are struggling with negative thoughts...please let me know.  Please ask for help.  It is so worth it to feel the positive vibes streaming your way.  

We all have demons, we all have an "Emily", we all have a Burnt Part.  It doesn't matter what form they take...we can help each other through them. <33

Two Show Day.

Happy weekend everybody!!  I know what you're thinking..."But KT!! It's Monday!  Stop being cruel!"  True, it is Monday, but in the actor's world Monday is usually the start of our weekend.  On the flip side, our work week here at FreeFall is Thursday - Sunday.  While the rest of the world is wrapping things up at the office, putting the least amount of effort possible on Friday afternoon, checking their phones under their desks, and then going home to enjoy dinner with their families, we are gearing up to perform.  I've been asked if this reverse schedule is ever annoying ("I can't go out, I'll be in a show...") but honestly, I wouldn't change it.  I get to do exactly what I love most in the world for a living.  Plus, we get to relax, drink wine, and jam on Sunday evenings while the sun goes down.  Most of the world is setting alarms and dreading the next morning...

My very favorite day of the week is Saturday.  Why you ask?  It's a two show day!!  I get to play on stage with my favorite people not once but twice.  I've been asked a few times how we do it twice in one day...so come with me as I walk through a (favorite) day in the life!!  

My Saturdays generally start pretty late.  I try to sleep as late as I can so that I'm well rested for the day ahead.  Once I get up, I'll eat a late brunch like meal (I call it brunch as if I'm fancy or something...but really I just stuff my face with something slathered in peanut butter) and then head out to meet the boys at the office...aka Starbucks. 

Chris, Nick, and I will spend some quality time sipping iced coffee and doing whatever we need to do.  I generally catch up on blogging, journalling, working on my musical, reading, or checking out auditions in the area.  Before we know it it's time to head to the theatre for our first show of the day. 

One of my favorite things in life is getting to the theatre every day and having Daniel, our stage manager say "Welcome to work!"  It's such a simple thing but always puts me in such a great and happy mood! What's more, I love a matinee because I get to do my time honored tradition of the MATINEE MOLE!!  I learned this tradition from the Mark Hardy, and I will never do a matinee without one.

I also take a moment before each show to thank my body for everything it does for me.  This usually ends up being a moment of I LOVE MY HAIR LOOK AT THE BEAST GROWING STRONGER EVERY DAY. But seriously look at it.  God, I love recovery.

Then we do the show!!

This past Saturday was especially great because I was able to spend time in between shows with my MAMACITA aka my best friend aka the incomparable PAM! We went to Leafy Greens Cafe here in beautiful St. Pete...the perfect in between show fuel! 

Absolutely delicious!  We were raving about it for hours after we actually ate.  After fueling up, it's time to head back to FreeFall for show #2.  I take off my matinee mole and spend time reading in my dressing room, listening to Cameron and Joseph talk about me through the vent. #princessfrances. 

Time to climb that mountain again!!  

After two performances of this particular show, my body is definitely tired, but in the best way possible.  I once again thank it for everything it allows me to do and refuel it so that it continues to be healthy and strong.  As I've said before, this time one, two, or even three years ago, this show would have probably put me in the hospital.  The amount of singing it requires of me would have caused me to lose my voice, "Little Women" style.  Many notes in this score I was not even able to produce at the height of my disorder.  Being able to belt up to the rafters during the finale makes me happier than anything ever has. 

We spend 5 shows a week (we all wish it was more!!) telling this beautiful story.  We make connections with each other and the audience, giving it our all, and bearing our souls.  Saturdays are long but overwhelmingly gratifying, and after 5 emotional performances, we are able to kick back and watch the Florida sun set over the water. 

The life of a professional actress might seem strange to some, but it's my life, and I can say with all the honesty in my heart that I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Exactly.

There have been a few moments in my life where I have looked at myself, looked at the people around me, and looked at what I'm doing and have been exactly where I wanted to be.  Happy in every sense of the word, with no impulse or desire to change anything.

Opening night of "The Burnt Part Boys" was one of those moments.

I've done a lot of thinking and writing about happiness. I've also spent a lot of time pretending to be the happiest girl in the world when I was the most miserable I've ever been.  Since then I have learned that all  feelings are valid and should be expressed and felt, and lying about it will get you NOWHERE.  Real anger is good.  Real sadness is good. Real happiness is REALLY GOOD. In all of this reflection I have found that in order to be happy I need to be 100% me, connecting with the people around me with no isolation, and not allowing anything to compromise my ability to live in the moment.  Saturday night, the checklist was completely checked off.  I was doing what I love to do most in the world, at a theatre I am honored to call home, with the most amazing cast I've ever been a part of, connecting fully and intensely with the audience. I never once caught myself spiraling into negative or destructive thoughts.  I was truly focused and truly present. I was simultaneously 100% KT and 100% Frances and I was so overwhelmed with happiness I could barely even contain myself. 

And one thing is absolutely certain ... there was no sign, hint, or glimmer of Emily (ding, dong, the bitch is gone).  Honestly, I haven't heard from her in a while...and if that isn't a reason to celebrate with whiskey lemonade, bluegrass music, and photo-ops...I don't know what is.  

And then the game of "let's pose with KT but be shorter than her" started.  It was hilarious, I promise (thank you apple pie moonshine). 

This show means so much to me on so many levels.  I'm a huge believer that the universe knows what it's doing and it knew that in the past year some shit had to go down in order for me to be ready to do this.  I could seriously write a dissertation on Frances (*hides my extensive character journal...embarrassing*), and the thing that's so awesome about her is that she makes me feel STRONG.  I care about this show and our work so much that nothing else matters.  I am flabbergasted every day by how much brain space is freed up when the negative and guilty thoughts aren't there.  Jeez. I can fully commit myself to my craft and to the people around me who I love SO much.  THIS CAST AND CREW, MAN!! Ugh.  They blow me away every day. 

If you are able to, please come see "The Burnt Part Boys" at freeFall Theatre!! Tickets are going fast! You will not be disappointed.  The work these guys have done and continue to do will knock your socks off. 

(Production photos courtesy of Mike Wood!! He is a cool dude.) 

Beach Days, Beach Daze

Did I mention I love living here?

Don't worry, we rehearse too...

Today was one of my favorite days off ever.  Sunshine tired, ready for another 10 of 12 tomorrow, goodnight Neverland!! 

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