Florida's Finest

Some highlights from the past few days in the sunshine state!!

Music rehearsals, new friends, ukulele jam sessions, beach time, sunshine, barbecues, cards against humanity, and all of the fun.

So, so, so happy.

<33

Thoughts on Happiness.

Happy Memorial day, friends!!  I hope you all are enjoying the day and the sunshine. I am safely in St. Pete, spending the day drilling lines so that I can feel completely prepared for rehearsal tomorrow!

I am currently reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin.  I'm about half way through, and I have really enjoyed reading it thus far.  As someone who is on her own journey towards happiness, balance, and self discovery, there are aspects of the book I definitely identify with.  What's also great is her philosophy is one I ascribe to (even though I don't always follow it) - that happiness is a choice and something you have to work for...it's not just going to fall into your lap.  Her "12 commandments" and "Happiness Resolutions" got me thinking a lot about my own aspects of happiness - what makes me truly happy?

After giving it some thought and taking extensive notes (because I am Hermione Granger, nice to meet you), I came up with my own personal list.  I took some cues from Rubin herself, and created my own goals, cobbling together my own happiness project.

KT's Pillars of Happiness 

1. Be 100% KT Berger.
2. Let go, let flow.
3. Take control of what needs to be controlled.  As someone with an actual, diagnosed addiction to control, this is a very delicate balance.  The moment I decided to take control of my recovery and let go of my disorder, I felt a huge cosmic shift in my life.  I felt powerful, whereas the control I cultivated with my ED left me feeling weak and unhappy.
4. Fake it 'til you make it - Act the way you want to feel.
5. Allow yourself to rest. It is so important.
6. Give in to cravings of all kinds.  Not just food (but mostly food).  If you're craving some juicy yoga stretches, do them.  If you're craving a cathartic release, go scream and punch your pillow. If you're craving pizza...you know the answer.
7. Life is a journey, enjoy the process, and don't beat yourself up about relapses.
8. Be honest with your feelings and express them in a healthy, constructive way.
9. Be honest with the people around you.  Lying and fabricating only makes things harder in the long run.
10. Allow yourself to truly connect with others.
11. Don't worry if others are judging you for not "doing enough."  This is a hard one for me that I was forced to deal with a lot these last few months.
12. Do what fills your cup up with joy, and attempt to have fun with every task you're given.
13. BREAK RULES.  The rush that comes from defying Emily's voice is a high unlike any other!!
14. Celebrate EVERY. SINGLE. VICTORY.  No matter how small.
15. Take pride in your work.  You could be changing someone's life.

One of the most important things that brings me joy and happiness no matter what state I am in is to spend time with others.  For a long time I identified myself so intensely as a classic introvert, when if you really know me (especially if you knew me in high school) you KNOW that I crave connection.  It is my drug of choice!  Over the past few months I've really been working on bringing back those more extroverted parts of me, and while I still love hanging out in my room and reading into the wee hours of the morning, I'm so sick of isolating and alienating myself.  Spending time with friends rejuvenates me and thrills me, and I never regret hanging out (I do however, often regret staying at home and overthinking everything ever)!  As corny as it is...I love people.  Here are some of those people!!

Look at all those beautiful faces!! Jeez, I have the best friends.

What are some of the things that bring you joy and happiness? I'd love to know!

I'm BAAAaaaack!!

Today felt like the first day back at school!  It was such a lovely day of hugs and happy reunions.  

My cup is definitely overflowing today, ya'll

Keep shining <33

Progress.

8 months ago I would have never taken an entire day to just let my body rest for the sake of resting.

8 months ago I would have never committed a whole day to finishing books and perfecting an accent by reading to myself out loud for an hour straight.

8 months ago I would have never taken a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day and woken up smiling.

8 months ago I would have never ordered a margarita with dinner.

8 months ago I would have never ordered a second margarita.

8 months ago I would have never laughed so loud or so long because the chatter in my brain was making everything incredibly unfunny.

8 months ago I hated myself.

I like myself a whole lot more now.
And that, my friends, is progress.

<33

It's These Oblivious Blues...

Hey pretty people.  Sometimes I feel silly writing things like my "100 reasons to recover" or my ~inspirational poetry~ because I am in the throes of recovery just like the people I am trying to help with these posts.  I am going through it.  I have not overcome it.  Every single day is a battle. Before I really get started discussing things I want to say that I am NOT in ANY WAY fishing for compliments with this post.  These are just my thoughts and feelings and I want to put them out there to let people know that they are not alone if they are having bad days.

The other day was particularly bad.  If you've never dealt with depression, it's very hard to comprehend.  I highly recommend reading "Hyperbole and a Half" (not only the blog, but the book) to get a better grasp on going through depression in this day and age.  It explains it incredibly well and with plenty of humor.  I read the book in one sitting (on the floor of the 82nd St. Barnes and Noble in Manhattan after a particularly harrowing therapy session on a cold winter's night.  Nothing like it getting dark at 5pm in NYC to bring out all the sadness burritos).  It strangely made me feel a lot better, just because I knew that I wasn't alone.  There was at least one person out there who was feeling things similar to how I was feeling, and since she was able to get a book published about it, odds were that there were a slew of other people having those feelings too!

Due to recovery, my brain chemistry is all whack-a-doodle right now.  If anyone out there in the universe really believes that eating disorders are NOT mental disorders, they can just come play with me for a week and then reevaluate their life decisions.  It's so frustrating and so hard to constantly be trying to rise above the feelings of self-loathing and hatred that cloud my vision day in and day out.  You're probably thinking "But KT, you never seemed like that to me!!" Awesome!  That is because the self-loathing manifested itself in a different way (I...starved myself. So. There's that). Self-love is a thing I am working on with every ounce of strength I can muster, and the other day I just couldn't do it.  Feelings of worthlessness were keeping me glued to my bed, and I was pretty positive that everything would just be better if I disappeared completely. I didn't have motivation to do anything. I know now that that was Emily talking (Emily is the name I gave my disorder, for those of you who don't know), but boy was she loud.  It was like there was a running track of her just repeating the word "worthless, worthless, worthless" in my ear.  That, my friends, is exhausting.

As I was spiraling into oblivion, I heard the "doo-doo" of a facebook notification.  It was my friend Matt commenting on the private group I created in 2011 for my beautiful, amazing cast of "Spring Awakening" that I directed my senior year of college.  Of course we are all still in the group (as Andy put it "WHY ARE WE ALL STILL IN THIS GROUP? *stays in group*") , and of course I scrolled through all the past posts, and then the pictures, and I realized that if I hadn't been around, this amazing experience would never have happened for those 13 other people who are still in that group.  I did it. It was my baby, and it is still the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me.

So of course, the moral of the story is that none of us are worthless.  It may seem like I have learned my lesson.  That I'm going to go outside and do some paddle turns in the streets because life is looking up!!  That's not really how it works, though.  Just know that sometimes getting out of bed is a huge triumph.  That looking out the window is enough to justify a nap. That you deserve to cry, you deserve to rest, and you definitely deserve to eat.  No matter what, you are worthy.  There's a lot that has happened in this world because you exist.

<33

Savannah Highlights

Before making my way to St. Pete to start working on "The Burnt Part Boys", my Mom and I went to Savannah to visit my brother!  I was incredibly excited to go because I've never been and I love being able to spend time with Andy.  The city totally exceeded my expectations!  I absolutely loved it...here are some highlights of how we spent our time there:

-Walking and exploring: I was immediately overwhelmed with how beautiful and historic the city was.  I could feel the spirits and stories everywhere, and of course the spanish moss hanging from every tree made it even more picturesque.  

-Dinner at Kayak Cafe .

-Ukulele jam sessions. 

-Daily breakfast at The Sentient Bean: This was definitely one of my favorite places we discovered.  Every morning we would walk through Forsyth Park and fuel up on organic, fair trade coffee and fresh, vegan baked goods.   Their iced coffee was delicious, and every day I tried a different pastry.  But all of that pales in comparison to the real treat - people watching.  What with SCAD students buzzing around, the natural foods market right next door, and vagabonds trying to give away litters of kittens across the street, you could spend hours there just observing. 

- Shops and Squares: We spent the majority of the afternoons walking around Savannah, exploring the different shops and the myriad of squares the city has to offer. We also walked around the cemetery which of course was a highlight for me. Mom scored some fancy salt at The Salt Table, and I was able to while away some time in a heavenly book shop called The Book Lady.
                                                  

-Savannah Sandgnats Baseball Game: This might have been my favorite thing we did!  Wednesday evening we went to a minor league baseball game (after waiting out the rain for a bit).  It was a blast and the Sandgnats won 6-1!!

- The Jepson Center Art Museum.

- The Owens-Thomas House.

- The Cathedral.

- Dinner at The Green Truck Pub.

- A trip to the beach.

- A stop at a fruit stand for boiled peanuts.

- Flannery O'Connor's childhood home.

- Happy Hour at Mellow Mushroom: They wouldn't take my hard earned Mellow Bucks. 

-People watching and sunshine soaking in Forsyth Park.

Savannah was so much fun...a huge thanks to Andy and Dawn for being our hosts for the week.  If you can't tell, I love travelling with my Mom.  We always have so much fun together and some how we never want to strangle each other.  So that's cool. 

St. Pete, here I come!! 

I used to know...

Some poetry for your Monday...enjoy!

***

I used to know a girl who would shudder and yelp at an unexpected touch.

Who would walk up the stairs to her room

carefully placing what little heft she retained

on each step

to make the smallest

amount

of noise

possible.

She would attempt to leave unnoticed

disappearing into her daily adventures alone and unaccounted for

hoping no one would come looking.

I used to know a girl who would snap at a look or a question.

Who would retreat into herself and pray to any higher power who would listen

that her lunch break not coincide with anyone else's

so that she could eat free of judgement

(this excludes the voice screaming at her inside her own head

tearing her down

making her question everything she put into her mouth, of course). 

I used to know a girl who would stop whatever she was doing at midnight

and go be by herself. 

What was she afraid of?

That the clock would strike and it would all be a dream?

That her overactive imagination had finally gotten the better of her?

Or maybe, that any minute she would achieve the unattainable goal that had bested her for so long.

To disappear. 

I used to know a girl who moved through space as if cameras were following her.

Who would flood her mind with music

because every good story has a soundtrack, after all.

I used to know a girl who craved touch so intensely

that she never thought twice about casually holding her sister's hand 

while walking down Limestone. 

She never flinched when her best friend laid his tired head on her shoulder

on hot, end of the semester choir rehearsals. 

She didn't flush with embarrassment when castmates spooned her

on a stage floor after a particularly tiring matinee.

I used to know a girl who sang so loud that heads would turn

in disbelief.

Who laughed so loud no one could deny which lunch period she was in.

I used to know a girl who made her presence known.

Who wanted to change the world.

Who wanted to be seen.

She is still there inside of me, clamoring to fully inhabit the woman I am struggling to become.

I love her so fiercely. 

Her passion for life floors me.

Her dreams humble me.

She believes with all her soul that she can do anything.

And I will.