Sadness Burritos - Happiness Muffins

I have gotten so many fantastic ideas for blog posts, and I definitely will try to get to all of them eventually.  You all are so creative and inquisitive...which makes me extremely happy!  There were a few suggestions that, honestly, will take some time to write simply because they will be difficult and personal.  For example, my dear friend Daniel suggested I write a post detailing my breaking point - the moment I decided to really start in on recovery and say goodbye to my disorder.  That is something that will be very cathartic and probably very helpful, but will take some time.

For now, I'm going to do a post that I have gotten multiple requests for!!  That is, my handy dandy checklist I mentioned in this post . I call it "Sadness Burritos --> Happiness Muffins."  It is a list I created in treatment that I can turn to when I am feeling depressed, anxious, or just generally unhealthy.  Oddly enough, I am left brain dominant (I'm pretty even, but I tend to slightly favor my left brain) and I LOVE LISTS.  I LOVE SCHEDULES.  I LOVE PLANS.  So just having the list in front of me and being able to put a check mark in the box next to a given activity gives me a thrill.  I am an achiever and I love feeling like I have accomplished something.  It also gives me motivation on depressive days where I feel like I have none.  By the time I muster enough emotional strength to do one thing on the checklist, I am able to get on a roll and become a functioning member of society again!!  

Let's turn those SADNESS BURRITOS into HAPPINESS MUFFINS (in 8 easy steps)! 

These are the things on my checklist.  A lot of people in the world would NOT find joy in scrubbing a sink.  To each his own.  

Make Music (sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, hopeless, lonely)

*extreme- Belt your FACE OFF!

Music is my drug of choice.  When I'm anxious, sad, angry, or feel like a piece of poo, I can sing and play Angela and everything else falls away (that sounds very Natalie from N2N of me...). But seriously!  When I'm feeling exceptionally emotional or angry, I go into the shower and just belt my face off.  I don't care what it sounds like, or if I crack, or if I'm basically yelling "Astonishing" at the top of my lungs.  CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS!! 

Go Outside (sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, hopeless)

Do a Yoga Practice (sad, hopeless)

Honestly, if I'm feeling more angry or frustrated and less sad, this doesn't help me as much. But generally speaking, yoga is one of my favorite things in life.  You never feel bad after a yoga practice!  

Work on an Art Project (sad, frustrated, hopeless, lonely)

You get bonus points for this one if you do an art project for a friend!  The only thing I love more than making art is giving it away!  

Clean (anxious, angry, frustrated)

*extreme - Find a sink and SCRUB IT

This one is good if you're feeling anxious and have a lot of pent-up energy.  Don't take it out on your loved one, take it out on the GERMS!!

Read a Comfort Book (sad, hopeless, lonely)

*extreme - Unicorns of Balinor or The Marvelous Land of Oz (Childhood comfort books)

Everyone knows how much I love reading, and sometimes you just have to escape to your favorite childhood fantasy worlds (yes, my mom is shipping me my Unicorns of Balinor books and no, I couldn't be more excited). 

Write it out (sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, hopeless, lonely)

Journal, blog, write poetry, write a letter to a friend, anything!  Just get it out on paper! 

Spend Time With Friends (sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, hopeless, lonely)

I start and end my list with my main 2: Music and People!!  You will never regret going out and having a good time with friends.  You will, however, regret staying in and stewing in your own depression. 

Now, don't you feel better? 

Make your own checklist and see how it helps you.  One thing that tends to happen with depression is the feeling that self-care is a waste of time and unproductive.  WRONG!!  It is actually the most productive thing you can do for yourself.  Sometimes, you have to put everything else on hold and read a fantasy novel, OKAY?!  This is a valid use of your time, and if you need outside validation, please let me know what you come up with for your list and what you are able to accomplish.  I would love to cheer you on and tell you you're doing a good job. Now let's feast on some happiness muffins! 

Summertime Sadness

It's definitely summer out there. I have taken to just wearing my bathing suit around the house.  I watched dolphins swimming in the ocean last night for a good hour (as someone who was born land locked, that will NEVER get old.  DOLPHINS. RIGHT THERE). I absolutely have to take a shower every day because well...it's really hot.  

Unfortunately, depression doesn't care if you live in the sunshine state.  Depression doesn't care if you can walk down the street and instantly be on the beach.  Depression doesn't care if you have a loving family and amazing friends.  Sometimes it just finds your insecurities ("the show is over...now what...I need to find an apartment...I ate too much at dinner...I miss my friends...what am I even doing right now...I'm tired but I should be productive....WHY AM I CRYING?!") and attack.  

The important thing to remember in those moments when you feel like you don't "deserve" to be depressed is that there is nothing wrong with being depressed.  It is a real chemical imbalance in your brain and sometimes you just can't help it.  The past few days have been a little rough for me personally, but luckily I have some pretty awesome people and tactics  to get me through the bad days.  Early on in recovery I even made a checklist called "Sadness Burritos --> Happiness Muffins" because sometimes just the act of checking off all of the things on the checklist pulls me out of my funk. 

The two biggest things that help me whenever I feel the depression cloud are MUSIC and PEOPLE. I've talked about it on the blog before, but when I was at my lowest of lows, Angela my ukulele really pulled me up and out of the hole I had dug myself into. She became my "tangible object" and to this day whenever I am having bad thoughts, or want to use bad behaviors, or just generally anxious, I can strum a few chords and the world simply gets better.  She replaced restriction as my number one coping mechanism, so I'm not exaggerating when I say she saved my life. 

The other thing is people.  Friends...new friends, old friends, strangers on the beach, the group of old men at Starbucks who sit at the table next to me every day, a phone call from my best friend, a Facebook chat with my sister...it doesn't matter.  I just can NOT isolate myself.  Depression thrives in isolation, which is annoying because of course when we are sad that is exactly what we want to do...shut ourselves off. After lots of self examination in therapy, I have learned that connections with people are what I truly crave.  I am not the introvert I thought I was for 4 years. 

Even if you don't struggle with depression, I think it is important for everyone to find their one or two things that help whenever they are feeling down.  All feelings are valid and real and should be dealt with.  There is nothing wrong with being sad.  NOTHING.  There is no use covering up bad feelings and pretending to be the happiest person in the world...trust me.  I've been there, I've done that, and it doesn't work. Allow yourself to feel the bad feelings, to go through some summertime sadness, but make sure to have ways to pull yourself out of it so the world can see your smiling face once again.  

God, I hope I get it!

Look at all the people....at all the people....

how many people does he need?!

I'll be the first to admit that auditioning is hard and unnatural.  We, as actors, prepare for weeks: drilling the same 16 bars over and over (only to get it cut down to 8 five minutes before we walk in), driving hours to a specific open call, spending exorbitant amounts of money on pictures of our heads which will probably get thrown away, and waiting around all day in order to sing for at most 90 seconds.  Why would anyone go through that?! And yet we keep doing it, like the crazy masochists we are.  

People who aren't in the industry often marvel at the idea of a cattle call audition, but to us, it's just part of the deal.  We can all agree that they are pretty awful, but I have found in my experience that it's really all about how you approach it.  A few days ago, I found myself at the open call for "Finding Nemo" at Disney World. There were SO many people there.  I'm not sure the exact number but I know there were over 300 people at least.  

I love auditioning.  I LOVE IT SO MUCH, and I'm NOT just saying that to trick myself into believing it.  I really do love it.  It gives me an adrenaline high and gets my blood pumping!  I love the chase...but strangely enough, I am not a competitive person, which is why I think I can deal with the oddity that is big auditions.  The hundreds of people all around me are not my competitors, they are just people!  We are all in this together, so why not make it at least a little fun for ourselves?  How about we don't play the comparison game because it's pointless. How about we do talk to eachother about things beyond the "fluff" category of conversation.  How about we stop being fake to one another?  If you need to be quiet and not talk to anyone around you, please just smile and shake your head when I ask you if you watch "How I Met Your Mother" because OMG that guy over there looks exactly like Marshall!!!  I won't be offended...I'm just excited to be here.  

I could get upset about the fact that I only have 60 seconds to belt my face off.  I could be annoyed that the producers asked to hear only 8 measure of music (what can you show in that?!  Gaaaah!!).  I could be anxious about the fact that I could be asked to leave based solely on what I look like.  But you know what?  For that minute, or half a minute, or 10 seconds that the director is looking my way, I am performing my one woman show.  I am singing and I love singing more than anything in the entire universe. 

And so what if someone behind the table doesn't look up, or they aren't interested, or they don't call me back?  I got to perform today!  And isn't that the whole point?  

It's easy to get down on ourselves when we keep pounding the pavement and hear nothing back from directors.  It's hard, it's exhausting, and it makes us want to quit...but a very special fish once told me to "just keep swimming." 

We get by with a little help...

I've gotten many requests over the past few weeks to do a post about being a supportive friend/family member/loved one to an individual struggling with or recovering from an eating disorder.  I'm not going to lie, I've been putting it off because I want it to be perfect...it is so important!! Before we go any further though, I need to emphasize that first and foremost, those suffering from ED's need professional treatment.  This is advice for those of you who are around these individuals on a day to day basis.  While it is incredibly important for you to be supportive, it is even more important that your friend or family member is on a guided road to recovery with professionals holding them accountable.  It is not your job to be their therapist, but you can still have an extremely positive effect.  So let's begin, shall we?

Friends. They're doing it right. 

Don't make comments about their body - even if you think it's a compliment. 
No matter what you say, it will be the wrong thing.  "You've gained weight!" is the wrong thing.  "Don't worry, you're still skinny!" is the wrong thing. "You're looking healthier!" is the wrong. thing. I know what you're thinking...these are all compliments and you mean them as a good thing or a sign of progress.  But it doesn't matter.  ED's can't help taking whatever you say about our changing bodies and twisting it into something horrible.  Just don't talk about the physical...AT ALL!! That's the whole point!  Try something like "You have so much more energy these days!  You're bright, bubbly personality is so great!"  or "You seem so much happier!" These are things I will never get sick of hearing.  (I will however, never turn down a compliment on my hair)

Don't bring up your own diet or exercise plans, struggles, or advice. 
Recovery is a bitch, I'm just going to say that right now.  You want to know the main reason it's a bitch?  because the entire UNIVERSE is fixated on diet and exercise.  You can't escape it.  I found this post on tumblr that really says it best: "If I had to describe an eating disorder, I would resemble it to a drug addiction. Now, imagine a drug addict trying to quit in a society that’s advertising new drugs while promising amazing highs all over the internet, on YouTube, Facebook, in TV, on the bus passing you right as you’re battling yourself whether to get your fix or go straight home. A society in which you can barely have a conversation without drugs being mentioned; how many you did yesterday, how amazing it felt, which drugs you want to try next. Surrounded by the mentality that it’s embarrassing, weird, lazy, even a sin not to do drugs." So please for the love of GOD...don't tell me about the cleanse you want to do.  Don't tell me about what you did at the gym yesterday.  Don't ask me what I do to stay skinny.  And don't you DARE come to me when you feel "bad" about eating that slice of cake.  I will punch you in the face. Just eat. the. damn. cake. 

Extreme Hunger is fun!  8 servings, my ass.  One and DONE.

Administer compliments and encouragement about their actions. 
This is important.  Throughout recovery, being told I "look better" has unfortunately been triggering.  I can't explain it...I really wish I could, but I can't.  "Healthy" is annoyingly a very triggering word. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this, though!  I do respond incredibly well, however, to people telling me "good job" when I have done something.  Let's face it, we all love to be praised -  You did a great job on a painting YAY!  You won a board game YAY! You took a nap YAY!  You went out with friends DOUBLE YAY!

Don't focus on what/how much they are eating. 
This is a major one I personally struggle with.  I hate people watching me eat and asking me what I'm eating.   Just ask Robyn (I have complained to her so much for people asking me "Is that...A SANDWICH?!"). My sass comes out in full force when people ask me if I'm eating an apple when it is CLEARLY AN APPLE I'M HOLDING IN MY HAND.  JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!! *deep breath* Because of this, people struggling with ED's tend to isolate themselves at meal times.  I have made major strides with this, but it still causes me intense anxiety when people comment.  Just the other day at a cookout attention was drawn to me and my plate, and although I'm sure no one else there even remembers the incident, I have gone over it about a million times in my head, and probably could have started crying on the spot.  So just like...find other topics of conversation.  There are so many! Music, movies, nature, the German Football team, corgis, and astrology - just to name a few. 

Don't assume it's just a phase, just about "being thin", or just an intense diet. Don't downplay the severity of this disorder.  DON'T insinuate that they are "lucky" for getting to eat more now that they're recovering. 
Eating Disorders are severe mental disorders that can have fatal affects.  Anorexia didn't come into my life because I wanted to be skinnier or because I wanted to lose a few pesky pounds. I have always been a lil nug.   I struggle with depression, anxiety, and OCD, as do the majority of people suffering from ED's. It is an irrational disorder and can make us do weird things. Don't tell us to "snap out of it" or to "just eat a cheeseburger".  I would have given anything to just "snap out of it" a year ago when I was in my room pacing back and forth because my ED wouldn't leave me alone.  I would love nothing more than to just chow down on a cheeseburger in the middle of the day with no guilt. It's not that easy.  Just let them know that you are here if they need you.  If they don't reach out to you specifically, don't push the subject.  That might not be how they cope, they might want to not talk about it, or you might be a triggering presence.  If you are, please don't take offense...just let it be.  They will come to you when they're ready.   

The most important thing about being a good friend to a person struggling with ED is to be there for them in whatever capacity they need. If they talk about it, great.  If they very clearly don't want to talk about it, also great. Don't overstep your boundaries, they will let you know what they need at that moment.  Remember what I said at the beginning - you are not their therapist. I'm really sorry that it's not "fair" that your compliment is triggering or it causes them to feel bad even though it had good intentions.  You know what else isn't "fair"?  Having an eating disorder.  Just make sure to keep the positive vibe flowing.  Love them, so that they can learn to love themselves.  

You've only begun...

Well, here we are.  "The Burnt Part Boys" is now a memory.

This is going to be a tough one to leave behind.  I knew that going in, but little did I know how much this show would truly mean to me by the end of it.  I could play this role surrounded by these people forever and be perfectly content!  I know that's a big statement...but I don't think you realize how much I love this show!

The performance yesterday was incredible, if I do say so myself.  We had an absolutely fantastic audience who were along for every twist and turn of the story, and by the end of it were shedding tears just like we were.  Oh and I broke my final compass!  Big day, big day.

It probably comes as no big surprise to anyone that I get very attached to experiences and people.  I am very, VERY bad at goodbyes, and I let them affect me more than I should.  It's one of the big reasons that I started isolating myself and keeping myself from truly connecting with people. I feel like I'm always leaving, and it messes me up too much emotionally to invest in that.  Throughout recovery, I have found that I need those deep connections to function, so now that I'm breaking out of that bad habit, I'm finding myself overwhelmed with the thought of saying goodbye to this show and these guys.  Luckily, this is only the first step in my Florida journey...at least I won't have to say goodbye to the place!  Many members of my Burnt Part family are here too, so that makes it easier.  I'm still pretty torn up about the whole thing, though.

It's amazing the difference a year makes.  Last year (although I would have never admitted it) when the clock was ticking down on "Spring Awakening," I was so excited for it to be over.  Emily ruled my life. She was making every waking moment a living hell and constantly telling me what a piece of shit I was.  This year I gave myself over to the experience.  There were glimpses of Emily, but with the help and support of everyone around me, I was able to silence her and keep her from ever intruding on this journey.

The scrappy little whistle blower pictured above made me feel stronger than I ever have before.  She made me understand how important it is to be fueled, to have a clear mind, and to fully connect with what is happening around me. She made me understand how much BETTER life is when all of your senses aren't wrapped in cotton wool, and when you don't have a track of negative self talk constantly running in your brain. I will carry Frances Boggs with me for the rest of my life.

I wouldn't change a thing about this experience.  This family shared something truly special.  Thank you all for letting me be one of the boys. <33

Princess Frances OUT.

What Recovery has Taught Me

When I look at the calendar these days, I can hardly believe how fast time is flying.  I have always had a problem with living in the moment.  It's something I try so hard to do and yet I find myself constantly thinking about happy past times and making up stories about my future.  Lately though, I have been much better about it.  I have learned that this moment is all I have.  That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 9 months.  I have been overwhelmingly grateful and amazed at how much recovery has changed my life, and seeing as tomorrow will mark 9 months since my Mom made me come into her room, sit down on her bed, and admit to her and myself that I had an eating disorder and that I would take measures to eradicate it from my life, I would like to share with you what this process has taught me so far: 

- Recovery is the hardest thing you will ever do.  It is also the most wonderful thing you will ever do. Once when I was going through a particularly bad day, I remember my beautiful friend Jan telling me that treatment is like digging for gold.  You will find those amazing nuggets of beauty, and it will be worth it, but you have to go through some pretty awful mud, and dirt, and animal shit in order to find them.

- You will feel worse before you feel better. I can't stress this enough.  You won't believe me when you are at your lowest lows...I definitely didn't.  I spent months believing that all that was happening was I was getting worse and nothing would ever be good again. But right now I have honestly never been happier.  So there's that.

- There are people in your life that are going to be triggers. They can't help it.  You can't help it.  Accept it, don't stress out about it, remove them from your life, and move on.  We can't all be best friends all the time.  That's just life.

- Recovery takes way longer than you'll want it to.  On October 1st, 2013 I was thinking maybe a few months and I'd be in the clear.  HAHAHAHA.  Hilarious.  It has been 9 intense months of trying to figure out who I am without my disorder and I can say honestly that I am not finished yet.  I am not fully recovered and I have do doubt that it will take at least a year.  But you better believe I am on my way to full recovery and I will settle for nothing less.

- It is important to celebrate every single victory. Once you accept that (for example) having an ice cream cone in broad daylight with people all around you is something to be proud of, you have the power to be proud of yourself LITERALLY ALL THE TIME. It's amazing.

- Surround yourself with the people that support you and make you feel like the happiest, truest, version of yourself possible.  And if you can, be in a show with all guys who are amazing human beings, true gentlemen, who don't give a CRAP what you do, what you eat, or how you look. If that's not possible, keep your friends close.  Let the people who love you hold you up, and hold up the people around you in return. Just do me a favor and don't isolate yourself...Emily thrives in isolation! 

- When you're having a good body image day, just take a picture.  Loving how you look is a victory!  Celebrate it, even if it's just for your own purpose.  People post all sorts of pictures when they're falling in love.  So what, you're falling in love with yourself?? And let's be real, in this day and age, no one is going to judge you for posting a bathroom selfie.

- As much as it's not about food...it is about food. In order to heal you must eat every meal. It's corny and rhymes but it's the MOST true thing. You're not going to make any progress if you decide to fall back on to bad habits "just once." 

When I was at the height of my ED, at my lowest weight, and putting on a happy face for the world, I felt like a perfect china doll.  A delicate, precious little waif.  I kept my porcelain body on a shelf and kept a smile on my face.  Here's the thing though...china dolls break.  Porcelain shatters.  

Now I feel like a warrior.  A woman who is falling deeply in love with herself.  Someone who is on their way to full and total recovery...who will not settle for anything less.  Someone who is leading a revolution of self worth.  Building an empire of acceptance.  I believe with my whole heart that we are all in it together.  I don't think I can change society.  But I think I can make it a little bit brighter for the people around me.  Because life is too short.  9 months pass in a blink of an eye. 

RECOVERY IS REAL. RECOVERY IS WORTH IT. 

Bad Thoughts, Be Gone!!

As everyone has been able to see by my shiny new Instagram, life is pretty good these days.  I am in the middle of a show that I could do for the rest of my life and be perfectly content.  My mom (who also happens to be the best person in the world) came to visit me last week and we had a blast.  I've been making lots of recovery wins, and it's been weeks since my last panic attack.  And yet, bad thoughts decided that yesterday would be a great time to start swirling around my head.  Emily was trying her best to bring me down...little did she know that I now have an arsenal of tactics to battle that pesky negative self talk.  I know that everyone has their demons that bring you down when you least expect it...so I would like to share my strategies, and hopefully they will be able to help YOU whenever you are feeling down.  Because bad thoughts are...

1. Talk back - This is the number one strategy that also seems too simple to be a solution.  But I promise, once you start doing it, it changes everything!  You're going to feel extremely silly at first, but once you make this a habit, you are going to wonder how you ever let the negative self talk run in your head without talking back.  You would never let someone talk to another human being like that without saying something, would you?  As corny as it is, go into the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell your bad thoughts NO.  You don't have time for them today, this week, this month, EVER.  You have too many important things to do and you can't have the bad thoughts compromise you in any way!  You are worth so much more than that! 

2. Identify the trigger - There were a few things yesterday that could have sent me into a relapse only a few months ago, but I have gotten pretty good at taking myself out of the situation and objectively figuring out why I feel triggered and why I want to revert back to bad or unhealthy behaviors.  There were people putting unneeded pressure on me, I was wearing a new outfit that showed off my body, and I probably hadn't eaten enough (*Recovery hack: when you feel like you want/need to restrict, you actually need to eat.  The brain chemistry gets thrown off with restriction so you crave it more the hungrier you get.  It's so messed up). After you lay out these things for yourself as FACTS, you realize how silly they are and how easy they will be to overcome.  

3. Surround yourself with people you love - Luckily this is very easy for me to do these days, but I can't stress how important this is for anyone going through a rough day.  You are totally going to want to isolate yourself, but try not to!  You don't have to go out to Georgie's for LIT Thursday (although I highly recommend it), but even something as simple as going out to get a cup of coffee with a friend or calling a relative can totally turn your day around. I could have very easily finished the show last night, gone home, dicked around on Tumblr for a few hours, and gone to bed still in a sour mood.  But instead, I decided to live my life with the people that make me happiest.  Smart decisions. 

4. Find what you love doing most in the world....AND DO IT - It doesn't matter what it is.  You love snuggling up with your kitty and reading a trashy novel?  Sounds lovely!  You love kickboxing until your knuckles bleed?  Sounds cathartic!  You love watching movies, or baking brownies, or organizing all the files in your house, or dancing at a club, or kayaking, or belting your face off?!  YASSSS!!!  I don't care what it is, just figure out how to do whatever you love doing MOST. Do what makes you the happiest version of yourself there is.  Do something that no one can tell you you're bad at.  Once again, I am so incredibly lucky to be able to do what I love most in the entire world for a living.  You better believe Frances was feeling FEISTY last night! 

5. Ask for help - This might be the most important thing I have learned in my journey to 100% KT Berger.  No one is ever going to feel better stewing in their own bad thoughts without a little help from their friends (cue Beatles music).  If you're anything like me, at first you are going to feel like a burden, but you will be surprised how much the people around you want to help.  I was feeling the love so intensely last night after simply putting out in the universe that Emily was getting to me and I could use some support.  Before the show after I told everyone "I will hold you up" (a tradition I learned from The Commonweal <33) I asked them to hold me up because I was in a bad place mentally.  I've never felt more taken care of.  And I want everyone reading this to know that I will hold you up WHENEVER you need it.  You don't even have to ask.  But if you are struggling with negative thoughts...please let me know.  Please ask for help.  It is so worth it to feel the positive vibes streaming your way.  

We all have demons, we all have an "Emily", we all have a Burnt Part.  It doesn't matter what form they take...we can help each other through them. <33