Beach Days, Beach Daze

Did I mention I love living here?

Don't worry, we rehearse too...

Today was one of my favorite days off ever.  Sunshine tired, ready for another 10 of 12 tomorrow, goodnight Neverland!! 

<33

Thoughts on Happiness.

Happy Memorial day, friends!!  I hope you all are enjoying the day and the sunshine. I am safely in St. Pete, spending the day drilling lines so that I can feel completely prepared for rehearsal tomorrow!

I am currently reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.  I'm about half way through, and I have really enjoyed reading it thus far.  As someone who is on her own journey towards happiness, balance, and self discovery, there are aspects of the book I definitely identify with.  What's also great is her philosophy is one I ascribe to (even though I don't always follow it) - that happiness is a choice and something you have to work for...it's not just going to fall into your lap.  Her "12 commandments" and "Happiness Resolutions" got me thinking a lot about my own aspects of happiness - what makes me truly happy?

After giving it some thought and taking extensive notes (because I am Hermione Granger, nice to meet you), I came up with my own personal list.  I took some cues from Rubin herself, and created my own goals, cobbling together my own happiness project.

KT's Pillars of Happiness 

1. Be 100% KT Berger.
2. Let go, let flow.
3. Take control of what needs to be controlled.  As someone with an actual, diagnosed addiction to control, this is a very delicate balance.  The moment I decided to take control of my recovery and let go of my disorder, I felt a huge cosmic shift in my life.  I felt powerful, whereas the control I cultivated with my ED left me feeling weak and unhappy.
4. Fake it 'til you make it - Act the way you want to feel.
5. Allow yourself to rest. It is so important.
6. Give in to cravings of all kinds.  Not just food (but mostly food).  If you're craving some juicy yoga stretches, do them.  If you're craving a cathartic release, go scream and punch your pillow. If you're craving pizza...you know the answer.
7. Life is a journey, enjoy the process, and don't beat yourself up about relapses.
8. Be honest with your feelings and express them in a healthy, constructive way.
9. Be honest with the people around you.  Lying and fabricating only makes things harder in the long run.
10. Allow yourself to truly connect with others.
11. Don't worry if others are judging you for not "doing enough."  This is a hard one for me that I was forced to deal with a lot these last few months.
12. Do what fills your cup up with joy, and attempt to have fun with every task you're given.
13. BREAK RULES.  The rush that comes from defying Emily's voice is a high unlike any other!!
14. Celebrate EVERY. SINGLE. VICTORY.  No matter how small.
15. Take pride in your work.  You could be changing someone's life.

One of the most important things that brings me joy and happiness no matter what state I am in is to spend time with others.  For a long time I identified myself so intensely as a classic introvert, when if you really know me (especially if you knew me in high school) you KNOW that I crave connection.  It is my drug of choice!  Over the past few months I've really been working on bringing back those more extroverted parts of me, and while I still love hanging out in my room and reading into the wee hours of the morning, I'm so sick of isolating and alienating myself.  Spending time with friends rejuvenates me and thrills me, and I never regret hanging out (I do however, often regret staying at home and overthinking everything ever)!  As corny as it is...I love people.  Here are some of those people!!

Look at all those beautiful faces!! Jeez, I have the best friends.

What are some of the things that bring you joy and happiness? I'd love to know!

100 Reasons to Recover...

Often during recovery, bad thoughts and temptations get in the way and cloud your judgement.  When that happens, I look at this list...my 100 reasons to recover.  There are countless more that I discover every day, but this list always grounds me and makes me so happy to be alive. 

1. So I can be onstage and tell my story.

2. So that I can be there for my friends when they are struggling just like they have been there for me.
3. So I can be a positive role model.
4. So that I can help people.
5. So that next time I see my brother, I won't be relapsing like the last 2 times he came to visit. So he can see that I've actually made progress. That I am getting better. That I am taking charge of my life.  He can be proud of me and worry just a little less.

6. Because I deserve to love myself.

7.  So that my mom can stop worrying about her 23 year old, adult daughter. 

8.  So that I can stop having panic attacks about the panic attacks that I keep having in front of my sister.

9. So I can go long distance hiking, hopefully on the AT!! I want to conquer the trail, summit mountains, be a part of the wonder of nature, and NOT fall over backwards because my pack weighs more than I do.

10. So that I can travel the world.

11. Because I'M HILARIOUS.

12. Because I always...ALWAYS finish what I've started.

13. Because I always...ALWAYS stick to the plan. My plan is to recover. 

14. Because life is too short.

15. Brownies.

16. So I can go back to NYC, be an actress, party like a rockstar, and not want to just sleep constantly.
17. SINGING!!!
18. Angela.
19. So that I can play some more dream roles.
20. So that people look at me because I'm radiating with joy, not because they're worried about me.
21. So that I can make people smile.
22. So that I can learn new and exciting things with a fully functioning brain.
23. Because my smile is a beacon that needs to shine all the way to heaven to light the Mark World of Delight.
24. So that I can be on Broadway.
25. So that I can carry heavy things without falling down and having people laugh at me.
26. Pizza.
27. So that I can bake delicious treats and actually eat them with everyone at the same time.
28. So that I can finish my musical and share it with the world.
29. So that I'm not cold all the time.
30. MY HAIR!!
31. So that I can go out dancing.

32. So that I can go out drinking.

33. So that I can experience new and exciting foods from around the world.

34. So that I can be spontaneous!

35. So that I can order bar food and not feel guilty.

36. So I can write a book.

37. So I can meet my soulmate and fall in love. 

38. So I can be a mom and raise my children to love and accept themselves and others.

39. High notes.

40. Flexibility - both mentally and physically.

41. Recovery tattoo.

42. No more starvation brain fog.

43. No more lanugo.

44. No more awkward bruising.

45. Food anytime, anywhere, with anyone.

46. So I can go to Australia.

47. No more food lies.

48. No more fear of intimacy.

49. To enjoy holidays.

50. To not plan ahead.

51. To not live by rules, rules, rules.

52. So that I can create something amazing!

53. So that I can ride a bike for miles and miles and feel like I'm flying. 

54. To explore!

55. To make new friends. 

56. Orange Juice.

57. My voice in my brain and no one else's. 

58. Awkward ED humor.

59. So that I can be a motivational speaker and eventually speak on NKU's campus...preferably the theatre department...

60. So I can be a casting director.

61. So I never feel like I'm about to pass out while I"m driving. 

62. So my children can be disgustingly close with their cousins.

63. So my children can marry Robyn's children.

64. So I can be more and more like Shirley Temple (my queen) every day. 

65. There are a lot of books to read.

66. There are a lot of movies to see.

67. There are a lot of shows to watch.

68. So that I can eventually play Emily on stage and not be terrified.

69. Tap dancing.

70. Disney World.

71. Because I'm strong and people assume I'm weak...I love proving people wrong.
72. Because there are so many people in this world who deserve more but can't see it.  I want to show them that it's possible.
73. So that my story can have a happy ending.
74. Yoga.
75. Smoothies.
76. So I can make my Dad proud.

77. So that I can hike the Alps as an adult.

78. So that my siblings and I can grow old together and keep having fun.

79. So I can be in Beth's wedding.

80. So I can be in Robyn's wedding. 

81. So I can be in Sarah R's wedding.

82. So I can be in Jessica's wedding.

83. Because my Mom is the best ever and doesn't deserve this.

84. Because I have come so far already.

85. There are so many delicious treats to be nommed.

86. So I can have my own cat.

87. Because I want to make my children surprise lunches.

88. Because I want my musical to change someone's life for the better.

89. So I can speak/sing at NCYC. 

90. Panini Church

91. So I can go back and have a D-town day with Sarah and Carla.

92. Because everybody loves pie.

93. Because my family has been so supportive and wonderful.

94. Daffodils.

95. So I can go to the world cup and cheer on my boys.

96. So that I can free up all that brain space.

97. So that I never feel silent again.

98. Because I have so much to give to the world.

99. Because I've only just begun.

100.  BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE END OF MY STORY.

Cracks

Happy Monday, world!!  I would like to share with you a piece I wrote a few days ago. Let's not even pretend like this isn't a recovery blog...I started it very vaguely hoping that when I was ready I could morph it into a safe place where I could put my feelings about recovery, share my journey, and hopefully inspire and help people who are struggling with similar demons.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for allowing me to do that. Taking control of my recovery process has given me a high unlike any brain buzz my disorder ever allowed me. 

A picture of me. 100% Katie Berger. 2008.


 

Cracks.

You attempt to draw road maps back to the inciting action of your self-destruction, your therapist handing you the necessary sketching tools.  Surely there must be one great moment of trauma.  One villain forcing your hand and starving your mind.

You meticulously unpack suitcase after suitcase of emotional baggage.  Sorting through memories instead of sleeping.  Searching desperately for a cause.  Because if there’s a cause, there’s an enemy to fight against.  If there’s a cause, this will make sense.  If there’s a cause, you are once again in control…the very addiction you are trying to break.

After months of trading one obsession for the other, you start to realize the ugly, horrifying, truth.  There is no one moment.  There is no one plot twist, one gaping hole in the wall.  There are millions…millions of miniscule moments, looks, words, questions, feelings…each one contributing to tiny, microscopic cracks in your confident finish.  They span years.  The sight of the foreign language scrawled across your father’s neck from his radiation treatment, which you are unable to decipher but constantly reminds you that there are things unknown. The buzz in your brain the first time you throw away your uneaten home-made sandwich after working through your lunch period, opting instead to perfect your music theory assignments.  The look of shame and panic on your friend’s face as she shoves spoonful after spoonful of peanut butter into her mouth, the words “gym tomorrow, gym tomorrow, gym tomorrow” practically vibrating off of her skin.  The feeling of directors undressing you with their eyes, anxiously wondering how old you really look, even though you can’t order a glass of Merlot without being questioned (not that you would anyway).  The dozens of times you walked down the halls, hearing “frail” as the highest of compliments and “sickly” as the ultimate goal.  You steel yourself against it, having been raised to love yourself, exuding with worth, never falling prey to peer pressure.  But like any successful brainwashing, repetition is key, and before you know it you are the unspoken example of emaciation.  A demi-god of deprivation.  You hear whispers and shoot back dirty looks, high on the strange power you’ve cultivated, forming an addiction to the fact that you are the only one capable of the self-control they all so desperately yearn for.  Forming an addiction to loneliness.

These cracks are countless and overwhelming.  The task of piecing the broken shards back together seems absolutely impossible.  There’s no way you can find them all, let alone glue them into some semblance of normality.  You obsess (because that’s the only thing you know how to do anymore) over how to perfectly plaster over all of these pesky cracks, and just like when you discovered the seemingly neverending moments of destruction, you begin to uncover moments of creation as well.  Shockingly, the process is similar because they are so infinitesimal.  The feeling of your voice soaring above the same notes you were once too weak to sing.  The look a stranger gives you when you smile while passing, their focus on the hope in your eyes, their gaze never wandering down to your collarbone.  The sound of your coworker casually telling you how pretty you look, after spending and hour agonizing over the fact that surely your face has swollen to three times its normal size.  The mornings you wake up free of guilt, your brain buzzing – not from hunger fog, but with ideas.  These moments are the dabs of glue making the process of putting this puzzle back together possible.  Piece by piece the shell that was weak enough to break in the first place is cobbled together to form something that is so magnificent, so imperfect, so strong.  The bits of broken glass are slowly soldered back together, and when you step back, you don’t see a wall, a shell, a battlement.  You see a glorious stained glass window, and the light is unabashedly streaming through.

 

Getting there. Piece by piece.

"Through the cracks our voices rise..."