2014

...So that’s how I started my new year. 2014. With tunnel vision from lack of oxygen. With my brother stroking my back, telling me to just breathe, you’ll get through this. With me wishing I didn’t have to feel anymore. With my mother in tears telling me she can’t keep watching me kill myself.  

In 2014 I...

Relapsed.
Cried.
Had lots of panic attacks.
Played Bingo.
Had numerous days when I couldn't get out of bed.
Spent countless hours on my living room couch.
Missed Emily.
Hated Emily.
Hated myself.
Yelled at Emily.
Played a lot of ukulele.
Watched a lot of Netflix..
Thought I would never get passed the bad part of recovery.
Rediscovered how fucking awesome my curls are.
Was in a parade.
Entered a pageant.
Got banned from a pageant.
Got fired.
Quit.
Went to a lot of therapy.
Wrote a lot of songs.
Relapsed again.
Spent a lot of time on tumblr.
Faked it.
Did a lot of art.
Reconnected with amazing friends.
Went to Savannah.
Moved to St. Pete.
Made some best friends.
Fell in love with a few Burnt Part Boys.
Went to the beach.
Watched a lot of soccer.
Climbed that mountain.
Looked up and headed for the sun.
Missed my boys.
Got an apartment.
Relapsed again.
Went into the woods.
Waited in the dark until I set myself free.
Knew things now.
Cried a lot.
Cried some more.
Won an award.
Conquered some demons.
Made some more friends.
Found a family.
Had a lot of feelings.
Wrote.
Sang.
Freaked out.
Wrote some more.
Finished a musical.
Shared that musical.
Went back again, only different than before.

Top 5 Moments of 2014:

1. Burnt Part Boys
2. Getting my tiny home
3. TTB Awards
4. Into the Woods
5. Full

Now let's see how I did with those resolutions....
1. Kick Emily Out 
2. Finish my musical
3. Up my yoga game 
4. Up my uke game 
5. Blog
6. Get back to NYC - This resolution was made when I still felt like I was failing at being a human and the only way to stop failing was to somehow get back to New York City.  Little did I know what the universe had in store for me.  Instead of schlepping my way back to a restaurant job in the big apple, I went south to St. Pete where I have found so much happiness, artistic fulfillment, and the best family a girl could ask for.  I still want to get back to NYC eventually (Mike and Miriam, I can't promise emotional stability as a roomie, but I can promise that we will always have the CUTEST APARTMENT IN THE WORLD and I will always walk our hypothetical future dog), but I really really love where I am right now, and I am proud to call St. Pete home.

Get at me, 2015...

Coming Home.

Coming home a year ago was really hard. I was excited to get out of NYC because I felt like I was failing.  I was failing at recovery, failing at living in the city, failing at making enough money to sustain my treatment, and most of all I was absolutely failing at anorexia. Now I know that you can't put your faith in a cape and a hood, they will not protect you the way that they should.  My disorder had become my security blanket (much like Little Red found comfort in her cape) and it was slowly slipping away from me which was the scariest thing that had ever happened.  But I also felt like I wasn't recovering very well or very quickly.  I was in a strange no man's land - not disordered, not recovered...not a little girl, but not an adult. So I came home because I honestly didn't know what else to do.  I had to put everything on hold and commit myself 100% to detoxing anorexia out of my life. Needless to say I relapsed about 3 days into being back.  Awesome.  New Years Eve I even broke out my old bag of tricks and told my mom I was eating with my sister, told my sister I had eaten with my mom, and then didn't eat at all. I felt the buzz of hunger in my brain that night, and coasted on the high for as long as I could.  I felt invincible.  I felt light.  And then I woke up feeling like absolute crap the next morning, and proceeded to have maybe the worst panic attack of my life.  I felt very much like I was back to square one.

Why am I telling you all this?  Because it is an extreme case of how hard the holidays and coming home to see family and friends can be. Seeing people and cramming all of our friends into the few short days we have at home can be extremely stressful, even when it doesn't need to be. We tend to revert back to old habits, whether they be restricting, snapping at family, isolating ourselves, or running away (For those of you dealing with ED specific problems, here's a post that might help ease some of the stress).

I mentioned to my Mom last night that I don't identify as an anorexic in any way anymore.  I identify as someone who has recovered.  Who has gone through the battle field and somehow, some way, made it to the other side.  I also don't believe any one ever TRULY loses every single bit of their disorder.  Emily will always whisper in my ear every once in a while (she loves to show up at holiday parties), but while that used to drive me to do irrational things, now I say "lol ok but also you're not real."  That's recovery.  That's coming home and being excited to see my family and friends.

Just remember when you're venturing home for the holidays that people are going to probably say stupid things.  Loved ones might make a comment about how you act or look differently.  Siblings might push your buttons.  Parents might nag you.  Friends might seem distant.  But that is no reason to change or lose the growth you have accomplished over the past year.  We are ever changing beings in this insane, difficult, amazing world - and we deserve to celebrate our accomplishments.

Happy Holidays, everyone.  I love you. <33

I know that there is so much more...

Outside there are choices

Colors, warmth, and giving.

If I could just get out there I'd be very good at living. 

I started writing "FULL" last October after a particularly trying day of treatment.  I was walking home and images, sounds, and lyrics filled my brain.  I fell asleep writing that night.  I don't care what higher power you ascribe to, but I know at that moment I was experiencing something divine that I never had before.  It was like ideas were pouring out of me and I couldn't move my pen or strum my ukulele fast enough.  Monday night, with the help of some of my best friends in the entire world, I was able to share my creation for the first time. 

I have been having trouble truly putting the experience I had on Monday into words, but I will say it was one of the best nights of my life so far.  The love I felt inside that room was unlike anything I have ever felt.  And that is because of all of you.  For helping me write this story, for your interest and kind words, for your support, and for your excitement...thank you will never be enough.  And the most exciting part?  This is just the beginning!!  Monday night was the first reading.  In the words of Harper: "This is not the final page, I know that there is so much more."  Yes, "FULL" is my story...but it is also everyone's story.  Everyone has a demon that they have to fight.  Everyone is the hero of their own story. 

Kelly -- Thank you for pushing me to do this.  Your support and love has been everything to me and it's because of you that I really dove into this with both feet.  I could not have done it without you...and not in a creepy Emily way, in a you are the best and a total badass way. 

Taylor, Susan, Jim, and Miriam -- The love I have in my heart for you is indescribable. I could not have asked for a better group of people to present this story!  Thank you for holding me up. So...next step Broadway?  Great. 

Matt, Eric, and Jim -- Thank you SO MUCH for letting me do this.  I am so honored to be a part of the freeFall family.  

There is no rest for the obsessive...bring on the rewrites!!! 

<333

It's the most wonderful time...

For almost five years of my life, December was a terrifying month.  Parties revolving around food, calorie laden drinks, cookies, candy, and big meals with the family.  I would always feel like all eyes were on me. Of course, this was not the case, but because of the intense anxiety brought on by this time of year, my bad habits would get out of control.

I don't claim to be 100% recovered, because frankly...who is?!  I still have bad thoughts and hear occasional whispers from Emily.  But I'm pretty darn close and now, looking back on the things I would do around the holidays, I honestly get incredibly sad that I ever thought that was okay.  Starting around this time (December 1st) I would restrict as much as I could before I went home to Lexington, because I knew once I got home it would be much harder to do so.  I would load up on fruit and salads, and cut corners where possible.  Depending on where I was geographically, I would either go to the gym once a day or take a few walks (even if it was snowing) followed by ab work in my bedroom.  I would find any excuse possible to not attend holiday parties, and if I failed at that, I would eat maybe...an apple leading up to the event and go into it cloudy and feeling slightly intoxicated.  If I knew I was going out drinking I would skip dinner and proceed to get accidentally drunk.  I would plan to get a fancy hot chocolate from Starbucks and then chicken out and get a black tea.  Even last year, when I was doing pretty well...the holiday season sent me into a relapse.

No wonder I would go into the week of Christmas completely on edge.

Because the holidays can be a very scary time for many people, here are some tips to get through it so that you don't succumb to any permutation of the bad habits I described above.

1.Remember what you are doing affects others: You might think it's none of their business, but every time you decline an invitation or snap at someone out of frustration, you are hurting them.  You dragging them through a portion of the hell you are experiencing, and no one deserves that, especially this time of year.

2. Develop healthy coping skills: One thing that used to happen a lot to me during the holidays was people's schedules not lining up with mine, which would send me into horrible anxiety attacks.  Family dinners would always be "too early" for me and I would leave the table feeling guilty.  If this happens to you, don't beat yourself up about it.  Develop coping skills to utilize after a big meal - yoga stretches to aid bloating, writing in a journal, practicing your ukulele, playing a board game with your family.  Anything to get your mind off of the guilt.

3. Be kind to yourself:  I know (I knoooow) how horrible you can feel after eating an "indulgent" holiday meal.  But guess what.  It doesn't matter.  The world will not end, you will not wake up 10 pounds heavier, and you will still need to eat the next day.  It's true!

4. Don't "make up" for what you ate: Studies show that this works 0% of the time. Don't restrict before or after a party.  Because you will inevitably be a pain to be around and no fun whatsoever.  I won't want to hang out with you, and to be honest I'm a St. Pete celeb so...your loss.

5. React to "lose that holiday weight!!!" the RIGHT way: 'Tis the season for diet tricks and tips to circumvent that pesky holiday pudge.  Guess what...that is a load of BS!!  You see, I know things now, and I know that diet culture is the most stupid thing that ever happened to humanity.  So when you see those articles telling you to hit the gym, only eat 1500 calories, and swap cookies for broccoli (ummmm...), make the decision to laugh in the face of every perfect soccer mom in yoga pants to ever grace the pages of a magazine.  THAT IS NOT REAL LIFE.

6. Pick something about yourself you love no matter what, and never forget that precious gift: December is the month of gifts, so why not focus on one that the universe has bestowed upon you?  For me, it's my voice.  Whenever I have bad body image thoughts, I remember that my voice is there no matter what (unless of course, I starve myself and lose it.  HEYOOOO).  It helps that I sing at my church every Christmas Eve, so I also have the opportunity to share my most precious gift.

So that is my December challenge to all of you.  Whether or not you have anxieties surrounding food this holiday season, take a moment to think about the thing you love most about yourself and actively share it with the people around you.  Maybe you're hilarious...go to a holiday party and get the people laughing!  Maybe you love to paint...give your family art work!  Maybe you are good with kids...offer babysitting services so that new parents can have a date night!  There are countless ways to share your gifts...because that is what this time of year is all about.  <33

Red Strings.

When I was quite a bit younger, I remember hearing the story of the "red string of fate."  It's a Chinese myth which explains how we come to know the important people in our lives.  According to this legend, the gods tie red strings around the ankles of all of those we are destined to meet, and our lives are just the red strings getting shorter and shorter.  I don't remember exactly when I first heard this story, but it has stuck with me ever since.  I love the image of it, and it's something I think about a lot.

As you know, I am a professional actress and I am incredibly lucky to have been quite successful in the years since graduating from college.  I love being able to do what I love and am passionate about for a living (and true, I still need a survival job for in between gigs, but  I love my job and the people I work with so I am not complaining).  But if we're being honest, the hardest part of this career is not the periods of unemployment or staring into the abyss of "ok the show is over NOW WHAT DO I EVEN DO?" It's the falling so deeply in love with so many people and then having to say goodbye over and over again.  This has been on my mind lately because Into the Woods has come to an end and the fact that the holidays are coming up. This year will be the 4th Thanksgiving I have been in a completely different place (Lexington, Lanesboro, New York City, and now St. Pete).  I also have 4 of the best friends in the world who all live in different cities (Chicago, Decorah, Lexington, Tampa). That's tough, ya know?  But the idea of having strong red strings attatched to all of the incredible people I have met in my life makes it so much easier.

I could totally let myself get down in the dumps about the fact that I feel like everyone is always leaving me/I'm always leaving everyone else.  It's probably the number one trigger for my depression.  But instead of focusing on that, I imagine the red strings that are now spread not only all across the country, but all across the world!  I wouldn't trade my career for anything.  I have always felt like a bit of a gypsy (thank you, Mom and Dad, for forcing me to move to Austria when I was five...I've never looked back since), so moving around a lot in order to do theatre has never felt wrong. What feels wrong is how deeply connected I get to people only to say goodbye a month later, but because of this unnatural lifestyle, I could pretty much go anywhere and feel like I'm home because of a friendly face smiling back at me.  The world is so big and so small at the same time, and we are all connected by those incredible red strings of fate.  

I talk about how much my friends mean to me all the time but it's true.  I am obsessed with each and every one of you.  I love you with a fierceness that I will NOT apologize for.  You keep me going, no matter how far away from eachother we are.

Gained.

There are a lot of horrifying moments in recovery.  To count them all would be impossible.  Moments of shame and humiliation.  There are moments you wake up so hungry that you feel like a feral child and find yourself sitting in front of an open fridge eating ketchup out of a bottle.  There are moments you turn on the faucet in the bathroom so no one hears you getting the scales out of the closet.  There are moments you look down at your plate and realize that you actually ate that fear food...and now what??

The hardest moments for me happen in the morning, when I have to shower and get dressed.  Even though I know it's physically impossible, it often feels like I have SURELY gained 20 pounds overnight. Putting on pants that I haven't worn in a few weeks is like summitting a mountain. Looking at my arms is like facing a tank of poisonous snakes.  I think I could take my body filling out any day over my face, but then there are moments when I think the opposite.  Taking pictures is actually torture, and yet I feel this strange pressure to take them and LIKE THEM.  Why?!  Why do I do this to myself?!  I could very easily just not allow people to take my picture, and not take any of myself...I'm still trying to crack this mystery.

ANYWAY, I have definitely gained weight.  I don't know how much because I hid my scales after about a week in April when I was obsessively checking.  Like multiple times a day.  Numbers are my biggest OCD trigger, and so for whatever reason for a week I was weighing myself about 5 times a day.  Again, WHY?!

The thing about gaining weight in recovery is that our brains are SO used to it feeling like a failure that it is extremely hard to view it as a victory.  That is why I try to focus on other things I have gained that are definitely victories.

I have gained...

-Brain space: sometimes it amazes me how much better I am able to focus on things. True story...there are full performances of Spring Awakening that I can't remember because I was so preoccupied with disordered thoughts.  Good thing I knew the show well...

-Healthier hair: My prrrrrecious.

-Friends: I am more open to new friendships and just easier to be around.  I don't cancel plans, I make them.

-Freedom to be my true extroverted self: I am so over pretending I'm an introvert.  My disorder is an introvert. KT is an outspoken, loud, extroverted, choir kid, musical theatre fangirl who makes no apologies for loving the CRAP out of everything.

-Strength and flexibility: It's so weird, when you starve yourself your body doesn't work.

-Vocal range and power: I love belting.

I have gained so much in recovery.  Every day is a new challenge and a new battle, but I will continue to be a warrior and fight the negative voices in my head telling me that gaining happiness is somehow a failure.  That somehow I don't deserve it.  Because we ALL deserve to be happy, and we shouldn't settle for anything less. 

Once Upon a Time...

Fairy tales have been on my mind pretty much 24/7 these days.  What with "Into the Woods" playing on a constant loop in my brain and blaring so loudly in my head that I literally wake up at night singing the songs, I simply can't get the characters and morals out of my head!  During this process we have learned a lot about the importance of these tales in regards to the integration of our personalities.  Also, as someone who has spent over a year looking in the mirror and trying to convince myself that I am the hero of my own story, it is fascinating that through this process I finally feel like that is coming to fruition.  I am the hero of this story. The work is paying off and I am coming out on top.  

Once upon a time there was a girl who didn't believe she could do it.  She had been given a special quest - to use her gifts of song and friendship to bring happiness and joy to the world. She felt the pressure of this quest upon her shoulders constantly, and was terrified that she would not be able to achieve her goals.  In a moment of fear, she was visited by the Evil Queen.  

The Queen saw the girl's vulnerability, and struck a deal with the girl.  She told her that if she gave up the gifts of song and friendship, then the Queen would accomplish her task for her.  But in return, the girl would be cursed with the voice of the evil queen amplified within her brain.  The Queen's voice would control her until the task was achieved.  Little did the girl know that the Queen had no intention of fulfilling the task at hand.  The Queen had grown weak, and she only wanted the girl's gifts so that she would survive.  

The Queen's voice continued to grow stronger within the girl's mind, until she became convinced it was her own thoughts of doubt and hatred.  She descended into solitude, alone in the woods, with only the Queen's voice for company.  The words were so hateful that she was convinced that the world would be better off without her in it.  She had grown mute, the Queen using her power of song to fuel her evil power.  Many people tried to save her.  A valiant Prince came to her door, knocking and calling to her, but that only made her hide with more conviction.  She boarded up her windows and covered herself with blankets to protect her from the chilling winds in her own soul. 

One day, with the Queen's voice louder than ever, and her own voice unable to rise from her throat, the girl was visited by the Blue Fairy.  The Fairy didn't knock on the door, didn't call to her, didn't force her way into the lonely hiding place.  She only sent her a message of warmth and understanding.  A quiet hint of hope.  A reminder that she had a quest to go on.  She had a hero to become.

The girl ignored the message, unable to respond to anything that was not the Queen's voice.  And yet the Blue Fairy persisted, her power of love stronger than the Evil Queen's.  Soon the girl was completely enveloped in blue light.  Tears sprung to her eyes, and as they rolled down her cheek, and onto her throat, they allowed her voice to whisper through the silence.

"I can do this."

It was barely audible but it was there.  Day in and day out she said it.  Time passed slowly, but the whisper grew louder and stronger.  The feelings of love welled up inside of her, until she was screaming her battle cry so loudly that the Queen herself could hear it from her castle.

The girl, with her new powerful voice welling up inside her throat, stepped out of the cabin she had been hiding in for so many years.  And when she looked around, she was amazed.  Her battle cry had been heard not by some, but by many.  She was surrounded by fairies, and animals, and elves.  By royalty, and giants, and even the town baker.  Her best friends were all around her, and she realized that the Queen would never truly take her power of friendship.  

With her army of love behind her, the girl led the march to the Castle.  When she was outside the gates, she took in a deep breath and yelled with a power unlike any she had ever experienced.  She yelled at the Queen to leave.  To flee, and never come back.  She was not needed here, and never would be.  The cry was echoed by every single one of her friends, and became a beautiful song.  A song that was so full of love and support that the Queen could not bear to listen, and fled the kingdom in a rage.  

After the dust settled, and the girl realized the Queen was gone, she looked around at the incredible group around her.  It was the whole Kingdom!  Brought together by song and friendship.  Brought together by love.  They were all heroes.  Herself included. 

Books = Friends

I often joke that I love books more than I love people.  You know that's not true (especially if you are the receiver of my fangirl ways...oh wait...that's literally everyone on the planet) but I really, REALLY love books.  They are such a huge part of my life, and I am so thankful for my parents for raising me to always be reading.  I carry at least one book with me wherever I go because I am also chronically early for things.

People often ask me "how do you find time to read?" Um...I make time.  Because it is something I find enjoyable and it brings me more happiness than almost anything in the world!  If I didn't read, I would be miserable! The other night, we had some cast bonding time and were asking each other hypothetical questions about being stuck on a deserted island.  The question of "what book/series would you want with you?" arose.  At first I panicked, because that is like choosing a child to me.  I...I...Can't I bring them all?!  It got me thinking about my favorite books of all time and what I would recommend to people who don't inherently find themselves stuck in a book.  I am often asked for reading recommendations and I love lists soooo...this happened:

KT's Top Ten Books/Series - Fall time is a perfect time to READ!!  Get a book, make some tea, and escape to somewhere amazing.

1. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

This classic is my top, number one, favorite book of all time.  If you haven't read it, just do yourself a favor and join the millions of fans in the world.  If you have read it, take a second trip to Maycomb, Alabama!  You will not be disappointed either way.  I have read this book countless times, and was fortunate enough to bring the story to life in college.  Playing Mayella is one of my very favorite memories from NKU, and there is a reason this story is a classic.  You can find something new and discover another facet of the story every time you read it.

2. Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

I love Neil Gaiman. I have read all of his books and yet I always have to find where they are in every bookstore I ever enter.  Why?!  Why do I do this?!  I honestly don't know.  Good Omens is my favorite thing he has ever written.  It is hilarious, and creepy, and beautiful, and breathtaking, and terrifying.  Get ready for apocalyptic, angel of death REALNESS.

3. The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien

This is what I chose to bring with me if I were to be stranded on that hypothetical deserted island.  Yes I chose the whole trilogy (the rule was book OR SERIES, OKAY?!). I just...I just love LOTR so much. I can't even really put it into words (real eloquent, KT). You have all probably seen the movies (I may or may not have chosen those for the movies I could bring with me on the deserted island too), but if you are looking for something to read and you enjoy fantasy in any way, please do yourself a favor and just begin the delightful journey through Middle Earth.

4. How I Live Now by Meg Rosoff

Sigh...This. Book. I have read this book over 50 times and I really wish I was exaggerating.  It's a quick read and at this point I can just read it in a few hours.  It's my ultimate comfort book, because I connect with Daisy more than any other literary character EVER.  It's very YA, so proceed with that in mind.   Once I emailed Meg Rosoff, and she provided me with an insight that became one of my every day affirmations - "People with eating disorders are just hungry for life, if we can only realign our hunger." 

5. Harry Potter by JK Rowling

I mean....do I really need to say anything?

6. The Giver by Lois Lowr

In my HUMBLE opinion, the best YA novel to ever exist.  A classic, as far as I'm concerned.

7.  The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

People are often surprised at how much I adore this book, but I will defend it to the death.  If you need a feel good, every thing happens for a reason, every end is the beginning, insert cliche positive affirmation here, pick up a copy of this.  If you're ready for some ugly crying, pick up a copy of this.  If you need a reminder that life is amazing and that you matter, pick up a copy of this.

8. Wild by Cheryl Strayed

I have written a review of this book here. Strayed's journey of self discovery is just incredible, and I love the honesty and brutality...which makes the payoff all the better in the end.

9. The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff

My strange obsession : Fundamentalist Mormonism. Seriously, talk to me about it please.  This quote sums it up best: "Happiness is a risk, and Mormon Polygamy is full of gamblers, leading lives of purpose and drama, all the things I want in my own life."

10. The Mammy, The Chisellers, and The Granny by Brendan O'Carroll

You can blow through this trilogy in three days at MOST.  You won't want to put down this Irish family tale and you'll fall so in love with the characters that you'll feel like part of the family.  As you read about their struggles and triumphs, you will likely shed a happy tear as you watch the children grow and pass on the familial love to the next generation.

What are you reading?  I'd love to know YOUR top ten!!  Happy reading!

I Know Things Now...

It is certainly no secret that rehearsals for "Into The Woods" are in full swing at freeFall!  If there is one thing actors are good at, it is letting the world know how #blessed we are and bragging about #bookingit via social media.  I am definitely a culprit, but like...why not?!  I want the world to know how excited I am to be playing a dream role at the theatre I am #soblessed to call home!

It's also no secret that this show, like any Sondheim musical, is a doozy musically and lyrically.  I definitely feel challenged...something that excites me and terrifies me simultaneously.  It excites me because I am a Virgo/achiever/leftbrained/go-getter who LOVES to get stuff done and cross off a sensible to do list.  It terrifies me because I have a perfectionist/anxious/never-good-enough mind, and I put a lot of pressure on myself. In the words of the show though, I know that "I am not alone." 

Being in this process brings to mind feelings from another show I was in a few years ago.  I joke about it now (to hide the tears lol) but it was one of the worst and most humiliating weeks of my entire life.  At the time, I got even more upset trying to find meaning behind what happened.  The only solace I found was Mark Hardy telling me that "sometimes stuff just sucks." Yep, this life lesson has officially taken 3 years to fully comprehend. 

You guys know this story so I won't spell it out for you.  Let's just say that I put so much pressure on myself to perform this role (Beth March in "Little Women") that everything else became secondary.  Aka - It took over my whole life and I completely stopped taking care of myself. I ate even less.  I spent hours in practice rooms doing more beating myself up than actually singing.  I cried at every vocal lesson.  I was having a lot of trouble with my voice anyway, due to my restriction.  There was a complete chunk of my range that was just gone.  From about a C (above middle C) to F which is like...kind of necessary for musical theatre, especially roles that I am right for.  I would try and only air would squeak out -- Beth March literally sits right in that range.  I was absolutely terrified and panicked and was trying every Jamey Strawn trick in the book.  But nothing was working.  And then, I lost my voice.  All of it.   

I was unable to sing or speak and for the majority of the performances, Harli (who was playing Amy) sang my songs into a microphone off stage.  Talk about embarrassing.  It was the closest I've ever gotten to just throwing in the towel and screaming (figuratively, of course because I couldn't produce any sound) "I QUIT ACTING FOREVERRRRR!!" 

Last night at rehearsal we worked on "I Know Things Now."  Not only is the universe bonking me on the head with that title, but it's giving me nice little reminders that even though I am feeling anxious and worried and nervous about this challenging music, the answer is absolutely not to stop taking care of myself.  That is actually the opposite of what I need to do!  I know it seems like "duh, KT of course" but you would be surprised how right it feels at the time.  We are all guilty of it! But I am here to tell you that taking care of yourself needs to be your NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.  It's a lesson I learned the hard way.  

But you know what? I know things now.  

Eleven.

So, I obviously haven't been blogging much.  I could go through the whole rigmarole of being sorry and making excuses and talking about how I'm SOOOO busy, but here's the thing I've learned over these past 11 months: I can do whatever I want, and no one can stop me.  It's a good feeling.  A few weeks ago social media and blogging got to be a little too much, so I backed away.  It wasn't making me feel good, it was making me feel crazy, so I focused my writing on works of fiction and my time on living my life.  It's been nice.  I still will definitely blog, but I want to change the focus slightly.  I'll still talk about my recovery because it is such an intense part of who I am and an integral part of my story.  But this past month I have made many realizations and one important one was that I am not my disorder.  Near the middle of this month, I just decided to act like I was recovered.  Work from the outside in, instead of the other way around.  Easier said than done, obviously, but it's been extremely liberating. 

I'm not going to pretend like I've been having an easy time these past few days.  I feel like I'm being put through the ringer in terms of my depression, axiety, and insomnia.  And what's even more frustrating is it's all brain chemistry because for all intents and purposes, things are going great!!  I love my city, I love my friends, I love my job, and I'm so excited for so many things coming up!!  Just another reminder that no one chooses mental illness. And just another reminder that I'm a warrior who will get through this.  

Sooooo, it's September 1st!!  MY FAVORITE MONTH...and Happy 11 months to me!  That means a special post.  Here are 11 things I am grateful for, if you care to know:

1. My Mom.  I feel like I've just been a LOT lately.  Just a big ol' bundle of extreme emotions.  My Mom is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her.  She always picks up the phone and listens to me cry for no reason.  She always lets me complain about things.  She always texts me about books or recipes or kitties.  She cracks me up. She's just...THE BEST.

2. I'm feeling exceptionally grateful for my bestie for the restie, Robyn.  Yesterday, I called her bawling my eyes out and ended up laughing so hard I was crying.  I swear to God, we are the funniest people in the world.  It's hard being away from her, but I love her so much it's absurd. 

3. I can't express enough how happy I am that I chose to move here and like...be a person here in sunny St. Pete.  Every single day I'm reminded that it was the right decision. 

4. My siblings. 

5. My friends who hold me up and keep me going every single day:  I'm looking at you Jessica, Sarah, and Jan!! 

6. My St. Pete Family, my St. Pete bestie, and my Burnt Part Boys. 

7. Angela

8. New and exciting projects coming up.

9. My tiny home!!

10. Being a part of this incredible theatre community, and being able to do what I love. 

11. These past 11 months.  Every single one of them.  They've been hard.  There have been bad days.  But I'm pretty pumped about where I am now, compared to September 1st, 2013. 

<33 

I don't want anything.

She’ll spend sleepless nights wondering how a soul with so much love inside of her has found herself so lonely. 
How someone who cries tears of joy at daffodils blooming, laughs at her own mistakes, and peers into people’s energies has become so lost. 
When she looks you in the eye her mind is not elsewhere, and if she smiles wistfully it’s only because she spots the same powerful green her father carried with him until the day he died - his heart open and willing until the end.

She makes up love stories in her mind, the details so real you would swear they were borrowed from the novel she just hungrily tore through, but they are of her own making. The look across a crowded soirée her hypothetical soulmate casts in her direction. If you’re too slow you’ll miss it. But her head is always tuned in to his brain waves. 
The electric energy that sparks each time her feet strike the city pavement reflected in the bright marquee shouting her name. 
The pride that swells in her chest as the audience leaps to their feet and the glowing flame of pure, unconditional love when she sees him…whoever he is…clapping along. 
There would be no need for words, because in God’s final draft of us, she believes we will not speak. Words only ever complicate things, and life could be lived as it was inside the web she travelled nightly as a child. Inside that web she never spoke. 
She only felt. 
She was only understood.

The feelings are so real to her. So utterly tangible and although she knows she’ll regret investing in them, at this point it’s the only way she can fall asleep anymore. 
It’s the only way she can calm the thoughts of hatred that course through her body all day, and focus her mind on love. 
The kind of love that needs no words.
That sings her lullabies off key and lets her ride her bike with no hands…because although it’s more dangerous, it’s the closest she’s ever been to flying. 
She dreams of this soul and feels guilty when she realizes how much he is just a permutation of the man she misses every day, taken from her too soon. 
She drifts off nightly, hoping she’ll be visited by her father.
But that too is dangerous. 
Seeing as she’ll only be disappointed when she wakes up.

That which does not serve you...

Let go of that which does not serve you. 

Roads to Recovery: Josie's Story

It's time for another story in "Roads to Recovery"!  I am very excited about this one.  In 2012, I packed up everything and moved to Minnesota to live and work in Lanesboro at the Commonweal Theatre Company.  Little did I know that I would find my happy place an hour south in Decorah, Iowa.  In this unassuming little town I found my favorite coffee shop, summer adventures, and a best friend!  I had countless amazing days and nights in Decorah, where I would squirrel away to when I was sick of putting on my happy face for everyone.  One of the awesome people I met in Decorah was Josie, who works at the Oneota Co-op.  She would ring me up for my Vegan Turkey Mango Madness every week and we would chat about this and that...and before we knew it, we were great friends!  Since my tenure at the Commonweal, we have remained in touch and through her amazing blog, I discovered that we have more in common than I already thought.  I was thrilled when she agreed to share her story here, because it has been an inspiration to me since my early days of recovery.  

Something that most people aren’t aware of is that I’ve struggled with an eating disorder. Primarily bulimia but at times I minimized what I ate and purged that as well. It’s something that has taken a long while for me to stop feeling shame over. Over the years I’ve heard comments about how disgusting I was or the typical “Why would anyone want to throw up?”

People looked at me like I was an unwanted fungus; no one seemed to get the concept that I had an eating disorder. It’s an addiction and has probable genetic links. Long story short, I felt very alone at times and it took me several years to finally curb my addictive behavior. However, that does not mean that my ties of ED are cut completely. Not at all. I still struggle with (on a regular basis) self-image issues that seem to completely baffle those who know me. That is one of the residual after-effects of ED and something that flares up often.

I was dealing with ED during my junior year in high school and my senior year. Eventually I cut back on my destructive habits and would periodically fall back and forth for several years until probably 2007. My relationship with food was still pretty bad, but I managed to stop purging for the most part (minus extremely stressful situations.) I’m not entirely sure why I was able to stop, but I managed to-however my main vice then turned into cigarettes.

After several years, in 2010 I decided I was tired of doing things to my body that were negative. I can’t replace one vice with another unhealthy vice and expect to have everything go away. So I quit smoking. It was easy because I for some reason was never really addicted to cigarettes; not sure why I was lucky.

It wasn’t until 2012 I decided I needed to find something to do for my physical health. I’ve never enjoyed exercise, especially if it felt like work or was too mundane. I was doing a kickboxing routine for awhile and enjoying that. Then one day I woke up and said “I’m going to buy a bicycle.” I was tired of driving to work on beautiful days, wasting the last few minutes of my life before work in a hot and stuffy car. It seemed so pointless. However, allergies and (and unknown exercise induced asthma) prevented me from wanting to walk to work. I thought a bicycle would be a great way to get me to work without too much physical exertion. However, I still had fears of car traffic and worried if I would even be a good rider.

That Friday I bought a bike. It was clunky, heavy, and homely…but I loved him. I named him Sir Richard the Ironhearted and rode him almost every day. That Monday I rode him on the Trout Run Trail, on the flat part past the Hatchery and back. I found I really enjoyed riding! It was exercise but not! I wasn’t bored and it didn’t feel mundane. My mind had found peace and that felt amazing.

My first few months of riding my bicycle were huge in terms of opening me up. The exercise helped reduce my stress and keep my depression at bay. I felt less edgy. I was becoming more confident in my handling skill. I became happier. I realized with all of these changes that more had to happen-finding out what I needed/wanted, divorce, and finding love again.

I’ve been riding regularly now since 2012 and have graduated to newer bicycles and different styles of riding. You’ll find me not only on paved surfaces, but on mountain bike trails too! This is not to say that everything is rainbows and sunshine…The very real and frustrating aspect over my mental self is continually making peace with food and my body image. Cycling has changed my body and for me, it took a long time to actually notice the changes. I’m much more muscular and toned than I used to be. The other thing about working out regularly? You need to eat more to fuel your body. That was a hard lesson for me, and still is. I have to eat food…especially if I want to keep riding or help my body recover from a hard ride. I would ride or increase the duration of my rides and find myself getting hungry much earlier than I planned or anticipated. It took time (and still requires effort some days) to accept this and allow myself to have sustenance. My personality likes to dance with the idea that inhabits my addictive personality…that I have to ride in order to eat. It is so completely not true. This is what makes the much-needed rest days difficult for me sometimes. The addictive personality that likes to hide in the dark corners of my mind says “You didn’t bike, you shouldn’t eat.” Okay, perhaps I should limit the chocolate that I intake but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t eat anything at all, that’s ridiculous!

This is one of the reasons why many people say that you never really are “cured” from an eating disorder; you manage it for the rest of your life. Riding my bicycle(s) had really helped me overcome many obstacles that have been in my way for years. It’s given me the courage to make changes in my life, to become healthier, and to do something good for myself that I long-denied. It’s one of the ways that I show my inner-person that I really do care about me and my body. It’s the only body I have and I want it to be strong.

I may never look like the models on TV with the so-called “ideal” body. No. That is something that I have been working on to accept for many years now. I’m not going to magically grow taller, have bigger breasts, longer torso, firmer stomach, or delicate ankles. Nope. I’m going to be short with broad shoulders, powerhouse legs covered in bruises, magnificent arms, and a damn fine booty.

I want a body that helps me climb the rocky hills, maneuver down sketchy turns, and pedal over the roots that lie in my path. I want the body that works hard, has “battle scars” and shows other women that they can accomplish great things on a bicycle. I want the body that eats the food it needs in order to keep on riding, because that is what it loves to do.

I can’t lie. There are days where I fight against myself, but I’ve learned to tell that inner voice of self-destructive behavior to just take a hike. I’ll rest when I need to, eat when I feel hungry, and keep working on loving myself for me.

Thank you, Josie!! You're story and passion for cycling are things that inspire me every day. You are an amazing woman! Please read Josie's blog, Life on Two Wheels and like it on Facebook! I love reading about her biking adventures and getting a peek into her life in Decorah. I can't wait to come back and visit!

August Self Care Challenge

August has been treating me pretty well so far.  I moved into my new tiny home, I went to opening night of an amazing show, I was visited by dear friends, and every day I am actually (but like actually) happier and happier that I decided to make the permanent move to St. Pete. 

I have 2 really bad habits that I am constantly working on, and they go hand in hand.  I am very hard on myself, but at the same time I put on a front that I am constantly happy.  I have made humongous strides with both of these things.  In every place I have lived prior to St. Pete, anyone would assume I was the "happiest girl in the world" (direct quote), and there were times where I was incredibly happy!!  But there were also times where I was in my head verbally abusing myself, and then dealing with it by posting super positive statuses for the world to see.  I look back on that time with confusion and sadness, but I know I'm not the only one who does this.  Even my therapist chuckled heartily when I said one of my goals for treatment was "100% self love." To which she replied, "You're even a perfectionist in therapy...no one in the entire world loves themselves 100% of the time.  We do what we can, and when we can't, we figure out how to get through it. Stop being so hard on yourself." 

In order to take care of myself, I have to be able to be surrounded by people I love, being able to do what I love, in a community that I love.  Check, check, and check!  

The main reason I chose to come here and then stay here happens to be exactly what I wanted to post about: self care.  I obviously don't have a good track record for it, and once I realized how many of my behaviors were actually self harm, I honestly got quite overwhelmed.  I would never treat another person like that, so why am I treating myself like that?!  I loved being in New York, but I couldn't take care of myself.  The place I went for treatment was amazing, but I was constantly exhausted, had to work all the time in order to make rent and pay for therapy, was walking everywhere (not ideal when you're supposed to NOT EXERCISE), and just wanted to quit.  Quite frankly, I was getting worse.  I knew I couldn't sustain it, so I left.  It felt a whole lot like giving up at the time, but looking back, I was making the smart decision.  

I'm a very goal oriented person, so I decided that this month my personal goal would be self care.  I found this challenge on tumblr which gives you an incredibly easy task to do.  I've been doing well on it, and I'm excited that today's goal is something I do every day anyway (YOGA!!  I hate going a day without spending time on my mat).  I hope some of you all will join me in this challenge...whether you follow this particular list, or make your own.  In society, self love is often viewed as self indulgence, when really you're just taking care of the most important person in the world - YOU. 

Happy August!