Random Thanks

It's that time of year again folks.  Thanksgiving is coming up and before we know it it will be December.  This week my Mom is coming to town to celebrate the holiday with me and I couldn't be more excited.  I definitely need some Mom time, especially since the world is getting more and more like an Onion article every single day.  But before I write a post about the big, obvious things I am grateful for, I want to write one about the little, awesome things.  I think they're just as important.

I am thankful for books shared between friends.

I am thankful for a pair of jeans that fit me and that I like to wear.

I am thankful for finding friends in people who I've known for years, connecting over something we never knew we shared until a few months ago.

I am thankful for the smiles and laughs shared between piano and uke players this weekend.

I am thankful for the feeling of laughing so hard you forget to breathe.

I am thankful for coffee.

I am thankful for the surreal feeling of seeing 50 kids all wearing a shirt you designed for the musical you wrote.

I am thankful for my favorite songs and the buzz they put inside my body.

I am thankful for group text messages.

I am thankful for feeling happy for no reason...okay that's silly.  I have plenty of reasons.

I hope you have a wonderful week, my friends!  I am thankful for all of you.

Peace, Love, and Mega-mixes
KT

Two Show Day.

Happy weekend everybody!!  I know what you're thinking..."But KT!! It's Monday!  Stop being cruel!"  True, it is Monday, but in the actor's world Monday is usually the start of our weekend.  On the flip side, our work week here at FreeFall is Thursday - Sunday.  While the rest of the world is wrapping things up at the office, putting the least amount of effort possible on Friday afternoon, checking their phones under their desks, and then going home to enjoy dinner with their families, we are gearing up to perform.  I've been asked if this reverse schedule is ever annoying ("I can't go out, I'll be in a show...") but honestly, I wouldn't change it.  I get to do exactly what I love most in the world for a living.  Plus, we get to relax, drink wine, and jam on Sunday evenings while the sun goes down.  Most of the world is setting alarms and dreading the next morning...

My very favorite day of the week is Saturday.  Why you ask?  It's a two show day!!  I get to play on stage with my favorite people not once but twice.  I've been asked a few times how we do it twice in one day...so come with me as I walk through a (favorite) day in the life!!  

My Saturdays generally start pretty late.  I try to sleep as late as I can so that I'm well rested for the day ahead.  Once I get up, I'll eat a late brunch like meal (I call it brunch as if I'm fancy or something...but really I just stuff my face with something slathered in peanut butter) and then head out to meet the boys at the office...aka Starbucks. 

Chris, Nick, and I will spend some quality time sipping iced coffee and doing whatever we need to do.  I generally catch up on blogging, journalling, working on my musical, reading, or checking out auditions in the area.  Before we know it it's time to head to the theatre for our first show of the day. 

One of my favorite things in life is getting to the theatre every day and having Daniel, our stage manager say "Welcome to work!"  It's such a simple thing but always puts me in such a great and happy mood! What's more, I love a matinee because I get to do my time honored tradition of the MATINEE MOLE!!  I learned this tradition from the Mark Hardy, and I will never do a matinee without one.

I also take a moment before each show to thank my body for everything it does for me.  This usually ends up being a moment of I LOVE MY HAIR LOOK AT THE BEAST GROWING STRONGER EVERY DAY. But seriously look at it.  God, I love recovery.

Then we do the show!!

This past Saturday was especially great because I was able to spend time in between shows with my MAMACITA aka my best friend aka the incomparable PAM! We went to Leafy Greens Cafe here in beautiful St. Pete...the perfect in between show fuel! 

Absolutely delicious!  We were raving about it for hours after we actually ate.  After fueling up, it's time to head back to FreeFall for show #2.  I take off my matinee mole and spend time reading in my dressing room, listening to Cameron and Joseph talk about me through the vent. #princessfrances. 

Time to climb that mountain again!!  

After two performances of this particular show, my body is definitely tired, but in the best way possible.  I once again thank it for everything it allows me to do and refuel it so that it continues to be healthy and strong.  As I've said before, this time one, two, or even three years ago, this show would have probably put me in the hospital.  The amount of singing it requires of me would have caused me to lose my voice, "Little Women" style.  Many notes in this score I was not even able to produce at the height of my disorder.  Being able to belt up to the rafters during the finale makes me happier than anything ever has. 

We spend 5 shows a week (we all wish it was more!!) telling this beautiful story.  We make connections with each other and the audience, giving it our all, and bearing our souls.  Saturdays are long but overwhelmingly gratifying, and after 5 emotional performances, we are able to kick back and watch the Florida sun set over the water. 

The life of a professional actress might seem strange to some, but it's my life, and I can say with all the honesty in my heart that I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Tummy Troubles.

Happy June!  I, for one, cannot believe it is already June 1st...I also can't believe that we open in less than 2 weeks (cast members, let's all just take a deep breath together).  I am having a blast here in Florida rehearsing for The Burnt Part Boys, and Frances is quickly becoming my favorite role I've ever played.

Pretty much everything about my first full week in rehearsal has been perfect except for one tiny thing...tummy troubles.  I'm gonna give you the option to STOP READING this post NOW if talk of gastrointestinal distress, bloating, and bowel movements freaks you out in anyway.  Just...click that handy little X.  BUT, I for one would be in much worse state of mind if there weren't people in the online recovery community who were annoyingly open and honest in sharing their experiences with recovery bloat and compromised digestive systems.  I would probably think I was dying...hell, I DID think I was dying last September when I was going through a particularly bad period of stomach stress.

SO - here it is.  While recovering from an ED, you're digestive system is absolutely going to freak out. You have been treating it very badly with whatever behaviors you used (restriction, bingeing, purging, etc.) and therefore, it is extremely compromised.  With anorexia, you have to be very careful in the refeeding process, or else you can experience what is known as "refeeding syndrome" which can have fatal effects.  No matter what though, you are going to experience recovery bloat. You are going to experience bouts of constipation (sometimes lasting for longer than a week...it's disgusting and uncomfortable) followed by bouts of diarrhea.  You just are.  It's going to suck. It's going to make you cry.  You're going to feel like you are a giant balloon animal.  You are going to hate it...but you have to go through it in order for your system to normalize.  You're entire digestive tract is trying desperately to relearn everything.

As someone who had a delicate system before she made it even more delicate (I'M AWESOME!), I have come up with lots of ways to make myself feel better when I feel like a blimp and what to cut a hole in my stomach for easier drainage purposes:
1. Drink, drink, DRINK.  The more water the better. Your stomach will feel like it's swimming, but it helps move things along.  Drink at least 3 times the amount you normally do.
2. KEEP EATING EVERY MEAL.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT restrict. It seems counter intuitive and it will be the last thing you want to do, but trust me. If you restrict, your body will think it's preparing for famine and therefore will hold on to any food you put in for dear life. Make sure to get plenty of healthy fats and oils, as this will make things easier to pass.  I find that it's better to eat dense food with less volume...that way you get the calories but not as much bloat (think nut butters, avocados, etc).
3. Take short, light walks.  Nothing too strenuous, just to keep things moving.
4. Wear baggy, comfortable clothes that feel good on the belly.  No tights or close fitting shirts...not trying to be a hero here, folks.
5. Try to stay away from pictures or body checking.  Do NOT weigh yourself.
6. Deep, juicy, yoga stretches.  This can help movement and just make you feel good!
7. Try to focus on other things.  This will be hard, but I believe in you.
8. If the issue persists, PLEASE go see a doctor.

You are going to be fine.  And just think, if you keep on truckin' with recovery, soon your system will work itself out and find a healthy balance.  This too shall pass....literally.

<33

Cracks

Happy Monday, world!!  I would like to share with you a piece I wrote a few days ago. Let's not even pretend like this isn't a recovery blog...I started it very vaguely hoping that when I was ready I could morph it into a safe place where I could put my feelings about recovery, share my journey, and hopefully inspire and help people who are struggling with similar demons.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for allowing me to do that. Taking control of my recovery process has given me a high unlike any brain buzz my disorder ever allowed me. 

A picture of me. 100% Katie Berger. 2008.


 

Cracks.

You attempt to draw road maps back to the inciting action of your self-destruction, your therapist handing you the necessary sketching tools.  Surely there must be one great moment of trauma.  One villain forcing your hand and starving your mind.

You meticulously unpack suitcase after suitcase of emotional baggage.  Sorting through memories instead of sleeping.  Searching desperately for a cause.  Because if there’s a cause, there’s an enemy to fight against.  If there’s a cause, this will make sense.  If there’s a cause, you are once again in control…the very addiction you are trying to break.

After months of trading one obsession for the other, you start to realize the ugly, horrifying, truth.  There is no one moment.  There is no one plot twist, one gaping hole in the wall.  There are millions…millions of miniscule moments, looks, words, questions, feelings…each one contributing to tiny, microscopic cracks in your confident finish.  They span years.  The sight of the foreign language scrawled across your father’s neck from his radiation treatment, which you are unable to decipher but constantly reminds you that there are things unknown. The buzz in your brain the first time you throw away your uneaten home-made sandwich after working through your lunch period, opting instead to perfect your music theory assignments.  The look of shame and panic on your friend’s face as she shoves spoonful after spoonful of peanut butter into her mouth, the words “gym tomorrow, gym tomorrow, gym tomorrow” practically vibrating off of her skin.  The feeling of directors undressing you with their eyes, anxiously wondering how old you really look, even though you can’t order a glass of Merlot without being questioned (not that you would anyway).  The dozens of times you walked down the halls, hearing “frail” as the highest of compliments and “sickly” as the ultimate goal.  You steel yourself against it, having been raised to love yourself, exuding with worth, never falling prey to peer pressure.  But like any successful brainwashing, repetition is key, and before you know it you are the unspoken example of emaciation.  A demi-god of deprivation.  You hear whispers and shoot back dirty looks, high on the strange power you’ve cultivated, forming an addiction to the fact that you are the only one capable of the self-control they all so desperately yearn for.  Forming an addiction to loneliness.

These cracks are countless and overwhelming.  The task of piecing the broken shards back together seems absolutely impossible.  There’s no way you can find them all, let alone glue them into some semblance of normality.  You obsess (because that’s the only thing you know how to do anymore) over how to perfectly plaster over all of these pesky cracks, and just like when you discovered the seemingly neverending moments of destruction, you begin to uncover moments of creation as well.  Shockingly, the process is similar because they are so infinitesimal.  The feeling of your voice soaring above the same notes you were once too weak to sing.  The look a stranger gives you when you smile while passing, their focus on the hope in your eyes, their gaze never wandering down to your collarbone.  The sound of your coworker casually telling you how pretty you look, after spending and hour agonizing over the fact that surely your face has swollen to three times its normal size.  The mornings you wake up free of guilt, your brain buzzing – not from hunger fog, but with ideas.  These moments are the dabs of glue making the process of putting this puzzle back together possible.  Piece by piece the shell that was weak enough to break in the first place is cobbled together to form something that is so magnificent, so imperfect, so strong.  The bits of broken glass are slowly soldered back together, and when you step back, you don’t see a wall, a shell, a battlement.  You see a glorious stained glass window, and the light is unabashedly streaming through.

 

Getting there. Piece by piece.

"Through the cracks our voices rise..."