Red Strings.

When I was quite a bit younger, I remember hearing the story of the "red string of fate."  It's a Chinese myth which explains how we come to know the important people in our lives.  According to this legend, the gods tie red strings around the ankles of all of those we are destined to meet, and our lives are just the red strings getting shorter and shorter.  I don't remember exactly when I first heard this story, but it has stuck with me ever since.  I love the image of it, and it's something I think about a lot.

As you know, I am a professional actress and I am incredibly lucky to have been quite successful in the years since graduating from college.  I love being able to do what I love and am passionate about for a living (and true, I still need a survival job for in between gigs, but  I love my job and the people I work with so I am not complaining).  But if we're being honest, the hardest part of this career is not the periods of unemployment or staring into the abyss of "ok the show is over NOW WHAT DO I EVEN DO?" It's the falling so deeply in love with so many people and then having to say goodbye over and over again.  This has been on my mind lately because Into the Woods has come to an end and the fact that the holidays are coming up. This year will be the 4th Thanksgiving I have been in a completely different place (Lexington, Lanesboro, New York City, and now St. Pete).  I also have 4 of the best friends in the world who all live in different cities (Chicago, Decorah, Lexington, Tampa). That's tough, ya know?  But the idea of having strong red strings attatched to all of the incredible people I have met in my life makes it so much easier.

I could totally let myself get down in the dumps about the fact that I feel like everyone is always leaving me/I'm always leaving everyone else.  It's probably the number one trigger for my depression.  But instead of focusing on that, I imagine the red strings that are now spread not only all across the country, but all across the world!  I wouldn't trade my career for anything.  I have always felt like a bit of a gypsy (thank you, Mom and Dad, for forcing me to move to Austria when I was five...I've never looked back since), so moving around a lot in order to do theatre has never felt wrong. What feels wrong is how deeply connected I get to people only to say goodbye a month later, but because of this unnatural lifestyle, I could pretty much go anywhere and feel like I'm home because of a friendly face smiling back at me.  The world is so big and so small at the same time, and we are all connected by those incredible red strings of fate.  

I talk about how much my friends mean to me all the time but it's true.  I am obsessed with each and every one of you.  I love you with a fierceness that I will NOT apologize for.  You keep me going, no matter how far away from eachother we are.

Gained.

There are a lot of horrifying moments in recovery.  To count them all would be impossible.  Moments of shame and humiliation.  There are moments you wake up so hungry that you feel like a feral child and find yourself sitting in front of an open fridge eating ketchup out of a bottle.  There are moments you turn on the faucet in the bathroom so no one hears you getting the scales out of the closet.  There are moments you look down at your plate and realize that you actually ate that fear food...and now what??

The hardest moments for me happen in the morning, when I have to shower and get dressed.  Even though I know it's physically impossible, it often feels like I have SURELY gained 20 pounds overnight. Putting on pants that I haven't worn in a few weeks is like summitting a mountain. Looking at my arms is like facing a tank of poisonous snakes.  I think I could take my body filling out any day over my face, but then there are moments when I think the opposite.  Taking pictures is actually torture, and yet I feel this strange pressure to take them and LIKE THEM.  Why?!  Why do I do this to myself?!  I could very easily just not allow people to take my picture, and not take any of myself...I'm still trying to crack this mystery.

ANYWAY, I have definitely gained weight.  I don't know how much because I hid my scales after about a week in April when I was obsessively checking.  Like multiple times a day.  Numbers are my biggest OCD trigger, and so for whatever reason for a week I was weighing myself about 5 times a day.  Again, WHY?!

The thing about gaining weight in recovery is that our brains are SO used to it feeling like a failure that it is extremely hard to view it as a victory.  That is why I try to focus on other things I have gained that are definitely victories.

I have gained...

-Brain space: sometimes it amazes me how much better I am able to focus on things. True story...there are full performances of Spring Awakening that I can't remember because I was so preoccupied with disordered thoughts.  Good thing I knew the show well...

-Healthier hair: My prrrrrecious.

-Friends: I am more open to new friendships and just easier to be around.  I don't cancel plans, I make them.

-Freedom to be my true extroverted self: I am so over pretending I'm an introvert.  My disorder is an introvert. KT is an outspoken, loud, extroverted, choir kid, musical theatre fangirl who makes no apologies for loving the CRAP out of everything.

-Strength and flexibility: It's so weird, when you starve yourself your body doesn't work.

-Vocal range and power: I love belting.

I have gained so much in recovery.  Every day is a new challenge and a new battle, but I will continue to be a warrior and fight the negative voices in my head telling me that gaining happiness is somehow a failure.  That somehow I don't deserve it.  Because we ALL deserve to be happy, and we shouldn't settle for anything less. 

Once Upon a Time...

Fairy tales have been on my mind pretty much 24/7 these days.  What with "Into the Woods" playing on a constant loop in my brain and blaring so loudly in my head that I literally wake up at night singing the songs, I simply can't get the characters and morals out of my head!  During this process we have learned a lot about the importance of these tales in regards to the integration of our personalities.  Also, as someone who has spent over a year looking in the mirror and trying to convince myself that I am the hero of my own story, it is fascinating that through this process I finally feel like that is coming to fruition.  I am the hero of this story. The work is paying off and I am coming out on top.  

Once upon a time there was a girl who didn't believe she could do it.  She had been given a special quest - to use her gifts of song and friendship to bring happiness and joy to the world. She felt the pressure of this quest upon her shoulders constantly, and was terrified that she would not be able to achieve her goals.  In a moment of fear, she was visited by the Evil Queen.  

The Queen saw the girl's vulnerability, and struck a deal with the girl.  She told her that if she gave up the gifts of song and friendship, then the Queen would accomplish her task for her.  But in return, the girl would be cursed with the voice of the evil queen amplified within her brain.  The Queen's voice would control her until the task was achieved.  Little did the girl know that the Queen had no intention of fulfilling the task at hand.  The Queen had grown weak, and she only wanted the girl's gifts so that she would survive.  

The Queen's voice continued to grow stronger within the girl's mind, until she became convinced it was her own thoughts of doubt and hatred.  She descended into solitude, alone in the woods, with only the Queen's voice for company.  The words were so hateful that she was convinced that the world would be better off without her in it.  She had grown mute, the Queen using her power of song to fuel her evil power.  Many people tried to save her.  A valiant Prince came to her door, knocking and calling to her, but that only made her hide with more conviction.  She boarded up her windows and covered herself with blankets to protect her from the chilling winds in her own soul. 

One day, with the Queen's voice louder than ever, and her own voice unable to rise from her throat, the girl was visited by the Blue Fairy.  The Fairy didn't knock on the door, didn't call to her, didn't force her way into the lonely hiding place.  She only sent her a message of warmth and understanding.  A quiet hint of hope.  A reminder that she had a quest to go on.  She had a hero to become.

The girl ignored the message, unable to respond to anything that was not the Queen's voice.  And yet the Blue Fairy persisted, her power of love stronger than the Evil Queen's.  Soon the girl was completely enveloped in blue light.  Tears sprung to her eyes, and as they rolled down her cheek, and onto her throat, they allowed her voice to whisper through the silence.

"I can do this."

It was barely audible but it was there.  Day in and day out she said it.  Time passed slowly, but the whisper grew louder and stronger.  The feelings of love welled up inside of her, until she was screaming her battle cry so loudly that the Queen herself could hear it from her castle.

The girl, with her new powerful voice welling up inside her throat, stepped out of the cabin she had been hiding in for so many years.  And when she looked around, she was amazed.  Her battle cry had been heard not by some, but by many.  She was surrounded by fairies, and animals, and elves.  By royalty, and giants, and even the town baker.  Her best friends were all around her, and she realized that the Queen would never truly take her power of friendship.  

With her army of love behind her, the girl led the march to the Castle.  When she was outside the gates, she took in a deep breath and yelled with a power unlike any she had ever experienced.  She yelled at the Queen to leave.  To flee, and never come back.  She was not needed here, and never would be.  The cry was echoed by every single one of her friends, and became a beautiful song.  A song that was so full of love and support that the Queen could not bear to listen, and fled the kingdom in a rage.  

After the dust settled, and the girl realized the Queen was gone, she looked around at the incredible group around her.  It was the whole Kingdom!  Brought together by song and friendship.  Brought together by love.  They were all heroes.  Herself included. 

Books = Friends

I often joke that I love books more than I love people.  You know that's not true (especially if you are the receiver of my fangirl ways...oh wait...that's literally everyone on the planet) but I really, REALLY love books.  They are such a huge part of my life, and I am so thankful for my parents for raising me to always be reading.  I carry at least one book with me wherever I go because I am also chronically early for things.

People often ask me "how do you find time to read?" Um...I make time.  Because it is something I find enjoyable and it brings me more happiness than almost anything in the world!  If I didn't read, I would be miserable! The other night, we had some cast bonding time and were asking each other hypothetical questions about being stuck on a deserted island.  The question of "what book/series would you want with you?" arose.  At first I panicked, because that is like choosing a child to me.  I...I...Can't I bring them all?!  It got me thinking about my favorite books of all time and what I would recommend to people who don't inherently find themselves stuck in a book.  I am often asked for reading recommendations and I love lists soooo...this happened:

KT's Top Ten Books/Series - Fall time is a perfect time to READ!!  Get a book, make some tea, and escape to somewhere amazing.

1. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

This classic is my top, number one, favorite book of all time.  If you haven't read it, just do yourself a favor and join the millions of fans in the world.  If you have read it, take a second trip to Maycomb, Alabama!  You will not be disappointed either way.  I have read this book countless times, and was fortunate enough to bring the story to life in college.  Playing Mayella is one of my very favorite memories from NKU, and there is a reason this story is a classic.  You can find something new and discover another facet of the story every time you read it.

2. Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

I love Neil Gaiman. I have read all of his books and yet I always have to find where they are in every bookstore I ever enter.  Why?!  Why do I do this?!  I honestly don't know.  Good Omens is my favorite thing he has ever written.  It is hilarious, and creepy, and beautiful, and breathtaking, and terrifying.  Get ready for apocalyptic, angel of death REALNESS.

3. The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien

This is what I chose to bring with me if I were to be stranded on that hypothetical deserted island.  Yes I chose the whole trilogy (the rule was book OR SERIES, OKAY?!). I just...I just love LOTR so much. I can't even really put it into words (real eloquent, KT). You have all probably seen the movies (I may or may not have chosen those for the movies I could bring with me on the deserted island too), but if you are looking for something to read and you enjoy fantasy in any way, please do yourself a favor and just begin the delightful journey through Middle Earth.

4. How I Live Now by Meg Rosoff

Sigh...This. Book. I have read this book over 50 times and I really wish I was exaggerating.  It's a quick read and at this point I can just read it in a few hours.  It's my ultimate comfort book, because I connect with Daisy more than any other literary character EVER.  It's very YA, so proceed with that in mind.   Once I emailed Meg Rosoff, and she provided me with an insight that became one of my every day affirmations - "People with eating disorders are just hungry for life, if we can only realign our hunger." 

5. Harry Potter by JK Rowling

I mean....do I really need to say anything?

6. The Giver by Lois Lowr

In my HUMBLE opinion, the best YA novel to ever exist.  A classic, as far as I'm concerned.

7.  The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

People are often surprised at how much I adore this book, but I will defend it to the death.  If you need a feel good, every thing happens for a reason, every end is the beginning, insert cliche positive affirmation here, pick up a copy of this.  If you're ready for some ugly crying, pick up a copy of this.  If you need a reminder that life is amazing and that you matter, pick up a copy of this.

8. Wild by Cheryl Strayed

I have written a review of this book here. Strayed's journey of self discovery is just incredible, and I love the honesty and brutality...which makes the payoff all the better in the end.

9. The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff

My strange obsession : Fundamentalist Mormonism. Seriously, talk to me about it please.  This quote sums it up best: "Happiness is a risk, and Mormon Polygamy is full of gamblers, leading lives of purpose and drama, all the things I want in my own life."

10. The Mammy, The Chisellers, and The Granny by Brendan O'Carroll

You can blow through this trilogy in three days at MOST.  You won't want to put down this Irish family tale and you'll fall so in love with the characters that you'll feel like part of the family.  As you read about their struggles and triumphs, you will likely shed a happy tear as you watch the children grow and pass on the familial love to the next generation.

What are you reading?  I'd love to know YOUR top ten!!  Happy reading!

I Know Things Now...

It is certainly no secret that rehearsals for "Into The Woods" are in full swing at freeFall!  If there is one thing actors are good at, it is letting the world know how #blessed we are and bragging about #bookingit via social media.  I am definitely a culprit, but like...why not?!  I want the world to know how excited I am to be playing a dream role at the theatre I am #soblessed to call home!

It's also no secret that this show, like any Sondheim musical, is a doozy musically and lyrically.  I definitely feel challenged...something that excites me and terrifies me simultaneously.  It excites me because I am a Virgo/achiever/leftbrained/go-getter who LOVES to get stuff done and cross off a sensible to do list.  It terrifies me because I have a perfectionist/anxious/never-good-enough mind, and I put a lot of pressure on myself. In the words of the show though, I know that "I am not alone." 

Being in this process brings to mind feelings from another show I was in a few years ago.  I joke about it now (to hide the tears lol) but it was one of the worst and most humiliating weeks of my entire life.  At the time, I got even more upset trying to find meaning behind what happened.  The only solace I found was Mark Hardy telling me that "sometimes stuff just sucks." Yep, this life lesson has officially taken 3 years to fully comprehend. 

You guys know this story so I won't spell it out for you.  Let's just say that I put so much pressure on myself to perform this role (Beth March in "Little Women") that everything else became secondary.  Aka - It took over my whole life and I completely stopped taking care of myself. I ate even less.  I spent hours in practice rooms doing more beating myself up than actually singing.  I cried at every vocal lesson.  I was having a lot of trouble with my voice anyway, due to my restriction.  There was a complete chunk of my range that was just gone.  From about a C (above middle C) to F which is like...kind of necessary for musical theatre, especially roles that I am right for.  I would try and only air would squeak out -- Beth March literally sits right in that range.  I was absolutely terrified and panicked and was trying every Jamey Strawn trick in the book.  But nothing was working.  And then, I lost my voice.  All of it.   

I was unable to sing or speak and for the majority of the performances, Harli (who was playing Amy) sang my songs into a microphone off stage.  Talk about embarrassing.  It was the closest I've ever gotten to just throwing in the towel and screaming (figuratively, of course because I couldn't produce any sound) "I QUIT ACTING FOREVERRRRR!!" 

Last night at rehearsal we worked on "I Know Things Now."  Not only is the universe bonking me on the head with that title, but it's giving me nice little reminders that even though I am feeling anxious and worried and nervous about this challenging music, the answer is absolutely not to stop taking care of myself.  That is actually the opposite of what I need to do!  I know it seems like "duh, KT of course" but you would be surprised how right it feels at the time.  We are all guilty of it! But I am here to tell you that taking care of yourself needs to be your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.  It's a lesson I learned the hard way.  

But you know what? I know things now.  

Eleven.

So, I obviously haven't been blogging much.  I could go through the whole rigmarole of being sorry and making excuses and talking about how I'm SOOOO busy, but here's the thing I've learned over these past 11 months: I can do whatever I want, and no one can stop me.  It's a good feeling.  A few weeks ago social media and blogging got to be a little too much, so I backed away.  It wasn't making me feel good, it was making me feel crazy, so I focused my writing on works of fiction and my time on living my life.  It's been nice.  I still will definitely blog, but I want to change the focus slightly.  I'll still talk about my recovery because it is such an intense part of who I am and an integral part of my story.  But this past month I have made many realizations and one important one was that I am not my disorder.  Near the middle of this month, I just decided to act like I was recovered.  Work from the outside in, instead of the other way around.  Easier said than done, obviously, but it's been extremely liberating. 

I'm not going to pretend like I've been having an easy time these past few days.  I feel like I'm being put through the ringer in terms of my depression, axiety, and insomnia.  And what's even more frustrating is it's all brain chemistry because for all intents and purposes, things are going great!!  I love my city, I love my friends, I love my job, and I'm so excited for so many things coming up!!  Just another reminder that no one chooses mental illness. And just another reminder that I'm a warrior who will get through this.  

Sooooo, it's September 1st!!  MY FAVORITE MONTH...and Happy 11 months to me!  That means a special post.  Here are 11 things I am grateful for, if you care to know:

1. My Mom.  I feel like I've just been a LOT lately.  Just a big ol' bundle of extreme emotions.  My Mom is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her.  She always picks up the phone and listens to me cry for no reason.  She always lets me complain about things.  She always texts me about books or recipes or kitties.  She cracks me up. She's just...THE BEST.

2. I'm feeling exceptionally grateful for my bestie for the restie, Robyn.  Yesterday, I called her bawling my eyes out and ended up laughing so hard I was crying.  I swear to God, we are the funniest people in the world.  It's hard being away from her, but I love her so much it's absurd. 

3. I can't express enough how happy I am that I chose to move here and like...be a person here in sunny St. Pete.  Every single day I'm reminded that it was the right decision. 

4. My siblings. 

5. My friends who hold me up and keep me going every single day:  I'm looking at you Jessica, Sarah, and Jan!! 

6. My St. Pete Family, my St. Pete bestie, and my Burnt Part Boys. 

7. Angela

8. New and exciting projects coming up.

9. My tiny home!!

10. Being a part of this incredible theatre community, and being able to do what I love. 

11. These past 11 months.  Every single one of them.  They've been hard.  There have been bad days.  But I'm pretty pumped about where I am now, compared to September 1st, 2013. 

<33 

I don't want anything.

She’ll spend sleepless nights wondering how a soul with so much love inside of her has found herself so lonely. 
How someone who cries tears of joy at daffodils blooming, laughs at her own mistakes, and peers into people’s energies has become so lost. 
When she looks you in the eye her mind is not elsewhere, and if she smiles wistfully it’s only because she spots the same powerful green her father carried with him until the day he died - his heart open and willing until the end.

She makes up love stories in her mind, the details so real you would swear they were borrowed from the novel she just hungrily tore through, but they are of her own making. The look across a crowded soirée her hypothetical soulmate casts in her direction. If you’re too slow you’ll miss it. But her head is always tuned in to his brain waves. 
The electric energy that sparks each time her feet strike the city pavement reflected in the bright marquee shouting her name. 
The pride that swells in her chest as the audience leaps to their feet and the glowing flame of pure, unconditional love when she sees him…whoever he is…clapping along. 
There would be no need for words, because in God’s final draft of us, she believes we will not speak. Words only ever complicate things, and life could be lived as it was inside the web she travelled nightly as a child. Inside that web she never spoke. 
She only felt. 
She was only understood.

The feelings are so real to her. So utterly tangible and although she knows she’ll regret investing in them, at this point it’s the only way she can fall asleep anymore. 
It’s the only way she can calm the thoughts of hatred that course through her body all day, and focus her mind on love. 
The kind of love that needs no words.
That sings her lullabies off key and lets her ride her bike with no hands…because although it’s more dangerous, it’s the closest she’s ever been to flying. 
She dreams of this soul and feels guilty when she realizes how much he is just a permutation of the man she misses every day, taken from her too soon. 
She drifts off nightly, hoping she’ll be visited by her father.
But that too is dangerous. 
Seeing as she’ll only be disappointed when she wakes up.