Thoughts on Happiness.

Happy Memorial day, friends!!  I hope you all are enjoying the day and the sunshine. I am safely in St. Pete, spending the day drilling lines so that I can feel completely prepared for rehearsal tomorrow!

I am currently reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.  I'm about half way through, and I have really enjoyed reading it thus far.  As someone who is on her own journey towards happiness, balance, and self discovery, there are aspects of the book I definitely identify with.  What's also great is her philosophy is one I ascribe to (even though I don't always follow it) - that happiness is a choice and something you have to work for...it's not just going to fall into your lap.  Her "12 commandments" and "Happiness Resolutions" got me thinking a lot about my own aspects of happiness - what makes me truly happy?

After giving it some thought and taking extensive notes (because I am Hermione Granger, nice to meet you), I came up with my own personal list.  I took some cues from Rubin herself, and created my own goals, cobbling together my own happiness project.

KT's Pillars of Happiness 

1. Be 100% KT Berger.
2. Let go, let flow.
3. Take control of what needs to be controlled.  As someone with an actual, diagnosed addiction to control, this is a very delicate balance.  The moment I decided to take control of my recovery and let go of my disorder, I felt a huge cosmic shift in my life.  I felt powerful, whereas the control I cultivated with my ED left me feeling weak and unhappy.
4. Fake it 'til you make it - Act the way you want to feel.
5. Allow yourself to rest. It is so important.
6. Give in to cravings of all kinds.  Not just food (but mostly food).  If you're craving some juicy yoga stretches, do them.  If you're craving a cathartic release, go scream and punch your pillow. If you're craving pizza...you know the answer.
7. Life is a journey, enjoy the process, and don't beat yourself up about relapses.
8. Be honest with your feelings and express them in a healthy, constructive way.
9. Be honest with the people around you.  Lying and fabricating only makes things harder in the long run.
10. Allow yourself to truly connect with others.
11. Don't worry if others are judging you for not "doing enough."  This is a hard one for me that I was forced to deal with a lot these last few months.
12. Do what fills your cup up with joy, and attempt to have fun with every task you're given.
13. BREAK RULES.  The rush that comes from defying Emily's voice is a high unlike any other!!
14. Celebrate EVERY. SINGLE. VICTORY.  No matter how small.
15. Take pride in your work.  You could be changing someone's life.

One of the most important things that brings me joy and happiness no matter what state I am in is to spend time with others.  For a long time I identified myself so intensely as a classic introvert, when if you really know me (especially if you knew me in high school) you KNOW that I crave connection.  It is my drug of choice!  Over the past few months I've really been working on bringing back those more extroverted parts of me, and while I still love hanging out in my room and reading into the wee hours of the morning, I'm so sick of isolating and alienating myself.  Spending time with friends rejuvenates me and thrills me, and I never regret hanging out (I do however, often regret staying at home and overthinking everything ever)!  As corny as it is...I love people.  Here are some of those people!!

Look at all those beautiful faces!! Jeez, I have the best friends.

What are some of the things that bring you joy and happiness? I'd love to know!

100 Reasons to Recover...

Often during recovery, bad thoughts and temptations get in the way and cloud your judgement.  When that happens, I look at this list...my 100 reasons to recover.  There are countless more that I discover every day, but this list always grounds me and makes me so happy to be alive. 

1. So I can be onstage and tell my story.

2. So that I can be there for my friends when they are struggling just like they have been there for me.
3. So I can be a positive role model.
4. So that I can help people.
5. So that next time I see my brother, I won't be relapsing like the last 2 times he came to visit. So he can see that I've actually made progress. That I am getting better. That I am taking charge of my life.  He can be proud of me and worry just a little less.

6. Because I deserve to love myself.

7.  So that my mom can stop worrying about her 23 year old, adult daughter. 

8.  So that I can stop having panic attacks about the panic attacks that I keep having in front of my sister.

9. So I can go long distance hiking, hopefully on the AT!! I want to conquer the trail, summit mountains, be a part of the wonder of nature, and NOT fall over backwards because my pack weighs more than I do.

10. So that I can travel the world.

11. Because I'M HILARIOUS.

12. Because I always...ALWAYS finish what I've started.

13. Because I always...ALWAYS stick to the plan. My plan is to recover. 

14. Because life is too short.

15. Brownies.

16. So I can go back to NYC, be an actress, party like a rockstar, and not want to just sleep constantly.
17. SINGING!!!
18. Angela.
19. So that I can play some more dream roles.
20. So that people look at me because I'm radiating with joy, not because they're worried about me.
21. So that I can make people smile.
22. So that I can learn new and exciting things with a fully functioning brain.
23. Because my smile is a beacon that needs to shine all the way to heaven to light the Mark World of Delight.
24. So that I can be on Broadway.
25. So that I can carry heavy things without falling down and having people laugh at me.
26. Pizza.
27. So that I can bake delicious treats and actually eat them with everyone at the same time.
28. So that I can finish my musical and share it with the world.
29. So that I'm not cold all the time.
30. MY HAIR!!
31. So that I can go out dancing.

32. So that I can go out drinking.

33. So that I can experience new and exciting foods from around the world.

34. So that I can be spontaneous!

35. So that I can order bar food and not feel guilty.

36. So I can write a book.

37. So I can meet my soulmate and fall in love. 

38. So I can be a mom and raise my children to love and accept themselves and others.

39. High notes.

40. Flexibility - both mentally and physically.

41. Recovery tattoo.

42. No more starvation brain fog.

43. No more lanugo.

44. No more awkward bruising.

45. Food anytime, anywhere, with anyone.

46. So I can go to Australia.

47. No more food lies.

48. No more fear of intimacy.

49. To enjoy holidays.

50. To not plan ahead.

51. To not live by rules, rules, rules.

52. So that I can create something amazing!

53. So that I can ride a bike for miles and miles and feel like I'm flying. 

54. To explore!

55. To make new friends. 

56. Orange Juice.

57. My voice in my brain and no one else's. 

58. Awkward ED humor.

59. So that I can be a motivational speaker and eventually speak on NKU's campus...preferably the theatre department...

60. So I can be a casting director.

61. So I never feel like I'm about to pass out while I"m driving. 

62. So my children can be disgustingly close with their cousins.

63. So my children can marry Robyn's children.

64. So I can be more and more like Shirley Temple (my queen) every day. 

65. There are a lot of books to read.

66. There are a lot of movies to see.

67. There are a lot of shows to watch.

68. So that I can eventually play Emily on stage and not be terrified.

69. Tap dancing.

70. Disney World.

71. Because I'm strong and people assume I'm weak...I love proving people wrong.
72. Because there are so many people in this world who deserve more but can't see it.  I want to show them that it's possible.
73. So that my story can have a happy ending.
74. Yoga.
75. Smoothies.
76. So I can make my Dad proud.

77. So that I can hike the Alps as an adult.

78. So that my siblings and I can grow old together and keep having fun.

79. So I can be in Beth's wedding.

80. So I can be in Robyn's wedding. 

81. So I can be in Sarah R's wedding.

82. So I can be in Jessica's wedding.

83. Because my Mom is the best ever and doesn't deserve this.

84. Because I have come so far already.

85. There are so many delicious treats to be nommed.

86. So I can have my own cat.

87. Because I want to make my children surprise lunches.

88. Because I want my musical to change someone's life for the better.

89. So I can speak/sing at NCYC. 

90. Panini Church

91. So I can go back and have a D-town day with Sarah and Carla.

92. Because everybody loves pie.

93. Because my family has been so supportive and wonderful.

94. Daffodils.

95. So I can go to the world cup and cheer on my boys.

96. So that I can free up all that brain space.

97. So that I never feel silent again.

98. Because I have so much to give to the world.

99. Because I've only just begun.

100.  BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE END OF MY STORY.

12 Years in the Making...

She was lovely and fair as the rose of the summer,

Yet 'twas not her beauty alone that won me;

Oh no, 'twas the truth in her eyes ever dawning,

That made me love Mary, the Rose of Tralee.

 If you know me in any way, you probably know that there is a very sizable chunk of my heart that belongs to Ireland.  I lived there in my younger years, and since the day we were forced to move back to Kentucky, I have been aching to go return.  Lots of things have kept me away.  First of all, traveling is expensive, and a plane ticket to Dublin will set any starving artist back.  Second of all, the opportunity always seemed to be overshadowed by other things I needed to do and other roles I needed to play.  Usually some grand trip to Ireland was a back up plan if I didn't land a gig for the summer.  I have been extremely fortunate with my theatre experience but I have to say that I can feel it in my bones...it's time to go back. 

A song for Ireland.

Recently I announced via social media that I am entering the 2014 Kentucky Rose of Tralee Competition.  The dream to go the The Rose of Tralee Festival is one that I have been harboring since 2002, when I watched it on my television in Cabinteely, cheering on the Dublin Rose because there was no Kentucky representative at that time.  The Festival, which turns 55 this year, is a long standing tradition and celebration of Irish culture.  It brings influential young women from around the globe together to make a difference.  This is the 3rd year Kentucky has sent a rose, and I hope to do my home state proud.  I was truly overwhelmed with the support I received from merely announcing the news!

This past Saturday was our first official event as Roses.  We all met, went over the expectations and schedule for the coming month (which is jam packed with exciting things...goodbye February, hello March!), and had an etiquette class taught by Ms. Kentucky 2014 herself: Kelly Anne Beile!  It was so exciting just getting everything started after thinking about it for months.  This coming Saturday are the official interviews with the judges, which I will surely write about once they happen! I can't wait to share this adventure with all of you - and hopefully bring you with me to Ireland this summer via this blog!  

The 2014 KY Roses!

If you want the latest news about the Kentucky Rose of Tralee, like it on Facebook here. There's lots to look forward to - especially the St. Patrick's Day festival and the Rose Ball (contact me if you want tickets!). You can get all of the details for the Rose of Tralee international festival here or follow the twitter here! And don't forget to follow me on twitter as I go on this crazy adventure.

2 of my biggest supporters <33

How to Return Home

Well here we are folks, 2014.  5 days in to the year that, according to social media at least, everyone has huge plans for!  Myself included.  2013 was a strange one, and not one I would be very happy to repeat.  It did have it's great moments.  I, along with three others, put on an incredible production of Miss Julie by August Strindberg all by ourselves!  I went to Florida and performed in my dream show, Spring Awakening!  I went to Disney World!  I moved to New York!

Because I try to focus on the good and positive things in life, I won't get in to the bad stuff that happened.  Honestly, it will probably pop up here on this blog once I get more comfortable in this little cyber-home I've created for my thoughts, but until then, just know that 2013, in one way or another, kicked my butt. So when I packed up my things in New York and schlepped down to Chinatown to get on a 12 hour bus to Cincinnati, I could barely contain my excitement.  I was so happy to be returning home to my family's open arms.

It's all the same except the girl in the hallway
where she's been and who she will ripen into 
your childhood's on the other side of a sprawling divide
too wide
Take a silent breath, hold in the change
tell yourself you still live here...

I got home the day before Christmas Eve, and the Holiday Proper was fantastic.  It was exactly everything I had hoped for: full of family and friends and virtually stress free.  We even all got to go visit my Grandma together, something that hasn't happened in a few years due to the siblings always being in different places.  It was a few days after the magic air of Christmas had settled that I started feeling a little strange.  I kept thinking of the Kerrigan and Lowdermilk song "How to Return Home" and I frankly started to panic.

The personal goal I set for myself when I moved to New York in October was to finally become an adult.  To blossom into the 23 year old woman that I am capable of becoming.  I have always felt like a little girl.  Partially because...well...it's difficult not to when only last summer people were asking me every day if the theatre I was working for found me at Lanesboro Middle School.  I just look young, a fact that is a blessing when it comes to my work onstage!  So yes, other people have something to do with it, but honestly up until this point in my life I have completely played into it.  I took the role as the charming, fun-loving, family fixing little girl off the stage and into my real life because that's what I thought people wanted me to be.  All of the time.  I continued to emulate Annie, Little Mary, and Dinah Lord because in some strange, sick, corner of my brain, I truly believed that's what would make the people around me happiest.

It seems so simple now, but realizing that is not what makes me happiest was a huge revelation, and a huge game changer.  I was walking down Central Park East, on my way home from work, shivering in the city wind, when I realized that I have never been happier than when I was directing Spring Awakening my senior year of college.  I was in charge, I knew exactly what I was doing, no one could tell me I was doing a bad job, and I felt like an adult. For the first time, and the last time since, I had complete and utter confidence in myself and in my work.

There's no written guidelines on how to come back
How to show up and unpack
How to show up
How to grow up
How to take a breath. 

I have to grow up.  We all do.  I feel as if my generation is experiencing some pretty severe emotional growing pains right now being out of college and trying to navigate this terrifying "real world" we were all so excited to enter. I'm sure I'm not alone in the feeling that when I come home I put huge pressure on myself to fall back into the youngest child/little sister role.  I fell back in to old habits quickly, so much so that I was given a huge reality check.  Yet in that moment, I felt my family's support holding me up more than ever.  And that is something that will never change, no matter how long I am away from home or how many years go by.  I will always have their undying love, and will always be able to return home to a safe and welcoming environment.

I won't bore you with details of my resolutions, but the overriding goal of all 8 (yes 8...dream big, I guess) is that by this time next year I will be 100% myself.  Nothing lurking underneath the surface, silencing my BELTING, and clouding my happiness.  Because Katie Berger has NO time for that.

Berger, out.  Happy New Year, everybody!! I hope all your resolutions lead you to a happier, healthier you.  Let's take this ride together!