It's These Oblivious Blues...

Hey pretty people.  Sometimes I feel silly writing things like my "100 reasons to recover" or my ~inspirational poetry~ because I am in the throes of recovery just like the people I am trying to help with these posts.  I am going through it.  I have not overcome it.  Every single day is a battle. Before I really get started discussing things I want to say that I am NOT in ANY WAY fishing for compliments with this post.  These are just my thoughts and feelings and I want to put them out there to let people know that they are not alone if they are having bad days.

The other day was particularly bad.  If you've never dealt with depression, it's very hard to comprehend.  I highly recommend reading "Hyperbole and a Half" (not only the blog, but the book) to get a better grasp on going through depression in this day and age.  It explains it incredibly well and with plenty of humor.  I read the book in one sitting (on the floor of the 82nd St. Barnes and Noble in Manhattan after a particularly harrowing therapy session on a cold winter's night.  Nothing like it getting dark at 5pm in NYC to bring out all the sadness burritos).  It strangely made me feel a lot better, just because I knew that I wasn't alone.  There was at least one person out there who was feeling things similar to how I was feeling, and since she was able to get a book published about it, odds were that there were a slew of other people having those feelings too!

Due to recovery, my brain chemistry is all whack-a-doodle right now.  If anyone out there in the universe really believes that eating disorders are NOT mental disorders, they can just come play with me for a week and then reevaluate their life decisions.  It's so frustrating and so hard to constantly be trying to rise above the feelings of self-loathing and hatred that cloud my vision day in and day out.  You're probably thinking "But KT, you never seemed like that to me!!" Awesome!  That is because the self-loathing manifested itself in a different way (I...starved myself. So. There's that). Self-love is a thing I am working on with every ounce of strength I can muster, and the other day I just couldn't do it.  Feelings of worthlessness were keeping me glued to my bed, and I was pretty positive that everything would just be better if I disappeared completely. I didn't have motivation to do anything. I know now that that was Emily talking (Emily is the name I gave my disorder, for those of you who don't know), but boy was she loud.  It was like there was a running track of her just repeating the word "worthless, worthless, worthless" in my ear.  That, my friends, is exhausting.

As I was spiraling into oblivion, I heard the "doo-doo" of a facebook notification.  It was my friend Matt commenting on the private group I created in 2011 for my beautiful, amazing cast of "Spring Awakening" that I directed my senior year of college.  Of course we are all still in the group (as Andy put it "WHY ARE WE ALL STILL IN THIS GROUP? *stays in group*") , and of course I scrolled through all the past posts, and then the pictures, and I realized that if I hadn't been around, this amazing experience would never have happened for those 13 other people who are still in that group.  I did it. It was my baby, and it is still the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.

So of course, the moral of the story is that none of us are worthless.  It may seem like I have learned my lesson.  That I'm going to go outside and do some paddle turns in the streets because life is looking up!!  That's not really how it works, though.  Just know that sometimes getting out of bed is a huge triumph.  That looking out the window is enough to justify a nap. That you deserve to cry, you deserve to rest, and you definitely deserve to eat.  No matter what, you are worthy.  There's a lot that has happened in this world because you exist.

<33

Savannah Highlights

Before making my way to St. Pete to start working on "The Burnt Part Boys", my Mom and I went to Savannah to visit my brother!  I was incredibly excited to go because I've never been and I love being able to spend time with Andy.  The city totally exceeded my expectations!  I absolutely loved it...here are some highlights of how we spent our time there:

-Walking and exploring: I was immediately overwhelmed with how beautiful and historic the city was.  I could feel the spirits and stories everywhere, and of course the spanish moss hanging from every tree made it even more picturesque.  

-Dinner at Kayak Cafe .

-Ukulele jam sessions. 

-Daily breakfast at The Sentient Bean: This was definitely one of my favorite places we discovered.  Every morning we would walk through Forsyth Park and fuel up on organic, fair trade coffee and fresh, vegan baked goods.   Their iced coffee was delicious, and every day I tried a different pastry.  But all of that pales in comparison to the real treat - people watching.  What with SCAD students buzzing around, the natural foods market right next door, and vagabonds trying to give away litters of kittens across the street, you could spend hours there just observing. 

- Shops and Squares: We spent the majority of the afternoons walking around Savannah, exploring the different shops and the myriad of squares the city has to offer. We also walked around the cemetery which of course was a highlight for me. Mom scored some fancy salt at The Salt Table, and I was able to while away some time in a heavenly book shop called The Book Lady.
                                                  

-Savannah Sandgnats Baseball Game: This might have been my favorite thing we did!  Wednesday evening we went to a minor league baseball game (after waiting out the rain for a bit).  It was a blast and the Sandgnats won 6-1!!

- The Jepson Center Art Museum.

- The Owens-Thomas House.

- The Cathedral.

- Dinner at The Green Truck Pub.

- A trip to the beach.

- A stop at a fruit stand for boiled peanuts.

- Flannery O'Connor's childhood home.

- Happy Hour at Mellow Mushroom: They wouldn't take my hard earned Mellow Bucks. 

-People watching and sunshine soaking in Forsyth Park.

Savannah was so much fun...a huge thanks to Andy and Dawn for being our hosts for the week.  If you can't tell, I love travelling with my Mom.  We always have so much fun together and some how we never want to strangle each other.  So that's cool. 

St. Pete, here I come!! 

I used to know...

Some poetry for your Monday...enjoy!

***

I used to know a girl who would shudder and yelp at an unexpected touch.

Who would walk up the stairs to her room

carefully placing what little heft she retained

on each step

to make the smallest

amount

of noise

possible.

She would attempt to leave unnoticed

disappearing into her daily adventures alone and unaccounted for

hoping no one would come looking.

I used to know a girl who would snap at a look or a question.

Who would retreat into herself and pray to any higher power who would listen

that her lunch break not coincide with anyone else's

so that she could eat free of judgement

(this excludes the voice screaming at her inside her own head

tearing her down

making her question everything she put into her mouth, of course). 

I used to know a girl who would stop whatever she was doing at midnight

and go be by herself. 

What was she afraid of?

That the clock would strike and it would all be a dream?

That her overactive imagination had finally gotten the better of her?

Or maybe, that any minute she would achieve the unattainable goal that had bested her for so long.

To disappear. 

I used to know a girl who moved through space as if cameras were following her.

Who would flood her mind with music

because every good story has a soundtrack, after all.

I used to know a girl who craved touch so intensely

that she never thought twice about casually holding her sister's hand 

while walking down Limestone. 

She never flinched when her best friend laid his tired head on her shoulder

on hot, end of the semester choir rehearsals. 

She didn't flush with embarrassment when castmates spooned her

on a stage floor after a particularly tiring matinee.

I used to know a girl who sang so loud that heads would turn

in disbelief.

Who laughed so loud no one could deny which lunch period she was in.

I used to know a girl who made her presence known.

Who wanted to change the world.

Who wanted to be seen.

She is still there inside of me, clamoring to fully inhabit the woman I am struggling to become.

I love her so fiercely. 

Her passion for life floors me.

Her dreams humble me.

She believes with all her soul that she can do anything.

And I will.

We Run Things, Things Don't Run We.

Happy Mother's day to all the mothers out there!  Especially to my beautiful Mamacita, Pam!  If you know me at all, you know that she is my best friend and partner in crime, and I am honored to be a carbon copy of that ladle.  She's just the best!

Because your mother's love might seem insane

It's cause she really knows everything

Love like that can't be measured anyway. 

In other news...I have a new video to share!  This has absolutely nothing to do with Mother's day, but Pam does make an appearance at the beginning for the video, pretending to care what key I sing the song in. Gotta love her.  So here's my latest cover!!

  

Enjoy!! 

100 Reasons to Recover...

Often during recovery, bad thoughts and temptations get in the way and cloud your judgement.  When that happens, I look at this list...my 100 reasons to recover.  There are countless more that I discover every day, but this list always grounds me and makes me so happy to be alive. 

1. So I can be onstage and tell my story.

2. So that I can be there for my friends when they are struggling just like they have been there for me.
3. So I can be a positive role model.
4. So that I can help people.
5. So that next time I see my brother, I won't be relapsing like the last 2 times he came to visit. So he can see that I've actually made progress. That I am getting better. That I am taking charge of my life.  He can be proud of me and worry just a little less.

6. Because I deserve to love myself.

7.  So that my mom can stop worrying about her 23 year old, adult daughter. 

8.  So that I can stop having panic attacks about the panic attacks that I keep having in front of my sister.

9. So I can go long distance hiking, hopefully on the AT!! I want to conquer the trail, summit mountains, be a part of the wonder of nature, and NOT fall over backwards because my pack weighs more than I do.

10. So that I can travel the world.

11. Because I'M HILARIOUS.

12. Because I always...ALWAYS finish what I've started.

13. Because I always...ALWAYS stick to the plan. My plan is to recover. 

14. Because life is too short.

15. Brownies.

16. So I can go back to NYC, be an actress, party like a rockstar, and not want to just sleep constantly.
17. SINGING!!!
18. Angela.
19. So that I can play some more dream roles.
20. So that people look at me because I'm radiating with joy, not because they're worried about me.
21. So that I can make people smile.
22. So that I can learn new and exciting things with a fully functioning brain.
23. Because my smile is a beacon that needs to shine all the way to heaven to light the Mark World of Delight.
24. So that I can be on Broadway.
25. So that I can carry heavy things without falling down and having people laugh at me.
26. Pizza.
27. So that I can bake delicious treats and actually eat them with everyone at the same time.
28. So that I can finish my musical and share it with the world.
29. So that I'm not cold all the time.
30. MY HAIR!!
31. So that I can go out dancing.

32. So that I can go out drinking.

33. So that I can experience new and exciting foods from around the world.

34. So that I can be spontaneous!

35. So that I can order bar food and not feel guilty.

36. So I can write a book.

37. So I can meet my soulmate and fall in love. 

38. So I can be a mom and raise my children to love and accept themselves and others.

39. High notes.

40. Flexibility - both mentally and physically.

41. Recovery tattoo.

42. No more starvation brain fog.

43. No more lanugo.

44. No more awkward bruising.

45. Food anytime, anywhere, with anyone.

46. So I can go to Australia.

47. No more food lies.

48. No more fear of intimacy.

49. To enjoy holidays.

50. To not plan ahead.

51. To not live by rules, rules, rules.

52. So that I can create something amazing!

53. So that I can ride a bike for miles and miles and feel like I'm flying. 

54. To explore!

55. To make new friends. 

56. Orange Juice.

57. My voice in my brain and no one else's. 

58. Awkward ED humor.

59. So that I can be a motivational speaker and eventually speak on NKU's campus...preferably the theatre department...

60. So I can be a casting director.

61. So I never feel like I'm about to pass out while I"m driving. 

62. So my children can be disgustingly close with their cousins.

63. So my children can marry Robyn's children.

64. So I can be more and more like Shirley Temple (my queen) every day. 

65. There are a lot of books to read.

66. There are a lot of movies to see.

67. There are a lot of shows to watch.

68. So that I can eventually play Emily on stage and not be terrified.

69. Tap dancing.

70. Disney World.

71. Because I'm strong and people assume I'm weak...I love proving people wrong.
72. Because there are so many people in this world who deserve more but can't see it.  I want to show them that it's possible.
73. So that my story can have a happy ending.
74. Yoga.
75. Smoothies.
76. So I can make my Dad proud.

77. So that I can hike the Alps as an adult.

78. So that my siblings and I can grow old together and keep having fun.

79. So I can be in Beth's wedding.

80. So I can be in Robyn's wedding. 

81. So I can be in Sarah R's wedding.

82. So I can be in Jessica's wedding.

83. Because my Mom is the best ever and doesn't deserve this.

84. Because I have come so far already.

85. There are so many delicious treats to be nommed.

86. So I can have my own cat.

87. Because I want to make my children surprise lunches.

88. Because I want my musical to change someone's life for the better.

89. So I can speak/sing at NCYC. 

90. Panini Church

91. So I can go back and have a D-town day with Sarah and Carla.

92. Because everybody loves pie.

93. Because my family has been so supportive and wonderful.

94. Daffodils.

95. So I can go to the world cup and cheer on my boys.

96. So that I can free up all that brain space.

97. So that I never feel silent again.

98. Because I have so much to give to the world.

99. Because I've only just begun.

100.  BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE END OF MY STORY.

A Crane on Wing...

Bereft the weight of our summer clothes...

A song for your beautiful, sunny Thursday afternoon. Enjoy!!

Books, Books, Books!!

It's Wednesday!  Thankfully, my beautiful, new Chromebook laptop was delivered to me this afternoon, so I can kick this blogging back into high gear!  I've only done a few posts since my old lappy died (RIP) but now that I have a new and improved computer, I will be doing more posts.

This week for book day, I'm going to do a sort of "lightning round" style of reviewing.  I've read four books since my last review , so instead of doing a separate post for each one, I will just do four shorter reviews in one fell swoop!  Here we go!

The Geeks Shall Inherit The Earth - By Alexandra Robbins

I've been on a bit of a non-fiction kick lately, and I tore through this book like there was no tomorrow.  I ended up being so passionate about it, in fact, that Beth asked me to do a post  over on her blog!  I found myself absolutely enthralled with these individual's lives - delving into the psyche of teenagers by way of anthropological research!  I've talked enough about how important I believe coming of age stories are, and in this book you get to take a peek into real coming of age stories, sometimes with outcomes you wouldn't expect.  You will find yourself thinking back to high school with all sorts of different emotions, but in the end you will be proud of the accomplishments, lessons, and quirks that defined your four years.  Please hop on over to Beth's blog to read more of my thoughts!

The Way - by Kristen Wolf

I have a strange, book related tradition that I have kept for some time now - around Christmas, I read "How Far to Bethlehem" (yes, every year) and around Easter I read some sort of Jesus related book. This year, I decided to go with "The Way", which takes the story we know so well and turns it into something completely new!  While the writing left a bit to be desired, it was fascinating seeing this story play out (especially because I knew what was going to happen in the end).  Without giving too much away, this novel follows Anna, an extremely strong and powerful girl who has always been called "handsome" instead of the adjectives society generally distributes to those of the female sex.  When her younger brother, Jesus, dies while being born, one thing leads to another and soon the reader is following her on a very unexpected journey.  She is taught the ancient ways of loving the earth and each other from a group of women in the desert, and in turn becomes a teacher herself.  Was it the best Jesus book I've ever read?  Far from it.  But it was very interesting and made me think about a story that has been drilled into my head for years in a completely new way.

Secrets and Wives: The Hidden World of Mormon Polygamy - by Sanjiv Bhattacharya

Mormon Polygamy is one of my favorite topics in the history of the world.  Don't ask me why.  I literally can't get enough. I have spent hours thinking about which number wife I would want to be (I am the best suited to be a second, and I would love to discuss this with you). I wish there were about a trillion more episodes of "Big Love" for me to watch.  I long for a live stream of the Brown households (from "Sister Wives") that I could just creep on whenever I need my fix.  Luckily, there are plenty of books on the subject, many of which I have already read.  This one has been on my list for a while, and I might just have to say it's my favorite so far!  Bhattacharya is fearless in his investigations of the different worlds the Fundamentalist Mormon religion has created throughout the country.  Not to mention he is absolutely hilarious.  I found myself cackling loudly one minute, then cringing with disgust.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  What I loved most was how honest he was.  This quote sums up my feelings, and why I am so utterly obsessed, very well:

"Happiness is a risk, and Mormon Polygamy is full of gamblers, leading lives of purpose and drama, all the things I want in my own life." 

Beyond Belief: My Secret Life Inside Scientology and My Harrowing Escape  - by Jenna Miscavige Hill

Oh man, this book was difficult to read for a few different reasons.  First of all, it really is beyond belief, as the title implies.  My brain was so confused because it thought I was reading a dystopian novel about a futuristic world!!  I had to constantly remind myself that this was a true story, and that this woman who is not much older than me went through it.  Second of all, the narrative voice is a bit robotic and disturbing.  As you're reading it, you can definitely tell Jenna was brainwashed.  Lastly, the things she had to go through are very shocking, and I found myself having to take breathers to wrap my head around what was happening!  All of that aside, this book was astounding.  I recommend it to anyone who is interested in cult-like religions, or if you have just read one too many books on Mormon Polygamy and need some new cray cray thing to read about.

What have you been reading?! I'd love to know!