You Made This. I Am That.

This rehearsal process has been a whirlwind, but an incredible whirlwind.  Not only am I surrounded by insanely talented and inspiring people, but it has allowed me to take all of the hard and harrowing work I have done in recovery and put it into practice.  For more days than not in the past 8 months, I felt like this thing I was battling was putting me through the ringer, and that the reward wouldn't be worth it in the end.  I can now say that every tear, every scream, every step so far has been worth it.  I am not fully recovered...I am not going to try to kid myself there...but I am well on my way to becoming a success story.

One thing this show and this process has shown me is how truly amazing my body is.  After 4 years of beating myself up, this is somewhat of a new insight.  Every day I am astonished by how my (now much stronger) arms and legs can heave myself up into the jungle-gym like set Eric designed, how I can jump from a platform and not feel breakable, how I can sing the high notes that I lost at my lowest weight. I would have never been able to do this show last summer.  And 2 summers ago? Forget it, I would have gone to the hospital.  Because of this, I have gotten into the habit of thanking my body EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even when it's not 100% sincere.  I would like to share a poem inspired by this practice, which I hope will in turn inspire YOU to join me!

Thank you for forgiving me 

after years of tearing you down 

after years of ignoring your cries for help

tears of frustrating fueling my hatred 

feeling betrayed

while I was the one betraying you. 

I tried so hard to disappear 

to shrink to what I thought was an acceptable amount of space

to take up in the universe.

None at all.

When I was weak

I felt like a perfect china doll

a false smile painted on every brittle bone.

Little did I know

that china dolls break.

I never realized the unadulterated joy in feeling the vibrations created

by boots striking the earth

my own feet inside.

Never relishing in the moments of expansion...

How am I supposed to change the world

when the world has swallowed me whole?

I will swallow the world

and nurture it inside of me

just as my mother did with this inexplicable bundle of atoms

cobbled together with nothing but unconditional love.

I will wrap my strong arms around myself

just as my father held me tight

assuring me that I will never fall

I will only grow.

They made something precious

and strong

and imperfect

Something that can sing, and climb, and laugh, and feel

and expand.

They made something remarkable. 

I am that.  

I am. 

I encourage you to join me in my revolution of self love.  It is so much better than the alternative.  I can not say it enough.  Now let's open this show, shall we??

Beach Days, Beach Daze

Did I mention I love living here?

Don't worry, we rehearse too...

Today was one of my favorite days off ever.  Sunshine tired, ready for another 10 of 12 tomorrow, goodnight Neverland!! 

<33

March Madness

I promised myself on the last day of February, before I whispered "Lapin, lapin" at midnight, that March was going to be an awesome month.  I never have and never will be a huge fan of February.  It always kinda sucks.  So really, no matter what, I knew March was going to be better. True, it had it's lows.  My brain decided it would be fun to not let me sleep through the night once (4:30 am has become my witching hour. Every...single...night...awesome).  I had to go pick up my Mom from Northern Kentucky in the wee hours after she got in a horrible car wreck (she's fine, but the car is not). I'm still slogging my way through recovery and attempting to find total self acceptance.  But honestly, this month has been pretty great.  I feel like so much good happened that the bad is just a tiny blip on my radar. Now that the month is coming to a close, I can only imagine how epic April will be...

This month I was a Kentucky Rose with six other amazing young women.  I have loved getting to know them...they are all awesome people who I have no doubt will go far in life!

This month I got to celebrate!!

Not only was it the month of St. Patrick's day fun, but I also celebrated my Mom's birthday, the first day of Spring, and booking an awesome role!

This month I crafted...

...did lots of reading...

...explored...

...sang...

...and was reminded every moment how much music heals my soul and makes me happier than I can imagine.  

This month I had the night of my life at the KY Rose of Tralee Ball...

...and screamed with delight when I learned of the next role I will be playing!!

Here's to an awesome April. Angela and I are planning on having a pretty great one.  Don't forget to LAPIN LAPIN!  

<33

Overflow...

A video for your sunny Sunday!! 

These past few days have been amazing and so full of joy that my cup is positively overflowing with it. My brain is still buzzing from the Rose Ball last night...I'm seriously on cloud nine.  For those of you who were there, thank you so much for the support.  Singing "The Fields of Athenry", playing Angela, and hearing the entire room join me in the final chorus is a moment I will never forget, as long as I live. I will definitely do a post about the entire night in the next few days!  But for now, I'm still too overwhelmed and happy.  I'm smiling like a loon! 

In other exciting news, I can finally announce that I will be returning to St. Petersburg to perform in FreeFall Theatre's production of "The Burnt Part Boys"!!  I'll be playing Frances, that little urchin pictured above, and I probably couldn't be more excited if I tried.  Seriously, dream come true.  FreeFall is where I was in "Spring Awakening" last year, and I can't wait to get back and be part of the St. Pete family again.  

To the 2014 KY Roses, you ladies rock my socks off.  Especially Claire, the official Kentucky Rose!  You're gonna absolutely kill it in Ireland this summer.  My heart is bursting with love for Beth, Sarah, Jessica, and Marcus -  Y'all are my family (I seriously told people who asked if my family was there "Yea in the back, see those two girls and also the only two black people here?  That's my fam.")