Permission

I'm really good at justifying other people's decisions.  I learned this skill after spending countless hours in high school, college, and theatres listening to people trying to justify what they were doing and then feeling guilty about it.  "It's tech week so I can have candy for breakfast, right?  RIGHT?  UGH I'M THE WORST. IT'S NOT EVEN CHEAT DAY!" First of all...don't even get me started on the phrase "cheat day". I find it insufferable and so disordered. But anyway, that would always be my cue to say something like "No, that's totally fine.  It's tech week you're allowed to do whatever you want."

But here's the secret.  Even if it's not tech week, even if you aren't having a bad day, even if you weren't "good" yesterday, even if you didn't go to the gym, even if you slept for 15 hours straight and then laid in bed until your cat peed on your face - you really can do whatever you want.  Whenever you want.  

I give you permission.

I give you permission to abandon food rules and go out with friends to a new restaurant, even if you were planning on making your own dinner.  I give you permission to not know what is on the menu before you go.  I give you permission to live in the moment. 

I give you permission to unabashedly cheer for your favorite sports team.  Even if it goes against your country of origin.  I give you permission to school guys about stoppage time and to decorate your bracket with pretty colors and stickers. I give you permission to live passionately. 

I give you permission to go out to a bar in the middle of the day and order a screwdriver and delicious fried food to soak up the alcohol. I give you permission to enjoy your Vitamin C with a little vodka thrown in.  I give you permission to put your feet up at a beach bar and relax the evening away. 

I give you permission to take selfies because you are having a good body image day. 

I give you permission to take a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day.  Rest is one of the most important things we can give our bodies.  I give you permission to TAKE A ENTIRE DAY OFF.  I give you permission to watch a whole season on Netflix and tear through a novel and spend a few hours on Tumblr. 

I give you permission to feel great about yourself.  Even if you aren't feeling it 100%.  I give you permission to walk around this earth like the human embodiment of perfection. 

I give you permission to be proud of yourself. 

I give you permission to start falling in love with yourself.  

 

Tummy Troubles.

Happy June!  I, for one, cannot believe it is already June 1st...I also can't believe that we open in less than 2 weeks (cast members, let's all just take a deep breath together).  I am having a blast here in Florida rehearsing for The Burnt Part Boys, and Frances is quickly becoming my favorite role I've ever played.

Pretty much everything about my first full week in rehearsal has been perfect except for one tiny thing...tummy troubles.  I'm gonna give you the option to STOP READING this post NOW if talk of gastrointestinal distress, bloating, and bowel movements freaks you out in anyway.  Just...click that handy little X.  BUT, I for one would be in much worse state of mind if there weren't people in the online recovery community who were annoyingly open and honest in sharing their experiences with recovery bloat and compromised digestive systems.  I would probably think I was dying...hell, I DID think I was dying last September when I was going through a particularly bad period of stomach stress.

SO - here it is.  While recovering from an ED, you're digestive system is absolutely going to freak out. You have been treating it very badly with whatever behaviors you used (restriction, bingeing, purging, etc.) and therefore, it is extremely compromised.  With anorexia, you have to be very careful in the refeeding process, or else you can experience what is known as "refeeding syndrome" which can have fatal effects.  No matter what though, you are going to experience recovery bloat. You are going to experience bouts of constipation (sometimes lasting for longer than a week...it's disgusting and uncomfortable) followed by bouts of diarrhea.  You just are.  It's going to suck. It's going to make you cry.  You're going to feel like you are a giant balloon animal.  You are going to hate it...but you have to go through it in order for your system to normalize.  You're entire digestive tract is trying desperately to relearn everything.

As someone who had a delicate system before she made it even more delicate (I'M AWESOME!), I have come up with lots of ways to make myself feel better when I feel like a blimp and what to cut a hole in my stomach for easier drainage purposes:
1. Drink, drink, DRINK.  The more water the better. Your stomach will feel like it's swimming, but it helps move things along.  Drink at least 3 times the amount you normally do.
2. KEEP EATING EVERY MEAL.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT restrict. It seems counter intuitive and it will be the last thing you want to do, but trust me. If you restrict, your body will think it's preparing for famine and therefore will hold on to any food you put in for dear life. Make sure to get plenty of healthy fats and oils, as this will make things easier to pass.  I find that it's better to eat dense food with less volume...that way you get the calories but not as much bloat (think nut butters, avocados, etc).
3. Take short, light walks.  Nothing too strenuous, just to keep things moving.
4. Wear baggy, comfortable clothes that feel good on the belly.  No tights or close fitting shirts...not trying to be a hero here, folks.
5. Try to stay away from pictures or body checking.  Do NOT weigh yourself.
6. Deep, juicy, yoga stretches.  This can help movement and just make you feel good!
7. Try to focus on other things.  This will be hard, but I believe in you.
8. If the issue persists, PLEASE go see a doctor.

You are going to be fine.  And just think, if you keep on truckin' with recovery, soon your system will work itself out and find a healthy balance.  This too shall pass....literally.

<33

Thoughts on Happiness.

Happy Memorial day, friends!!  I hope you all are enjoying the day and the sunshine. I am safely in St. Pete, spending the day drilling lines so that I can feel completely prepared for rehearsal tomorrow!

I am currently reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.  I'm about half way through, and I have really enjoyed reading it thus far.  As someone who is on her own journey towards happiness, balance, and self discovery, there are aspects of the book I definitely identify with.  What's also great is her philosophy is one I ascribe to (even though I don't always follow it) - that happiness is a choice and something you have to work for...it's not just going to fall into your lap.  Her "12 commandments" and "Happiness Resolutions" got me thinking a lot about my own aspects of happiness - what makes me truly happy?

After giving it some thought and taking extensive notes (because I am Hermione Granger, nice to meet you), I came up with my own personal list.  I took some cues from Rubin herself, and created my own goals, cobbling together my own happiness project.

KT's Pillars of Happiness 

1. Be 100% KT Berger.
2. Let go, let flow.
3. Take control of what needs to be controlled.  As someone with an actual, diagnosed addiction to control, this is a very delicate balance.  The moment I decided to take control of my recovery and let go of my disorder, I felt a huge cosmic shift in my life.  I felt powerful, whereas the control I cultivated with my ED left me feeling weak and unhappy.
4. Fake it 'til you make it - Act the way you want to feel.
5. Allow yourself to rest. It is so important.
6. Give in to cravings of all kinds.  Not just food (but mostly food).  If you're craving some juicy yoga stretches, do them.  If you're craving a cathartic release, go scream and punch your pillow. If you're craving pizza...you know the answer.
7. Life is a journey, enjoy the process, and don't beat yourself up about relapses.
8. Be honest with your feelings and express them in a healthy, constructive way.
9. Be honest with the people around you.  Lying and fabricating only makes things harder in the long run.
10. Allow yourself to truly connect with others.
11. Don't worry if others are judging you for not "doing enough."  This is a hard one for me that I was forced to deal with a lot these last few months.
12. Do what fills your cup up with joy, and attempt to have fun with every task you're given.
13. BREAK RULES.  The rush that comes from defying Emily's voice is a high unlike any other!!
14. Celebrate EVERY. SINGLE. VICTORY.  No matter how small.
15. Take pride in your work.  You could be changing someone's life.

One of the most important things that brings me joy and happiness no matter what state I am in is to spend time with others.  For a long time I identified myself so intensely as a classic introvert, when if you really know me (especially if you knew me in high school) you KNOW that I crave connection.  It is my drug of choice!  Over the past few months I've really been working on bringing back those more extroverted parts of me, and while I still love hanging out in my room and reading into the wee hours of the morning, I'm so sick of isolating and alienating myself.  Spending time with friends rejuvenates me and thrills me, and I never regret hanging out (I do however, often regret staying at home and overthinking everything ever)!  As corny as it is...I love people.  Here are some of those people!!

Look at all those beautiful faces!! Jeez, I have the best friends.

What are some of the things that bring you joy and happiness? I'd love to know!

I am OBSESSED (3-14)

It's that time of week again!  This is becoming my favorite post to do because I am so obsessed with so many things. I HAVE A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE, PEOPLE.  Well let's just jump right in, shall we?!

1. Dance Academy - Thank that baby Jesus for Netflix.  I love Australian teen dramas, and Netflix delivers 3 whole seasons of (in my opinion) the nation's best.  Dance Academy.  Yes, Tara is insufferable, Abigail is pretty much the worst, and the living situation is hardly believable...but that doesn't mean I don't love every second of this show. It's equal parts corny and incredibly honest. How do the Aussies do it?!  I want to be Kat when I grow up.  She's just the coolest! Sammy is just the most adorable little nugget on the planet, and I find myself screaming at Abigail for being so mean to him in the beginning of his pursuit of her.  But like, can we talk about Abigail for a minute?!  She's an awful human being, but I obviously find myself relating to her.  Some of the ways she lashes out hit so close to home it hurts.  Girl, I GET IT. Having an eating disorder sucks balls (and I can imagine when you are at the most prestigious dance school in Australia, it's even worse).  Wow I rambled about this show for a while, and I still have more to say.  I guess I'll have to do a post just about Dance Academy...darn!!

2. Indian Chai - When I lived in NYC, I worked at Alice's Tea Cup. It was and still is my favorite job I've ever had, and I can't wait to go back when I am once again in the city.  The only problem was, I got addicted to Indian Chai and would drink it every single morning as I opened the restaurant in the early darkness. It would be by my side as I decorated the scone board and let the first way-too-eager middle aged women in at 8:00 am sharp (*knock knock knock* "It's 7:58 can I come in yet it's so cold out here!!!!").  It is the best chai in the world, and when I came back to Kentucky I didn't realize how much I truly loved it until I didn't have it! BUT...Chelsea to the rescue!!  My GIRL Chelsea, another hostess ATC and my very best work friend, sent me some of the good stuff so my addiction can live on.  Now I just have to get back to the Cup so we can wear top knots and drink Alice's Mochas again every day.  I'm missing the princess lifestyle, ya know?

3. "Top Rated" by Icona Pop - I love Icona Pop more than most things and lately, with the warm weather allowing me to roll down my windows, I have been jamming to this particular song while cruising along in Krysta, the diva-mobile. I literally have kept it on repeat in my car.  I'm working on a Ukulele cover of it, which I will record and post here this coming week! 

4. SUNSHINE - No more cold, gimme that Vitamin D!!

5. "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed - In case you missed the last two posts about it, let's just throw this one in for good measure.  

6. This Queso - Pretty sure I could just eat it straight from the jar with a spoon.  I haven't...or anything...*runs away*.

Alright, I think that's enough for now. This has been an exceptionally fantastic week....my cup is definitely full of joy and brimming over with happiness muffins.  Oh, and it's Pie (Pi) Day, so really what could go wrong?  I had a big honking slice of cherry pie earlier this week...I might have to have a piece for lunch to celebrate the holiday.

What kind of pie are you OBSESSED with?!